A/N sorry I haven't updated on here in a while, but I haven't been able to. This is basically all the posts that I've posted on the OC boards since the last time I posted here, so enjoy!
May 1, 2001
Dear Diary,
So I know i suck at updating this, but I've been busy. Ryan's been coming over for dinner more often, and my mom's actually acting sane for once. Anyways, about me and Ryan, we had our first kiss. It wasn't anything big, but still, it was special. It took forever to happen though. You know how I said that Ryan was more confident, I meant in public. But when it's just me and him, he gets really shy and nervous, more so than before. It's really cute when he gets that way.
So anyways, Ryan was over for dinner, and it was after we ate. We went outside, and stood in my backyard. I can't even remember what we were talking about, or how it happened, it just did. It went by fast, but afterwards, we were both smiling. He left soon afterwards, but I still had the feeling of his lips against mine. It was basically a peck on the lips, but that's alright for now, I am thirteen after all.
Marissa
May 18, 2001
Dear Diary,
So today Ryan revealed that when school's out, he's going to go with his dad for the summer. I of course was upset, but he made me feel better. He hugged me and kissed me really quick, so of course I feel better. I mean this is Ryan, how could you stay upset with him?
Anyways, so I'm going to be all alone this summer, and it really stinks too. I mean, Ryan's going to be on the other side of the country from me, with his dad in New York I understand why he needs to go, he hasn't seen him in a while, but still, I'll miss him. Enough worrying about the future though, let's worry about the present. Luke isn't too happy with Ryan.
And I mean really not happy, like really angry. See, Luke's clearly made it known to the school, don't mess with me. But Ryan and Me are together now, and that makes Luke really upset. So the other day, I found Luke trying to start a fight with Ryan. I of course, went and stood by Ryan, which made Luke even madder. He threatened Ryan, but Ryan just rolled his eyes and took my hand, leading me in the other direction. I smiled at him, and he smiled at me. I guess that's Ryan though, my hero.
Marissa
June 1, 2001
Dear Diary,
I'm enjoying my last month with Ryan, because I know it's going to be hard without him. But instead of worrying about him leaving, we're worrying about his mom. See, she's been really distant lately Ryan told me. She's usually either yelling at him, or drinking, or she's occasionally the 'good mom' but lately she hasn't even acknowledged him much. I told Ryan that maybe that was a good thing, but he shrugged and told me that he wasn't so sure.
Luke hit Ryan. That's a way to start a paragraph huh? Anyways, it was after school, and Ryan was outside waiting for me to come out, and Luke approached him and punched him. What did Ryan do? He smirked at Luke, and watched as a teacher walked towards them. Luke was suspended, and Ryan doesn't have to deal with him anymore. I asked him later if he really wanted to hit Luke, and he just held my hand and said, whatever it takes to keep him away from you.
Since I've told about Ryan's family, I should probably tell about my own. My mom is acting better, but is still kind of weird at times. She does this new thing, where she makes me mad, and then after I yell at her, she tells me I have anger issues and need to see a therapist. I just roll my eyes and walk away. If I'm going to a therapist, she's coming with me. My dad got an apartment in LA, I'm thinking of spending time with him during the Summer.
Marissa
June 15, 2001
Dear Diary,
The dreaded day is coming soon, way too soon. I've already made plans for the summer. I'm going to go with my dad...it's not like my mom minded. If I'm honest with myself, she seemed pretty relieved. I'm okay with that though, anything's better than hearing her yell..."You need to talk to someone if you won't talk to me..." It's getting pretty annoying...
Marissa
July 12, 2001
Dear Diary,
Ryan's gone. He went with his dad the other day, and I'm really missing him already. When we'd gotten out of school, we spent a couple of days at the beach, and just walking the pier. We would hold hands, and laugh at stuff...I can't remember what anymore. We basically enjoyed the little time we had...and I really had fun. But then it was time for him to leave. I tried not to get emotional the day before...when we actually said our goodbyes. He came over to my house, and had dinner once again. We went outside like we usually do, but we both knew that this was no usual day.
