A/N So I'm horrible with posting on here…but I don't mean to be. It's just with all the little posts…I just forget sometimes. Anyways, now you've got a lot to read…so I'll let you get to that. Hope you like it…r/r and enjoy!
March 23, 2002
Dear Diary,
I've had the worst week...take that back, worst month ever. Ryan's been calling, and ever since Valentines day, he's written me once a week, telling me how much he misses me and loves me. But I don't know anymore, I mean we're fourteen, how can we really LOVE each other. Sure, we care, sure we like each other, but does that mean we're in love? You'd think that I'd enjoy all of this attention from Ryan, but I either don't believe him, or just feel guilty for ever doubting him. I'm really hoping that this is just some phase I'm in, and soon I'll be sure that I'm in love with Ryan like I was before. But I'm not sure, and the fact that Luke seems to have become more sensitive to my feelings lately doesn't help either.
Marissa
April 25, 2002
Dear Diary,
What's wrong with me? I mean, I have this great guy, and all I do is hang out with Luke. Yeah, Luke Ward, the guy that I've despised since God only knows how long. And I tell Ryan about it, and he gets upset, which gets me even more upset. I don't know what's wrong with me, only that I need to change. I need to clear my head, and try to be with Ryan again, try to be happy with him again.
Before it gets too late.
Marissa
May 19, 2002
Dear Diary,
I don't know what to do anymore. This distance thing with Ryan and I, it's just not working. I need someone that can be here all the time, someone that I can be comforted by in person, someone that I can actually see. And I know that this is probably the stupidest thing I've ever thought before, but I'm beginning to think that Ryan and I should take a break, clear our heads, see other people. And who knows, if we see each other again someday, then maybe we are meant to be. I just don't know how to bring up this subject with him, he doesn't even know that anything's wrong.
Marissa
November 4, 2002
Dear Diary,
So I didn't tell Ryan that I'd break up with him, but I still think that we're pretty much over, or on a break or whatever. He called the other day and said that they're going to make him switch foster homes. He's now going to be living somewhere in Florida, and even I...who's really bad at geography...know that that's pretty far away. He said his social worker told him that his new family doesn't allow long distance phone calls, so he won't be able to call me. And I doubt that he'll find a way to come and see me. He told me he'll write as often as he can, but he's pretty sure this family doesn't want him having any connections with his past. So I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a while. As much as I thought Ryan and I shouldn't be together, I must say that this news has made me very sad. So, until I get over Ryan, I don't think I'll be able to write in this diary anymore. Not when it seems since the second entry, everything I write about is based off of him...
Marissa
P.S. I'll write again someday...it'll just be a while.
A/N Okay people, this is a very important post. This story has three parts to it, and the first part just ended. The next part will take place in a couple of years
May 18, 2005
Wow, it's been like...three years almost since I wrote in this last. A lot's happened in that time...and I mean a lot. To start off, my mom got remmarried, and so did my dad. My mom got married to some really rich guy...Bullet something I think. I wouldn't know though, since I rarely speak to either of them. I'm rarely home, I'm always at a party with Luke. Oh yeah, me and Luke are together now...it's a long story, but I bet you want to hear about it. The last time I wrote in this, I was just beginning to talk to him and see him as a person, and not some psycho animal thing.
So it started about a month after Ryan called and told me that he wasn't going to be able to keep in touch for a while. Luke was really helpful that month, and I guess you can say we became almost like friends. He took me to a party and we ended up kissing. Don't ask me why or how, but we did. I guess after that, I was kind of stuck with him...I didn't want to tell him no. So Luke finally got what he'd been saying would happen since we were little kids, I was his girlfriend.
About a year ago, I lost my virginity with him. I can't really remember much of it, just that I thought everything was so funny at that moment for some reason. I was really drunk...I woke up with a huge headache and an even bigger feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach. As I watched Luke sleep next to me that one morning, I figured that I loved him, and that I guess that's what people that love each other do...right? I mean, Luke and I, people say that we're going to get married someday, and we're going to have the perfect kids and the perfect life. I always smile and nod along, pretending to be thrilled with the idea. But really, if I'm honest, I don't know what love is still. With Ryan, I was probably too young...that was probably just puppy love. With Luke, I think I love him, but how can you really be sure?
What am I doing, questioning myself like this? I need to start thinking straight again. I haven't heard from Ryan since like December of 2002. He wrote me one last letter. I just found it the other day, and that's what made me decide to write in this again. I'll stick the letter in here, because even though I'm over Ryan, I just can't seem to throw the letter away.
