ix. Fears
Excerpts from the Diary of Neville Longbottom
2 Sept. 1997. Hermione comes to me, worried, asking whether the witches and wizards unable to leave their homes or offices will be starved. I reassure her that every wizarding building has at least one bottle of Never-Out Milk. (Told her the old joke about the man who spent half his fortune on a personalized, unbreakable, theft-proof bottle of Never-Out Firewhiskey, liked it so much he spent the other half on a second bottle.) She asks if this milk is vitamin-fortified, starts listing all the vitamins necessary for health, and now I'm the one who starts worrying. Then she says vitamin deficiency would only be a problem in the long run. Of course we don't know how long a run we're all in for. Not on the top of the list of things to worry about in any case.
9 Sept. 1997. Harry, Ron, Ginny all love the Quidditch Score business ("Hogwarts 10, Death Eaters 0"), Luna, Hermione and I a little less enthusiastic. What do we put up if we drive off another attack but some of us get killed? It would seem heartless to count that as still "zero." The youngest kids like it best, which I think counts as a point in our (L, Hr and me) favor.
13 Sept. 1997. 1st and 2nd years bearing up well. Lots of questions about how they can contribute, our official answer always is we'll see, we'll think about it, you have to trust us to make the decisions. Same speech our elders have been giving us since V's return. (I guess H, R & Hr have been hearing it since 1st year.)
14 Sept. 1997. Long nightmare about trying to gather youngsters into some secure hiding place, they keep giggling and running back out, all a game, you think they're tucked in and suddenly some secret passage opens itself up and away they go, there's a basilisk at the end of it... Luna shakes me awake. So grateful to have her there, makes me wonder about Harry. Ginny too. Two weeks into term, practically the only 15-and-olders sleeping solo. What would Grandmother say about that? She's OK. She's OK. She's OK.
19 Sept. 1997. We're all still miserable about Ernie. Some of the Gryffindors, especially, used to rag him for being the model student (didn't use those words, I'm not putting down the ones they used), looking guilty and sheepish at the service. Don't know what to think about Harry's getting his memories. Feel sorry for chewing him out now. Never thought that was a line that would appear in my diary, 'I feel sorry for being so hard on Harry Potter.' He'll survive being exposed to my wrath, I'm pretty sure. "Hogwarts 20, Death Eaters 0" goes up. Ron insists that not doing it would send the message that we were losing, or not winning, or not capable of taking casualties. Maybe.
28 Sept. 1997. Donald Williams, 1st-year Muggleborn (lot of Welsh students, I notice; land of Merlin, after all), tried to sneak out of the castle through the passage to Honeydukes, got caught. Said he wasn't trying to run away from the fight, he just wanted to call his parents or other relatives, find out what was happening. He'd heard of there being a shop, assumed they'd have a telephone. I try to explain about Hogsmeade, lack of Muggle technology, he's reluctant to believe me, suspects this is all some sort of huge joke we're playing on him, or some test. Very relieved when some of the other firsties stand up for me, 'Neville wouldn't do anything like that!'
2 Oct. 1997. Some of the younger students saw what happened to Ernie's body, got distraught. I called all of them together, didn't really know what to say: 'It didn't hurt, he was already dead' isn't right. 'You can't be afraid, that what they want' is so unfair, trying to bully kids into bravery. Not the sort of thing I could pull off, anyway. Only thing I could say was what a disgusting, low thing it was to do, and we were going to fight the ones who did it, and we would never do anything like that ourselves, we're better than them. (Hope to God I'm right.) They calmed down some.
13 Oct 1997. Harry asks if anybody knows about gay males getting ridiculed or intimidated here, and we're all surprised, say no, we hadn't heard anything about that, why? Seems Justin came to talk to Harry about this, about how hard it was sometimes to be openly gay, but how being closeted wasn't the answer, and Harry said no, is anybody making problems, do you want me to talk to the student body? Justin says no that won't be necessary, but will you think about what I said? which Harry agrees to, but now he still doesn't know what Justin wanted him to do? Ron says he can think of several things that Justin probably wanted him to do. Hermione says why make that assumption, it could have been a disinterested attempt to help, based on J's own experience, it didn't have to stem from personal attraction. At which point, Harry finally gets it. Doesn't seem offended, just puzzled why J thought that. Awkward moment; we all are thinking, well, Harry, maybe the reason he came to that conclusion is because you have all these girls offering themselves to you and you ignore them completely, except this one girl, happens to be in the room now, who's clearly devoted to you and you obviously feel very warmly about her but you're making a point of treating her like your sister in public, and why is that? But of course it's not our business to ask, and it's not his obligation (or hers) to answer. Or maybe, not my business or Luna's. Ron & Hermione probably know the whole story.
