Talking

"Well I think I'm probably going to head up to bed too," Buffy said to Angel. They were the last two awake and it was getting kind of late.

"Right…umm," Angel responded. He was acting kind of strange like there was something he needed to say but he couldn't get it out.

"Is everything ok?" the blonde asked with a worried look on her face.

"Yeah…oh yeah sorry It's just that…" He said quickly, "Can we talk?"

Buffy looked at him with confusion, "Um…sure. What's up?"

Now Angel was looking very nervous. He had been wanting to have a talk with Buffy for a while now but he either just never had the time, the opportunity or the guts to do it. Now, however, it was too late. He opened up the gate and now there was no turning back. "I just wanted to…I wanted to make sure that everything was ok…between us."

Buffy wasn't really sure what to say. To tell the truth she wasn't even really sure exactly what he was referring to. She had thought that everything was going well between them. They had managed to stay away from each other in every way except for being just good friends. They got along fine and everything was going just fine. "Well yeah…I thought everything was going fine," she answered. "Was there something wrong or…just something that made you think that everything wasn't ok?"

"No!" Angel said quickly to make sure that this whole conversation wasn't giving Buffy the wrong idea. "I just…well ever since you came here to stay we haven't really had the chance to have a nice…talk. I left Sunnydale when we broke up…mostly because I didn't think I'd be able to be around you without being with you. I couldn't even stand the thought of being in the same town as you, seeing you on the street, without being able to just run up to you and look into your eyes, see you smile."

He was now doing just that, looking into her eyes. It was as if he was searching for something, but Buffy didn't really know what it was. She found herself getting depressed now. The whole time that she had been at the hotel with him there had been enough people around to distract her from him. Now there was no one else there but him.

He looked to the side as he realized he could no longer hold her gaze. "I thought a lot about what it would be like having you here with me before I first asked you to stay," he continued. "It's been almost three years since I left so I figured it would be alright. We both made our own lives and moved on. So I figured that things would be different…that we wouldn't have to worry about being around each other…without being with each other."

He paused to give her a second to take it all in. Plus…he didn't really know what to say next. Buffy looked down at the ground for a second to gather her thoughts and then looked back up at Angel. "Were you right?" she asked. "Is it different?"

Angel turned away for a moment. Now he really didn't know what to say. He should have seen this coming but he was in no way prepared. "I…I don't know. I thought they were but the other day…you asked me to come with you…for your checkup. I'm not even really sure why you asked me…I mean that was one of the biggest checkups and you asked me to go in with you."

Buffy opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Truth be told she didn't even really know why she asked him so what was she supposed to tell him. Luckily for her she was saved by a change in subject.

"But why you asked me isn't even really the point," the vampire continued. "The point is…when we were there in that checkup room together…it felt so…right. And when that doctor asked if I was the father…I wished I was. I wanted so much to say yes. And that scares me more then you could ever know."

Buffy was feeling so many different mixed emotions that she almost started to get teary. But she fought it. "Wh…why did it scare you?" she asked.

"It scared me…because deep down I know that we can never be together. But I want more than anything for you to stay and for everything to be normal between us. I don't want there to be this weirdness between us and I don't want you to have to leave or me to have to leave or anyone to have to leave." For a moment Angel paused and tried to remember why he was even telling her this in the first place. He thought that he was probably just making things worse. "I guess I'm telling you this because…because I don't want us to keep things from each other. And…I guess I just wanted to see where you were on all of this."

Buffy just stood there with a look of confusion on her face as she tried to collect her thoughts and feelings to come up with a response.

XXXXX

"Nice place," Connor said as he fallowed Spike into his small basement apartment. He was looking around with a smile on his face as if the small apartment was a castle. "This place is all yours?"

Spike looked around at his current dank excuse for a home. "Yeah…it's not much but it's a roof over my head."

"No I think it's great," Connor said with sincerity in his voice. "It's got a bed, a kitchen area…and you've even got a TV. This is like…heaven."

Spike looked at the boy as if he was crazy. "You really have been on the streets for a while haven't you kid?"

Connor looked down at the ground in disappointment. "Longer then I'd like to say."