He looked really serious that night, and I will never forget the way he held my hand, like he was afraid to let it go. When it's just me and Ryan, he shows a side that no one else gets to see, and I love him for it. Anyways, he just sat there quietly for a long time, and then he turned to me and smiled weakly. He told me that he'd be back before I knew it, and soon we'd be together again. For someone who's barely a teenager, we were both pretty serious that night. He kissed me, and when he walked away, I started crying. Because I wasn't upset that he was leaving, I knew he needed to see his dad. It's just, I had the weirdest feeling that I'd never see him again.
Marissa
August 15, 2001
Dear Diary,
This summer has sucked. It's not even done yet, and I'm ready for it to be over. Ryan and I keep arguing on the phone whenever he calls, and I don't want our relationship to be like that. I just miss him, and I guess when he calls, I get upset and frustrated with him for being gone in the first place. The truth is, I love him, and I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh...the way I feel safe when I'm around him. I just need him, more than he knows.
My dad has a new girlfriend, named Jessica. I guess that she's the Jessica that kept being brought up in his fights with my mom. I hate her, and I barely know her. She has this annoying laugh, and she's always talking. My dad smiles a lot around her, and pays a lot of attention to her, which makes me even angrier. I miss my dad, the way he used to be. I miss walking on the beach, or going out to buy Balboa bars. I miss talking to him until it's late, and I miss him smiling at me the way he smiles at his new girlfriend.
This summer has been by far the worst yet. I miss my boyfriend, I miss my dad, and I want to know what the heck happened to Summer. I came home with my mom the other day, and I saw Luke running on the beach. I let my eyes linger a little longer than usual, watching his sweaty body. I may be young, but I know a hot guy when I see one. It's only now that I realize that I was looking at Luke, the guy I've despised since fifth grade. I can't believe I let myself even turn in his direction, let alone stare at him.
What's happening to my life? What's happening to me? One conversation that I had with Ryan the other day really got to me. He talked about his dad's friend's daughter, Mary, who is our age. He went on and on about how funny she was, and I wanted to yell at him for even talking about her, even thinking about her or talking to her. I ended up getting all jealous, and that made Ryan mad, which made me even madder, and we ended up hanging up on each other. About a month ago, I never would've hung up with Ryan while I was angry, but now it's becoming more normal. This staying apart for so long has really affected us, and I I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be the same.
Marissa
September 11, 2001
Dear Diary,
So today, some terrorists hijacked some planes and flew them into the twin towers and the pentagon. I was pretty devastated by this, but not nearly as much as Ryan. He just came back the other day, and he was really happy then. We had talked through our problems, which really just amounted to not spending enough time together, and we were good again. Until today that is. Because Ryan's dad was in one of the towers when it collapsed...which means he's probably dead.
Ryan took the news pretty hard. He distanced himself from everyone, including me. I invited him over for dinner, but he declined, saying he needed to be alone. His mom didn't help matters any either, because as far as I know, she was drunk, and that means Ryan's not getting any sympathy from her. It means that he's probably going to get yelled at, and go to bed at the end of the day with the knowledge that he no longer has a dad, and his mom doesn't like him. I know I wouldn't be able to deal with that.
But the worst part of it is the fact that he won't talk to me about it. He'll barely look at me, and when he does, there's so much sadness in his eyes that I have to look away. I love him, and I just want him to be okay...for us to be okay.
Marissa
September 18, 2001
Dear Diary,
This past week has been hell. Ryan hasn't talked much about anything, and from what I hear, his mom is just getting worse. He came to school the other day with a black eye, the teachers didn't pay attention to him, only I did. I asked him what had happened, and he looks at me with so much pain in his eyes, and says that his mom's new boyfriend is the worst of all she's had. And as I ran my hand over his bruises, he became really tense, and I had to pull my hand back. Usually, he allows me to touch his face, or his arm, or his shoulder, but he just looked the other way. And I know that he's been through a lot, but that doesn't mean he has to push me aside too. I mean, I just want to help him, but he's always just so upset. I wish there was something I could do, but I don't think there is...