28 Oct 1997. Helped Donald, who's working with other first years on a chorus; after the ethnic music debate between Seamus and Dean, we thought we'd put together something for all nationalities, also give the youngsters a project. Donald naturally partial to the Welsh, his father sings in the Chepstow Male Chorus. Muggleborns very excited by wizarding methods of learning music, how it's possible to hum a few bars of something and have all the parts magically supplied. The wizard-raised kids seem impressed by depth and variety of Muggle music. Remember Dumbledore talking about it being a magic beyond all of us. Everything always seemed under control when Dumbledore was around, nothing rattled him. Harry says a lot of that was an act for our benefit. Don't want to believe that, but how can we doubt it now?
1 Nov 1997 Youngsters either unsure whether to believe weXX Harry got the better of Voldemort or eager to see the action, I agree to let them see my memories. Means they'll see me bound and helpless before I get off a word of the spell, but that's OK, nobody else made any impact either. On second thought, I think, maybe not such a good idea, having them see all the officers unable to do anything to protect them. Third thought: it's the truth, after all, they should have it. Youngsters love the transformation, even those who've seen animagi never saw one like this. ("Cool! wicked! awesome!)
Herm. says we need to let rest of wizarding world know what happened. According to Fred and George, rumor says V's planned response to previous defeats and loss of so many followers was to start drafting witches and wizards from the general population. 'Senior' Death Eaters -- the ones that were left -- would be the commanders, 'troops' would be the former shopkeepers of Hogsmeade and so forth. She says we could encourage defection and desertion, maybe even from the DE, by showing 'there's nothing irreversible about Voldemort's conquests, and he's certainly not getting Hogwarts.' Otherwise the draftees would think, no use in running, he'll come looking for us and find us when he's finished off all opposition. Basic questions: 1) what to say in limited space with limited ink and limited owls? and 2) how make it convincing? Still not resolved.
2 Nov 1997 On question 1), expected an argument over what to say about Ernie, Sarah, Terry, thought maybe Ron would suggest keeping casualties quiet for public morale reasons or to spare the families, but everybody agrees to be straightforward about it. Effect of the oath, not to let anybody be forgotten? As for 2), I unwittingly suggest the solution by lamenting "too bad we can't photograph pensieve memories." Luna points out that we can multiply them.
3 Nov 1997 Every owl in Hogwarts was off today, bearing a long parchment with as many protection spells as we could think of. Instructed to carry out general bombing of public places where no Death Eaters were patrolling. I've kept one copy folded in this diary.
Neville's is one of nine surviving copies of this broadsheet. In the middle, taking up the great majority of the sheet, are two photographs taken by Colin Creevey, one of 194 captured Death Eaters and the other of the 226 Hogwarts students (it takes about half a minute for each photo to complete its left-to-right panning), and a statement, "We mourn Ernie Macmillan, Sarah Murphy, and Terry Boot, who died bravely in defense of Hogwarts." At the bottom is another notice: "This bubble-seal contains a Pensieve memory of a badly wounded Voldemort retreating, to save his life, from the attack of Harry Potter in his Animagus form. Finite Incantatem will break the seal." At the top, in 36-point type, is the statement
We Are Winning
6 Nov 1997 Very high spirits in the Great Hall, many students hopeful the owls will somehow get through the barriers to their families, let them know they're OK. If they do they won't be able to get out, we don't think, not until V's entrapment spell is broken. But we know that, which means it won't break our hearts when time passes and we don't hear back from them. We're all free to compose their responses for ourselves.
9 Nov 1997 1st year choir performs a few pieces for the student body, including American song "Battle Hymn of the Republic." When they sing the line "let the hero born of woman crush the serpent with his heel," every head in the hall snaps towards Harry. Thought many times about what Harry said Dumbledore said about how it could have been me, but somehow seeing that scene, it really hit me in the face. Still shaking as I write this.
15 Nov 1997 Dementors. We're prepared.
16 Nov 1997 Great success with the 'dance', as everybody's calling it. Squads of six, three pairs, basically; 1st pair has prepared their Patronus thought, moves to the front, invokes the protector; meanwhile, 2nd pair turns brooms to face 3rd pair, who give warmth, encouragement, helping 2nd pair prepare theirs ; when 1st Patronus is exhausted, 1st pair flies down and under, goes to the back, 2nd pair turn round and take up front, casts their charm, while 3rd pair (now in middle) turns to face 1st pair, and so on. In our group Harry and Ginny start out 1st point, Ron and Hermione are 2nd, Luna and I 3rd. In this sequence, Luna and I are always giving support to Ron and Hermione, always getting it from Harry and Ginny. Holding hands across a broom hovering a hundred feet in the air, forehead to forehead, with girls who aren't Luna, Luna doing the same with boys who aren't me. (Hermione had wanted us to practice our embraces and words of bonding in advance, but Ginny rebelled against that idea.) After some time we switch sequences, and when we do it's like seeing our friends for the first time, we all break out into a kind of high, giggly 'How are you?' 'How are you?'
