January 25, 2001

Dear Diary,

Sorry it has been a while since I wrote. I guess I've been busy, but what teenager isn't? There's lots to tell, and I've got about an hour, so let's get started. My mom and I have been getting along better. She's starting to ask me about my day, and if I need help with my homework. I tell her yes, just so I get to talk to her. I learned that she doesn't like English or Science, my two favorite subjects. That's alright though, they always say opposites attract. Maybe it is true. You never know, right?

My dad has been a little distant lately. I don't worry about it though, he's probably just letting me and my mom have our space. He's always known about how I long for a relationship with her. The two haven't been fighting lately. Then again, they haven't been talking lately either. I notice that they avoid any eye contact with each other. I don't know why, but I have the strangest feeling that they're going to break up soon. But my parents can't break up. They love each other too much, right?

Enough family talk though, let's see, let me tell you about school. I know, I know, that doesn't sound like a very interesting subject. But here's the deal, there's this new kid in class. It's a boy, he's thirteen, has sandy blonde hair, and tan skin. He has some nice muscles for a thirteen year old too. He has the most amazing eyes though. They're blue, and they are like a puzzle. I've never been a big puzzle person, but this is one that I want to solve.

His name is Ryan Atwood. He's really quiet though. I met him in science. The teacher sat us next to each other for the rest of the year, I'm so excited. He didn't say anything to me at first, just watched the teacher and observed the classroom. While he observed the classroom, I observed him. He was wearing a black t-shirt and some jeans. He had on some Nike shoes and had his hair spiked in the front. About a third the way through class, he turned in my direction and caught me staring at him. I blushed and looked down, and out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his mouth lift up into a small smile. I thought I would melt. I've never felt this way before.

The next day, he was in class before me. When I entered the classroom, I noticed that he was looking at the door, almost as if he was waiting for someone. When he saw me, he smiled and pulled open the chair under the desk for me. I told him thanks, and he mumbled a quick you're welcome. He didn't say anything else for a while, because the teacher started talking. I would look over to him every once in a while to see him sneaking a look at me. He would blush, and I would find him even cuter.

The next day is when he started talking some more. Of course, I was the one asking questions, but it still got him talking. He revealed that he liked basketball, and wanted to join the team the next year. I told him that I would come to his games, and he smiled and I blushed, again. I told him about how I loved science, and he said it was his favorite subject. I was very pleased to hear this, and I didn't know whether I should tell him about my writing or not. In the end, I decided not to. It would have to wait, for now, I wanted to just get to know him without revealing too much about my thoughts.

The next day, we talked about the show Friends. He said his mom watched it, and he'd watch an episode here and there. I told him about how obsessed I was about the show, and he seemed amused by it. Before long we were in a debate about whether or not Ross and Rachael should be together. I said they were made for each other, but he said that they needed to see who else was out there before they made a strong commitment. I don't know why, but I suddenly got the feeling that he wouldn't want to go out with me if I asked. Not like I'm going to though, that's up to him to decide.

Well, that's pretty much it. I guess I didn't have so much to fill in about after all. Oh well, I'll try to write more tomorrow. Bye…

Marissa

January 27, 2001

Dear Diary,

My mom and dad have been more distant than ever lately. I know its only been two days since I last wrote, but they've gotten worse. My dad is staying away from my mom at all costs, and even started sleeping in the guest bedroom. I hope it's just a faze that they're in……

Anyways, an update on Ryan. He's been talking even more lately. He revealed that he has an older brother named Trey, and that his dad lives in New York. He works in the south tower in downtown Manhattan. When he said it, there was pride in his voice, and a smile that I've never seen before. His eyes were twinkling when they looked about me, and I could see how much he loved his father. When I asked about his mother, I noticed some of the glow in his eyes faded, and he said that she had a boyfriend. He didn't comment anymore, so I knew he didn't want to talk about it.