Marissa
P.S. Reading the letter again made me cry, to know that I let him down. But he's the one that left, so I guess it isn't my fault. At least, I hope not.
Dear Marissa,
This is the last time I'll be able to talk to you in a long time. This letter isn't going to be long, but I just need to make sure of some things. You still have my other letter right? The one that promises that we'll be together again someday? I still believe that Marissa, and you should too. I mean, I love you like crazy, and I love this feeling, knowing that even though everyone in my life abandons me, you don't. That no matter what, you'll always be there waiting for me. So I guess this is it for a while, but I will be back, I promise.
P.S. Keep my letters, and remember my promises
June 5, 2005
Dear Diary,
Today, Seth and Summer seemed a little friendly if you ask me. Summer usually ignores Seth when I take him to parties and stuff, but today, she seemed really interested in him. I've always known that they'd end up together someday. They're perfect if you ask me, how they pretend to hate each other, but secretly have feelings for each other. It's really cute to watch them bicker all the time, and sneak glances at each other. That kind of sounds like what me and Ryan used to be like huh? Hmm, interesting.
Marissa
August 5, 2005
Dear Diary,
So Seth and Summer are officially a couple now. They told me themselves, plus...they seem to be all over each other. It's kind of gross really, but it's nice to see them finally admitting their feelings to each other. I'm really glad that they're happy...even if I'm not completely there myself. Luke and I are doing good I guess, but he keeps pressuring me to sleep with him again. His thoughts are that since we've already been together, we should do it again. I don't know why, but I just don't want to be with him in that way. The first time was already a mistake, and I don't want to make another one. I just feel that I should enjoy my life right now, and not worry about sex. If I want to, I will, but even though me and Luke are together, he's just not the person I want to share myself with in that way.
Oh yeah, and there's this guy that I saw today at a party, he looked familiar. He was about my height, and had blonde hair, I didn't get a good look at his face, but there's something about him that I feel like I know, but I just can't place it. He's been at a couple of parties, and I've seen him a couple of times. He's always standing in the back away from everyone, and when I look in his direction, he looks the other way for some reason. But out of the corner of my eye, I can always see him watching me. It's kind of weird, but sweet at the same time. I wish I knew who he was...
Marissa
September 23, 2005
Dear Diary,
So I talked to the guy today...and he's Ryan. I didn't know whether to be happy that he was here, or angry that he took so long to tell me. I was in the hallway during passing period, and I see him out of the corner of my eye, watching me with a smile. I was kind of like, 'this is cool, but I really think he should stop stalking me.' So I confront him, and I ask him who he is and why he's stalking me. He just smiles and asks if I still have his letters like he asked me. I just stand there, not getting what he's talking about...until I remember Ryan's letters. It was about that time that Luke comes up behind me and protectively puts his arm around my waist. The look on Ryan's face at that moment will stay with me forever...the hurt in his eyes. But come on...he's been here like all summer...he should know that me and Luke are together.
Anyways, so that was about the time that I decided that I was angry that he hadn't told me sooner. I told Luke that I needed to be alone, and I walked away, not wanting to be around Ryan anymore. They both didn't follow me, which I was thankful for. At the end of the day, I run into Ryan again, and I mean literally run into him too. He asks why I didn't wait for him...and I ask if he really waited for me. When he didn't answer, that was a big enough answer for me. I guess we're both not so innocent after all.
Marissa
December 1, 2005
Dear Diary,
I can't face Ryan, I just can't. I know that if I face him, I may say some things that I don't want to...I may confess some things. I'm just not ready for a relationship with him right now, I can't dump Luke. Luke hasn't done anything wrong...yet. Though he has now found out that it's actually Ryan that's come back...and of course he remembers him from all those years ago. He's starting to threaten me and Ryan now, saying that he'll make sure that Ryan doesn't steal me. Ryan always smirks and asks him why Luke should be so afraid that he'll take me away.
Ryan keeps becoming more and more persistant as time goes on. Every day he makes sure that we sit next to each other, and when we have to do a project for science class...he always makes sure that his hand brushes mine. The sparks that seem to go up my arm and my spine is something that I've only ever felt with him, but that makes me even more afraid to talk to him. He's always asking me what I'm afraid of...why I won't talk to him. I always say that I'm not afraid of him...which is partially true. I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me, I'm afraid that I'll hurt him. Because I doubted my love for him all those years ago...and look where that got me. I don't think I'll be able to get over him again this time...but I don't know if I've ever really gotten over him at all.