Marissa
October 1, 2001
Dear Diary,
I think that I can honestly say this is the worst day of my life. The pain over summer vacation seems small compared to the pain I feel now. Ryan's leaving, and I don't know if he's ever coming back. It all started when he got home from school, and found that his mom wasn't there. Nothing was there except for a note that said, 'I'm sorry' and Ryan's stuff. He comes over to my house almost in tears, which is pretty bad for Ryan.
Then, my mom calls child services and they come by our house to pick Ryan up. He'd been alone in the guest room for a long time, I didn't know what he was doing, he just said he needed to be alone. So I kept my distance, which was harder than it sounds when you know that you only have a few hours left with some one that's important to you.
He finally came out and we spent the last hour on the couch, holding hands and talking. He kept staring at me, watching my every move, and listening to my every word. And when we heard the knock on the door, and his social worker came, I started crying. He hands me this letter, and then kisses me and tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him too, and we hug for a really long time, until my mom makes me let go.
And as I watched him leave, I can't help but sob really hard, because he loved me too, and now he's gone. And when I read the letter, I savored every word, because it could be his last thoughts to me for a very long time, maybe forever...
Marissa
P.S. I put the letter in my diary for safe keeping...
Dear Marissa,
What can I say, life sucks. I never thought I'd be saying goodbye to you, especially not this fast. I guess there are some things that I wanted to tell you, things that I can't say in person. First off, I have your letter, the one you wrote to me. Your mom found it, and gave it to me with a smirk a while ago. I never told you about it because I figured if you didn't want to give it to me, I shouldn't say anything about it to you.
Second is that I love you. I know I'm barely a teenager, and some may call it puppy love, but I'm in love with you, and I always have been. This summer, when we were arguing, it was the hardest thing for me to go through. I couldn't stand you being mad at me. And I'm sorry that I've been distant lately, there's just been a lot on my mind. I really appreciate it though that you were always there.
I have a favor to ask you. Keep this letter. Because I know that someday we'll be together again, and someday I'm going to marry you. It may not be in five or even ten years, but i promise you I will marry you, because I can't spend the rest of my life without you. So goodbye for now, I'll be with you sooner than you know it.
With love,
Ryan
November 4, 2001
Dear Diary,
I hate school. There's just no point anymore without Ryan. And science just doesn't feel right anymore. I mean, I understand how important school is, but I just hate being there without ryan. I hate being anywhere without Ryan actually. Luke's taking the whole thing pretty well, he's back to his old self. And the girls at school just smirk when I pass by them, and I hear them say stuff like,'I hear he went to jail..' or something like, 'he just couldn't deal with her anymore.' and I just sigh and walk away. I hate school, and everyone in it too.
My mom's more understanding then I thought she would be. She hugs me, or lets me cry when I want to cry. I wish she was like this before Ryan came, so I know that it's not just out of pity. Ryan's letter is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. His promise that we'll meet again is all that I look forward to now. It's been a while, and I still haven't received a single letter or phone call. It makes me wonder if maybe he's changed his mind about me. Maybe he doesn't love me after all.
Marissa
December 21, 2001
Dear Diary,
Still no letter from Ryan, still no call from Ryan. Still no sign of Ryan. There's this curly headed boy at school named Seth, and he's always talking about Chrismukkah and Chrismukkah miracles. Looks like I need one of those right now.
