I felt nothing, nothing but fear; I could neither eat nor sleep - fear clawed at my mind and body and shook me. Anne Frank
The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death. Thomas Paine
Chapter Seventeen
Lily was breathing rapidly and her heart was beating uncontrollably. She looked around, squinting through the darkness that surrounded her. She couldn't see anything, but she heard footsteps rapidly approaching her. She tried to quiet her breathing so whoever it was couldn't hear her and slowly backed away from the footsteps. She didn't know where she was, how she got there, or what was going on, but she did know that if she were caught they would kill her.
Lily was so intent on moving as fast as she could without making a sound that she didn't notice that the footsteps had stopped. "Lumos." A harsh voice called.
Lily stopped dead, turned towards the voice, the coppery taste of fear filling her throat, and her eyes locked with the cold blue ones of a masked, hooded figure.
Panic filling her, Lily tuned and ran full-tilt towards a door the Death Eater's wand had illuminated. To her relief she found the door open and she barreled through it. The corridor beyond was just as dark as the previous room had been, so still running, Lily pulled her own wand out, lit it. The hell with it, she thought frantically, they already know where I am.
She ran to a door at the end of the hall only to find it locked, "No." She whimpered. She glanced back to see the Death Eater gaining on her. Lily backtracked, found another door and rushed through it, slamming it behind her. "Colloportus." She whispered.
The door rattled, but it didn't open. Sighing in relief Lily backed away from the door, never taking her eyes off it. After only a few steps Lily felt her feet slipping out from under her, her arms pin-wheeled, but to no avail, with a solid thump she fell to the floor. Lily scuttled back from the door when it rattled again. She felt her hand go into a puddle of something warm and sticky. Horrified, she pulled her hand up to look at it, and found it covered in blood.
Gagging Lily slowly looked behind her and screamed before she could stop herself. Behind her were the bloody bodies of a number of Hogwarts students, Dorcas among them.
Eyes blurring Lily ran for a second door and vomited violently the second she made it out of the room. Wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand Lily turned trying to figure out her next move. She ran to the door on her left, which had a bright light coming from under it, a way out, she thought. Finding the door locked, Lily sobbed. Alohomora. Lily thought, finding her voice no longer worked.
To her immense relief it opened. Thank God. She ran through the door and felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She had just run onto the streets of Hogsmead, looking just like they did the day that Emily had been killed. Lily moaned, covered her mouth wither her hands and backed back into the wall of The Three Broomsticks. There were still blackened craters in the bricks where curses had hit.
Lily felt herself hyperventilating, heard herself whimpering, but was helpless to stop it. Looking around for the best way to get back to Hogwarts, Lily heard it, the high-pitched laugh that could only mean the arrival of one person, Voldemort. She looked around wildly, but didn't see anyone. She spotted the alley where she and James had hid the day the Hogsmead attacks and ran to it, hiding herself behind the trashcans once again. She had barely hidden herself from view of the mouth of the alley when she heard a soft scraping.
Fighting the urge to whimper once again Lily bit down on her lip, and peered around the trashcans. Unable to keep herself from sobbing, let out a hollow moan, "No." Emily was moving slowly and stiffly towards her. Her skin was waxy, her eyes were a filmy white, and a small trickle of blood was coming from her nose. As soon as the moan had left Lily's lips Emily stopped and sharply looked in her direction, her filmy eyes locking onto Lily.
"No," Lily moaned again, "no, no, no, no." She stood up, even as Emily continued to move towards her. "Em, it's me, it's Lily." Emily's cold hand reached out for Lily, locking around her throat. Coughing as the hand tightened, Lily tried to knock Emily's arm away, but to no avail, kicking out Lily's foot connected with Emily's shin, and with a sickening crack Lily heard the bone snap. Emily loosened her hold on Lily's throat and staggered backwards several steps.
Coughing and rubbing her throat Lily saw, to her horror, that Emily was still standing, though the bone in her leg was now sticking out he back of her calf. "Please, Em, please don't do this." But Emily kept moving towards her. Tears streaming down her face, Lily looked at Emily, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Incendio." She whispered. A stream of flame flew from her wand; Emily hissed loudly and backed away.
"That's enough, go back." Lily head a cold voice say. "Very impressive," the voice continued silkily, "for a mudblood."
Lily's eyes widened, as she glanced around for any possible way out of her current situation. Finding none, Lily pressed her lips together as her eyes filled with tears, and lifted her chin.
Voldemort laughed cruelly, "Bravery, I've always found it an interesting trait." He said running a finger down her cheek, laughing again when she shuttered. "Lily."
"Don't touch me." Lily said vehemently, finding she felt braver now that she knew what was going to happen.