For a moment Spike felt really sorry for the boy. He had probably been alone on the streets for a long time. Never have a good meal in his stomach, never having a warm place to stay. He almost felt like he could relate. When he got his soul back he didn't really know what to do with himself. Before coming back to Sunnydale he wandered the streets not eating, not sleeping. In a way he knew what it was like. He snapped out of his little daze when the boy started looking at him strangely. "Right…we should get that bandaged up."

"Me?" Connor said with shock in his voice. "Go look in a mirror…you're the one who needs some bandages."

"Don't worry about me," Spike said as he walked into the small bathroom and grabbed some antiseptic and gauss. "I heal fast."

When Spike got back out to the living room Connor was trying to take off his shirt. As he slowly managed to get it off a look of extreme pain appeared on his face. He was bitten on the top of his right arm near his shoulder and it looked pretty bad. He was so skinny that the bit nearly got to his bone. The two boys walked into the little kitchen area and Connor sat down at one of the chairs.

"Now brace yourself mate…this might sting a little," Spike said as he put the antiseptic on the boy's wound.

Connor winced in pain as he tried his hardest not to yell. He couldn't let his rescuer think he was a baby. "So," Connor said with pain in his voice as Spike continued to clean his wound, "You never told me your name."

Spike smiled slightly at his attempt to be manly. "The names Spike."

"Spike?" Connor asked as he almost burst into laughter.

The vampire gave him a stern look. "Got a problem with it?"

"No," Connor said as his face straightened up with a little bit of fear in his eyes. He had seen what Spike did to that thing. This was also the guy that just saved his life and was still helping him out. The last thing he wanted was to piss him off.

Spike was done cleaning the wound and was now starting to bandage Connors arm. "So…what's your story, mate?"

"What do you mean?" Connor asked with confusion.

"I mean what the hell is a kid your age doing out on the streets of LA alone with no place to go?"

"Oh…that story," Connor responded with a sad look on his face. "I've been on my own for a few months now."

"N why's that?" Spike asked.

"No place else to go," Connor responded with a sad ton.

"What about your family?" Spike asked as he finished setting up Connor's bandages.

"I um…I don't have a family," Connor said with a frown as he looked to the ground.

Spike could tell that he was pushing a little too far and that Connor really didn't want to talk about things like that so he dropped the subject. "Right then…you're all patched up."

"Thanks," Connor said with a forced smile. He stood up to go get his shirt.

Spike walked into the room and stopped him. "I wouldn't do that," he said as Connor picked up his shirt. "With a number like that you really should have had stitches. You shouldn't move that arm at all for a few days." We walked into his small bed room and came out with a button down shirt which he threw in Connor's direction. "You should wear that," Spike suggested, "Easier to put on without stressing out your arm. You can keep it."

Connor smiled at him, "Thanks."

He put on the shirt and then after a moment of awkward silence Spike finally said, "Right then…you probably want something to eat."

Connor fallowed Spike into the kitchen and that's when realization dawned on the vampire. He didn't have anything but pig's blood. It was all he needed. Why would he have anything else? He was about to tell Connor the bad news when he saw the box of Wheat-a-bix on top of the fridge. It wasn't much but at least it was something.

He opened the door to the fridge quickly as if to check for more food. "Um…sorry kid but I haven't really had the chance to go shopping recently. I'm afraid the only thing I have is this box of Wheat-a-bix…and I don't even have any milk…or a bowl for that matter." Connor gave him a weird look. "I just moved in…haven't gotten everything that a place needs just yet."

Connor nodded his head understandingly. "That's alright I'm used to going a few days without eating so eating Wheat-a-bix from the box will be like a georama meal," he said with a joking ton. For someone who was afraid to tell Spike about his situation in the first place he was pretty open about it now.

Spike handed him the box and Connor started eating small handfuls. Spike could tell that he was just using manors and trying to eat nicely in front of his host. "It's alright mate…scarf it down if you like. You can eat the whole box. I need to go shopping anyway."

Connor smiled at his kind gesture and started scarfing down the cereal. As he was enjoying his meal he stopped for a moment and looked up at Spike with a half smile, "Thanks."

