It's been raining for the past 5 days, and to be honest, I couldn't be happier. It goes great with my mood. I haven't left my bed since it started except to use the bathroom, and eat.
I haven't spoken to him either. Not since he told me about Kathy and I literally vomited everywhere. She's pregnant…she's fucking pregnant! Way to rain on my parade! Well let it rain, and rain it has.
I told Don that I was taking my vacation time, shit I haven't taken a vacation in 8 years, not even when my mother died, I think I'm long overdue.
So I here I am, a complete and total mess. Why is it that every time I come close to having everything I always wanted, it gets flushed down the toilet before I even knew what hit me?
This was the ultimate blow. I don't think I have ever felt this far down in the dumps. A real pity party I am throwing myself, huh?
We had gotten so close, Elliot and I. We had made a huge turn around in our friendship, partnership…whatever-ship. He told me he loved me.
FLASHBACK
"You said you loved me!"
"I do love you Olivia! I screwed up I'm sorry! I made a mistake, you have to forgive me!"
"You made a mistake? You asked your EX WIFE if you could move home a week after we slept together! I mean, how is that supposed to make me feel Elliot?!"
"You said we couldn't have a relationship Olivia! Do you think I would have went back to her, if I thought I had a future with you!?"
"I got scared Elliot! It didn't mean that I didn't want a relationship with you."
"Well what did it mean Liv?"
"It meant that you were supposed to talk to me about it! Talk me out of my fears! Not run back to your ex wife!"
"Well excuse me if I'm not a fucking mind reader!"
END FLASHBACK
It just got worse from there.
God I need a drink, what I would do for one drink…
My cell goes off again, should I even bother to look?
"Benson."
"Hey Liv, its Case."
"Hey Case."
"I'm on my way over. Let me in ok?"
ARG.
"Casey--no, I'm fine really. You don't need to come over."
"Olivia Benson, no one has heard from you in days. Please, I just want to make sure you are ok…Elliot told me…about Kathy."
Fucker.
"Listen Case, I'm not really in the mood, ok?"
"I got booze."
"I'm not drinking."
"I got Ben and Jerry's…" She ponders this for a minute…well you can't have a pity party with out ice cream.
EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO
"Jesus Liv, you have been off for almost a week, you would think you would have the time to at least pick up your apartment!" Casey said as she moved some clothing that was sprawled out over the couch.
"Don't start with me Casey."
"Rrrraaree! Aren't we in a mood."
"Give me that." I said and snatched the container of Ben and Jerry's, half baked out of her hands.
"Come on, talk to me Liv."
"What do you want me to say Case?" I ask taking a huge bite of the ice cream.
"That you're angry! Or hurt! Or sad! Or that Elliot is a fucking prick! Anything Liv…anything."
"I'm pregnant." I say barely audible with a mouthful of ice cream.
"Uh…WHAT?"
"I said, I'm pregnant Casey."
"Holy shit."
"Yeah…"
"Oh my God! Congratulations!"
"Yeah, thanks."
"So…whose is it?"
I smack my lips together, does she really not know?
"No…no no no…" She starts to say, I can see the wheels turning in her head, I see her eyes pop out of her head, yup there it is--- she got it.
"Yeah."
"WHAT DOES HE HAVE LIKE SUPER SPERM OR SOMETHING?!"
I can't help but giggle.
"I mean I knew that you guys were close, but I never thought that you guys ---um…you know. So how long?"
I roll my eyes, I really don't want to talk about this now, "I don't know, since I got back from Oregon I guess."
"Wow." Casey said and dug in the bag for the beer she brought, "Sorry Liv, I need this." She said and chugged away.
EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO
"So when are you going to tell him?"
"I have to tell him?" I say sarcastically.
"Come on Liv…really. How are you going to do it?"
"I have no fucking clue."
EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO
I hate going to the Doctors, absolutely hate it. And after my experience today, hate isn't even the right word.
"Ok Ms. Benson, you are all set, we'll see you in one month." The reception was saying as she handed me my appointment card.
"Thanks." I said looking up at her, and then nearly fell out of my skin as I got a view of the waiting room.
Wonderful!
There are how many OB/GYN's in this neighborhood? And I had to pick the one that Kathy fucking Stabler goes to!
I immediately look for the exit, and plan my escape.
I almost made it too, almost.
"Olivia?"
Fuck.
"Oh, hey Kathy. How are ya?" I say, my voice obviously shaking.
"Can you believe I am pregnant again?"
"I know, Elliot told me. Congratulations." I say trying not to let my anger show through my face. I have to make this conversation about her, so she doesn't ask me ---damnit!
"So I didn't know you saw Dr. Williams."
"Uh yeah…just here for a check up…just a check up." Oh God…did that sound like I was lying?
But before she or I could say anything, "Detective Benson, take care of your baby, like you take care of these streets, you hear me?" Dr. Williams said as he walked past us.
FUCK, FUCK FUCK.
I didn't even wait to see the expression on Kathy's face; I bolted out of there like I was chasing after a perp.
EOEOEOEOEOEO
5 months later…
I swear to God this baby is going to be the death of me. If I have to pee one more time! I look in the mirror, yeah definitely look pregnant. I'm not going to be able to hide it much longer. Thank God I work with men; I swear they are sooo clueless.
I rub my round mound and smile. I never thought I would have enjoyed pregnancy so much. But there is something about this baby being inside of me…letting ME carry it…protect it...I don't know, I just love it.
I walk back to my desk and I stop dead in my tracks. Kathy Stabler is here, talking to Elliot.