"Lily." He said again. She blinked when he said her name a third time, this time grabbing her arms and shaking her.
Completely forgetting that she had a wand, that she could do magic, she flung her arms out trying to beat him off.
"Lily, stop it." She heard someone say; dimly she realized that it wasn't Voldemort's voice. Whimpering she swung her arm out as hard she could, "Bloody, buggering hell. Wake up, Lily!"
Still whimpering, Lily opened her eyes, nonplussed she realized that she was in bed, with James and not on the streets of Hogsmead with Voldemort. She burst into tears and launched herself into his arms.
Stroking her hair James murmured softly to her. "It's okay, you're okay. Nothing's going to happen to you."
"He was there, and D-D-Dorcas. And the b-b-blood, s-so m-much of it. Everyw-where. And E-E-E-Emily." Lily replied all in one breath.
"Dorcas is fine, Lily. There's no blood, we're the only people in here there's no one else."
"They were g-g-going to k-kill me, j-just l-l-l-like they k-k-killed all the others. A-And he laughed."
"Baby. It was a nightmare." James said softly, pulling Lily into his lap and rocking her, "You're in Hogwarts, you're safe, there's no one that can hurt you while you're in the castle."
Lily buried herself in James' shoulder, "Don't go."
"No, of course not." James said. "I'll stay here as long as you want me."
"Thanks." Lily responded, taking a deep breath.
"Besides," James said after a moment, "it's my room, there's no where for me to go." Lily just gave a weak laugh in response.
"It must have been the memorial service." Lily said softly after a long while.
"What?" James asked.
"What triggered the nightmare; it must have been the memorial service." Lily said.
Taking Lily's face in his hands James looked into her eyes, "Are you alright? You still look a bit peaked."
"Yeah, I'm okay. I've been better, but I'm okay." Lily replied taking a deep breath.
"Do you think you'll be able to go back to sleep?"
Lily looked at him, and knowing that if she told him no, he would stay up with her, said, "Yeah, I'm just going to get a drink of water first."
"Do you want me to get it for you?"
"No, no that's fine I'll get it." She said getting out of bed. Silently cursing herself for not taking the dreamless sleeping draught that she had made; she grabbed her wand off the bedside table and summoned it. Catching the flagon that came zooming through the window Lily looked behind her to make sure James didn't see, poured some into one of the glasses by the water pitcher, and banished the potion back to her room. Lily stared out into the darkness for a moment before quickly swallowing the potion, "Evanesco." She said, before anyone could see remnants of the purple potion
Quickly feeling the effects of the draught Lily made her way back to James' bed and snuggled into James, "Goodnight, Lily." James said, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"'Night, James." Lily slurred and promptly fell asleep in his arms.
When Lily woke she saw light filtering through the hangings on James' bed, but James himself was nowhere to be seen, there was however a small piece a parchment lying next to her.
Lily,
Dumbledore wanted to see us, but since you were still sleeping, I'll tell him that you weren't up to it. If you get up before I get back meet me in the Great Hall for breakfast.
James
Sighing Lily rubbed a hand over her face. "Bugger it," she mumbled, "I don't want food." Though she knew if she didn't eat she would have to deal with James again, she pushed herself out of bed and towards the door, and in doing so nearly walked straight into Sirius.
Sirius looked distinctly worse for the wear, his hair was lank around his face, he desperately needed to shave, his eyes were dull, blood shot, and shadowed. "Lily." He slurred.
Lily blinked, "Sirius? You look awful."
"Thanks." Sirius said sarcastically.
"Have you been drinking this whole week?"
"What is it to you if I have?"
"Sirius, you can't, you have to deal with it."
"You should talk."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You bloody well know what it's supposed to mean."
"I do not."
"You want me to deal with it? Why don't you take your own advice?"
"I am dealing with it."
"Please," Sirius said harshly, "you are not. Drinking your potion so you don't have to think about it. When have you dealt with it?" Lily looked stricken, "Didn't think that anyone knew about that did you?"
"You weren't there; you don't know what it was like." Lily said quietly, tears filling her eyes.
"I can imagine." Sirius said dully.
"No, you can't." Lily retorted going toe to toe with Sirius and flushing with anger. "You cannot imagine what it was like. Hearing people scream, knowing they're dying, fighting for your life, being tortured, watching people you care about being tortured. Voldemort. That's what I see when I close my eyes, every time I close my eyes. That day, people dying, Voldemort tying to kill me. And Emily as an inferius trying to kill me as well. So, you think you can imagine that?" She hissed her hands shaking with anger.
Sirius, pale with fury, opened his mouth to respond, but James walked in, "Hey, Lil, are you awake?" He blinked when he saw Sirius and Lily standing toe to toe and both shaking with anger. "What's going on?"
