Chapter Seven

"Spike?" Buffy said as she shyly entered his crypt. She looked around the cold, stone area that was barely lit. Only one of the candles was lit which meant he wasn't home and didn't want to trip over anything when he got back. Buffy took the lit candle and ignited the wicks of the candle by his bed and the one near the tomb. She replaced it to its stand and walked over to his bed.

She looked down at the pillows and ran her hand over the blanket. She started thinking about how they used to be: They could barely keep their hands off each other. They shared promiscuous smiles with each other when the gang was gathered to talk about the new big bad. And the kissing, my God the kissing. That rush her whole body felt and how she was never close enough to him when they embraced. She would pull him tighter as if their bodies could mold to each other.

Tears began to fall again. Her torso fell against the bed and she curled up as she cried.

How could this change their lives so much? How are they so different now? Was this supposed to happen because they aren't supposed to be together?

No. There's no way that my feelings for him are considered wrong in any way. How can someone who makes you so happy be someone who isn't meant for you?

Buffy slowly started to compose herself. Just in time too. The door to the crypt opened, revealing the bleach blonde owner. Buffy sat up and wiped her eyes before he saw her. "Buffy?"

"Hi Spike."

"What're ya doin' here?"

She stood. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Kinda got the opposite of that earlier."

"Yeah. It's about that."

Spike put his coat on his chair and kept his eyes on Buffy as he walked towards her. Instead of going to the bed he went over to the tomb and leaned against its side. Buffy pursed her lips and nodded.

"I'm sorry," Buffy started. Spike's face remained blank. Buffy looked at the ground and continued. "It's not exactly a secret that I haven't been handling this well."

"Or not at all," Spike added.

She looked up at him. "That's not true."

"Buffy you've been actin' like nothin's happened."

"For you."

"What?"

"I've been 'acting like nothing's happened'… for you."

"You're saying it's my fault?"

"No. I'm saying…" She exhaled in exhaustion. "I was trying not to fall apart so you wouldn't feel bad even though it's all I've wanted to do since..."

"That makes no sense."

"I thought that if you saw me cry then you'd start to too and I didn't want you to be in pain."

Spike pushed himself up and walked over to her. "Buffy, I've been in pain since I heard. You not crying hasn't effected that."

"I just don't want you to be mad. I mean, this is all my fault. If I would have just stayed home then this wouldn't have happened."

"No. No no no no." Spike wrapped his arms around her and let her tears soak his black shirt. "This is not your fault."

"Yes it is."

"No Buffy. This isn't anyone's fault. 'Cept the vamp that did this to ya. He's the only one to blame."

Buffy pushed Spike away and stepped back. "I could've stayed home."

"And I could've kept lookin' for ya. Either way, we're only gonna make ourselves go bloody insane by thinkin' about it too much."

"And what about our distance?"

"I'm right here."

"No, not the physical distance."

"Buffy-"

"It's my fault we're so distant. I kept pushing you back so you wouldn't get so close that you'd see how broken I was. I pushed you away and I feel like I'm not even me any more. We used to be each other's other half and now I just feel… empty. I don't even have my half. It's gone."

"Me too." Buffy's eyes were glazing at the sight of a tear going down Spike's cheek. "Ever since I heard… I've been trying not to cry 'round you too. Felt like if I weren't strong enough then you'd feel like we couldn't get through this. Not that I expected you to take it to the extreme it was in. I thought I was the one making you… empty."

Buffy walked over to him moved her head so his eyes looked at her instead of the ground. She raised her head, bringing his up with hers. She placed her hands on his face and pulled him in for a kiss. Spike instinctively wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. Buffy's hold went around his neck with one hand resting on the back of his head. Spike turned and carefully dropped Buffy down on the bed as he kissed her.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Spike traced Buffy's face with his gaze as she slept. He kissed her gently on the forehead and rolled out of bed. He found his clothes and slid them back on. He quietly opened his door and went outside. He took a quick look around and proceeded to walk through the graveyard.

After a few minutes he came across a giant cross, carved from stone. It was inside a stone fence that stood only three feet from the ground. It was a grave that he had seen a bunch of times before but he never actually went up close to it, with reason. H walked within the walls and saw that written on a slab in front of the cross was an excerpt from the bible and the name of the man sitting below the grassy surface. He was a soldier.

Spike looked up at the cross. "I know we don't exactly graze in the same pasture, if ya know what I mean, so if I'm doin' this wrong then, sorry. I don't even know if you're listenin right now but for the sake of my sanity, I'll pretend ya are." He hesitated a moment. "I don't know if you do this kind of thing but I figured I might as well try. Buffy, who ya know, she stays up all hours slayin' demons and savin' lives. Recently we lost our baby. I don't know if you did that or… God, I don't even know. Sorry, am I allowed to say that?" He waited as if an answer would come. "Well, anyway, she hasn't been right since. Understandable, but… if you could help her, in any way, could you do that? Please?" Again, he waited for an answer. "Thanks…. Uh, bye." He turned and walked away.