I have not seen Kathy since that time in the Doctor's Office. I'm not going to lie; I'm surprised she did not tell Elliot. I just hope she keeps her mouth trapped.
"Hello Kathy. Wow! You look terrific!" I say with a fake smile on face. She's wearing a shirt that shows of her belly.
"Thanks Liv." She gives me a curious look. I know right away what she is thinking…am I, or aren't I?
I have a hooded sweatshirt on, and completely hides my growing belly, "How are you feeling?" I ask taking my seat.
"Great actually. How about you?"
I bop my head up and down, "Alright." I say, alright.
I look over at Elliot and can tell that he is uncomfortable with the situation, yeah if he even knew!
I unconsciously rub my mound, and Kathy notices, and I immediately stop.
Shit, I keep doing that! Not at work Liv…not at work.
"Well listen Kath, We have to go." Elliot says standing up and collecting files.
"You mean your still on active duty?" She asks me.
STUPID FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Uh…I--"
Elliot laughs, "Why wouldn't she be?"
"You mean he doesn't---" I shake my head feverishly.
Elliot's eyes meet mine, and he sees the fear that I have them. Very softly he asks, "What is it Liv?"
"Nothing…it's nothing. We should go now if we want to talk Melinda." I say hoping to drop the subject.
EOEOEOEOEOEO
"What was she talking about Liv? What did she mean by 'active duty'?"
Should I tell him? Is this the time?
"Uh…nothing."
Chicken.
"You don't even talk to me anymore Liv."
"It's hard Elliot," I say and take a deep breath, "It's hard."
"I always think about you."
"Elliot, don't."
He turns his head and looks at me, his eyes turn a dark shade of blue, he is serious, and means business, "I left Kathy."
"You what?!"
"I left Kathy. She came to get my set of keys. That's why she was at the station house today."
My mouth can not move as fast as my brain is thinking, "Oh, Why?" Is all I manage out.
"Because we don't love each other Olivia. We both know that. It just wasn't working out." He says and then turns onto the next street.
There is so much more I want to say. So much more information I need. What does this mean?
I'm lost in thought when he turns and says to me, "We're here, let's go."
EOEOEOEOEOEOEO
When we get back into the car, I don't know what to say to him. Thankfully he speaks first.
"Can I come over tonight Liv? I really want to talk to you."
"Uh…yeah. That's sound good."
He turns his head and cocks a smile at me.
I am going to have to tell him tonight.
EOEOEOEOEOEOEO
"Hey." He says as I open my door.
"Hey." I reply. He looks scared, almost like a sad little puppy dog. I don't think I have ever wanted him more…
He's looking at me with those eyes, those eyes that used to connect to my inner most soul.
The heat between us radiates like something I have never experienced before. These hormones are killing me.
We walk to the couch and sit down.
"So what happened?" I start the conversation first.
"I couldn't do it Liv. I don't love her like I love…you. I was miserable Liv. I have been miserable these past 6 months. I miss your friendship so much Liv, but most of all, I miss my arms around you, I miss the way your hair smells, I miss ---everything about you."
I can't even speak, I'm actually speechless.
"Please say something Olivia." He says getting nervous that I haven spoken yet.
"I…ah…I…ah…I…" Talking is useless so I press my lips to his hard, throwing him completely off guard.
The kiss is warm, and wet. I'm kissing him so hard that I'm actually sucking the breath out of his lungs, and I can't stop. I need him. I have never needed him so much.
"I've missed you so much Liv." He says between kisses.
As much as I want to rip off his shirt and make love to him right now, I need more information.
"What about the baby, El?"
He took a breath, and pulled back, "I'm going to love that baby Liv," And then he whispered, "If its mine."
"What?" I gasped and pulled up his jaw so he could look me in the eyes.
"It might not be mine."
"Oh my God. I can't believe that."
"Yeah. You know what the worse thing is?"
I just shook my head.
"As much as I said that I didn't want anymore children, I fell in love with the idea of having another baby. And…now it might not be mine." I see the disappointment in his eyes, and it makes me sad.
"I'm so sorry Elliot." I say, "When did you find out it might not be yours?"
"About 3 months ago."
You've known for three months and you never told me? Is what I want to say, but I don't. Because he is going to flip when he finds out I'm pregnant---
Before I can even finish that thought Elliot's lips come crashing into mine. He lowers me down on the couch before I even know what is going on. He brings his body down on mine, and I know he felt it, my mound.
He lifts his body up and is staring at me. He brings his hands down and feels my stomach.
"What the…?"
"I didn't know how to tell you…" I know it sounds stupid, but it's what came out.
"It's…mine?"
I nod, afraid of how he is going to react.
"Oh my God, Olivia. You should have told me…you should have told me." He says a huge smile erupts on his face, and he brings his lips back to mine and kiss me hard, passionately.
"You're not mad?"
"Mad? Are you serious…I …I…love you." He said and lifted up my shirt and placed kiss around my belly.
I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I have never been so happy as I was in this moment.
"You were going to tell me, right?" He says as he looks me in the eyes.
"Of course Elliot. Of course I was going to tell you. I just…didn't know how, I mean Kathy---and everything."
He nods, I know he understands. I can feel it in the way his mouth covers mind.
EOEOEOEOEO
I wake up in the middle night, because I have to pee, again. I smile as I feel Elliot's strong hands wrapped around belly protectively.
I have never felt so much peace in my life, for just this moment, life was perfect. There were no perps; there were no victims, no ex wives, no anything.
I hear him muster something, and I turn over to see if he is awake.
"Hmm?" I say when I see him looking at me.
"How are we going to tell Cragen?" He says, and we both look at each other and laugh.