Glaring at Lily Sirius said, "Nothing." And he stalked into the bathroom.
"What was that all about?" James asked.
Trying to brush it off Lily shrugged, "I've got to shower before breakfast as well." And she stalked off as well, leaving James behind, very confused.
Looking from Lily's direction to Sirius' James sighed heavily and deciding that Sirius needed him more at the moment, walked to the bathroom to talk to his best friend. "Sirius?" James called.
"I'm busy, Prongs."
"I was well aware of that. But, I- we need to talk."
"What about?"
"You know what we need to talk about, Padfoot." James said. "You've been drunk for damn near a week straight, I think it's time that you…" James broke off in surprise when Sirius, clad only in his pajama bottoms, stepped out from behind the partition that separated the bathroom from the shower, with his wand raised.
"If you tell me that I need to deal with Emily's death, I swear I will jinx you."
"Merlin's Beard, what the hell is wrong with you?" James asked raising his own wand. "Since when have you ever wanted to curse me because I've spoken my mind?"
"I'm dealing with it in my own way, just because my way doesn't fit with everyone else's way doesn't mean that I'm not dealing with it." Sirius replied.
"You're not dealing with it, that's the point. Being off your face for a week straight is not what I call dealing with anything."
"Maybe you should take some of your advice to your girlfriend."
"What are you on about?"
"Forget about it, it doesn't matter." Sirius said.
"Padfoot, what were you and Lily talking about before I came in here?" James asked suddenly, a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Nothing Prongs, it's not important." Sirius mumbled turning his head, and doing so caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. "Bloody hell, I look like dragon shit, she wasn't kidding."
"You and Lily were fighting because she said that you looked like dragon shit?" James asked confused. That's definitely not where I thought that was going.
"What, no." Sirius replied rubbing a hand roughly over his face. "Prongs I need to shower. I really think that you should talk to Lily though, she's not as fine as she wants everyone to think."
"What do you mean? What's the matter with Lily?"
"She's just, I dunno, not dealing with anything that happened in Hogsmead."
James raised an eyebrow, "You thought you'd give Lily advice about dealing with grief? No wonder she was pissed, you've been shit faced drunk since Saturday."
Angry blotches of red appeared on Sirius' face, "I didn't give her any advice about dealing with anything, I'm not the hypocrite. But maybe you should to a certain purple potion your girlfriend is drinking to get her through the nights."
"Where would Lily get a dreamless sleep draught?" James asked, but he already new the answer; Lily was the best in their year in potions.
Sirius raised his eyebrows, "Get? I was under the impression that she was the potion prodigy of Hogwarts." He sneered before closing the curtain that separated the shower from the rest of the bathroom and turned the water on.
James rubbed his own face, turned to the mirror, "I'm eighteen years old, I don't know how to deal with this." He whispered.
Sighing he walked out of his room and down the stairs to the common room to wait for Lily. Sitting on one of the chairs by the fireplace he watched his fellow Gryffindors, even in the week that had passed he hadn't realized the change in his classmates. There was little talking in the common room and no laughing, people had terrified looks in their eyes and kept nervously darting around.
He got up when he saw Dorcas, Marlie, and Alice waking down the stairs, "Hey."
They walked over to him, "Hi, James. Is Sirius doing any better?" Alice asked.
"Not really, I just left him looking as bad as I've ever seen him. But on the plus side at least he's not as plowed as he has been for the passed couple of days."
"Oh." Marlie said sadly. "I guess it's too much to ask for both Sirius and Lily to have gotten better." A dark look passed over James' face. "What?" Marlie asked.
"Is she still up in your dorm?" James asked.
"No, she already went down to breakfast." Dorcas answered. "She seemed to be in a mood too." Both Alice and Marlie gave her looks. "What, she was and the both of you know it too."
"She's grieving." Alice said darkly.
"We're all grieving; she's not the only one who nearly died not the only one who lost someone." Dorcas answered.
"Er, guys," James said, "I'm going down I've got to talk to Lily."
James walked slowly down to The Great Hall trying to think of what he wanted to say to Lily. He walked into The Great Hall looked around, quickly spotted Lily's dark red hair and watched her playing with her food for a second before he sat down next to her. "Hey."
Lily gasped, dropped her fork, and jumped. Putting a hand to her heart she turned to James, "You scared me."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." James looked down at her plate, "Not hungry?"
Lily felt the anger welling up in her belly and barely resisting the urge to scream she hastily spooned some porridge into her mouth. Swallowing Lily smiled nastily at James.
James raised his eyebrow, "That wasn't an order."
"Wasn't it?"