I told him about my family. I told him about how Caitlin lives in boarding school, and how I hardly see her anymore. I told him about how I have a close relationship with my dad, and how my mom and I don't always see eye to eye. He commented that it was normal for teenagers not to get along with their parents, but I told him what I've never told anybody else before. That my mom doesn't like me. He must have seen the pain in my eyes, because he put his hand on my arm and said, at least you have your dad. I just nodded, at a loss of words. I don't know if it was because of what he said, or the feeling of his soft hand on my arm that sent shivers through my body.

Marissa

January 31, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today's the last day of January, and I can't say that I'm upset. These past couple of days have been horrible in my house. My dad is packing up all of his stuff, and says he's moving out. I asked if him and my mom were getting a divorce and all he said was, not yet. I don't know what this means between us. Will I get to see him anymore? I talked to Ryan about it, but he didn't have an answer. That was alright though, because him listening to me told me that even if I don't have my dad's support, I had his, and that was better than nothing.

Today they started announcing that they were selling carnations for Valentines day. Every year, Luke always gave me one, and said that it was because I was his girl. I always threw it away, and he always said, that's alright, we've still got next year. I saw Ryan looking at the flyer for them on the bulletin board in the hall and asked if he had anyone in particular he wanted to give one to. He just shook his head and smiled, "nope, I hardly know anyone yet." and we walked to science together.

Walking together to science was our new thing. His class before science was right next to mine, and he waited for me one day. It was a real joy to see him there, waiting for me without me asking. He'd smiled and said that he wanted someone he knew to walk beside him, and I didn't protest about it. I see the way other girls look at me with jealousy in their eyes, and how they talk behind my back. It just makes me walk closer to Ryan, letting our arms brush by each other's so they have something more to talk about. As I always hear Summer say, "We've got to let the future Newpsies of Newport have some gossip so they can get used to it for when they're older."

Marissa

February 10, 2001

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I haven't been home much lately. I'm always trying to stay away from my mom, because now that my dad's completely moved out, she's back to being a witch. She always yells at me, saying I disappoint her and asks why I can't be like every other girl in Newport. My answer always is, let me live with dad then, it'll do us both a favor, and I walk out of the house. I don't know where my dad moved to, just that he doesn't call much. He's called maybe twice since he left nine days ago. I wish I could talk to him more, but I can't.

Ryan and I have only grown closer though this whole ordeal. He tells me about how things were when his parents split up, and how his dad didn't call or write for half a year. My heart broke at his story, and it made me feel better about the issues I have with my dad. He still won't tell me about his mom though, and gets sensitive whenever I bring up my own mom. He just says, "She loves you, she really does, she just has a weird way of showing it." and I always get the feeling that he's trying to convince himself about his mom more than me about mine.

Me and Ryan talked about life the other day. He said that when he grows up, he wants a family with a beautiful wife and at least two kids. He had this dreamy look in his eyes, and it made me wish that I was his wife. I'd give him however many kids he wanted, and that's not stretching the truth. I told him that I wanted a handsome husband, and maybe three kids. He nodded along and smiled when I was done. I don't know why he was, but it made me blush for some reason.

He asked me what important qualities in a guy she dated would be. I was taken back by the question, and had to think. When I finally reached my conclusion, I realized that he was looking at me with his blue eyes and staring straight into my soul. Before I saw that, I would have told him what any girl would have told a guy, handsome and funny. But with him staring at me like that, I felt as though he could read my mind, and I told him the truth. I wanted someone that was charming, and caring. He had to be nice to me, and everyone else. I didn't want someone that thought I was their own property to do with whatever they wanted. Ryan stared at me the whole time and nodded. When I was done, I wonder if he realized if I was basically explaining his qualities.

Then, I reversed the question on him. He said that he'd want a girl that was caring about others, and didn't think that she was all that. She had to be happy with herself before she thought of getting serious, and she should be somewhat good looking. I laughed at that part, and he laughed too. After a serious talk, I guess some humor was important. I walked out of science that day, wondering if I was what Ryan described.

I don't know why, but I have feelings for Ryan Atwood. Deep, meaningful feelings. We're not even together, or are we? I don't really know. But I can't help but wonder, is this feeling love?

Marissa

P.S. Valentines Day is in just four days!! Wonder if I'll get another carnation from Luke……