-1So I know it's been a while, and I'm sorry.
January 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
It's 2006! And the year 2005 ended with a big bang...or a better choice of words, a big thud.
Ryan and I went to that party at Holly's house. We were having a good time for a while there, dancing, and making out of course. Then Luke showed up, and we tried to stay out of his way. Ryan didn't want to get involved with any Luke drama...but I guess he didn't realize that he was already in the middle of it. Anyways, Luke started drinking, and soon became very drunk...and he's not very nice when he's drunk. He started bothering me and Ryan, and we were just sitting on the couch, not bothering anyone. He told Ryan that he had to pay, and Ryan just kept rolling his eyes and smirking at him.
They started counting down...ten seconds..9, 8, 7...and so on. And right when they shouted Happy New Years...Luke punched Ryan in the stomach. This of course started a buch of fighting to go on...cause Ryan's not one to get puched and do nothing about it. It was different from the time when we were younger, now there were no teachers or adults around. So Ryan hit Luke back, and then Luke tried to hit Ryan, but missed and ended up hitting some other drunk guy. Then the other drunk guy started hitting random people, and Ryan took this as our cue to get out of there.
He drove me to the beach, and we sat at the Lifeguard Station. We looked out at the water, and I can't remember a better time in my life. I thanked Ryan for dealing with Luke, and he just smiled at me. We just sat there for a while, and then he turns to me and says that I owe him a kiss because he didn't get to kiss me at midnight. I gladly gave it to him.
Marissa
January 3, 2006
Dear Diary,
Ryan and I are going to have to go back to school soon...which really sucks. It's been really nice this whole Winter Holiday to just sit back and relax, and have fun with each other. Like today, we walked along the beach...which Ryan insisted we do. He said that even though it's kind of chilly outside, didn't mean that we couldn't make the best of it. I was still kind of wary of the idea when we were doing it, especially since I was cold. I kept complaining, and Ryan went and put his arm around me, and I felt shivers, but not from being cold. Suddenly I found myself snug and warm.
Marissa
January 27, 2006
Dear Diary,
Ryan and I have gone back to school, and it hasn't been so bad. There is one thing that really bothered me though. There was a guy that came representing the army, and Ryan seemed to be really enjoying his presentation. We passed notes, and here was the paper...
Do you think we'd get in trouble if I hold your hand?-Ryan
Yeah, a little...-Marissa
What if I don't care though? Would you let me?-Ryan
Hmm, I don't know...maybe :)-Marissa
There, I'm holding your hand, was that so bad?-Ryan
It is kind of hard to write though-Marissa
We'll just have to deal then-Ryan
Argh, is this guy ever going to leave...he's seriously putting me to sleep.-Marissa
I kind of like his presentation though.-Ryan
What do you mean you like it?-Marissa
I like the idea of the army. You know, serving your country, giving back...-Ryan
If you want to give back, do community service. You don't have to serve in the Army of Marines or anything like that.-Marissa
But what if I want to?-Ryan
What's that supposed to mean?-Marissa
Don't get mad, and don't say you're not, I see you.-Ryan
Sorry if I don't like the idea of you going off to war and killiing yourself.-Marissa
I won't get killed, and I'm not even joining yet. Maybe we really should just pay attention to the assembly now before we get into an argument in front of all these people.-Ryan
Whatever.-Marissa
I love you :)-Ryan
Suck up...:)-Marissa
I do my best.-Ryan
After the assembly, we didn't bring up the topic of the Army again. But in the note, he said something that really made me upset and kind of scared. He used the word yet...
Marissa
February 14, 2006
Dear Diary,
Love is in the air...and Ryan's being just the sweetest guy on earth. He bought me flowers, candy, and wrote me a little card. I'm still kind of upset about the whole army thing, and the card just made me a little more worried...
Happy Valentines Day!
I love you, and to think, four years ago I was riding with a truck driver just to tell you that. I know in the future we may not be able to tell each other on the daily basis, but I do, and no matter what we do or join...my love for you will always stay the same.
Ryan
Notice the word 'join'...I hope I'm just being paranoid.
Marissa
February 20, 2006
Dear Diary,
Ryan and I haven't seen much of each other lately. We've been so busy with school lately. We have this huge project and we're stuck with different partners. But the next free moment I get, I need to talk to him about this whole Army thing. I just want us to go back to the way we were before that assembly.
Marissa
February 23, 2006
Dear Diary,
So me and Ryan talked today. It all started in English class(which we now have together) when we were told to write a paper on what we were going to do after high school. It wasn't going to be graded on length or content, but rather just the grammar and stuff. The teacher called upon Ryan to read his paper, which he gave to me after she graded it. This is Ryan's paper...
What am I going to do after high school? I could go to college, or I could get a job. I could join the peace core, or go traveling. What I'm going to do though is join the Army. I'm going to be the guy that you see on base saluting the sergeants. I'm going to be the guy in that camouflaged uniform that you pass on the street. I'm going to be the guy to keep my country safe.