"Come on Lily, we need to talk." James said pulling Lily up by the arm and walking with her out of the hall.
"What do you want James? Haven't I been eating enough, not sleeping enough?"
"Merlin, Lily, what's with you?" James asked annoyed. "What have I done between you waking up this morning and now to have you so pissed at me?" Lily looked up at James her eyes narrowed, opened her mouth as if to say something, then, to James' horror, burst into tears. James gaped at her for a moment before pulling her into his arms. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you." He said rubbing her back. Lily only sobbed louder.
James, deciding that Lily wouldn't want to be caught hysterically crying by anyone picked her up and walked through a door that pretended to be a part of the wall and hid a passage that would take them to the fifth floor, and the Head Students room. James placed his hand on the wall to open the passage up and walked slowly down the corridor, "Chocoballs." He said softy to the portrait of the founders, which swung open immediately. He sat down on the couch, Lily, still sobbing, on his lap. James, who didn't know what to do just kept rubbing her back and murmuring softly to her.
"I'm so sorry." She muttered after a while.
"You don't have to be sorry." James replied.
"I do." Lily said, her eyes tearing up again. "You've been so good to me and I've been nothing but a b-b-bitch to you. It's just that I, I dunno, one minute I think that I'm doing better, but the next everything just kind of swarms me."
"Lily, I understand." James said. Lily just looked at him blankly. "I do. I know that Emily wasn't my best mate, but she was my friend, someone I've known and gone to classes with and ate with for six years. And Mick was on the Quidditch team for the passed two years. And Merlin Lily, I saw as you and Dorcas went flying through the air, I saw Gideon fall too, I thought you were all dead Lil. And I stood there, faced Him, and thought that I was going to die too. So I do know what you're going through."
Lily rubbed her hand on James cheek, "I know, it's just…" She got up paced around the room, blew out a breath, "When people are around I just want to be alone, but when I'm alone all I want is to be around people."
"Well," James said, "I'm here whether or not you want me." Lily stared at him for a minute. "What?" He asked.
"How did I ever think that were a toerag?" She replied. "I don't know how I ever made it through a day without you."
James felt his face burn as he stood up, "You don't need me to get through the day, even tough ones. You never did. You're one of the strongest people I've ever known." He said as he rubbed her arms.
Lily smiled up at him through tear-filled eyes, "Maybe not," she murmured, "but you make it a hell of a lot easier."
Smiling James kissed her forehead, "Lily I have to ask you something."
"What?"
"Earlier when I talked to Sirius he said something about you taking a dreamless sleep draught to get through the night."
Lily sighed, "Sirius needs to learn to keep his big mouth shut." She muttered.
"Lily." James said reproachfully.
"Okay, yes, I've been taking the potion when I go to sleep. But, god, James I have nightmares every time I fall asleep without taking it. I can't function like that."
"Lily, you can't take it every night, it's not good for you, doesn't it act as a poison if you take too much too often?"
"Almost everything acts as a poison if you take it long term James."
"Including dreamless sleep draughts."
"Alright, yes, including dreamless sleep draughts. I'm only taking just enough to put me to sleep, not even the whole dose. And it's not as if I plan to take it forever."
"I can't lose you too." James said hoarsely.
"What?" Lily asked shocked.
"Lily I've already lost my dad and two of my friends in less than six months. I already thought that you were dead, but now that I know that you're okay, I can't lose you. You've become one of my best friends, and you're the love of my life."
"Oh." Lily said almost too softly to hear. "James, I love you so much. I don't want to lose you either."
"You helped me through my dad's death, you still are really. Why don't we help each other through this?"
"How? How do we get over this?"
"I don't think that we do. We learn to live with it, but we're never going to get over it, not really." James answered. "Will you stop taking the potion?"
"James, every time that I close my eyes I see that day, I imagine terrible things. I don't know how to block it out any other way."
"I don't know Lily, maybe the nightmares are a way of dealing with everything that's happened. Why don't we talk to Madam Pomfrey; she might know something to help."
"Okay." Lily replied.
James held out a hand and they climbed out of the portrait hole together, "We're going to get through this." He said when they reached the corridor.
Lily looked up at him, her heart gave a pleasant thump, "I know."
A/N: Hey guys sorry that it took me so long to update, I apparently suck at being able to tell when I'll be able to update next. Now, having said that I'll say that I'll put the next chapter up as soon as I can. I don't know how many of you have finished Deathly Hallows yet, but if you have, you know that this story is slightly AU now. I though about changing some things to make it fit, but I decided that I'll just go with what I had originally planned. Anyway, enjoy and review away. Oh, as a side note, how good was Deathly Hallows? I know there were a lot of people who were disappointed, but I loved it, I really think it's my favorite.