Oh Sweet Cathulu! I'm ACTUALLY updating?? It must be the apocalypse!!!!!!

Ehem. Anyways… Have fun with this little chapter!

Disclaimer: I seriously don't own Harry Potter… Oh, and I don't own The Lord of the Rings Elvish Language. And while we're at it, I've never broken my foot or been to Japan…. Though I so long to go…Whimsical look

&HP&

Harry had just finished telling Alice the whole story with Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. Now the room was in an odd silence. Harry was sitting quite still, waiting for a reaction. Alice was simply still.

"That bloody SUCKS!" She suddenly shouted, standing up sharply.

Harry sighed and watched her pace back-and-forth, ranting and raving her lungs off. Finally, she stopped and flopped into her chair again, looking slightly worn out.

"Don't get so upset," Harry murmured. "It does suck but it's not that bad." Alice shot him a look so he smiled sheepishly and remained quiet.

"Sure, whatever you say." Alice muttered darkly. "Just know that you can go ahead and be a wimp by not getting mad at the girl or her two red-headed human buddies, I'll just retaliate for you." At this point she gained an evil smirk.

"Bloody hell, this won't be good for Hermione, will it?" Harry asked with a slight laugh in his voice. Alice simply smirked wider.

"Oh no, Dear Harry… It won't be good at all…" Then in an instant she brightened up, back to her normal self. "So, about your godfather having the butterflies of arousal in his gut for tall, dark, and snarky…" She began sweetly.

"Good lord, woman! Did you have to put it that way?" Harry spluttered in a slightly shrill tone.

"Yes."

"No. The answer is 'no, you did not!'" Harry told her with a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Anyroad, the chances of Ba—Professor Snape and Sirius actually having unresolved sexual tension… From what I hear there are better chances of Snape suddenly getting a tan and declaring his open armed support of inter-house unity."

"Well if he does the nasty with Mr. Gryffindor Sirius then the whole house unity thing would be a bit of a given wouldn't it?" Alice asked innocently, grinning sweetly when Harry shot her a dark look.

"I suppose…" He replied dully. "How about this? The chances are better for Snape to suddenly declare his open armed support for inter-house unity by standing in the middle of a busy hallway and shouting 'HOUSE UNITY HUG SANDWICH! SLYTHERIN MEAT!' at which point Sirius and Remus could come up and warmly cuddle him in their arms simultaneously to which he would reply 'I'm warm and toasty like pastrami caressed with wonder bread.'" Harry rambled out quickly, a deadpan look on his face.

The room was silent for a long while as both occupants took what had just been said into their heads. Harry suddenly made a face.

"I've disturbed myself with my own scenario." He muttered weakly, at which point Alice burst into laughter.

"Well it damn well made ME happy!" She choked out giddily.

&HP&

"I don't know how the hell you managed to convince me to do this." Harry whispered viciously to Alice.

"Because we were both bored, wanted to test our sneaking skills, and since the paper has already outed you there is no reason to hide." Alice smoothly replied. Harry just replied with a sigh, blowing some hair from his eyes and knowing she was right.

At that very moment they were wandering the empty halls of Hogwarts while most students were in class. There was the occasional student on their way to the bathroom or nurse, the random teacher strolling by on their break, and even some students with a free period. Harry and Alice would go into stealthy Elvin mode and hide themselves skillfully until the person passed.

"Don't forget the small fact that you have a skill at talking me into doing stupid things." Harry finally replied.

"I do not!" Alice scoffed over her shoulder. Her received response at first was just a roll of green eyes, but then Harry spoke.

"Oh yeah?" He began, "What about the time with those elders and the pudding?" He barely managed to finish the question before Alice was stopped in the middle of the hallway, leaning against a wall and laughing so hard she was almost snorting.

"It (laugh) was (gasp) bloody (snort) EVERYWHERE!" Then she simply dissolved into another fit of laughs, sliding down the wall and gripping her stomach. Harry stood by, watching it all with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Yeah, yeah… Laugh it up! YOU weren't the one caught and forced to try and get those stains out." He muttered irritably, though a small smile graced his face. Then quite suddenly his eyes bugged out and he ducked behind a small statue with a quick muttered "shit!"

"W-what's (giggle) wr—" Alice began, then she tensed up and spun around just in time to see a young student, most likely a first year, come wandering around the corner wearing black and blue robes.

For several moments they both stood frozen, staring at each other in utter shock. Then, as the boy shakily opened his mouth to say something, Alice suddenly frowned and beat him to it.

"I'm a figment of your imagination." She announced in a deadpan voice, her face matching her tone. "Go away." The poor boy suddenly looked terribly confused and slightly scared before he turned on his heel and took off in the other direction.

Harry emerged from his hiding spot laughing quietly but with enough force that his eyes were squinted and he was gripping his gut.

"I can't believe that me, the pseudo-elf, managed to be more stealthy than the real one!" He chuckled out, walking past Alice with a wide grin.

"Well you distracted me with humorous memories about angry and startled old men covered in pudding and flour!" Alice shot back grumpily, jogging a bit to catch up. Harry just smiled wider and shot her a wink.