Harry and Ginny started by driving them so far back I didn't even feel the effects; all through the day, didn't even have a breakout of cold sweats. We found we could keep it up until all Dementors were thrown back out of sight. At the end of all this I feel like I have no strength to hold myself up, but I don't need any because I don't weigh anything anymore. Like I've been holding a high note and vibrated everything away. Don't know if I'm making sense. (I share this with Luna, who assures me I am.)
17 Nov 1997 Dementors did not return today. Must have been badly affected by yesterday's series of Patronus charms. We are going to win this.
20 Nov 1997 Dementors return. We push them back again, they still don't get anywhere close.
24 Nov 1997 Dementors return. We push them back again.
25 Nov 1997 The chorus Donald has put together now regularly serenades the returning squads. Definitely a Welsh selection bias. First thing we heard today was "Pantyfedwen," which I learned later was a song of praise to Jehovah and Jesus. The music itself was more the point; it seemed to be saying not so much "thank you" to these two deities, but more "we're J&J's men, so don't any of you other powers think you can get anything out of us." Good to come home to.
28 Nov 1997 Dementors return, we push them back. Harry is under the weather, less effective than previously, but we compensate fine. We're going to win this.
30 Nov 1997 We have to come up with a name for the chorus. Obvious suggestions, like "The Hogwarts First-Year Choir," rejected by singers as too lame. They want 'non-obvious', we give them non-obvious. Suggestions included "The Squeaking Pipsqueaks" "The Two-Sickle Ickles" "The Smarmies of the Forbidden Forest" etc. I persuade the youngsters this is a sign they've been accepted, that older students feel free to tease them, not patronizing them. I even half believe it myself.
2 Dec 1997 Dementors return, we push them back. Surprised to find it's now late in the day before we get rid of the last of them, used to be closer to mid-day. Days getting shorter, of course.
4 Dec 1997 Fred and George report Hogsmeade patrolled by fewer and fewer Death Eaters. Judging by voice, new ones are young, some are foreign. V not seen for about three weeks after Halloween, but now has shown himself. (Reports from bartenders or clerks who heard from low-ranking DE who heard from higher-ranking DE, etc.) No mention of what happened in Forbidden Forest, no explanation of his absence or his new right hand. We all expected it would be gold (since his servant Pettigrew's is silver), but it's like a "burned mummy's paw," says one. Tongue has grown partly back likewise, voice is a rasping gurgle. Speaks of plans now to widen the war, raze the cities of the Muggles and build a new pureblood civilization. Completely demented, but he still needs stopping, killing.
6 Dec 1997 Dementors return, we push them back. Heard Mum and Dad screaming. Held my ground.
Haven't talked to the others about what they hear, except Luna of course (her mother's death). Ron and Herm. say it isn't a good idea to exchange horrors, human mind too suggestible, will make us more fearful before we begin. Luna says aren't we running away from fear then, that can't be the right thing to do. Harry ends up saying it's up to each of us. He doesn't volunteer anything, though.
9 Dec 1997 Asked Luna if she ever thought about marriage. She says she thinks of it as 'artificial, unnecessary, way to force fidelity through legal, social, magical sanctions.' I nod and drop the subject. Chicken.
10 Dec 1997 Dementors return. We're now supported by the voices of the Ickle Chorus, spread by Sonorus across the distance. Drove them back.
12 Dec 1997 Harry dizzy and nauseous, unable to eat. Mad. Pom. can't find the problem, offers general balm, Herm. says it's just a Muggle 'smelling salt,' demands further tests, Harry says not necessary, he's fine now. Herm. glares and raises a finger, Harry holds out a palm, gives one nod and one shake of his head, Ron taps a finger, raises his eyebrows at Herm., she gives a brief nod. They should make a Gesturese-to-English dictionary for the rest of us, like Firenze's Asterish, so we can follow these 'conversations.'
14 Dec 1997 Dementors return. Takes until just after sunset now, despite support from home. I almost start panicking as sun goes down, thinking, in the dark we'll be more frightened, which will make us more vulnerable, which, etc. Ginny helps out: 'Keep dancing, keep dancing; you remember the ball, you were so debonair.' We both break up laughing, with dozens of soul-sucking dark creatures all around us.