You may ask me questions about my motivations. You may want to know why I would risk my own life for yours, and for our country's freedom. Ever since I was little, I always respected the guys in the service. I was always honored to be in their presence, always amazed to see them. These were the guys that were out there protecting my freedom, my country. I always thought they were 'cool' as some would say.
Then, September 11 came around. Like everyone else, I was devastated by the news. Terrorists had attacked our country, had sent us down on our knees. How could they do this to us? But I had personal connections to that day. My father was in one of the towers when it fell. He died along with many others. I was angry and upset. How could this happen to my country?
So I decided right there and then in front of that TV that I was going to serve my country when I came of age. I was going to do my best to make sure that something like that never happened again, that no one else would feel the pain of losing their loved one like I did that day.
I know there's danger involved, that's obvious. I know I'm going to be surrounded by exploding cars, people, and houses. I know that I'm going to be shot at, spit on, yelled at, and worked to the bone. But I'm proud to say that in our ten year high school reunion, I'll walk in with a smile on my face knowing that I finally did something right.
The whole time he read the paper, he would glance at me to see my reaction. At the end of the paper, when he came and sat down next to me, I asked to go to the restroom. I just couldn't believe that he was going to join the army. I didn't want to believe that he could go off to war and die.
After school, I tried avoiding him. I figured if I avoided him now, that when the time does come, I don't have to worry about being sad that he's leaving. I just won't be with him by then. But then he came to my house, and wouldn't leave until I talked to him.
He sat me down and told me how it is. He wanted to serve his country. He wanted his dad to be proud of him. He wanted his foster parents to be proud of him. And then he put his arm around me tenderly and said that he wanted me to be proud of him.
I started crying then, and he comforted me. I asked what I'd do when he was off at war, and he said that I'd go about life in my normal way. I'd start college, and still hang out with Summer. He told me that he'd email me, and send letters. He said that he understood if I didn't wait for him, but I immediately told him that I would wait for him. I told him that I'd be going to Berkeley with Seth and Summer, and that I'd wait until the day that he could join us. He told me that everything would be okay, that he wouldn't go off and die.
Now I just need to make myself believe him.
Marissa
March 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
Things between Ryan and I are strained right now. For the past week it seems, all I could think about was...what if I lose him? What if he goes off to war and never comes back? I just wouldn't be able to cope. I've lost Ryan before, I don't want to lose him again...not forever. I just have the hardest time kissing him and talking to him now. He always seems hurt, but I think he understands. I just need to clear my head before we can talk. I need to know exactly what I'm going to say to him.
Marissa
March 5, 2006
Dear Diary,
Ryan and I finally talked today. It started right after school, and he was supposed to drive me home like he always did, but instead he drove to the beach and took me to the lifeguard station. He told me that we needed to talk, and I knew he was right. He didn't' put his arm around me, because he must've known that it wouldn't do us any good for him to do that. He just sat there and waited for me to say something, so I eventually did.
I told him that I loved him. I told him that I understood why he was going into the army, but I was also scared. I told him that I couldn't bare to lose him after everything we've been through together. I told him that he helped me through all the hard times, and I couldn't stand the thought of him not being able to help me through hard times during and after college. I told him that I supported whatever he did, even though it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do.
And then he smiled at me. He told me that he was glad that I understood why he had to do what he was doing. He said that he loved me too, and that he promised things would be okay. One year he said. Only one year he would be gone. He said that he'd already talked to some guys at one of the army bases and they already had him signed up for after high school to leave on May 25. Then he put his arm around me, and kissed me in a way that made me light headed and giddy.
One year. That's all I need to worry about. I keep trying to push thoughts out of my head that anything could happen in a year. I'm going to enjoy these last couple of months with Ryan, because I hear a voice deep inside me that keeps saying that these next couple of months might be our last.
Marissa
April 15, 2006
Dear Diary,
One month and ten days...that's all we have left. I'm scared to death but at the same time me and Ryan have been having the most amazing time together. We go to the beach and walk along the shore line with Ryan's arm around my waist, keeping me warm when it gets cold. We go to the movies and go to the diner. We even hang out with Seth and Summer from time to time and watch old movies at Seth's house.
Ryan told him foster parents the other day what he'd decided to do after they graduated, and it was really an emotional time. The woman that was taking care of him hugged him and cried, praying that he'd come home okay. The woman's husband stood there with his back straight and a large, proud smile on his face. I could tell that Ryan looked up to this guy the way he'd looked up to his own father back before he died.
Then we went and told my mom...who I have actually become closer to these past couple of years. She pulled me aside and asked if I was okay with it, and I didn't know how to answer her. I mean, supporting Ryan and being okay with him leaving are two entirely different things. That was when I turned and saw Ryan sitting on our couch, looking at some television show. That's when I knew that I was okay with Ryan going, I was finally alright with it, I'd come to terms with him leaving.
Because Ryan promised to come back home, and Ryan would never break a promise.
Marissa
May 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
The dreaded month is here, no just kidding. It isn't really that bad right? I mean, Ryan's gonna come back before I know it...just a year...that's all. Anyways, so Ryan and I have been spending every possible second together. He eats all meals of the day with me, spends all the time possible in school with me, and spends all available time at home with me. It's not like I'm complaining or anything, I love Ryan's presence with me.
