I'm so glad so many of you enjoyed the first chapter of this! I wasn't totally sure about posting it, but it seems to have gone down really well! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and thanks to my two unsigned reviewers, Anonymous and life savers r yummy who I couldn't reply to through ffn.
I don't own these guys or the Smurfs, and worship "Princess Anastasia" (aka Specialist Schwarz, aka Skippy), author of "213 things…" Thanks to Anonymous for the suggestion for the last one in this chapter.
This one is Sam's POV
Edit 16/03/2006: #23 I should have credited to MajelB, authoress of the Photochick series. Being the happy little cabbage I am, I was going to look it up and then promptly forgot. So I'm giving credit now and hoping she doesn't take offence and smite me!
More Things SG teams are No Longer Allowed to Do
Major Samantha Carter tucked her motorbike helmet under her arm and sauntered over to the notice board. There had been another entry since she signed out the previous evening. It was just two words, in the handwriting of one of the scientists who, three days ago had been ecstatic at being allowed to go off world for the first time.
22. Rivers. Don't.
Frowning slightly, she resolved to ask Janet what had happened. The petite doctor always had the inside skinny on any happenings on base.
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She and Daniel were heading for the surface with a thermos of coffee and a scratch pad for a brainstorming session when they saw the next one. Almost as one, they winced. That had been why General Hammond had been heard shouting earlier.
23. Camera films must be developed ON BASE. I should not have had to say this, people.
"Ouch," Daniel murmured.
"You can say that again," Sam agreed. "Wonder who it was."
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The next two to appear both had their origins in the same incident. The sergeant of SG-8 had made the mistake of pulling a practical joke on their new linguist, and the linguist had retaliated for all to see. Which had led to the next two rules.
24. Revenge for practical jokes is not to occur off world.
That had been the CO of the team, exasperated at his sergeant's behaviour, not to mention the follow-up from the linguist.
25. Unless you are certain what the ritual entails, do not volunteer to participate. Woad is a very good natural dye, the main property of which is its indelibility.
Sergeant Matthews had a good couple of weeks of looking like a Smurf to look forward to.
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The next entry Sam saw, she knew the cause of. One of the Marines had taken a comic book with him, and had made the mistake of allowing the natives of the planet the team had been visiting to see it. The natives had promptly tried to burn SG-13 - unlucky for some - as heretics.
26. A list of banned books is now posted alongside the list of banned items and the list of banned uses of duct tape.
Janet had not been happy, so Sam had been in the fortunate position of hearing all about it.
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The next one puzzled her. It was the Colonel's writing, but she had no clue who it was referring to.
27. Perimeter checks are not just a good idea in potentially hostile territory. They are, in fact, regulation. Even if it is snowing.
At least three teams had been to planets where the gate was in a polar region, and not one of the teams would have ever neglected to do patrols. There must be some way to get gossip out of Jack. Maybe she could bribe Daniel to do it.
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Sam grinned as she read Daniel's revenge for all the times Jack had yelled at him for touching things without translating them thoroughly first.
28. If the linguist says don't touch, don't touch.
Jack had been lucky that Teal'c had body checked him away from the device, but it made guessing who had written the rebuttal far too easy, in Sam's opinion. It did, however, take the list onto its second sheet of paper.
28a. If your CO tells you not to touch, for the love of all that's holy, leave it alone. Don't I have enough grey hairs?
She left for the evening smiling to herself.
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Sam had been present when SG-10 brought back a very pretty little girl of about four from P9X-386. She was clinging to their linguist's hand and staring about her with huge brown eyes. Her arrival had prompted General Hammond to write the next rule.
29. Gambling is forbidden.
The girl was currently living with the self-same linguist and his wife and two sons, and they showed no sign of giving her up to anybody.
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The next three had shown up while SG-1 had been off world. The first was of indeterminate origin, someone obviously hot on anonymity - the line had been printed out and glued on.
30. The lyrics to Beatles songs are not to be sung in front of the natives. Especially those to "Yellow Submarine" and "I am the Walrus."