18 Dec 1997 Takes until after sunset again. Mum and Dad, over and over, mum sobbing 'why won't you stop it, why won't you stop it'. Held my ground.
21 Dec 1997 Dementors return, only two days break this time. Shortest day of the year, only seven and a half hours daylight now, sunset just after 4PM, finally chased them off three hours after, felt like 1 AM by then, surprised when we come back that anybody is still up.
24 Dec 1997 Dementors return. When darkness starts to fall, we see Hogwarts begin to grow brighter and brighter, and hear song carried to us; students have worked on charming up thousands of lights, and the Ickles are singing "The First Nowell." Christmas Eve. I try to tell the first-years when I get back how much their singing meant to us, some of them burst into tears and I have to pat the shoulders and kiss the cheeks. What a spoiled bunch of kids, I start teasing them, such sensitive plants, when I was a first year I'd already learned to hold in my tears, I had Snape to practice on, then I start blubbering. We are going to win this.
25 Dec 1997 Harry asks Luna and me if we'd pose for a Christmas photo with him, Ginny, Ron, Hermione. Doesn't ask Colin to do the honors: he'll just hover the camera and use another charm to release the shutter. Ron and Herm. on his right, Ginny, me, Luna on his left. The countdown starts, 10, 9, 8, Luna and I put arms around each other shoulders, Ron and Herm. do same; 7, 6, 5, Harry gets a look of terror in his eyes and makes jerky movements with his left hand towards Ginny's right hand and back, like he's trying to catch a dangerous snake; 4, 3, 2, Ginny turns slightly in his direction, trying to time her hand movements to his; 1, Harry raises his left arm, rests his elbow on her right shoulder, leans his cheek into his palm, and tries to give a goofy grin. Ginny is left with her hand out, holding nothing. Shutter snaps. Moment of silence. Ginny looks at Harry, seems to wait a second or two for him to speak, but he just stutters and mumbles so Ginny turns and walks briskly out the door without looking back. Hermione and I avert our eyes from Harry and Ginny. Luna shakes her head in disappointment. Ron stares at his best friend with a look I don't need a translation for: there's nothing wrong with your mental condition that a good half-hour of arse-kicking won't cure. Dingthe picture comes out, photo-Ginny is in tears, slapping and punching photo-Harry, who just hangs his head down and takes it. Ron shoos everybody out but himself and Harry. Just as we're going I hear Harry groaning "I know, I'm a shithead, I know."
Four hours later: Harry finds us and begs us to come for another try at the Christmas photo. He apologizes to us for 'making you be there and watch that, see me be an ass and see a friend get hurt.' We follow him back, see Herm., Ron, Ginny, apparently satisfied. Ginny is looking over at three items on the table, presumably instant additional apology/Christmas gifts from Harry. Maybe Luna will find out from Ginny something of what Harry did and said to appease her, but I doubt it. Dead sure none of the four will choose to share it with me. Countdown again, this time Harry threads his left arm through Ginny's right. Photo is quite lovely, Harry shows us his collection of Christmas at Hogwarts, now all seven years: first five with Ron and Hermione, last two all six of us. I glance at the three gifts before Ginny takes them away: a book, The National Gallery: A Guide; a stack of imitation Muggle currency, and a box of Fred and George's cellophane. Muggle Christmas tradition, like that bizarre thing about leaping lords, milkmaids, and French chickens?
2 Jan 1998 Takes until 9 PM to drive them back. She laughs, asks Mum and Dad who they're asking to make it stop... Held my ground. First years still singing.
11 Jan 1998 Harry sick again, nausea worse this time, plus fever and shaking. Pomf. gives him dreamless sleep. Means our group, by far the strongest, can't go out. Ron says let's all stay in for a day, maybe effect of Dementors won't be felt too badly here since they're still outside the wards, we all agree. But by the end of the day we're all feeling it, some of the younger ones having bad attacks. We try to help each other, the anxious calming the hysterical.
12 Jan 1998 Lost Anne Fairleigh. Can't write.
13 Jan 1998 We were at full strength yesterday, though many said later they'd had a very rough night, nightmares. Me too -- Dementors flying towards Hogwarts carrying all the kids' parents & family on their backs, parents wave to the kids, they fly out to greet them and are Kissed. Everything just a half step off beat all day, Dementors gaining ground on one group, another comes to their aid, leaving 'their' Dementors unopposed, another group steps in to take up for the second, it's like another of those nightmares of rushing back and forth, finally catches up with Anne's group. Harry, who's the only one with a good night's rest, drives them off, but too late for Anne. We take her body back to the castle, still breathing steadily, eyes open, but Harry says he was hit with all her memories, just like the others.