Graduation is in seventeen days. I'm pretty excited, yet really nervous at the same time. I mean, I'm going to be going to college after this, and that's a really big step. It's an even bigger step without Ryan there with me...but at least I'll have Summer and Seth. We're going to go to a graduation party, and then Ryan and I will go off to the beach or something alone afterwards.
Then we'll only have a week left...which is kind of scary.
Marissa
May 18, 2006,
Dear Diary,
So today we all graduated! Thank god, I was beginning to get tired of high school...four years is a lot longer than it sounds. So anyways, today has probably been the most amazing, fun, perfect, fantastic day ever. Why am I so happy you may ask? It may have a little something to do with the fact that I have a naked Ryan sleeping in my bed right now...
So it all started after graduation. Me, Ryan, Seth, and Summer had decided that we wanted to go eat something at the diner together and then go to the graduation party. So we all went to the diner and ordered our regular dinner and talked about the future together. Ryan was beaming when he talked about joining the army, and I felt so proud of him. He was doing something that was going to make a difference while the rest of us are just going to college. Not that college isn't making a difference...but I think you get what I mean.
So we went to the graduation party together, and somehow or another I got Ryan onto the dance floor. I have never danced like that with anyone before, and it was pretty fun. We were so close together, pressed up so tightly against each other that I was sure we'd melt together. We danced almost the entire time together, and were hot and sweaty by the time the party was over.
But we didn't want the fun to end there, so we said goodbye to Seth and Summer and decided to watch movies at my house since my mom was out (she'd left for a quick vacation after my graduation). We actually did watch some of the movie, but that's when I noticed that Ryan was beginning to stop watching the movie and start watching me.
When I looked at him, he smiled and I could see something that I couldn't quite place for a while. It was pure love for me, and once I realized it, I felt happy and giddy.
Then Ryan kissed me...and the rest is history. We made love. It wasn't just sex like it was with Luke, it was us showing our love for each other. When I was in his arms, I felt like I could do anything, like we would last forever together. I felt like everything was going to be okay, and that we would get through all this army drama and whatever else is thrown our way.
Now he's starting to wake up...and he smiling at me. I've got to go...I think someone's up for another round...
Marissa
May 25, 2006
Dear Diary,
So today I said goodbye to Ryan. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. This past week has just been so perfect, I never wanted it to end...it's not fair that it has to end. We've stayed every night together, making love until we're so exhausted that we just collapse on each other and fall into a deep sleep until late the next day. I had actually thought it my head that maybe he wouldn't leave, but of course he did.
When I saw him off at the airport, people were cheering around us because they saw Ryan in his uniform and were all thanking him. It made me tear up to see how tall Ryan stood when he saw all those people smiling at him, honoring him, respecting him. When we said goodbye, he promised me that he'd be back in a year, and we'd pick up right where we left off. I believed him too, so I tried to stay strong and show him how much I truly did.
When he left, he gave me this kiss that made me dizzy and weak to the knees. It's been three hours and I already miss him...
Marissa
June 27, 2006
Dear Diary,
I'm sorry I haven't been written in this in over a month...I've just been really sick. Without Ryan here, it all just felt worse too. I miss him like crazy, but he's sending me emails and stuff so I can't really complain about that. Here's one of his latest ones...
Dear Marissa,
How're you doing? I miss you a lot, and I hope you miss me too. Life in Iraq is hard, but I'll survive...really, I will. But I don't want to talk about Iraq, I want to talk about something that isn't depressing, because believe me, that's all I ever get. So I want you to write back to me and tell me about your life, about your summer. I want you to tell me what's going on with you and your mom and Seth and Summer. I want to know everything that I'm missing.
It was hard leaving you, it really was, but I'm glad I did it. I think that if we can get through this whole army thing, then we can get through everything. I go to bed at night looking at your picture. I carry it around with me wherever I go. I keep it in one of my uniform pockets, and it's like it keeps me safe. Some of the things I've seen make you happy to have a little comfort sometimes.
My sergeant is calling me, so I have to go. But know I love you and I miss you. We'll be together soon, already less than 11 months.
Ryan
He writes me once a week, and I print some of the emails out and keep them in a special place for when I need reassurance.
I've been sick lately, really sick. I'm always tired and I become nauseous. I told Summer about it the other day, and she joked that I could be pregnant. I told her that it was impossible because Ryan and I used protection...but then I remembered that one time we didn't and I forgot to take the pill afterwards. I then tried to remember the last time I had my period, and I couldn't even do that it's been so long.
So I went out and bought a pregnancy test yesterday, and I'm currently waiting to find out the results to it. I'm really nervous, what if I am pregnant? What would I do...I mean, Ryan's off in Iraq doing God knows what and I'm here all alone. I'm supposed to go to college, I'm supposed to have a future without a kid...at least for now. I'm only eighteen.
The time has passed and the results are...
Oh crap, I'm pregnant.
Marissa
A/N again...did you see that coming?