Let me down
I've always been a failure to everyone. Look at anything I've ever tried to do … I've failed. I'm a complete letdown.
How about being a Secret Keeper? If I'd just stayed the Secret Keeper, James and Lily would be alive now. Harry would have real parents who loved him every little bit, instead of me … the mass-murdering, convict godfather. James, my closest mate, my literal brother, had been killed because of my foolish actions.
Peter. Even in this case, it's my fault. Peter used to tag along behind me all the time and once I met James and became such good friends with him, Peter just stuck. I never could just tell him to get lost. I always thought that whatever happened, Wormtail wasn't a traitor.
I wonder whether James thought of me before he died. Probably not. He probably thought of Lily. When James began to love Lily, I began hating her. I hated her with every fibre of my being. All James ever talked of was Lily. Lily this, Lily that. She stole the only person I cared that deeply for from me.
Remus. What would I do without him? He's more like an older brother to me. I feel sorry for Remus, because he was one of us, but me and James were so much more closer. Remus may have been like an older brother to me, but James was like my twin and Peter was just the slightly annoying but nevertheless loved little brother. Remus was a very moral person, and that is what I respect the most about him. He accepted everything the way it was. I suppose being a werewolf does change the way you think. He was the only one that answered my questions. Even if it was 'Does McGonagall swallow or spit?'
Lily. What is there to say? I lost my twin to her. I, being myself, tried to draw her away form him. I must say I didn't intend to sleep with her, it just happened. Then she got pregnant. I knew it had gone too far now. James would never forgive me and neither would I. It was terrible of me to do it but I made her miscarry. Sometimes I feel bad for making Lily go through all of that and I try to be extra nice but I always come across as flirtatious. I'm a bastard. I really am. I miss that child as well, sometimes.
I've never met that person for me. My soul-mate. My lover. Call it what you will, I don't believe in it. There is nobody for me. Even for a period of my life I thought that I was potentially gay, but no … I like my women. I just don't love them.
Mum. Need I say more? I regret not having a proper relationship with my mum. Maybe if I hadn't been such a rebel, but I couldn't help the way I felt. Oh well, that's life isn't it? You can't have what you want … when you're Sirius Black that is.
Regulus, the stupid old fool, well I love him all the same. He is my brother after all. I wished he'd had the same strength as me and stood up to my parents rather than just listen to their pure-blood nonsense.
Me. I would like to say I lived a good life, but that isn't very true. I've never done anything properly, never made anybody happy, never lived up to the expectations and you know what the worst part is? That I could've done all of that. Without a second thought, but I didn't. Know why? 'Cos I'm a failure.
Bellatrix's face contorted with anger as I dodged her stunner. I laughed in her face. Then, like in the movies, a red light seemed to shoot out of her wand and fly towards me. It took a millennium. I knew then … I was going to die. It was a dreadful feeling, it was so bad. I wanted to turn, to say sorry to Dumbledore for being so useless, and to say sorry to Remus for not being a good mate. Then I wanted to see that face, Harry's face … James's face and say sorry for not being anything. And then you know I had the weirdest, weirdest thought. I wanted to say sorry to Snape; for being a bastard to him, for making his life hell, for making him make everyone else's life hell (or maybe that's just a natural attribute of his). But I couldn't, because I didn't. Want to know why? I wouldn't be able to face their disappointment.
I always let me down.
Let me down.
Down.