We get back, other students see Anne and are distraught and frightened. The choir think they let us down, I assure, plead, insist they not think that way, we're all in this. Officers' discuss the dilemma: if we go out again tomorrow, under weight of the loss and missing one group, can we be successful? If we don't go out, Dementors will keep effecting us more and more until we're less and less able to beat them off when we do go out. We end up asking Pomf. for one night's Dreamless Sleep for all squad members, pretty much exhausting the supply, but otherwise we're trapped in a no-win cycle.
So, today we go out, and the first Patronuses from Harry and Ginny sweep away half the field. The day goes well, we drive them all off before sunset for the first time in a long while.
24 Jan 1998 Dementors return, takes until 8 PM to drive them back. Starting to have daymares or visions of future disasters, e.g. our turn to cast Patronus, I suddenly see the Dementors, just fifty meters away a second ago, are now in striking distance, reaching out for me. Shock, paralysis, but Luna shakes me out of it. By the time we cast, they are almost in striking distance. Held my ground after that.
28 Jan 1998 Harry very ill again. Still no answers. Swears he'll be on the broom when they come back tomorrow.
29 Jan 1998 Almost lost Harry. The fucking idiot was in no condition to dance. A four-chocolate attack. When he recovers, after we're all finished trying to bang sense into his head, he says there is something he finds familiar now about how the Dementors smell. Says he knows it sounds crazy. Luna says no, he's using "Jatayu's" memories, and recognizing the similarity to Voldemort whom he smelled with the bird's senses. Four skeptical looks, but nobody has a better explanation.
3 Feb 1998 Replacement for Anne Fairleigh still not really working out with the team. So hard for them to see her and not think of Anne, so hard to do the dance if they are thinking of Anne. Others pick up the slack, sort of.
11 Feb 1998 Dementors return. I'm being pounded on the back by everybody, all shouting Go Neville, you can do it, I look in the mirror and there's a lightning-bolt scar on my forehead, next moment I'm tossed into the room where Voldemort's waiting. Held my ground.
21 Feb 1998 Well after dark every night before we can come back. Everybody having dark visions now while on their brooms. By now most of us talk about them openly with each other. I tell mine about suddenly being told I'm the prophesied one and everybody tries to say, Well you could do it Neville. Only Luna sounds like she actually believes it. Of course she doesn't really know how to lie, sometimes I think she actually has trouble understanding the concept of lying. Harry reluctantly tells us his daymare: everbody has decided to take Voldemort up on his offer, they can all go free if they give Harry to him. We don't have to ask if "everybody" includes us, from the way he's looking at us, miserable and ashamed, it obviously does. Ron gets up shouting "the bastards," walks over to the window and looks out intently, like he wants to find the individual Dementor who told Harry that miserable lie so he can punch its bloody face in, and this makes Harry laugh, go over and put an arm around his best mate's shoulder while he's cursing the Dementors.
1 Mar 1998 We're falling victim to "reverberant doubt," Herm's phrase and explanation: we know we need to avoid fear, because if we do, the Dementors will get us, which is a terrifying thought; so we're afraid that we'll start feeling afraid, and if we push that thought back, then we start feeling afraid that next time we will start being afraid that we'll start feeling afraid. I start getting hysterical, it just suddenly seems hilarious that the fate of the wizarding world boils down to a bunch of teenaged wizards running around in circles trying to see if they can get away from their own heads. Harry tries to tell us something Bandhit said about techniques to break out of that circle.
4 Mar 1998 Harry worse than ever, Pomf. and Ginny have to do constant anti-fever charms, even then he's shaking so uncontrollably they're considering Stupefying him. Running low on potion. Ginny stays with him o'night.
5 Mar 1998 Late in second day before Harry recovers enough to sit up, still not strong enough to leave hospital wing until tomorrow.
8 Mar 1998 Hermione calls for an all-Hogwarts meeting, which always cheers us up because it means she's come up with another mad plan which couldn't possibly work but which will end up saving our lives. As always, Dean Thomas puts on his James Bond voice and asks 'What do you have for us today, Q?' It's a 'poison pill' for Dementors. Most of our Patronus are corporeal, and what's corporeal can -- with the right set of charms, some of which haven'tXXXX hadn't been invented --be slowed, shrunk, and frozen in place. Pensieve memories also come in a corporeal medium, and they can also, with the help of new charms, be stretched, solidified, and used as a containment film. (Harry, Ginny and Ron shout out 'Saran Wrap' together and go into hysterics. Say they'll explain later.) Put them together: a tempting 'worst memory' wrapping for the Dementor to go after, but there's a Patronus kick inside once they swallow the container. We go over details, looks crazily promising. I get a glance at Herm.'s notebook where she works these things out. There's a plan in there to convert the barricaded Floos into 'escape pods', like Muggle rockets that lift off, go up through the roof, fly us away if Hogwarts is taken over. I decide I'll take my chances with the Death Eaters.
