A/N: I am so, unbelievably sorry about the humongous wait. Between school and work I haven't had time to do anything. I kept thinking that I was going to have time, and just never did. Again sooooo sorry. Hopefully, I'll be able to update once a month, then more once the summer comes, and school ends. Okay, now, I hope you like it, and as always let me know what you think.

To be honest with you, I don't have the words to make you feel better, but I do have the arms to give you a hug, ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about, and I have a heart; a heart that's aching to see you smile again. - Unknown

No smile is more beautiful than the one that struggles through tears. - Margaret Fishback Powers

Chapter Sixteen

"It's getting late; I think we should head back to the common room now." Remus said looking at his watch. "We haven't seen anyone out since ten anyway."

James glanced down at his own watch and shrugged, "You're right." He agreed. "Thanks for patrolling with me."

Remus shook his head, "Don't worry about it. How is Lily, I haven't seen her since Saturday."

James shook his head sadly, "I don't know, I'm worried though. She hasn't come out of her dorm in three days, and we can't go up there. Alice said she's only getting out of bed to go to the loo and she's not eating anything they're bringing up for her."

"This is hard on her." Remus said. "Bloody hell, it's hard on all of us, but especially on her."

James ran a hand over his face, "I know that, but this isn't healthy." He turned, kicked a wall, "And I can't even do anything to help her; I can't get to her. I've been thinking of getting my broom and flying through the window."

Remus considered, "That might work, do you know which room is theirs?"

"No, but I can have one of the girls lean out so I can find it."

There was the sound of someone clearing their throat softly from behind them. Both boys turned to see Dumbledore standing there. "Mr. Lupin, James."

"Hello, Professor, we didn't see you there." James said.

"No," Dumbledore said, "I wouldn't think so. Mr. Lupin, you're feeling better?"

"Yes, sir. The full moon was a week ago, so I'm better now."

"Good, now, Mr. Lupin, please head back to your common room, as it's not very far. I need to speak with James for a moment."

Remus looked at James, but nodded, "Alright. Goodnight, sir."

When Remus was out of earshot Dumbledore began, "You're injuries have healed."

James' eyes narrowed, "Yes, sir."

Dumbledore nodded, "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation about Lily."

James felt a flicker of anger at being overheard, "Sir, I know that boys aren't allowed up to the girls dormitories, but I think that there can be an exception made."

Dumbledore held up a hand to stop James' speech, "I'm not going to reprimand you because you want to comfort Lily."

"Oh." James said softly, "Er, sorry about that."

"It's no matter, but, James, while Lily needs to grieve, as do you all, it is not good to let her isolate herself in her grief."

"But, sir, I can't help Lily, not if I can't even see her."

"There are always ways, James." James just stared at Dumbledore blankly for a minute. "Here we are now." Dumbledore continued, stopping at the portrait of the Fat Lady, "Let the other students know that there will be a memorial service on Saturday, if you would." The look on James' face had Dumbledore continuing, "People need to say goodbye. Saying goodbye is often the beginning of the end of grief."

"Yes, sir." James said, thinking of his father. "Fluxweed." James said to the Fat Lady and climbed through the portrait hole. I wonder how I'm going to get to Lily. Dumbledore said that there's a way to get up there, now I just have to figure out how. James thought.

James looked around the common room, found his friends and sat down next to them. "Hey." He said softly.

They all looked up at him, "Hey." Gideon replied.

"Where's Sirius?" James asked.

"Up in our dorm with a bottle of Fire whiskey, like he's been the last four days." Peter replied.

"God," Marlie said sadly, "I don't know whose worse off right now, Lily or Sirius."

Dorcas shook her head, "He doesn't do anything but sit up in his room and drink and all she does is lie there."

Alice sighed, pulled her knees to her chest, and wrapped her arms around her up drawn legs. "I don't know what to do for them." She rubbed her hands up and down her arms.

Marlie rested her head on Alice's shoulder, "Tell me about it."

"Merlin." James said angrily getting up again and stalking over to the girl's stairs. "I need to talk to Lily."

"James, there isn't any way for boys to get up those stairs." Marlie said getting up. "Maybe we'll be able to coax her down." She sighed, "Don't bet on it though."

