-1March 22, 2007 (my bday, lol)

Dear Diary,

So Jamie is doing really well. The other day I gave her a toy and she actually grasped onto it. She is so funny sometimes how she makes all those little baby noises and gurgles and amuses herself with them. She smiles when I walk into the room and lifts her arms up to be carried. It's so amazing and she's growing up so fast that I sometimes wish Ryan was here to see.

But he'll be here soon, less than two months now.

Marissa

April 17, 2007

Dear Diary,

Ryan's coming home in one month! One more month, that's all I have to wait now. It's so amazing to think of, and I have the biggest smile on my face right now. Jamie just fell asleep so I figured it was about time that I updated this. It's been kind of long.

So Seth and Summer came and visited not too long ago over spring break. Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to say that I'm not really going to college this year. I'm thinking of maybe starting in the fall with Ryan or taking some type of online classes. With Jamie being so young and Ryan being gone, it's kind of hard as is...it'll be even harder if I was off at college without my mom's help.

Speaking of my mom, she really amazes me sometimes. She offered a month in advance to watch Jamie on the day that Ryan comes back so that I can find the right way to tell him about her and we can have the night to ourselves. To think all those years ago I used to think she hated me and now I think the complete opposite. She really does love me, and I appreciate her for that. Without her, I don't know what I'd do. My opinions have really changed huh?

Jamie looks more and more like Ryan everyday. Mom says she sees me in her too, but I don't think so. She is so Ryan's child, and I love her more than anything for that. Jamie has made Ryan leaving so much easier. At least I have someone to keep me company when I get lonely, someone to talk to, someone to have fun with. She can never replace Ryan, but she is really easy to love.

Ryan wrote another email, but my printer isn't working at the moment so I can't print it out and place it in here. Maybe I will when I get it fixed. It basically said that he couldn't wait to come home and that he loved me and was glad we were finally going to be together.

I love him so much.

Marissa

May 16, 2007

Dear Diary,

I'm really bad with keeping this thing up. I'm always so busy and when I'm not busy, I just have no motivation to write at all. But whatever, tomorrow Ryan's coming back! In twenty four hours I will be in his arms, kissing him, talking to him, touching him...it's just making me go crazy with the thought. I can't wait, I mean, I seriously can't wait. This day has gone by so slow and I just want it to be over already...even though I know that I probably won't sleep tonight.

I was with Jamie earlier today and I told her that daddy was coming home tomorrow. I then picked her up and showed her the picture of Ryan which she held her hands out to. Then she started babbling and talking her little baby language and I laughed so she started laughing too. I love having moments like that and I love the sound of her laugh. I love her so much, more than I ever thought possible when I first became pregnant.

I've been counting down the days until Ryan comes back home. I've been so happy that my mom looks at me strangely sometimes before laughing at my behavior. She must notice the way that I seem to skip from place to place with the biggest grin on my face. She always tells me that she wishes she was in love with someone like I am. She's married, but it's far from love that she has for her husband.

Less than twenty four hours...

Marissa

May 17, 2007

Dear Diary,

I think it's really the eighteenth right now, but oh well, it doesn't really matter right? I have a little down time right now since Ryan's sleeping so I decided to write in this. I know you must be dying from the suspense of me meeting with Ryan again...even if you are just a diary.

So in case you didn't notice, Ryan's back. Yes, that's right, he's back and currently sleeping...naked...in my bed. It turned out to be a truly amazing day really. I went and picked him up at the airport and that alone was great. I had been waiting for him as close as I could get to the gate and when I saw him, it's like everything and everyone else melted away. And like in those romance novels, our eyes met, we connected, and he ran to me and took me into his arms. We shared a kiss that was so passionate and deep and good that I thought I'd melt away into him.

Of course we stood there, kissing and just holding each other for like five minutes. I think the people at the airport were torn between being really annoyed with us for being in their way and being happy for us for finally reuniting. People watched Ryan like he was a hero because he was still in his uniform (and he looked really hot), and Ryan just smiled at them and kept walking. You could tell he was uncomfortable, but Ryan can get kind of shy around so many people.

We walked hand in hand and got his bags and everything. We dropped them off at my house after I said he should stay with me. He was a little uncomfortable staying at my mom's house, but I reassured him that it would be fine with her. Besides, I knew that when I did tell him about Jamie, he'd want to be as close to her as possible.

After Ryan changed, we went out to the beach and walked along the water like we always used to. He kept telling me how much he loved me and missed me, and I kept smiling and telling him how much I missed him too. I kept blinking, thinking that this was a dream and that i'd wake up to find out that Ryan still wasn't home yet, but he is, and for that I'm completely happy.

I can't tell you how many kisses we shared today. It was like we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I'd be in the middle of saying something and then suddenly Ryan's lips would be against mine and my arms would go around his neck. The same thing applied when he'd be talking. We have a lot of time to make up for.

We ate pizza for dinner, neither of us wanting to go out and get something once we got back to the house. I don't know where my mom was at that time, but she must have known that I needed my time with Ryan after so long apart. After we ate we made love. Gosh it was so amazing, and I knew I had missed it and everything, but now I can't believe I went so long without doing it.

In the end I didn't tell Ryan about Jamie. I'm going to do that tomorrow when we wake up probably. I wonder what his reaction will be to her...

I have to go, my hand is starting to cramp and Ryan's tossing and turning in bed. I need to make sure he's alright...oh, he just woke up...

Marissa

May 18, 2007

Dear Diary,

Wow, I'm on a roll with updating this thing huh? I again have some free time because Ryan's asleep and Jamie's asleep as well. So, time to fill you in on a truly emotional day. The emotions were both good and bad. Some kind of made me cry.