11 Mar 1998 Hermione's mad plan will end up saving our lives!
We go out fishing on broomstick, toss out the bait and hover it, then retreat behind the wards to see what happens. I once went to a Muggle pond where there were people feeding a population of eels; dozens and dozens would come writhing together in one disgusting mass to fight over a piece of bread thrown down on the water, a piece not as big as one of their tails. The Dementors smell the memories of death, culled from all of us who saw what happened to Ernie, Sarah, Terry, especially Anne, and swarm towards the Patronus Pills and fight over them like those eels, then the 'winner' flies away with his catch and swallows it, leaving behind others to fight over other pieces of bait. Then its whole body comes to a halt in the air, a white light bursts out from the inside, the thing falls to the ground, gaping hole through its 'throat' and 'chest'.
Either the other Dementors don't notice this or they can't stop themselves. (Herm. thinks they don't really think, they just follow irresistible drives.) They go on swarming, feeding, flying away, exploding, falling, one after another, the whole student body laughing and screaming either from the air or from inside the castle, every bad 'eating' joke you can imagine. In half an hour they're all on the ground, not entirely motionless (sfawk they can't be 'killed'), but out of action. We're going to win this.
15 Mar 1998 We've used some of the time we have now to do some research into theories about what Dementors mutated from or how they were created, in case Luna's thought about Harry detecting a Dementor scent on Voldemort has something to it. Some re-occurring threads among all the legends and tales, like immersion in a cauldron with the Draught of Living Death with a vampire's fang added. Harry doesn't know what the ingredients in V's cauldron were, except the last three (bone flesh blood).
17 Mar 1998 Ron almost loses his first chess match at Hogwarts: to Ginny, which would have been too good. She gets a draw.
19 Mar 1998 Four of the Dementors have self-healed, are flying again. We make more of the Patronus Pills.
20 Mar 1998 We use the pills to 'explode' the four from yesterday and two more who came back today. We have fifty more, can go on making them indefinitely.
24 Mar 1998 Fred and George report Wizarding economy almost nonexistent. Furious efforts to press most able-bodied adults into the Dark army, result is whole populations up and leave to avoid being recruited, try to blend into Muggle areas. Dark army now carries out punitive raids on Muggle areas, but in course of that there are waves and waves of desertions. We're breaking them, but what kind of casualties, what will be left afterwards?
26 Mar 1998 Seven more risen Dementors. Put down six, the seventh did not take the bait this time.
3 Apr 1998 Nine more risen Dementors, put down seven, two did not take the bait.
5 Apr 1998 Harry collapses in the hall, taken to Hospital Wing unconscious but still in terrible spasms.
6 Apr 1998 Long, awful day, no time to write now.
7 Apr 1998. Yesterday we visited Harry in the Hospital Wing. He said he'd 'talked' to Voldemort while unconscious, and described V as gaunt, peeling, spasming along with Harry, screaming "You'll die first, Potter," over and over. He was certain it wasn't a dream or illusion. Harry was still feverish, shaking, while talking to us, and Pomfrey was looking grim. So Hermione suggested transforming; perhaps he wouldn't feel the illness in the Animagus form.
Harry gathered himself, and there was "Jatayu" again. He seemed OK for a moment and we thought, Hermione's done it again. Then came the spookiest thing I ever saw in my life. This huge bird with immense staring eyes looked down at Hermione, nodded its beak at her, and said "I will finish this now."
Before we can get our wits back he'd launched himself at the window and tried to punch a hole in the glass with his beak. The glass is magically reinforced to prevent any escape, same barriers as the Hogwarts intruder wards -- essentially impassable -- and the bird was getting more and more frantic, screeching, pecking, clawing. We tried Impedimenta and Incarcerous and Stupefy, all six of us, and it was like throwing Quaffles at a Horntail. He threw himself wildly against the glass again and again, and it was clear he'd kill himself if he kept up. Finally Ginny thought to do the counter-spell to the Animagus transformation and Harry collapsed, dizzy but conscious, and we got him back into the bed. Hermione was near hysterics and Ron wasn't far behind, but they had each other; Luna and I went over to Ginny, and got her to stop hyperventilating.