Both Dorcas and Alice stood to follow Marlie, Alice rubbing her arms once again before heading up the stairs, "Merlin, I just can't get warm, I feel like I'm constantly freezing." She murmured to Dorcas who nodded in agreement.

James cocked his head at her, "Freezing." He muttered.

The girls stopped to look at him, "What about freezing?"

"What if I froze the stairs to keep it from turning into that slide thing?"

"You mean like petrifying them, or actually freeze them like with ice?"

"I was thinking of using ice," James cocked his head again, "Do you think petrifying them would work?"

Alice stopped, "I dunno." Her eyebrows drew together, "I think that in order to petrify something it has to be alive. Remus, do you know?" She called over to Remus.

Remus, Peter, and Gideon walked over, "I don't know, I don't think that it's ever come up before." Remus answered. "But, I think you're right Alice, it has to be alive." He looked over to Gideon.

Gideon just shrugged, "You're the Prefect."

"Right," James said, "so, petrifying the stairs is out then. What about having a layer of ice coating the stairs? That way I wouldn't be touching them."

Both girls shrugged, "I dunno, I don't think that I've heard of anyone trying it." Dorcas said. James looked at Alice, who just shook her head.

"If it doesn't work you can always try the broom thing that you were talking about earlier." Remus said.

"Okay, so, er, I guess you girls should go up first, just in case." When they got to the top James waved his wand and had water flowing from his wand and coating the stairs. He waved his wand again and had the water freezing. "So, here it goes then."

James took one step, then when nothing happened took another. Alice and Dorcas looked at each other, "Huh, who would have figured it'd be so easy."

James was nearly to the top when he slipped on the ice, his hand grabbed at the railing, "Bloody hell!" He cried as his chin smacked off the top stair. As he started to get up he heard the ice begin to crack as the stairs started to shift. "Fuck."

James scrambled up as both Dorcas and Alice stretched out their hands, "Hurry up!"

"I'm trying." James muttered darkly grasping their out stretched hands.

The girls managed to pull James up just as the ice slid down the stone stairs that now led up to the girl's dormitory. "So, ice not such a good idea then." Dorcas said.

James glared at her, wiped blood from his chin, "No shit. Listen do you think you guys could leave me alone with her for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure, it's the fourth door on the right. Just send Marlie down."

"Thanks." He replied starting towards the door.

"James," Alice said, then when he turned around, "She's really lucky to have you. And no matter what she says and does now, she loves you more than anything."

James nodded at her and continued down the hallway. He knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open, "Hey Marlie, do you think you could give me some time with her."

Marlie turned, surprised, "Holy hell, how did you get up here?"

"Blood and sweat." James muttered.

Marlie raised an eyebrow, "So I see." She said pointing to the blood on his chin. "I'll be downstairs."

"Thanks."

"Help her, okay." Marlie said seriously, "We haven't been able to reach her." James only nodded in response. "She's in that bed." She said pointing to one across the room.

When Marlie left the room James walked slowly over to Lily's bed, pushed the hangings out of the way, "Lily." He murmured sitting down next to her curled form.

Lily turned her head, blinked at James, and turned back, "Go away James, I want to be alone."

"No way." James replied putting a hand on her back.

Lily just curled tighter into herself and pulled the blanket up to her chin. "I don't want you here, I want to be alone."

"That's too bad then, because I'm here." Lily just shifted away from him. "Please don't do that Lily. You can't shut yourself away like this." He said lying down next to her. Lily didn't respond, so he just wrapped his arms around her. "I'm not going anywhere." Lily sniffed softly, but didn't say anything.

They lay together, not speaking for almost an hour before Lily shifted, turned to James. One look at her face had James' heart breaking; her eyes were red, swollen, with dark smudges beneath them.

"Why didn't you go when I told you to?" She asked softly.

"I told you, you can't shut yourself away like this. I love you Lily and I don't want to see you do this to yourself." James answered.

"How can you want to be around me, how can anyone? It's my fault that she's dead." Lily said sobbing.

Sincerely shocked James just stared at her for a second. "How can you think that? Lily, I was there too, you risked your life to try and help before Dumbledore got there."

"I told her that we would be safe here. At the end of last year she told me that she was worried about going home, and what our lives would have been like if we'd decided to never come to Hogwarts. I told her that we were better off here than at home. If she hadn't listened to me maybe she wouldn't have come back this year, and then she'd still be alive."