Marissa
December 8, 2005
Dear Diary,
So Ryan and I had a little chat today about the past. He asked me what my favorite memory of him being with me in Newport the last time was. It was in Science class, and he probably didn't expect for me to respond. He said that he thinks his was when he gave me the carnation. I had never known that he was the one that gave me those carnations. He said that even though he didn't own up to them, he still felt that just watching my reaction to recieving them was enough. He said that he still remembered the way my eyes sparkled and my smile made him happier than anything else.
When I stayed quiet, he continued with another story. He said that he loved it when we pretended that we were married. He said that he liked to pretend that I was the one he'd spend the rest of his life with, and that I was the last thing he saw each night, and the first thing he saw every morning. He told me that even though he was afraid to admit it back then, that he loved me so much that it scared him...especially since he was just thirteen.
As he turned back to his work, feeling that he'd bothered me enough, I spoke up and said that I remembered everything like it was just yesterday. I looked at him at that moment for what feels like the first time in three years, and I really could see the love shining out of his eyes. I said that I couldn't just leave Luke though, that I didn't even know if I still loved him, or if I really ever did. He didn't say anything for a while, just looked at me. And when I felt that i was lost in his eyes, he asked if I still had his letters. When I said that I did, he said that was answer enough. I didn't have a chance to ask him what he meant, because the bell rang.
I can't still be in love with Ryan can I?
Marissa
December 10, 2005
Dear Diary,
I went to this party today, and let's just say, it was very eventful. It starts out with me and Luke hanging out with the normal kids we hang out with, and then Ryan enters. I must say, in his black shirt and jeans, he was hot. I mean, really hot. Luke must have seen me staring or something, because he gets all possesive and such. A couple of hours and about five beers later, Luke was drunk...and it gave me the chance to sneak off and talk to Ryan. I went up to him and he asked me if I was sure about how I felt about him yet. I told him that I still wasn't sure, and he said that was fine...that he'd leave me alone and let me decide for myself. The next thing you know, some girl walks by and gives him a really flirty smile. Ryan says that I should get back to him, and walks off with the girl. I watched them go out to the beach, and I felt jealous for some reason.
I found them about half an hour later, full on making out. It really hurt to see them that way, so I went inside and found Luke. I took him out to the beach, and in a place that I was sure Ryan could see, I started kissing Luke. Ryan saw us, I made sure that he did, but he didn't say or do anything. He just took the girl inside, and I followed him, not caring if Luke was watching. I went up to him and asked him what he thought he was doing with another girl. He just smiled and asked me if I was sure of my feelings yet. When I didn't reply, he took the girl by the hand and said, "There we have it then." And left the party and me behind.
Marissa
December 11, 2005
Dear Diary,
I really don't know why I'm so upset that Ryan was with that other girl. I mean...I'm with Luke, and he's free to kiss anyone he wants to. But it's the thought of him having his lips on someone elses other than mine that gets to me. And the fact that he left with her to do God knows what really bothers me. Maybe last night should tell me something. Maybe I should talk to Ryan about the way I feel, before I lose him forever.
Marissa
December 13, 2005
Dear Diary,
So I kinda sorta talked to Ryan today...if you call arguing talking. I was really going to tell him how I felt, that I think I may have feelings for him...when I saw him with that girl again. Gosh...I really just want to give that girl a piece of my mind...the slut. Anyways, Ryan saw me and walked away from the girl and went over to where I was. He asked me if I'd made up my mind yet...and I asked him if he was going out with that girl. He laughed and told me that he doesn't really date...unless it's me of course. I was still pretty mad about him being with her, so I never really told him that I had feelings for him. I just sort of hinted that I didn't like the idea of him being with another girl. He smiled and told me that I was so cute when I was jealous. I was defensive and said that I wasn't jealous, but Ryan always knows when I'm lying. He told me that I'd have to choose sooner or later, and then walked off.
I hate it when he's right.
Marissa
December 14, 2005
Dear Diary,
So I think I may have kind of sort of blurted out that I was in love with Ryan today. It was by complete accident too, and I really regret saying it. Ryan and I had to do this project for science after school and he came to my house. We were doing fine too, I mean really good, we were getting along and laughing and having fun. Somehow or another, he started tickling me. I haven't been tickled in a long time either, and for Ryan to have his hands on my body evoked feelings that I've never felt before. We got really serious, and just sort of lay there...with him on top of me, and stared at each other. I don't know what came over me in that second, but I told him that I loved him...and then kissed him. It wasn't like when we were younger either, it was a passionate and tender kiss. It was a kiss that left me wanting more...a whole lot more if you know what I mean. But as much as I loved the feeling of Ryan pressed up against me, and his hands going through my hair, I kept thinking of how this was cheating on Luke. So I stopped the kissing before anything more could come from it.
