I love the view from the roof, its so beautiful, & its also a long way down. I had to get out of that place...the walls were closing in on me. The roof gives me time to think about everything that has happened in my life & where to go from here. I sat down on the ledge, swung my legs over so that my feet hung over the side of the building. I loved doing this, because it's the closest thing to flying for me. I then, withdrew myself from the world & started to think. I am such an expert at withdrawing myself, I just fear that one day I'll withdraw myself & never come back. Anyway, I started thinking about how downhill my life had gone since Jason went to Penttenville(sp?). Sonny who is the next best thing to Jason, my other rock if you will, cannot even look at me for some reason. Maybe he knows I am emotionally dying, but why is he giving up on me. Why is everyone giving up on me? I wonder what my makeshift family would think, if they knew I woke up everyday hoping to die. I am dying though, or at least my mind, heart & soul are...& that may lead to my suicide.

"Don't jump just because your having a bad day." a voice called out, breaking me from my thoughts. Normally, it would have shocked a person, but I sat there like a stone not really seeing, my voice cold & hollow. "I don't plan on killing myself that way, Patrick." I replied. He must've been looking for Robin, but she is in the O.R. I swung my legs back over stood up & walked over to my corner, & just sat there with a blank stare, hugging my knees to my chest. I could feel him burning his eyes into my every move though, he finally walked over and sat down next to me. "Want to talk about it?" Patrick offered laying his hand on my knee. I looked straight into his eyes, to read his intentions & they were good. "Look, today just isn't going well & with Jason in prison...it's just making me start to realize the reality that I may end up alone." I informed him, my voice still blank & hollow. "Well, what about living with Robin?" Patrick asked. That thought scared me, & it already took alot for Sonny & Jason to deal with me, I loved Robin too much to put her through that. "She couldn't handle me." I replied. I looked at Patrick again & I knew exactly what he was going to say, so I gave him an answer. Standing up, I lost my mind a little "Look, I know you're gonna say 'just ease up' or something like that, but you don't understand...I am dying, slowly but surely. I can't hold onto me anymore, & the only person who could save me from myself is sitting in prison." By this time I had tears in my eyes, & Patrick stared at me concerned, but I continued anyway. "I am dying, & I don't know who is taking over me & thats what scares me, I have no control. Robin has her own problems & I love her too much to put her through that." I finished before running towards the door & leaving the hospital.

On my way back to the penthouse, Leah started to call me. "Hey chika." I answered the phone. " Hey wanna go to the park & sell some shit?" she asked me. Without even thinking I repiled, "Hell yeah, I'll meet you there in 10." I then said goodbye & hung up. I needed this but first I had to do something else. I went into an alleyway, & lead my hand into my pocket searching for my straight-edge. Once I had found it, I collapsed on the floor & played with it against my skin.

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I finally caught up to Leah at the park. "Hey sexy." she greeted me. "what's up?" I replied hugging her as always. "Hey, I want you to meet more friends of mine." Leah informed me & nodded toward three guys in front of us. I love meeting new people! "This is Spider, Twist, & Voodoo." she told me. "What's cooking good looking?" the boy introduced as Voodoo replied. I hated getting hit on by a person I just met, I have to have known them for five minutes first, so I replied by saying "radioactive muffins." sarcastically. "Come on you guys let's go get high." Twist called out.

After about an hour, we were all higher than airplanes. Everything that happened today just seemed to fade, but then once I am sober it will all hit me like a ton of bricks. Voodoo asked me to hold his water bottle that was filled with, "DOA juice", a nice hard-liquor drink he invented, so I got drunk off of it. I was having so much fun, but then I thought that Jason was home waiting for me, to make sure I came home safe. "Hey, I am getting out of here." I announced standing up. "Bye honey." Leah said getting up to hug me, & whispered in my ear "I love you." I said the same to her & exchanged goodbyes with the boys & walked away.

Walking home, I put on iPod, & put on Three days grace. I relate to their songs so much. I looked up into the sky & saw so many, they shine so bright. The music & the stars put my mind at peace, & I felt normal. I turned off my ipod at the door & said hello to friend Freddy, behind the desk. Then I got on elevator & rode it up to the penthouse.

I came inside the apartment to see Sam on her laptop. "Hey." she greeted me. 'That's odd where's Jason?' I thought to myself. "Hey Sam where, Ja..." I suddenly stopped & realization hit me. He wasn't here, I haven't seen him in weeks. My knees gave way without my control, sending me to the floor. I started crying, hugging me knees to my chest mumbling "I am dying." over & over. My voice was shaking & tranced-like. Sam came in front of me & sat down to meet my level. "What's wrong?, Talk to me. Stay with with me Rosko, whats wrong?" sam pleaded. When I didn't answer she tried to put her hand on my knee. "DONT TOUCH ME!" I screamed. I wanted to run upstairs & lock myself away but my body kept me there shaking. I could see Sam getting really scared, so she did the only thing she could think of...she called Sonny.

OUT OF POV:

"Hello."

"Sonny, its Sam."

"Are you okay, you sound nervous?"

"Its Rosko, shes having a mental breakdown."

"Ill be there in ten minutes."

"Thanks Sonny, you may be the only person right now who could pull her out of it."

"I hope I could."

LINE GOES DEAD

BACK TO POV:

I watched Sam hang up the phone & came back over to me. She got down to my level & tried to look me in the eyes. I looked down, I just don't want to people seeing that this is me. "Sonny will be here soon." she said. This may help me, although Sonny sometimes gives up on me easily. It is kind of a habit with people, giving up on me. I just really need him right now.