"Merlin, Lily, it's not your fault. It was the truth what you said to her, you are safer here than you would have been at home. You, both of you, would still have been witches, but there would have been no way for you to protect yourselves."

"She's still dead though, six years of magic to help us protect ourselves, and she's still dead." Lily said hollowly.

"I know that Lily." James said softly, "But that doesn't make it your fault. It's Voldemort's fault, it's the fault of the death eater that killed her, but it's not your fault." Lily shrugged, and James could see her distancing herself from him again. "I picked the date." He said softly.

"What?"

"I picked the date." James repeated, "Does that make it my fault that all those people were killed."

Lily stared at him wide eyed, "No, you couldn't have known what was going to happen."

"Neither could you."

Unnoticed, tears leaked from her eyes, "I can't help feeling guilty."

James held her face in his hands, wiped the tears away with his thumbs, and kissed her forehead, "I do too, Lily."

She sniffled, "What about everything you just told me about it not being my fault?"

"I've been telling myself that since Saturday. But I can't help thinking that I picked the twenty-ninth because it was the last Saturday before my birthday. And I think that maybe if I'd picked a different day it wouldn't have happened." James sighed. "But I know better, intellectually anyway. Someone in school had to have told Voldemort when the Hogsmead trip was. How else would they have known when to attack the town?"

"I don't, I never…" Lily started with a furrowed brow. She took a deep breath, "I hadn't thought of that."

James kissed her gently, "It took me a while to think of it myself. Please don't shut me out again. I was worried sick about you, I couldn't see for myself how you were, all I had was what the girls were saying, and none of that was good." James babbled.

"I'm sorry that I worried you." Lily said softly, "I didn't mean too."

"I know, but I've been worried nonetheless."

Lily closed her eyes tightly, "I miss her so much it hurts."

"I know." James said pulling her tightly against him. "I do too. We all do."

"James, I don't know how to deal with this. I just … I can't …" Her breath shuttered out, "I keep looking over to her bed and expecting to see her there, but she's not there, she's never going to be there again."

James rubbed his hand over her hair, kissed her forehead again, "It gets easier."

"Does it?" Lily asked.

He shrugged, "Some." He replied. "I still think about my dad everyday, but it doesn't hurt as much as it did. It helps being here with all of you, with you in particular, Lily. I don't know what I would have done without you, especially those first few days. I just want to be able to do that for you."

Lily smiled slightly through the tears, "It's different with Emily though. Em was seventeen and should still be here, being giddy about her date, waiting for Christmas with the rest of us."

"My dad was different." James agreed, "I didn't expect it, because I didn't know that he was sick. He was old though, so it wasn't so, I dunno, so much of a shock I guess, because I knew that he'd had a good life." He sighed again. "In a way Emily is harder, I know that you were closer to her than the rest of us, and I couldn't imagine what I would be like if it had been Sirius, so I get that this is harder on you than on the rest of us, but shutting everyone out isn't the answer. We're going to need each other to get through this."

"Thank you." Lily murmured.

"For what?"

"For staying with me when I told you that I didn't want you. For being here now."

"I love you; you've helped me with what happened to my dad, so I'm going to be here, whenever you need me to help you with Emily."

"It shouldn't have happened." Lily whispered harshly.

"No it shouldn't have."

"I'm going to do more for Dumbledore and the Order." Lily said. "I have to, I don't think I could stand it if something else happened and I found out that I could have stopped it by doing something."

"Lily there's nothing you could have done to stop it this time." James said firmly.

"I've been thinking," Lily said as if she hadn't heard him, "we've just been telling Dumbledore about people who've been acting off, but I think we should really try to figure out whom, if anyone, are actually death eaters."

James opened his mouth to tell her that it wasn't her fault again, but stopped, "That's a good idea, to get more involved in the figuring out part, not just telling about people who're off lately. We're going to have to come up with good reasons though, so that it doesn't seem that we're just out to get people."

"So, you'll help me then?" Lily asked.

"Of course I'll help you." James said. "Why would you think that I wouldn't?"

"I did expect you too, but I wanted to make sure, I don't think that I could do this on my own."

"Oh, baby," James said softly, "I'll always be there for you, no matter what. I'd do anything, absolutely anything for you." Lily sniffed again then yawned. "I'll go, you need to get sleep."