It took about five minutes for all us to regain power of speech. Harry said that when he transformed he couldn't think of anything but getting to Voldemort and killing him, that it was like he was starving and could smell the food just outside. Pomfrey meanwhile was in the corner, muttering something to two of the medi-portraits and they were nodding glumly. She told Derwent to stay where he was but asked the other portrait to trade places with Phineas Nigellus from the Headmaster's Office -- he being the likely expert on the dark magic aspect of things, she explained to us, which wasn't reassuring. Nigellus returned, there were more consultations, and Pomfrey told us the consensus.
Almost certainly, the illness was the result of his ingesting parts of Voldemort. Harry had been "magically selected" to destroy Voldemort, so he was endowed both with the capacity and the drive to do so; that accounted for the furious urge to hunt his enemy, and the pain which came upon him when not hunting, like a hunger pain which reminds us we have to eat. Voldemort's feeling the identical symptoms was because he had some of Harry in him: Harry's blood, taken three years earlier when he came back. That blood hadn't poisoned him before, but now that each wizard contained parts of the other, the magic connection was completed, and was poisoning both. (Hermione tried to give an analogy in terms of electricity and circuitry but it didn't help any of us, not even Harry.)
We heard "poison" so we all waited to hear about the antidote. There is no antidote, Pomfrey said. There is no treatment. Not for either of them. The only way out, the only way to break the connection, was--
Harry interrupted: "was for either to die at the hands of the other; for neither can live while the other survives." Pomfrey and the portraits agreed.
Nigellus said that this kind of magic took nine months to kill. So starting October 31, Harry would have until July 31 -- his 18th birthday. And Voldemort would die at the same time. "So then it will all be over," Harry said, and we were all saying that he couldn't just let go like that. I was stunned that Ginny was the exception. Harry looked at her for her opinion, and she said "you have to be the one who wants to live, Harry." He said he did want to, but: "For almost three years now, since the end of the fourth year, when I saw him come back and kill Cedric... it's like that nightmare where I'm crawling away from a fire, trying to get to an exit, I don't know if I can open or not, and there's a giant stepping on me every foot of the way." Long pause. Hermione says, "you've been feeling that way for three years and never said anything about it, does it feel any better to get it out?" "No." Ron: "OK, you don't feel better for having said it. Do you feel better if we do this?" He embraces Harry; H resists at first, then sinks into it. "Yeah. Yeah it does."
8 Apr 1998 Harry comes back to the dorm, Ginny comes with him and stays the night, though not into Harry's bed. No discussion about it from either of them.
9 Apr 1998 Twelve more Dementors have revived; we put nine back down, three don't take the bait.
12 Apr 1998 Harry and Ginny considerably more intimate with each other now in public, hands often on one another, though nothing that Grandmother would object to. She would object to my taking such an interest in other people's sex lives. Sorry, Grandmother, it's one of the few normal things I have to look at now.
15 Apr 1998 Count now is fourteen Dementors who don't respond to the Patronus Pill anymore. We push them back with little difficulty.
20 Apr 1998 Fourteen Dementors pushed back last week joined by six more who've also don't go after Patronus Pill. We push the twenty back with little difficulty.
21 Apr 1998 Harry has a bad day again, needs another overnight stay.
22 April 1998 Death Eater appears in the Great Hall during breakfast! Acts disoriented, is stunned by more than a dozen students before he can get off a spell. Interrogated: he came via Portkey, made by Voldemort. Mission was to kill Harry (who was still in bed). V promised a place in his inner circle, governorship of Hogsmeade, all the Muggle slaves he could use, if he succeeded. DE confirms that V is sometimes too sick to function. Portkey was actually set to take him to Gryffindor 7th-year dorm (location known; V has some Gryffindors working for him, after all) during the night. Herm. explains it took incredible magical power to make a portkey take him through the wards, but the more power, the less precision in place and time. Also probably drained V for a day or more -- but we can't be sure. He'll keep trying until one of them succeeds, or until he dies, whichever comes first. If we assume one per day, though, that's 100 tries he's got until July 31. Odds are that eventually, one will find the dorm at 3 AM; could be tonight/tomorrow. Ron says, round-the-clock guards. Harry starts arguing No, Ron just ignores him and writes out a request for volunteers, explaining the situation, puts his name on list first. Then G, Hr, me, Luna sign, while Harry goes on talking. Harry blows up at this: he isn't going to hire his friends as bodyguards. Ginny : Tough luck, because that's all we've got here at Hogwarts, your friends. Herm. reminds him the oath was not to leave anybody behind in danger. Harry gives on this, but, 'If you're all going to stay up while I sleep and sleep while I'm up, when will I ever see any of you?' Awkward pause. We assure him we'll work out a schedule, there won't be any lack of volunteers.