Even though I wanted more than anything to stay in Ryan's arms forever.
Marissa
December 18, 2005
Dear Diary,
I tried to end it with Luke, I really did...I just couldn't for some reason. Whenever I try to, he's always turning around and talking to someone else, and forgetting that I need to talk to him. That, or he's drunk and starts making random conversation to me about how blue the sky is, or how dark it is outside. Like I said, I really haven't been able to break up with him.
Meanwhile, me and Ryan are sort of sneaking around. I tell him that I'm trying to end it with Luke, and he asks me if I love Luke...and I always say no. It's true, I don't love Luke, not even a little bit. He was just my rebound guy, that's all. Ryan and I walked along the beach holding hands yesterday as the sun was setting. I think it was the first time in three years that I've been able to truly smile and be happy with someone. The way he makes me feel, is something that I'd forgotten. I can't believe I ever doubted his love for me, ever doubted my love for him. After all these years, I've just come to realize that our love is stronger than it was when we were younger. Ryan's always telling me how beautiful I look, and always smiling every time he's around me. We talk about random things, not really caring what the other says. It's amazing really. I'm going to break up with Luke soon, as soon as I can.
Because I can't lose Ryan, not again.
Marissa
December 23, 2005
Dear Dairy,
So I ended it with Luke today...and I know it wasn't perfect timing considering Christmas Eve is tomorrow, but I just had to get it over with. See, Ryan told me that unless I broke up with Luke, I couldn't kiss him...which is really hard to do. It's like torture. So I broke up with Luke as soon as I could, which was today. He wasn't exactly thrilled either. He ended up threatening me and Ryan when he realized that that's why I wanted to break up with him. I feel like when I was smaller, Luke threatening me because I'm with Ryan. It turned out well last time...or at least the Luke thing, not he part about Ryan leaving. But things are different this time, me and Ryan will go to the same college, and all will be well. Which reminds me, I need to talk to Ryan about that...
Marissa
December 25, 2005
Dear Diary,
So today's Christmas...or Chrismukkah in Seth's world. Last night me, Ryan, and my mom went to the Cohen's house and had Christmas Eve dinner and stuff. We're going back today. Last night, Ryan and I were basically inseparable. When we ate dinner, we sat next to each other and held hands under the table. When we were all sitting in the living room, just talking, I was sitting in between Ryan's legs, and leaning back onto him. He would kiss my neck every once in a while, and I'd have a shiver go down my spine. Then, after everyone left, he took me to the house he was staying at, and he had a mistletoe in his room. I of course, gladly kissed him...can't mess with Christmas tradition now can we?
Marissa
December 27, 2005
Dear Diary,
Christmas was fun. We all went to the Cohen house again, and Seth and Ryan were getting along really well. Me and Summer were talking about me and Ryan, and she says we're a cute couple. When we opened presents, me and Ryan decided to wait because we wanted to exchange gifts alone. For Ryan, I bought him a really nice watch and gave him a picture of the two of us together in a frame that has the words...true love...engraved in it. He really liked it, and kissed me for it. Then he held out this really small box, one that rings come in. He opened it, and there was a promise ring in it. Engraved in it were the words...even now. He said that whenever I doubted him or his love, all I had to do was look down at my ring and see those words and know that he loved me, even now. I kissed him, and we just cuddled up on my bed for a long time, me looking at my ring with the biggest smile on my face...and Ryan just holding me.
When it was late, and he needed to go, I had walked him to the car. When we kissed goodbye, he told me that someday soon, I'd have a real ring, and we'd finally be able to be together forever..
Marissa
December 30, 2005
Dear Diary,
So tomorrow is New Years Eve. Ryan and I are going to go to some party with Summer and Seth at Holly's beach house. Luke's going to be there, and I'm really not looking forward to seeing him. He's still spreading the word that Ryan Atwood is going to pay for stealing his girlfriend. I personally think that he's just embarassed that can be taken away so easily. But what can I say about that, I've been in love with Ryan since I was thirteen, of course I'm going to leave Luke. Oh well, I tell Ryan my fears about Luke, and he always reassures me that everything will be okay. As long as I have him by my side, I'm pretty sure he's right.
Marissa