"No!" Lily said, her voice full of panic, "Please don't go."

"Alright, I'll stay as long as you want."

"It's just," Lily wiped a hand roughly at the tears streaming down her face, "every time I close my eyes I see what happened. I see Dorcas in a pool of her own blood, you standing there with Voldemort bleeding, Emily, Mick, all the others, what Hogsmead looked like after," she said starting to get hysterical.

"Lily." James said sharply, bringing her out of her rant, "I'll stay with you for as long as you need me."

"Thank you." Lily said quietly, kissing James softly.

"You don't have to thank me, not for this." He replied.

"I'm grateful anyway."

James shifted, pulled Lily to him so that she rested her head on his shoulder. "Let's get some rest; it's been a long, shitty couple of days."

Lily rested her hand on his chest, breathed in the smell of him, and for the first time in days fell into a deep sleep where she wasn't chased by nightmares.

Lily woke slowly, feeling James trace light circles on her back, she sighed and snuggled closer into him. "How long have you been up?"

He shrugged, "A while."

"I know that you don't want me to thank you, but…"

"Then don't." James interrupted. "It insults both of us if you think that you need to apologize for something like this."

"Alright." Lily murmured. She stretched slightly, looked around to see the still sleeping forms of her roommates, "I think I'm going to take a shower." She said quietly not wanting to wake them.

"Do you want to go to our bathroom? That way you can have some more time? I'll summon my cloak so that way you won't run into anyone." He asked gently.

"I'm going to have to talk to them; I've been avoiding them for almost a week now."

"As they're sleeping I don't think they'll mind. Plus, I think they'll be happy just to see that you're out of bed."

"They've been very worried haven't they?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, they have." James said quietly.

"Come with me?" Lily asked.

"Alright." James agreed, grabbing his wand off Lily's nightstand. He waved it once, waited for a second, and then saw his invisibility cloak soaring towards him. "Right then." He said getting out of bed; he held his hand out to Lily, pulled her up.

"Whoa," Lily said swaying into James.

"Bloody hell," he said worriedly, "are you alright?"

"Yeah, I just got light headed there for a moment."

"That's what happens when you don't eat or get out of bed for five days, so I believe we'll be stopping by the kitchens on our way back here." James said hiding his anger and throwing the cloak over the two of them.

"The kitchens are completely out of our way." Lily protested.

"I don't care how far out of the way they are, Lily; you are going to eat something." He said with more force than he had intended.

Lily turned her head to look at him as the started down the stairs, but before she could open her mouth to say anything the staircase began to change, "Oh, fuck me." She got out before she felt her feet slip out from under her, and the stone slide met her butt.

"Ouch." She said at the bottom of the stairs. She looked back to see James' legs halfway up the stairs, she got to her knees groped around and pulled the cloak off the rest of him.

He was lying face first at the bottom of the stairs, "I hate this bloody thing." He muttered darkly pushing himself up.

"You're bleeding!"

"What?" James swiped a hand under his chin looked at his blood stained hand, "Bugger it, not again." James said annoyed pushing himself to his feet, and helping Lily to hers. "You're alright though?" James asked as he put the cloak back over them. "It's a good thing no ones up yet, that would have been difficult to explain.

"I'm fine, what do you mean again?" Lily asked climbing out of the portrait hole.

"Huh? Oh, last night when I was trying to get up the stairs to your room I smacked my chin off the stairs and cut it."

"How did you get up the stairs anyway?"

"I covered them in ice then walked up."

"Really? It's that easy to get up?"

"Easy my ass." He grumbled. "I got about three quarters up the bloody thing when I slipped. I reached out for the railing and that's when I knocked my chin off the stairs and the whole thing started changing on me."

Lily turned slowly, "I'm sorry." She said solemnly, but there was the tiniest trace of humor in her eyes. She kissed his chin softly, "Better?"

James would have rapped his chin off the stairs a hundred times knowing that it had put that little spark of light in her eyes. "Yeah, it's better."

Lily ran her hand down the wall at the end of the corridor on the fifth floor and she and James walked in, "Chocoballs." She said to the portrait, and climbed through when it opened. She waited until the portrait had closed before speaking, "You're angry with me." She said.

"What?" James asked bewildered. "I'm not."