The second was definitely Captain Brooks of SG-11. Maybe she should hint to Jack that he should speak to Aysa about her knives….
31. Non-regulation weapons are to have plausible deniability.
The next one was Aysa's writing, quite probably the result of a conversation with one or both of SG-11's sergeants.
31a. Tommy guns are not possessed of plausible deniability.
Sam agreed wholeheartedly with that. It wouldn't have needed to be stated so explicitly anywhere else, but this was the SGC.
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Janet had added the next one, she had told Sam. One young Marine had thought it a good idea to spike a colleague's canteen before a mission.
32. Canteens are for water only.
Though the next one had, it seemed, been the result of discussions about the previous entry.
32a. Not all clear liquid is water.
And of course, someone had to try to bring unusual drinks back through the gate. They wouldn't be military if they didn't, she supposed.
32b. Mandatory canteen checks will be carried out before travelling through the gate in any direction unless the return trip is made under fire.
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She caught Jack writing the next one, a silly smirk on his face.
33. Home-made rounds are not permitted unless you have undergone the appropriate training courses.
"Don't ask," he told her. "Just… don't ask." And wandered off, whistling.
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The next one to appear was in the writing of one of the nurses.
34. Liquorice whips are not permitted on base at any time.
It related, according to Janet, fount of all knowledge, to the current craze for having running battles with mint imperials, and being able to cause some really good welts with a mere flick of the wrist if the right type of liquorice were used.
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34a. Or cherry bootlaces.
So the original rule hadn't stopped them, then. It would have been far simpler to ban mint imperials, but in certain departments they were practically currency.
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34b. Or custard powder, unless it is in the commissary.
Not touching that one with a ten-foot pole, Sam decided. She had seen De Lint and Hamilton with the super-soakers, had carefully turned around, and had walked the other way.
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Loranhad written another. He had been seconded to a team of Marines, who he had advised not to eat certain dishes. Being hungry marines, they had tried some of everything, leaving a very resigned young man explaining to General Hammond why four experienced officers were rolling around, clutching their bellies.
35. If you are unsure what something is, make polite excuses and DO NOT EAT IT.
He had also promptly requested never to be sent off world again.
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Oh, honestly, Sam thought, reading the next couple. Are they really that daft?
36. Do not accept herbal remedies while off world.
It went without saying. You did not accept drugs from strangers. Unless you had just eaten something toxic and the locals had the remedy. She exchanged a glance with Teal'c over the next one as well.
37. Flora is not to be brought back except as specimens in the appropriate containers.
That would be the pollen that had caused both Janet and Daniel to go into paroxysms of hay fever. The general had been none too pleased to have his CMO and the head of the civilian staff taken out by someone who had picked a pretty flower.
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Sniggering to herself, Sam took a pen with her as she left her lab. Checking that no-one was around, she made her own addition to the list.
38. Glass bottles are not to be taken off world.
Thankfully it had been a training mission, and thankfully no-one had been injured, but it had served Lieutenant Pierce right when he had opened his pack to discover that his bottle of posh mineral water had shattered, soaking his clothes and coating them in shards of glass.
He had gone on to order that it not appear on 'that wretched list', so here she was. Apparently having had a similar idea, Daniel emerged from the elevator and stood next to her. Then, careful it didn't smudge the black ink, he ran a shocking pink high-lighter over the rule so that no-one could miss it.
Wordlessly, they went their separate ways.
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Daniel had obviously not left the mountain last night. The next team had been scheduled to arrive back at 0430 hours, and if the next rule was a result of that, she might just have to get Janet involved.
39. If in doubt, do not point and laugh at the person in the funny hat. Funny hats often conceal tribal leaders and shamen.
Some days, it really didn't do to speculate.
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Hmmm… I'm not too sure about some of these. They might get altered slightly (or totally) at a later date. Let me know which you think could use improvement. I'm planning a Teal'c chapter and a Daniel chapter. If I get enough entries, it might be stretched to include General Hammond or Dr Fraiser too…