A/N Okay, it's been a while again, but from now on, I am going to try my best to post on here more often. Since the Fox OC message boards are closed, I will probably try to remember to post here more often anyways. Okay, now about the story. The story was meant to have three parts. Part one was when they were younger and ended when Ryan went to Florida. Part two was when Marissa and Ryan got back together in senior year and ended when Marissa found out she was pregnant. Part three is when they have Jamie and will end soon probably. I plan on doing maybe four or five months left in the story, maybe a little more. Okay, I think I've said everything, so enjoy.
Dear Diary,
I am now the proud mother of Jamie Atwood. Well I wouldn't say proud...or even happy sometimes, but you get the point. I'm now a mother. I'm eighteen and have a four week old baby. Jamie was born on November 14 at 3:50 A.M. and weighed six pounds and three ounces. She's the perfect blend of me and Ryan...I just wish he was here to see her.
Ryan's doing fine as far as I know. He still writes emails every week, but I don't write him back. It's too hard to do that...to carry on a relationship when you're pregnant and then when you're a mother of a newborn. He actually doesn't know about Jamie at all...I may have not told him about her when I did email.
Speaking of emails, the last one I wrote Ryan was six months ago. I wonder what he feels sometimes when he checks his email to see that there isn't anything from me. He still writes every week though. I can look forward to a new email from him every Monday. Maybe he feels like he should keep writing just incase I decide to email back. Maybe it takes his mind off of things...or maybe he emails just so I know that he's still alive.
I haven't written in this thing in a very long time. I had been searching through my room last night and found this in my dresser drawer. I guess I've been kind of busy and when I wasn't busy I was moody and when I wasn't moody I was asleep. Oh well, I guess that's alright. It's not like you can protest or anything.
So my mom took to being a grandmother pretty well. She helps me with Jamie by babysitting when I need to sleep or buying supplies and providing a home for me and my beautiful baby. But biggest of all...my mom didn't disown me like I half expected her to. I mean...my mom has always been that way. She's always made it clear that if I do something like this, it just isn't acceptable. I wonder what changed her heart.
Speaking of a heart...have you ever loved someone so much that it scares you? I felt that way when I was with Ryan...but he always made me feel safe and at home. But with Jamie...I'm the one that's supposed to protect her and that scares me sometimes. I mean...I couldn't' even be responsible enough for her not to happen in the first place...even though I'm very happy that she's here.
I can't really say that I miss Ryan. I mean...I miss the way his lips felt and the way he held me after we'd make love...and God I miss making love with him...but I'm okay. See, even in Ryan never comes back from war or does and doesn't want me anymore...I still have Jamie.
So I'll always carry a part of Ryan with me.
Marissa
P.S. Here's Ryan's last email.
Another week has passed which means another week closer to our reunion. I'm doing fine...I'm hoping you are too. It would really help if you sent me an email, but I'm sure you're really busy right now. Anyways, I don't' have a lot of time right now...we're shipping off early in the morning for a very important mission and I need my sleep.
I love you,
Ryan
Dear Diary,
Today was Christmas...Jamie's first Christmas. I got her some outfits and stuff and my mom did the same with me. I don't have a lot of time...so this is going to be short and to the point. I love spending Christmas with my baby and all my friends and family...but I missed someone important to me today.
Ryan...
Dear Diary,
So I finally wrote to Ryan, here's the email.
I love you. I know you haven't heard me say it to you in a while, and haven't read it because I haven't written, but I deeply love you, and I hope you know that….god I hope you know that. I know I haven't written in a long time, and I'm really sorry for that. I don't have a lot of time right now, but there are some things that I think I should write to you, things that I think you should know.
A lot has happened since you left. I've done something kind of bad Ryan….I kept something from you. Don't worry, it isn't a secret love affair or anything like that, I would never do that to you. It's just something that I don't know if you'll be too happy with me about…but the thing is I can't tell you what it is just yet. I need you to come home first.