Marissa
December 25, 2001
I love Chrismukkah!! Yes, I've been hanging out with Seth too much, but I liked all his talk of miracles, and guess what..I got one! Yeah, that's right, me, I got a miracle. Ryan called me, and we stayed on the phone for like an hour. It all started around four o'clock, when the phone rang. I answered it, and Ryan's voice comes over the phone. He apologized for not calling or writing sooner, and said that where he's currently living wouldn't allow him to. He says he's doing fine, and that I shouldn't worry about him. Then we started talking about what we got for Christmas, and I told him what I got, and then asked him what he got. He replied, "I got to talk to you," and it made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
I told him about Seth, and he laughed at all the things that Seth does. He tells me about his friends, and how they all have girlfriends and keep trying to get him together with some girl named Hannah. I started getting jealous, and then he says that he's always telling them about me, and how they're starting to understand that he's in love, and not going to go out with Hannah. He asked me if there was any other boyfriends, and I tell him that there's only him, and there will always be only him. He tells me to keep the letter he gave me, and that I need to remember his promise. Then he told me that his time was up, and he didn't know when he'd be able to call again. I told him just to write to me, and call when he could. We ended the conversation with a couple of I love you's and I'll miss you's. Like I said earlier, I love Chrismukkah.
Marissa
January 10, 2002
Dear Diary,
The new year has come and gone, and as it has, I've realized that I don't really have a life. I mean, come on, I wait for a letter or a phone call from someone that I haven't seen in three months, and I somehow believe that he's going to come back and marry me someday because of a letter he wrote to me and a promise he made? I'm fourteen now, I'm older, and I need to grow up. So my New Year's resolution was to get over Ryan. And if he calls or writes, I'll act like we're friends, nothing else. What good could really come being with him anyways, it's not like he's here to stop me.
Marissa
February 14, 2002
Dear Diary,
If anyone ever asks me what the hardest thing in the world for me to do is, I'd say getting over Ryan Atwood. Seriously, how can I get over him, when he's the sweetest, most handsome, and amazing guy I've ever met? Saying I'm going to get over him is one thing, but actually doing it is an entirely different story. For one thing, he's called multiple times these past few weeks. He's even written one letter too. Everytime he does, he promises me that he'll see me again someday soon, and he was right. Because today is Valentines day, and guess who I saw? Ryan Atwood.
He was standing outside of my house when I got home froms school. He had the biggest smile on his face, and the happiness in his eyes was so large, I felt myself feel bad for ever wanting to be apart from him. He took me into his arms, and hugged me for what felt like forever at the time, but what really wasn't long enough. Then, he took my hand, and led me to the beach, telling me that my mom had already said it was okay. I asked him what he was doing here, and he said to be with me of course. But that's not the answer I wanted, I wanted to know where he'd been, and how long he was staying. I regret asking though, because that's when his smile faded, and he told me only for a couple of hours.
I got him talking, and as it turns out, the foster family he's living with has a truck driver in the family, and he was supposed to drive a bunch of supplies to Newport. After a lot of begging and bargaining, Ryan got the chance to come along, which means he got to see me. I felt myself getting teary eyed just thinking about it, and then he kissed me, and everything was alright again. He told me he was living with a foster family in Nevada, and when he'd called me at Christmas time, he'd been in a group home a couple of cities away, and that's he couldn't call me much, because they wouldn't allow it.
So he goes on and on about his new friends, and then talks about this girl at his school. I immediately got jealous, and he must have sensed something was wrong, because he told me that he only saw her as a friend, nothing more, and that he'd never care for anyone like he did for me. I was reassured for the moment, and I told him about Seth. Ryan seemed a little jealous and overprotective at first, but then as I continued talking about him, he must have sensed that there was nothing going on. Especially when I told him that Seth had a huge crush on my friend Summer Roberts(who just recently came back from vacation with her mom).
We spent the last hour with me in Ryan's arms, looking out at the sunset. He told me he loved me, and even though we both didn't want to, we had to say our goodbyes. He promised me that he'd find a way to see me again, even if it meant walking all the way from Nevada to California. And as I watched him leave my house, I started crying.
And not because he was leaving, but because he ever came in the first place.
Marissa