Things were getting a little to mushy now. "Don't mention it…I probably wouldn't have finished that box before it went stale anyway."

Connor smiled at Spike's attempt at being macho. "I don't just mean for the cereal," he continued as he broke eye contact. Now he was starting to feel a little too mushy as well but he knew he had to get this out. "Thank you…for saving my life."

Spike took in a deep, useless breath. He wasn't used to hearing that. He actually did something good. He saved this boys life and he didn't do it to impress Buffy. He didn't do it to impress anyone. He did it because it was the right thing to do. As the mushiness began to take over Spike tried to shrug it off. "It was no big deal. Just in the right place at the right time I guess."

As he started to get uncomfortable Connor thought that he would change the subject. "So…what was that thing anyway?" he asked between his bites of cereal. "I mean…you see a lot of strange things living on the streets of LA but that…well I've never seen anything like that before."

There was a moment of silence as Spike tried to figure out just what he was going to say to that question. While he knew that he was going to have to tell Connor the truth eventually, since he was bitten and all, it was late and they were both tired. "It was something you don't need to worry about right now kid. All finished then?" he asked as he took the empty box from Connor's hands.

"Yeah…thanks," Connor said as a look of confusion appeared on his face. "It was human though…wasn't it? I mean…after you killed it…there was a human body. And how did you fight it like that?"

Spike realized that he probably wasn't going to get out of this conversation easily but he was still determined to try. "Look…if you want I think you should stay here tonight. I have an extra pillow and blanket. You can sleep on the couch."

Connor realized that he probably wasn't going to get anywhere with his questions tonight so he decided to drop the subject for now. Besides, he was grateful enough to have food in his stomach and a place to stay for the night. He didn't want to push his luck. The two boys walked into the living room area. Spike went into his room to grab the extra pillow and the blanket was already folded nicely on the top of the couch.

Spike threw the pillow onto the couch and stood there for a moment. "Right then…you're all set."

"Thanks," Connor said as he walked to the couch and unfolded the blanket.

Spike just gave him a quick smile, turned off the lights and walked into his room. He took of his shirt and pants and started to climb into bed. Before he got into bed, however, he took his wallet out of his pants pocket and stuck it under his pillow. Sure he had done a lot for this kid and he owed Spike his life but he knew that sometimes homeless kids would do anything for a few bucks. He climbed into bed and shut off the lights. He lay in bed for a little while with his eyes open staring at the ceiling and then slowly drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXX

When Buffy finally found her voice the only thing she could think to say was, "I…I'm not sure how I feel. I mean you're right…we went on with our lives and we grew into different people. Things should be different I guess. We shouldn't still have feeling for each other but…you were my first love, Angel. And…and no matter what happens…I'm always going to love you."

For a moment both Buffy and Angel were silent. Now Angel was the one who didn't really know what to say.

"I…I know that we can't be together," Buffy continued, "But like you said…I want things to be ok with us too. I want us to be…friends." Even as the words came out of her mouth she didn't even believe them. Deep down she just wanted to tell him that he was the one. That she could never love anyone as much as she loved him…as much as she loves him. But she knew she couldn't.

Even though this was supposedly what he wanted, Angel's heart broke at the sound of Buffy's words. He knew that he could never tell her but ever since she walked through his front door all he wanted was to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her. But he knew he couldn't. "Good," he finally managed to get out. "So…everything is ok then?"

"Yeah," Buffy chocked out as well. "Everything is…fine." Next came the awkward moment of silence. "Well…I'm just gonna go to bed then."

"Yeah," Angel agreed, "Me too. I'm glad we umm…I'm glad we had this talk," he added as they both started walking up the stairs.

Buffy nodded her head and forced a smile. "Me too."

As they reached the top of the stairs they turned left and got to Buffy's door. "Right…so…good night then."

"Good night," Buffy said as she forced a smile and then disappeared into her room. As soon as she closed her door she leaned up against it and sighed as tears began to form in her eyes.

As soon as she closed the door Angel let out a deep meaningless breath as if he had been holding it for hours as he realized that this whole conversation had been pointless. They had gotten nowhere and he found that he had no idea why he started it in the first place.

As he started walking away from the door he paused and whispered, "I love you."