September 9th 1892: Christine
Within moments the room grew considerably colder. At least it seemed to be like that for me. Erik and Raoul stared at me. The intensity of their gaze made me shiver. I wrapped my arms around my body, trying to get a little warmth from the only person I could still rely on: myself. "Can I think about my answer for a few seconds or do you demand it right now?" I asked, surprised by the bitterness in my voice.
"Of course you can think about it," Raoul replied. "We just don´t want you to run away again," Erik added. Since when did they agree about something? Ten years ago I´d have been pleased to see that they were in the same room for more than a minute without trying to kill each other, but in this particular situation I´d have preferred them to argue. Then I´d have had a chance that one of them would eventually be on my side. Yet now they were like a high wall, keeping me from breaking free.
Suddenly feeling very weak again I turned around to go back to the bed. It was much worse than the physical weakness I had experienced before. This time I felt a mental weakness, caused by the complete lack of hope that my situation would improve. My legs were shaking more strongly than ever. However, before I had taken more than two steps, a cry behind me made me stop and turn around again. "Be careful, Christine! The glass!" the two men called. As I looked down I saw that indeed the carpet was littered with the tiny pieces of the water jug my husband had smashed. "What do you care about splinters?" I wanted to know. "As long as I don´t get them into my mouth and are unable to speak, everything´s fine. That´s all you´re interested in, isn´t it?"
They exchanged a worried glance, as if they were afraid I could suit the action to the words. Quickly Raoul fetched a chair from the corner of the room, asking: "Why don´t you sit down here?". I did what he told me, mainly because I had no desire to end up with a splinter in my foot. Yet taking a seat I realised how much my perspective had changed: Now the two men looked even taller than usual and rather imposing with the serious expressions on their faces. They didn´t seem to feel like sitting down themselves. Maybe they knew about the effect they had on me: The longer I gazed up at them, the more I felt like a criminal with two jailers.
The moments passed slowly while we did nothing but look at each other. The silence finally became too much for one of us. "Well?" Raoul muttered. "What are you waiting for?" I wanted to know, more sharply than I had intended. "I thought matters were settled between us. Why are you standing here, watching me? I´ll tell you: You want to heat me reject Erik, so that you can have your victory a second time."
"That´s not true," he said, although a slight flushing of his cheeks showed me I wasn´t that wrong after all. "Nothing´s settled between us. I still don´t even know what the two of you did together." I had to acknowledge that this was a rather good point. Perhaps I´d at least manage to clear Raoul´s mind of that suspicion. "We didn´t have an affair," I assured him. "Nothing happened… well, almost nothing…" My voice trailed off uncertainly, but I forced myself to return his glance. For the first time in many years I´d be completely honest. I owed these two men at least that much.
Erik cleared his throat, and for a split-second the horrible image of him making up a fantastic affair crept up in my mind. Yet when I looked over to him nervously, he gave me a reassuring smile. "We only kissed," he stated. "And you can believe me that if there had been more, I´d be delighted to inform you about it." My husband seemed to consider his words for a moment, then he nodded. "You see, Raoul?" I muttered. "I wouldn´t have become unfaithful to you because I love you so much."
"There has to be something between the two of you," he persisted. "You don´t kiss people who don´t mean anything to you… do you?" "No," I replied truthfully. "It´s rather complicated, though… Could you leave us alone for a while, Raoul? You´ve already got your part of the answer: I love you. The rest is… a private matter." He threw me a questioning glance, but a pleading smile made him leave the room, murmuring "I´ll be right outside.".
Now Erik and I were alone. Yet instead of being grateful he seized the handle of the door my husband had just closed behind himself. "I´ll go as well if you don´t mind," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "I already know what you´re going to tell me, and I also know I won´t like it. If it was something pleasant, you wouldn´t have sent the boy away." What kind of reply should I give him? He was right. Maybe letting him leave would have been better. But then, wouldn´t that be like running away, too? "You´ll stay here," I ordered. "You made it my task to say these things, so I´ll make it yours to listen to them." "All right," he muttered.
As he turned around again I was shocked to see that his whole face resembled a mask now. It was free from all emotions. Instinctively I knew he wouldn´t be able to maintain that façade of indifference for a long time. So I had to make it quick, for his dignity´s sake. "You mean a lot to me, Erik," I said gently. "You taught me so many wonderful things. You were there for me when no one else was…"
"But?" he asked, his lips barely moving. "But my feelings for you aren´t like those I have for Raoul," I admitted. "I did enjoy kissing you, though. It was… something different." He jumped as if I had hit him. "That´s all I was for you? A pleasant change from your routine?" he hissed. "Well, thank you very much!" Once more he grabbed the door handle. Quickly I stood up and rushed to him, not caring about splinters. Saving my relationship to Erik was far more important than my feet.
Placing my hand on top of his I muttered: "I didn´t mean it like that. Please, let me explain…". He nodded reluctantly. Being this close to him only made things harder for me. Still I didn´t pull my hand back, hoping that maybe the physical contact could comfort him a little. "I liked kissing you because I felt your love you me," I made a second attempt. "It was wonderful, and I… I guess I felt honoured because all that love was for me only. But I can´t return it. I already have a husband, and even though we sometimes argue, we´re happy. Perhaps… if circumstances had been different…"
"They´re not different," he said simply. "Spare me your speculations. Things are the way they are. You don´t love me. That´s all I need to know at the moment. Congratulations, Christine. You´ve finally made a decision." The thin smile he gave me was so sad that it cut into my heart. Squeezing his hand lightly I whispered: "I wish I could have told you something else. But that wouldn´t have been the truth. And you wanted to hear the truth, didn´t you?".
Erik merely nodded, moving his head just an inch up and down. Seeing the tears in his eyes I understood he couldn´t have talked without starting to cry. A certain tightness in my throat told me I´d do the same before long, but there was something I had to say first. "Of course you´ll stay Philippe´s teacher," I assured him, trying not to sound like an elderly lady offering sweets to a child who had grazed its knee. "Maybe Raoul will be opposed to it, but I won´t let him destroy your friendship to our son. Philippe loves you, Erik."
"I know…" he said in a barely audible whisper. "I just wished his mother would love me as well…" He turned away from me abruptly. Still I didn´t fail to notice the telltale shaking of his shoulders as he opened the door. This time I didn´t hold him back. I only asked: "Don´t you want me to kiss you goodbye?". "No," he replied. "I´d rather remember the kisses you gave me when I still thought there could be more between us." Then he left without a backward glance.
It seemed that Raoul had really waited in the corridor, for he entered the room just a moment later. "I told him that I don´t love him." I muttered in a flat voice. "Oh, that´s wonderful!" he exclaimed, a bright smile spreading across his handsome features. He wrapped his arms around me, yet before he could begin to spin me around he noticed I wasn´t smiling. On the contrary: There were large tears running down my face. "What´s the matter?" he asked. "Did he… do something to you? Or was it - ?" "No more questions, Raoul… please!" I pleaded. "Just hold me close, will you?" And that was what he did, while I wept and wept till the emptiness in my heart was filled with tears.
Author´s note: That must have been one of the most intense scenes I´ve ever written. Please don´t think I´ve made that decision easily. It was tough. By the way, the next chapter will be posted one or two days later than usual because I´ll be gone for the weekend. But there will be a next chapter. This is not the end, ladies and gentlemen!