"Whatever you say, doll. Just try and be more careful, right?" He replied. Alice pouted a bit and rolled her eyes, glancing out of their shadowed path that hid them perfectly from anyone who might be in the outside courtyard and in view of the large windows across the hall. She suddenly froze.

"Hey…" She whispered slowly, "Is that Hermione and her lover-boy?" Harry followed her gaze and saw that Hermione and Ron were indeed in the courtyard. They both seemed a bit sullen and Harry felt a bit guilty before he brushed it off; he was supposed to be mad at them.

Hermione seemed to be staying her typical self and was spending her free period doing homework, and by the look on her face it was to get her mind off of the Rita Skeeter issue.

Harry suddenly realized that Alice wasn't next to him anymore. He jumped and looked around quickly, trying to spot her. He finally did, seeing her once again joining his side.

"Where did you go and what did you do?" He whispered desperately, looking at her in disapproval. Alice smiled darkly.

"That will teach her to mess with us." She replied in a low voice.

"Hey, where did my quill go?" Harry suddenly heard Hermione ask from the courtyard.

He raised an eyebrow and Alice sighed, her evil façade dropping and her hand rising to show her fingers gripping a light brown quill.

"There is only so much one can do in the name of revenge when she's trying to not be noticed by anyone." She explained sheepishly.

Then they both jumped as a sudden long, loud, droning sound began to echo through the empty halls. They both looked around desperately and to their horror doors began to open and students began to file out; the period had ended. In a desperate move they turned quickly and ducked into a door behind them.

The room was mercilessly empty and it seemed to be a classroom. A quick scan led them to realizing that it was the Defense Against the Dark Arts room.

"Student's will be coming in soon!" Alice whispered nervously. Harry looked around desperately and noticed a door at the far end of the room. He grabbed Alice's hand and pulled her to the door. It opened quietly and they slid inside the empty room that seemed to be an office.

They crept around for a bit, wondering what to do. Then the door they had come through started to open and in the blink of an eye they were both perfectly hidden.

Harry peered out of his hiding spot and grinned as he recognized that the figure that had come into the room, closing the door behind himself, was none other than Remus. He had his nose buried in a book and that was no doubt to thank for why he hadn't noticed them in the room with his werewolf senses.

Harry's eyes widened as he noticed Alice creep out of her hiding spot and sneak up behind the unsuspecting wolf as he sat at the desk, eyes not straying from his book. She reached to just behind his shoulder and leaned down towards his ear.

"A little birdie told me you stuck your tongue in a pretty, green-eyed boy's mouth." She whispered in a low voice.

Remus jumped up from his chair with a shout and a blush painting his face. He spun around and his wide eyes landed on Alice, who was grinning wildly with mischievous eyes.

"Alice??" Remus gasped, pressing a hand to his chest. "What on earth? How did you get in here? Why are you here?" The blush darkened, "And how did you know I—"

"Calm down there, Loup!" She laughed out, holding her hands up in surrender. "I snuck in here because that's what I do. We got bored so we decided to wander—"

"'We'?" Remus interrupted, looking adorably confused.

"Yes, we." Harry said, coming out of his hiding space. Remus spun around again and a wide, slightly goofy grin reached his face.

"Harry!" He said happily. He would've gone on but he was interrupted by a giggle. They both turned to see Alice gripping her hands together and bouncing up and down slightly with a wide grin on her face.

"You two are so bloody cute!" She gushed excitedly, "Look at yourselves!" It was then that they both turned to look at each other and realized that they both wore rather large, goofy looking grins. They both tried to regain normalcy to their faces but both settled for a blush instead.

"Could you two… kiss?" Alice all but squeaked past her smile stretched lips, leaving both men in the room shocked. They both shared a look and then turned to her with looks that said "what in the hell?"

"Alice you bloody pervert! You want to watch us kiss??" Harry asked incredulously. She just smiled sheepishly.

"Yes!" She replied. Harry looked as if he was about to protest so she beat him to it. "Look here, Potter, I've been trying to get you to do something about this damn crush for nearly four years so excuse me if I want to see some results once you finally get the bullocks to DO something!"
Remus blinked in surprise and turned to look at Harry with wide eyes. Meanwhile, Harry was glaring daggers at Alice with a red face.

"Four years?" Remus asked in shock. Harry startled and looked at him, blushing deeper and giving a small half-smile in response. Remus' face spread in a smile and he walked over to his blushing "elf". With that smile still on his face he reached out, taking Harry's face in his hands and leaned over a bit to press their lips together.

Harry melted into the kiss and Remus' hands moved from his face to wrap around his waist, pulling him closer. Harry sighed contently and leaned against his body, quite willingly allowing Remus to deepen the kiss.

"Hey, Moony what are you doing in here? Spacing ou- BLOODY HELL!!! GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF MY GODSON'S MOUTH!!!"

Everyone spun around to see Sirius standing with his back to the thankfully closed office door. He had wide, slightly furious eyes and his jaw was tensed.

Remus and Harry quickly backed away from each other with red faces. Harry was the first to speak.

"Sirius! You said you would be alright with this!" He pleaded nervously, no dice.

