Chapter 16
"Now mister Black, why did you demolish you and your friends' dormitory?" Dumbledore asked once Sirius had laid down.
"I don't know sir" he mumbled not looking at anyone, he did not know what he had actually done, it was all a blur "Sirius, there would be a reason why you took those actions" Dumbledore used his first name, he was serious "Sir, I don't know, I can just remember that I was angry, confused, heartbroken and I didn't wanna live; I don't want to live, I don't wanna be here"
"Sirius, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but just because the one you love does not want to be with you as a lover does not mean your life has ended" Sirius snorted
"I have no family, Remus has deserted me; I'm losing everyone"
"You have me Siri"
"Yeah I know James, but, you know what I mean right, I can't trust myself around Remus so I can't be friends with him, that means I can't hang around with you guys as Remus will be with you"
"Sirius, Remus will cool down and take you back"
"How do you know Potter?!? You don't know what Remus will do, Remus is better off without me, just like what Mr. Lupin said at first, I'm a bad influence on him, he's better off without me. It's not like anyone cares"
"Of course we care Siri, of course we do" Sirius just turned around in the bed so he neither had to look at the professor's sparkling blue eyes or his friends concerned face.
Sirius got out of the hospital wing later that day, he did not go to find his friends, nor did he attempt to face anybody, he just went into the bathroom, turned the water to scolding, striped his robes off then stepped into the spray, wincing at how hot it was, but not caring, he needed something to put his mind out or how he was feeling.
He stayed under the spray until somebody came in and said they needed a shower; he turned the spray off reached for a towel and wrapped it around his waist. He did not even look at the person that had interrupted him. Sirius got into the dorm chucked on some boxers a pair of jeans with holes in them and a t-shirt then left the dormitory.
Sirius stepped out of the entrance hall double doors feeling the cold weather hit his face, instantly cooling him. He felt at peace, he welcomed the dumbness of his fingers and how his wet hair almost froze in an instant, it felt good.
Sirius headed towards the forbidden forest, the darkness swallowing him up in an instant. He felt nothing as he could see almost nothing but the darkness, his mind went blank as well which he treasured. He got further into the forest until he reached a clearing where he sat down in the cove of a tree.
A centaur came around from behind the tree "You should not be in the forest human"
"Does it look like I care?"
"It is not safe"
"My life is not safe, so why should I care that I'm in this forest, if anything hurts me, all the better, nobody up at that bloody school cares" the centaur just left.
Sirius stayed where he was for a good few hours until a rustling reached his ears. In front of him popped up a small cross between a hamster and a dog. It was a quite little thing and Sirius seemed to remember it was called something like a shmivel or something like that. Sirius beckoned the small creature over to him. It scuttled towards him. The shmivel climbed onto his leg trying to get warmth from his body. Sirius scooped the animal up and put it on his chest trying to warm it up a bit more and feeling comfort in cuddling something so small and fluffy.
The shmivel soon fell asleep in Sirius' hands and Sirius started to dose off as well. The cold was getting to him but he no longer cared, he could die of hyperthermia and he would be a happy bunny. He slipped into a comforting sleep.
He awoke at dawn freezing; the shmivel was still in his arms asleep. He stood up still holding onto the shmivel, he had grown quite attached to the little creature. He walked out of the forest and went towards the womping willow, he pressed the not on the trunk with a long stick then went into the hole in between the roots.
He got to his feet after sliding down the mud slide. He went down the passage way until he got to the trap door. He went up the stairs to one of the bedrooms that Remus had not quite got to yet and crawled into the bed curling up. He started to cry feeling truly alone; even in this room he could smell Remus' beautiful scent.
The shmivel awoke and climbed up the bed a bit more licking Sirius' tears. Sirius ran a hand vaguely over the little animals head smiling at it weakly. He fell back asleep dreaming of nothing but darkness. Just maybe this was how his life should be like from now on, full of just blackness.
He awoke quickly after he had fallen asleep, knowing the way his life was he could not live it and decided something he must do. Luckily these jeans had just what he wanted in them. He wanted to inflict as much pain as he had inflicted on others.
A couple of cuts and blood was all over the bed pooling around him. It did not hurt as much as he wanted it to. So cut his stomach, he cut his arms; he made a slit that was dangerously close to his eye. He kept going until he was too weak to hold the knife. The knife fell from his grasp and he fell unconscious. His peace was fulfilled as his body shut down gradually.