Disclaimer. I dont own FFVII but I'm watching ebay like a hawk for the day the ownership is up for grabs. So I might one day. You never know. I sure don't.

To Hell and back just for the craic

Chapter 2: Tseng the tstoryteller

Incident report
Form Z9MGD666
Officer reporting: Tseng Shinra
Department: The Turks
Date: 32/9/3503

Statement:

I have gathered all the available information and what follows is the Golden Devil incident that took place two weeks ago. If it could have been said to start anywhere it started in the clothes shop in the sector 6 slums. Security videos have captured footage of Yazoo, (see Hojo's report for full background details) browsing the women's section for dresses. The shop had a few other clients looking for suits, shoes, handbags and the like. He came in what he thought to be a disguise as the effeminate, longhaired, albino gunslinger was trying to be discreet. Tseng remembered chuckling to himself when he saw the footage.

Yazoo was ducking around and looking left to right as if he were about to cross a busy road. Then Tseng saw it. The disguise that was meant to hide Yazoo's true identity. It was a large, droopy white moustache. He looked like some sort of Hell's Chocobo. Tseng hit the back of his chair as he rocked with laughter, nearly toppling to the marble floor of his office. Yazoo continued to duck and dodge looks in his direction before his eyes lit up. He stood in front of the smoothest, shiniest, most pink dress in the shop. His mind was made up when he saw a little tag attached to it. It read,

"For the modern man who is not afraid to get into fights over being called a big girl's blouse."

He looked down and patted the materia that he carried in his pocket. Grinning he took the dress to the changing rooms, not noticing that he was followed by a young teenage girl who had picked out a little black number for herself. I say little black number but what I actually mean is a little black ninja suit. Our records from Wutai positively identify the girl as one Yuffie Kisaragi. There are no cameras in the changing rooms so I can only surmise that the girl saw signs of materia on Yazoo. Being a materia specific kleptomaniac she couldn't help but steal the materia he was carrying whenever he had the pink dress on as the next surveillance shows a black and pink streak flying through the door. They left a row of coins spinning on the counter. The shop owner counted the money and slowly scratched his head before shouting, "Have a nice day," out to them. Incidentally further footage showed the owner take Yazoo and Yuffie's clothes out of the dressing rooms to hang them up and put them up for sale.

What happened next was gathered from various witnesses who reported seeing them take flight and head towards the Honey Bee where I eventually gathered from Reno's report that this is where he enters the story. His report says that he followed them in because of the disturbance they created. Witnesses however have pointed out to me that he was in there a good two hours earlier. When asked about this he replied,

"Stakeout. I'm thorough you have to give me that." Honestly sir I give up. Anyway he was there and soon found himself in the middle of a large fight. There was video footage available although I fear it was tampered with.

Reno was indeed being thorough as he was massaging Horny Bee (one of the Honey Bee's more promiscuous staff). She was telling him how good a job he was doing. The tape was edited so the next hour and a half was destroyed. The scene changed to Horny Bee being sprawled on the bed and Yazoo, Yuffie and Reno facing each other. Well Yazoo and Yuffie were facing each other. Reno was simply caught in the middle looking confused and angry that his session had been interrupted. Yazoo spoke first. His angry tone was hard to take seriously as he was wearing a shiny pink dress.

"Give me my materia back thief."

"Or what? You gonna beat me with your pwetty pink handbag? Heh."

Yazoo produced his gunblade and aimed it at the girl's forehead while Yuffie produced a large shruiken. The only problem was that they were both aiming through Reno. Reno however was evidently more concerned about the establishment that the fight was about to start in. His electric prod flickered to life.

"Ok folks. Take this outside. You are not repeat not messing up this joint." Yuffie giggled.

"He thinks he's gonna stop us with his pokey stick. Ooooh lookout it's the pokey stick of death. Poke. Poke. Hahaha." Reno now became very pissed off.

"Ok. You want to die? Fine by me." Now it was Horny Bee's turn to interrupt.

"Please stop. I'll make sure you all get a free ahem massage."

"Ewww"

"Gross"

"Yahoo." Reno stood there with a huge grin on his face when he felt a sharp pain in the rear. He turned to see an angry Yuffie.

"Sexist."

Reno grabbed her foot and pulled, making her fall on her back. The shruiken went spinning under the bed. A soft click gave Reno warning enough that Yazoo was about to fire the gunblade. Reno quickly jammed the electric prod into the barrel. In the next few seconds something extremely strange happened. Yuffie threw the stolen materia in anger as hard as she could at Reno. The electric prod went off making Yazoo's body spasm causing him to pull the trigger. The gun exploded sending a cloud of searing flame over Reno's body. The materia broke over Reno's head shattering into a million pieces. The flame caused them to fuse to the Turks body.

When the dust settled Reno lay still on the floor burnt to a crisp.

"Aaah." Yuffie screamed.

"What?" Yazoo shouted angrily while looking at the remains of his weapon.

"Your boots."

"What the hell is wrong with my boots?" Yuffie's scream from earlier brought Rude running.

"What's all the screaming….Reno!" Yazoo put a finger on his lips.

"Ssssssh. Now what is wrong with my boots?"

"They don't go with that dress at all. Listen I know a shop nearby where I'm friendly with the owners. I'm sure I could hook you up with some class grade A gear."

Rude beat his fist against the wall.

"There's a guy on the floor needing medical attention and all you can do is talk about is clothes?" Yuffie glanced on the floor.

"Oooh he's had worse and its shoes not clothes. There is a big difference. Listen this is a fashion emergency get out of my way." The two pushed past Rude followed by a freaked out Horny Bee. Rude checked for a pulse.

"Oh no. Nooo. Don't do this on me." He got on his phone as quickly as he could and contacted me.

"Tseng sir. Please I need you to meet me in the massage parlor of the Honey Bee. Bring Elena and as much caffeine and sugar as you can." From the tone of urgency in his voice it sounded like a real emergency so I grabbed Elena, some supplies and rushed over there.

We found Rude kneeling over the burnt body of Reno trying to slap him back to consciousness. For the next five minutes we tried to resuscitate him but to no avail. Rude eventually raised his head.

"Sir. I think…I think Reno is dead Sir." Tseng failed to mention the next minute of the tape where he excused himself from the room to celebrate.

"I'm free. Yessss. Yahooo." Rude interrupted him.

"Uuuh Sir."

"What?"

"You're still on speaker phone." Tseng's eyes bulged with surprise.

"Oh. Umm. Sorry." He walked back in.

I told them I would arrange a burial detail immediately. From Reno's report he stated that his spirit looked down on his body and said.

"Oh yeah. That guy's a goner. Wait. Good Looks, red hair. That's me isn't it?" Apparently a fiery pit opened up beneath him, invisible to us. He fell in.

"Awww. Crap."

End of Chapter

Just incase you didn't get that. Yes Reno is dead. Let the flaming commence. However do not worry too much as with him its just a minor inconvenience. You know Reno. Hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know your thoughts as it may even motivate me to get chapter three up all the quicker.TTFN.
Cheers
Wolf
By the way the storyteller was spelt like that on purpose just incase anyone tries to complain about that.