So it all starts out with Ryan tossing and turning next to me in bed. Remember yesterday when I said I needed to check on him? Well when we went back to sleep, he started doing it again. He gets sweaty too and mumbles stuff in his sleep. When I woke up this morning, he was already awake, staring at the ceiling like something was bothering him. When I asked him about it, he just shook his head and smiled, saying he was waiting for me to wake up. I don't know if I really believe him, but at the moment I didn't want to protest.

So then I tell Ryan that we should go get breakfast at the diner like old times. I made sure that he didn't get a look into Jamie's room just yet because I wanted to wait until after breakfast to tell him. So we go get our normal breakfast and everything and the whole time I'm really nervous about how I should tell him. Ryan picks up on it and puts his arm around me and kisses me. He really knows how to make me feel so much better sometimes.

That's when I realized that no matter what I say or when I say it the message is the same. So we start back for the house and I tell Ryan that there's something that I've been keeping from him. He looks at me kind of worried like and asks me what it is. By then we were back at my mom's house and I see my mom in the living room with Jamie. I give my mom a look that says that we need to be left alone and she hands me Jamie and walks to her room. I look at Ryan, and without words tell him that this is our child.

He stares at Jamie for a long time and then walks off, leaving me all alone with her. Jamie had been watching Ryan very curiously, recognizing him from the pictures. When he left, she seemed to get upset and it took a while for me to settle her down. When she did, I put her in the crib and found Ryan who was staring off into space. I touched his shoulder, and that's all it took for him to crumble.

For the first time, he told me what it was really like to go to war. He told me that you're taught not to show any emotions. He told me that if he saw someone on the street asking for help, he couldn't provide it most of the time. He told me that when you saw a kid, you raised your gun and threatened to shoot because there was a chance that the kid had a bomb. He told me all of these horrible things he'd seen and it was the first time I'd ever seen him like that.

Then he told me about this baby that he saw. He told me how she was crying and how the dead mother was still holding the child. He told me that even though they told him not to, he still tried to save that baby. He had to break the lady's arms to get the baby, and then had to carry the baby to the nearest red cross. He couldn't cuddle the baby like he wanted to though, couldn't try to settle the baby down. All he could do was carry the baby who was probably scared to death by then. He would never know what happened to the baby, but was told not care.

And as he told me everything, I could see how much it hurt him in his eyes. I thought about when we were smaller and when he found out about his father's death and how hurt he was then. He was hurt the same way now, even if it wasn't direct. But that's what war does to you I guess, it hurts you beyond what you thought was possible in places that you didn't know you had. I felt so bad for ever thinking once that my life was bad because he'd seen first hand what it was like to be in the worst possible place.

He then explained that when he saw our baby that he was reminded of that other baby and every other memory that came along with it. I held him and told him that Jamie was ours to care for and that he never had to hold back when he wanted to love her unlike that other baby. So I led him back to where Jamie was and handed Jamie to him. He got a little emotional then and whispered to Jamie that he'd never let anything hurt her.

He held Jamie for most of the day. He played with her and kissed her and hugged her and cuddled her. The sight of the two of them was so cute and made me feel so happy that Ryan finally got to meet Jamie.

And when it was time for us to go to bed, we made love again. It was the perfect end to one of the most emotional days I've ever been through. I wrote a whole lot more than I thought I would, but I just had to explain what happened today as best I could. So I'm really tired now, good night.

Marissa

June 5, 2007

Dear Diary,

So Ryan's nightmares aren't going away. Now I can understand what he says in his sleep though. It used to be just a mumble, but the other day he said something loud and clear. He said, 'Kill him already Derek!' I confronted him in the morning about it, he didn't tell me what had happened with Derek. He just told me it was all part of the past and he wanted to leave the past behind and worry about our future...me, him, and Jamie.

He's been getting closer to Jamie. The other day I found him asleep with her cuddled up on his chest. It's moments like those that make up for his distance when it comes to his time in Iraq. Maybe it's all for the best though, maybe talking about it will just make him upset and then make me upset and then Jamie upset. Whatever his reasons though, I don't want to push him about it just yet.

Marissa

June 20, 2007

Dear Diary,

Ryan's barely sleeping at all anymore. I don't know what to do since he won't talk to me. I suggested that he go see someone about it but he declined. He is determined not to talk about whatever went on off at war. I wish he knew that talking to me would make things easier for the both of us. We don't connect as much anymore. I don't get how he can be so loving one minute and then avoid me completely now. He really needs to talk about it before it eats him up.

Marissa

July 1, 2007

Dear Diary,

Ryan got a call from this lady the other day. It wasn't anything bad, well, it was, but it wasn't like he was having an affair. It was that guy that he keeps talking about in his dream, Derek's mother. Derek's body was found a few days ago. He had been taken POW and killed. Derek was on Ryan's unit and was captured on the seventeenth of May along with the rest of Ryan's unit. As Ryan told me the details, all I could think about was how that could've been him.

The thought scared me more than anything.

Ryan said that they were shipping the body and they'd have a service for Derek in a couple of days. He said he was going to go. I said I'd go with him and let my mom take care of Jamie but he told me no, that this was something he had to do on his own. He wouldn't let me protest either because he quickly left the room and started packing. I don't know what got into him. I know his buddy died and all, but doesn't he know that I want to help him through this?

Doesn't he know that he's hurting me by doing this?

Marissa

A/N Okay, so there's like a month to two months left in this story now. Just thought I'd let you guys know that.