I think I know why I didn't write you for a long time. When you were back home and before this whole army thing happened I thought about how great if felt to be in your arms and how horrible it would be if I lost you. I would sit down and go through all the possible scenarios of you dying in my head and was always so scared that they'd come true. But the thing is, every night I went to bed with the thought that you would never die, you couldn't. That was some sad, tragic thing that happened in books and movies, not in real life to real people. But then you joined the army and left, and the fear that you'd die became so much more real because you were in a greater risk than before.
So when you left, I didn't write a lot. I guess I figured if I didn't let myself get too close to you while you were away, I would slowly start to be able to live without you. That way, if something did happen to you, I'd be alright, I'd already know that I could survive life without you. But over the months, I just couldn't help but check my email every week to make sure that you were there, that you were still alright….that I still had a chance in seeing you again.
So I finally learned that if I let myself love you the way you deserve to be loved, then I couldn't possibly lose you because even if you did die (which you won't), I'd still have memories of you fresh in my heart. I'd still have your words on paper from the emails that I've printed….I'd still have a piece of your heart with me.
There are things that you don't know right now, but please make it home so you can find them out.
Love,
Marissa
Dear Diary,
It's getting close to Valentines day again, and that just seems to make me depressed. It's one thing to live without Ryan on normal days of the year, but the biggest couples holiday ever is going to be really hard. I got Ryan's reply to my emial, and of course, he was just so sweet.
Hey, you finally wrote me back, I was starting to get a little worried about your feelings for me. After all these months I was beginning to wonder if maybe there was someone else keeping you occupied and too busy to write to me. It gets lonely here, not having someone to love. That's why I was always so hopeful when I'd look for your emails because I always figured that today would be the day you decided that I was worth writing to. I'm glad that day finally came.
I love you to, I always have, and I always will. Remember the ring I gave you? That's supposed to mean something right, at least that's what I intended. You don't have to be scared of me dying and leaving you forever Marissa, I would never do that to you. I couldn't do that to myself, knowing in my last moments that I'd let you down. You mean too much to me to do that.
So you have something to tell me huh? I hope it's not too bad...but I'm sure it won't be. I mean, what besides an affair could you hide from me right? I just want you to know that you can tell me anything you want to, nothing could change the way I feel for you.
I have to go now, things have been really busy lately.
I love you,
Ryan
Jamie started crying, so I have to go and take care of her. I hardly ever get a minute to myself anymore...
Dear Diary,
So Ryan wrote an email that told me that he'd come home on May 17. I was so excited and happy that I actually jumped up and down when I read it. It's actually a funny and cute story, so I'll tell you just what happened.
So I was kind of depressed that today was Valentines day and I decided to check for an email from Ryan, and I had one stating that he'd be coming home on the seventeenth of May. Jamie was in the room in her crib (it was in my room...didn't want her to be alone), and I got up out of the chair and jumped up and down laughing and crying in happiness that Ryan was going to come home in just over three months.
I went over to Jamie who was watching me and told her that daddy was coming home. Though she'd never met Ryan, she'd seen his picture, I made sure of that. But when I told her that daddy was coming home, I showed her the picture and like she was registering what happened, she started smiling and reaching for the picture, cooing the whole time. It's like she knew that Ryan was finally coming home, and it was such a special moment.
I picked her up after that and held her while I read to her Ryan's letter. As I did, I looked at her and noticed how similar her and Ryan looked. It's amazes me when I look at her sometimes how I feel like I see a little Ryan in girl form staring back at me.
Three months, three days. That's all I need to wait now for Ryan to see Jamie and hold me in his arms once again.
Marissa
So I know Valentines day is going to suck for the both of us, but I finally have some good news. I'm coming home on May 17! Only a little over three months until I'm with you again and we can talk face to face and I can hold you...we can make love. Gosh I miss you so much. I can't talk long, I'm busy again. I know that my emails have been getting shorter and shorter, but I'm just getting busier and busier. Don't worry, soon it won't matter anyways.
I love you,
Dear Diary,
I got an email from Ryan the other day, but all it said was, 'Less than three months till I see you again.' and then it had his name on there of course. That's okay with me though, as long as I know he's alright and coming home soon, I don't need long and detailed emails.
Jamie's doing good. She's growing up so fast and it really makes me emotional sometimes. I can't wait until Ryan meets her.