"No! I said I would be okay with you fancying him! Not you snogging him in our office!" Sirius shot back angrily. At this point Harry crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow.

"Well then where SHOULD we go to snog? Where would be good for YOU?" Harry asked, causing Sirius to sputter in disbelief. "Well sorry! But I just don't think bursting in here and shouting at us is any good!" He explained.

"What was I supposed to do?? You're my godson, for Merlin's sake! When I catch someone with their tongue in your mouth it's a natural response mechanism to start screaming and castrate that person!" Sirius replied tensely, causing Remus to gulp slightly, his eyes wide. "Oh calm down. I've known you for ages, Moony. I'm not going to rip off your manly bits with my bare sodding hands! But with ANYONE else??" Sirius said in an odd sort of comfort. Remus frowned.

"If anyone other than me had their tongue in Harry's mouth I would most likely rip off that persons outer sexual organs too." Remus replied, growling a bit.

"He's possessive! How cute!" Alice cooed from her spot in the room.

"WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE'S OBSESSION WITH REMUS' TONGUE IN MY MOUTH?? HIS TONGUE WAS NOT IN MY MOUTH!" Harry shouted. Sirius frowned at him. Harry sighed a bit and rolled his eyes. "Okay, his tongue was in my mouth." He sighed out, causing Sirius to sputter again.

The room was plunged into silence for several moments and Sirius slumped and flopped into the chair Remus had just been sitting in. Then with a stone face he turned to look solemnly at Remus.

"Have you ever touched him… Inappropriately?" Sirius asked stiffly. Alice burst into a short bout of laughter before clasping her hands over her mouth to stifle it. Harry blushed and slapped a hand over his face and Remus just looked utterly shocked.

"W-what?? Sirius! This is—"

"No, Remus. Answer. Have you taken my godsons virtue?" Sirius' replied, voice still stiff and face still grim.

"Virtue?" Alice snorted from her side of the room. This caused Remus and Sirius to look to her quickly, and then to look quickly at Harry. Harry himself was just frozen on the spot, being stared at with two intense eyes, Sirius' being shocked and angry and Remus' being both, but with a hint of jealousy.

"Harry… Have you…" Sirius began to ask slowly. Harry's eyes widened and he blushed wildly.

"No! I haven't! Alice is just being a berk!" Harry assured them. They both looked very relieved. After being told this Sirius turned his grim attentions back to Remus.

"So have you… Molested my godson?" Sirius asked.

"No! Sirius! He hasn't! We've only kissed! We only got together this morning!" Harry finally just shouted. Then he crossed his arms over his chest again and sighed a bit. "And if we had it wouldn't be molestation. Molestation is against someone's will." Sirius groaned and closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Remus took this moment to share a sly and slightly embarrassed look with Harry.

"Thank you, Harry. So you haven't done anything. Good." Then he looked up at Remus and gained his stern face again. "Have you thought about doing it?"

Remus blushed a bit and then frowned. He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed.

"Honestly? Yes. I have thought about buggering your godson! Just get over it! I like him, quite a bit and I'm quite under the impression that he feels the same!" Remus ranted, looking cross. The room was plunged into a shocked silence before Sirius' face turned dark.

"You are not to bugger my godson! No one is to bugger my godson! HE IS A-SEXUAL!" Sirius shot back, wagging his finger at Remus and standing up from his chair.
"Sirius! We both know I'm not A-sexual! If I was, would I have told you about me having a crush on Remus a few days ago??" Harry retaliated. Sirius paused in thought before sighing dejectedly.

"You're still A-sexual, damn it." He muttered darkly. Remus sighed and his face softened.

"Sirius, have you even SEEN your godson?" He asked seriously. Then he waved one arm out to gesture widely. "He's absolutely GORGEOUS!" He said, causing Harry to blush deeply. "I assure you that once he comes out to the public there will be billions of people seeking to take his virtue! So isn't it good that it's me? One of your good friends, someone I always thought you trusted, and someone that you obviously like considering you've been friends with me since we were eleven."

"Yeah… I trust you, Moony. And of course I like you, you're my best friend." Sirius sighed out wearily. "But can you blame me for wanting to cause you vast amounts of pain right now?" There was a short silence before Remus shrugged.

"I suppose not." He said with a sigh.

Before anyone else can say anything more they all whipped around to watch in horror, as the door swung open.

"Professor Black? Are we going to start cla---" The boy trailed off and his wide eyes landed on Harry. Harry met his gaze with his own wide eyed stare. Then he looked past the boy to the dozens of other students sitting at the desks in the classroom and craning their necks to look past their fellow student and through the door. "BLOODY HELL!" the boy shrieked, "HARRY POTTER????"

The classroom is instantly filled with loud whispers and un-abashed shouts. The students all stood up from their seats to get better looks through the door.

"Bugger." Harry faintly heard Sirius mutter, "I knew there was a reason I had come in here in the first place…"

&HP&

Oh! Gasp! What next!!!

And by the way… The "HOUSE UNITY HUG SANDWICH! SLYTHERIN MEAT!" part was written at 3 AM after a long day of nearly no sleep or food, so forgive me if it's a bit TOO strange.