24 Apr 1998 2nd Portkeyed DE, lands in kitchens at 1 AM, plastered against the wall by Dobby. Almost gets hexed himself when he pops into the dorm, proudly deposits his prize at the foot of Harry's bed.
25 Apr 1998 3rd Portkeyed DE, Astronomy Tower, stupidest place you could possibly land that time of night if you want to go unnoticed. Active Dementors up to twenty, still no major challenge.
8 May 1998 12th Portkeyed DE, Gryffindor 5th-year girls dorm, quickly overpowered.
9 May 1998 Active Dementors up to twenty eight, a couple of hours' work.
17 May 1998 19th Portkeyed DE, closest call yet: came in near the landing, didn't try to break down the entrance door (wouldn't have worked, would have alerted guards inside the dorm as well as us six), stays outside and casts a bloody brilliant spell that gradually sucks the air out of the room, our guards start to nod off but Lisa Turpin sees the others falling and raises a ruckus. Everybody casts Enervate on everybody, DE tries to flee and hide, but we find him and bind him quickly.
22 May 1998 Harry finally out of Hospital Wing, three nights this time.
24 May 1998 Still no really heavy H/G action. Sorry, Diary.
26 May 1998 Active Dementors up to forty-four, we put on regular shifts. Harry able to take part. Drive them back by mid-day.
29 May 1998 Colin Creevey died today. Got told the story later, didn't see it because today was the day the five of us got to sleep in. Portkeyed DE lands in Great Hall at ten, probably off by a mile from target in both time and place but lucky bastard has Harry's back in his sights as Harry's getting up from late breakfast. Colin is the bodyguard covering Harry's back. Avada Kedavara is out before Colin's wand, all he can do is stand and block it. He does.
Harry is more broken up about this than any of the others we've lost. Getting all of Colin's memories from last year -- just horrible to think about it.
1 June 1998 Peter Pettigrew turned himself in. After we drove back the Dementors, we saw the balding man standing out in the open just outside the West-side (Quidditch-side) wards, holding up a white flag. Harry dove towards him -- we would never have been able to catch him, stop him from killing Pettigrew if he wanted to -- but he just swept him up in a magical net and kept flying into the castle with him, like he had with those three the first day we came here. Dragged him up the stairs to the Headmaster's Office, never said a word, five of us running behind him. His story: came here to try to repay his debt to Harry and redeem himself as far as possible. Didn't kill Harry when he had a chance, bec. after looking him in the face and "it would have been like doing it to James again." Luna asks him about the regeneration spell that brought back Voldemort: the cauldron's primary potion was the Draught of Living Death. To which was added a vampire's fang. He couldn't understand why Voldemort demanded it.
Our heads are swimming. If this is right, Harry has two ways now to vanquish the Dark Lord: in his Animagus form, or with a strong enough Patronus. Problem is finding him. He won't face Jatayu again willingly, is almost certainly under Fidelius.
We have to win this. News continues to come in of terrible massacres of Muggles, of former wizarding villages completely deserted. Just before I started writing this, before going to bed, Luna showed me what she's been reading: the Egyptian Book of the Dead, and told me about the "Negative Confession." After death, the soul was examined by the gods and had to be able to swear never committing a series of sins and crimes. Most of them seemed petty stuff. I wondered what I would want to be able to say for myself, what all of us here could say for ourselves, if we had to plead our case before the gods and ask their blessing. We can't exactly say 'we have all been sexually pure' or 'we never cheated on an exam' or dozens of other things that would probably be on the Egyptian list if it got updated. I think we can say: we have never caused pain for sport; we have never deprived others of their chance at life or happiness; we have not failed the people who put their trust in us.
We may be guilty of any number of misdemeanors, but I say, not of any of the true crimes: cruelty, oppression, betrayal. Let it be enough.
A/N: Thanks to all who are continuing to read this. In case I miss the deadline, here FWIW are my guesses about what The Deathly Hallows will show.
Likelihood that Snape will be shown to have been following Dumbledore's instructions all along, including the instruction to kill him: 95 .
Odds on the following characters dying:
Ron: 1-4
Neville: even money
Ginny: 2-1
Harry: 3-1
Luna: 5-1
Hermione: 10-1
Odds that I will actually finish this before Deathly Hallows hits the bookstores: 2-1 against.
Odds that if I do, anybody (including members of my family) will put Deathly Hallows aside to finish this version: 10100-1 against.
I'm going to also guess that in the real book seven, as in this version, the 'power of love' which allows Harry to prevail is going to have a rather dark slant to it: the power to vividly remember the death and suffering of those he loved, such as Dumbledore; and that this was part of Dumbledore's reason for forcing Harry to witness the Headmaster's execution.
Enjoy Book Seven!