September 7th 1892: Erik
How had I gotten myself into this situation? Why hadn´t I stopped Christine once the first signs of an unusual behaviour had been apparent? Now I could only stare at her and let her do what she wanted. A part of my mind was shouting at me to push her aside when she kissed me, but at the same time another part was too busy enjoying it to listen to reason.
It felt incredibly good. There was a certain underlying passion which hadn´t been there the last time we had kissed. She nudged my lips with her tongue, and I parted them readily. Her hands were roaming over my back, and her body pressed against mine in a very pleasant way. How could I stop something that wonderful? Moreover, I told myself that I deserved a bit of happiness. I had received so little of it in my life.
Yet then I looked into her eyes, and everything changed. Her pupils were large, much larger than usual. It was a very useful reminder. All this wasn´t real. I could delude myself by saying that she truly wanted this, but in fact she didn´t. She probably had no idea of what she was doing or what the consequences might be. I gave a soundless sigh, seized her by the shoulders and pushed her away gently.
I had intended to break the physical contact to her as soon as possible. It would have made things easier for both of us. But I hadn´t expected her to react that strongly. The moment I let go of her she tried to kiss me again. In the end I had to hold her at arm´s length to keep her away from me. "What´s wrong with you?", she asked, her breathing laboured from struggling to break free. "Why can´t we go on? I liked it so much…"
"No, you didn´t.", I said matter-of-factly. The time for the truth had come. "There wasn´t only water in the glass I gave you earlier.", I told her in a flat voice, looking at anything but her. "It was mixed with a liquid I´ve invented myself to make people calm down. You know, most sedatives have the disadvantage that they cause fast exhaustion and a general feeling of tiredness. But of course I didn´t want Philippe to fall asleep while we studied corpses. So I changed some of the ingredients, and it worked very well… at least for the boy. I also tried it myself a few days ago, and there haven´t been any problems. But with you… it has to be something in the female body that made you react that differently. I mean, it was supposed to make you calm and less sensitive towards the sight of the bodies in my study, but this change of your… erm, libido wasn´t planned. I swear it."
I glanced at her nervously. She had to understand it, she simply had to! "So there will be no more kissing?", she wanted to know in a small voice. I groaned, wondering how much of my explanation had actually found its way into her mind. "No, Christine.", I replied patiently. "No more kissing." Her bottom lip started trembling. "Why not?", she asked. "Didn´t you like it?"
Now I had the answer to my question: Christine hadn´t understood a word of what I had said. My little speech had probably vanished somewhere in the depths of her head and would only re-appear when she´d be able to think straight again. In the meantime I had to find a more suitable explanation. "Of course I liked it.", I answered, thinking that it was the biggest understatement I had ever uttered. "It´s just that… we´re not married. And only husband and wife are allowed to kiss." Inwardly I congratulated myself for this good idea. Maybe she´d at least remember the basic moral standards she had been taught since her childhood.
She nodded slowly; I could almost see her mind trying to draw connections to our present situation. "But I am married!", she suddenly called. "To Raoul!" "That´s right.", I said, glad that the liquid I had given her hadn´t also caused amnesia. It seemed that her normal thoughts had merely been pushed to the edges of her mind. If the person affected hadn´t been the woman I loved, I´d have been fascinated. Yet at the moment I was just feeling guilty.
"I want to go to him.", she decided, jumping up from my lap so quickly that I almost let go of her. At the last second I could hold her back by taking her hand. "That´s impossible.", I told her. "He´s… not home yet." In fact I had no idea where her husband was and couldn´t have cared less. All I knew was that I couldn´t simply let her leave in the state she was in. What if she forgot the ´husband and wife only´ rule on the way back and tried to kiss some person in the street? I had to keep her here till she behaved like a normal adult again. Frantically I searched for something harmless she could do.
My problem was solved when the door was opened and Philippe peered inside. "How much longer will I have stay in Maman´s old room?", he asked. "It´s so boring there." "Come in, come in!", I exclaimed with an encouraging nod. "Wouldn´t you like to show your Maman how well you can read already?" "Oh yes!" He entered the room quickly and sat down on the sofa. His mother greeted him with a loving smile and settled down again as well. I handed the boy a book with many stories and pictures and told him: "I´ve got some things to tidy up in my study. Just read to her till I´m back. And make sure that both of you drink enough!". Gesturing at a water jug and several glasses on the table I stood up and practically fled from the room. I couldn´t have endured her presence for another second.
It was not until I reached my study and closed the door behind me that I could breathe freely again. Christine in her innocence had no idea what a temptation she had been for me. I could still feel her on my lips and in my mouth. It had been so fantastic… and yet so wrong. Fortunately I had pulled myself together and kept her from going on. Even a few moments of perfect bliss were not desirable if the consequence was a lifetime of guilt. That was a price too high for me to pay.
Yet it wasn´t the past, but the future that troubled me most. What would Christine say once the effects had worn off? "Will she ever forgive me?", I muttered, making my way to the woman´s body automatically. Although her eyes were closed, I had the impression that she was watching me, judging me. "I guess you never had such problems with him.", I went on, pointing at the man. "You just married him and thought you´d be happy… and then you died, before the difficulties could start." Comparing to what I´d face soon it sounded like a good fate.
I shook my head, realising that I had actually been talking to a corpse. There were moments in which I questioned my own sanity. But then, who else should I have talked to? Since I didn´t know what to do in the remaining time till my guest would be sober enough to leave, I decided that I could as well begin the dissection of the coachman. We had finished studying his body, so we didn´t need him anymore.
When I turned away from the table and opened the cupboard containing all the equipment my gaze fell on a small bottle on the top shelf. Its dark blue contents could actually be the solution to my problem. Two or three drops of the sweetish liquid in a cup of tea would make Christine forget everything that had happened in the last hours. It would be so easy.
My fingers closed around the bottle, lifted it from the shelf… and put it back. I couldn´t do this to her. I couldn´t rob her of her memory without as much as a word of warning. Of course it would have been easier, but sometimes even I had to cope with the consequences of my actions. So instead of starting the dissection I sat down at my desk and wrote a letter.
By the time the final version was finished almost an hour had passed. I folded the sheet of paper carefully and put it into an envelope. With the letter in my hand I went back to the living room. The door wasn´t closed, and when I looked inside I saw Christine and her son sitting on the sofa, exactly as I had left them. Both seemed to be slightly exhausted. "I´ve read the whole book.", Philippe told me proudly. "That´s wonderful.", I said, giving him a faint smile.
Cautiously I glanced at his mother, but she was dozing with her eyes open. It was obvious that she didn´t feel like kissing anymore. "It´s time to go.", I announced. "Your coach surely is already waiting for you. I´ll take you to the surface." They nodded, and we left the house as soon as the boy had found his belongings. The way with the two tired persons was very long. If I had been able to do so, I´d have carried them.
"When will we start tomorrow?", the child asked eagerly when we reached the exit. "I don´t know.", I muttered uneasily. I handed my letter to Christine, who hadn´t said a word yet. "Read this once you´re home and think about it.", I told her urgently. "And then… you know where to find me." She nodded weakly and stuffed it into her handbag. I pulled open the door and saw the coach in the street. "Goodbye, Uncle Erik!", Philippe called, walking out of the opera at his mother´s hand. "Goodbye Philippe!", I whispered. "Farewell Christine…"