"You are. Before we fell down the stairs, when you were telling me that I was going to eat something, you were angry. I'm sorry that I made you stay all night, you ca-can-" Lily's voice hitched, "can go now if you want."

"Oh, Lily, I'm not, no, I want to stay." James said sincerely, "It wasn't that at all."

"Then why are you angry with me?"

"I'm not." Lily raised an eyebrow in disbelief, "I'm not, I was, am, worried about you. I was scared the way you almost fainted upstairs; and…"

"I've never fainted in my life." Lily said indignantly.

James nearly sang at the annoyance in her voice, "You damn near did before. You haven't eaten in five days and you scared the hell out of me before, I'm sorry that I made you think I was angry with you."

Lily eyed him thoughtfully, "I guess I am a bit hungry."

"I would think so, if I were you I'd be starved right now."

Lily smiled softly, "I'm going to take a quick shower I'll be right out." She looked curiously behind her when James came into the bathroom as well.

"I'm going to take a bath, while you're in there. I need to bathe as well."

"Alright." Lily said slowly. She walked to the shower and turned on the water. She stepped into the spray and sighed in pleasure, through the glass wall she blurrily saw James stripping to get into his bath. Her pulse picked up and she quickly turned the temperature down in the shower.

Lily spent more time in the shower than she had planned, but decided that she felt better for it. She dried her hair with her wand before she bundled herself into a bathrobe and stepped out of the shower. She sucked in a breath when she saw James, dressed in his boxers and a t-shirt, "You scared me. Done already?"

"I've been done; you spent quite awhile in there."

"It felt good. I feel better than I have in the past little while."

"I'm glad." James said pulling her into a hug, "Very glad." Lily hugged him tightly enough to surprise him. "What's this?"

"You make me feel safe." She said simply. "Be with me."

He buried his face in her hair. His arms came tight around her, viced them together. "Lily."

"Just be with me." She skimmed her lips over his cheek, found his mouth, poured herself into him. Everything inside him opened for her, opened to her.

Mouth against mouth, he lifted her, cradling her there for a moment, as he would something precious, something rare. He carried her into the bedroom where the strong sun streamed through the glass. They would love in the light. He waved his wand at the couch and had it transfiguring into a bed. He laid her on the wide bed, centered her on the soft fabric, his hands were gentle when the touched her.

It was she who drew him down, held him close. Who sighed when he sighed. They would comfort each other now. Her lips met his, parted. The softest, sweetest of matings. Her hands stroked his back, along the hard ridge of muscle as his body fit to hers. She loved the weight of him, the lines and planes of him, the scent and the taste of him. When his lips roamed to her throat, she angled her head to them both more.

There was tenderness in long, lush kisses, in slow, sliding caresses. And warmth shimmering over skin, the under it until bones melted. He parted the robe, trailed lazy kisses down her flesh. Steeped in her, he traced fingertips over subtle curves, lingering when she sighed or she trembled. And watched with pleasure as color bloomed on her face.

"Darling Lily." His lips found hers again, rubbed gently. "So beautiful."

"I'm not beautiful."

She felt his lips curve against hers, "This isn't the time to argue with a guy." He closed a hand lightly over her breast, easing back to watch her. He flicked a thumb over her nipple, heard her breath catch. "Those eyes of yours, like emeralds. Fascinating how they see everything but what I do when I look at you."

He lowered his head to nibble at her mouth. "Soft lips. Irresistible. Stubborn chin, always ready for a challenge. I love this spot here." He whispered, trailing his lips down to the underside of her jaw. He ran his hand down the length of her. And when he cupped her, she was already hot, already wet. "Go up, slide over."

She was, helplessly, with a quiet moan that was both pleasure and surrender. He made her feel beautiful. Made her feel whole. She reached for him now, rolling with him in a kind of dance without heat or hurry. The sun splashed over them as the air went thick with sighs and murmurs. She touched and tasted and gave as he did, lost herself as he did.

When she rose to him, when he slid inside her, her vision blurred with tears.

"Don't." He pressed his cheek to hers. "Ah, don't"

"No." She framed his face, let the tears come. "It's so right. It's so perfect. Can't you see?" She lifted to him again. "Can't you feel?" She smiled even as the tears sparkled on her cheeks. She held his face in her hands as the moved together, took that silky glide.