Gwah! Thank you guys so much! 42 reviews and over 1000 hits! Thanks too, to my unsigned reviewers, Deamon Fire (post the threats anyway! I have a younger brother to deal with!), Andi, the really anonymous person with no name, Alix - your one is 47! - and Angie Smigelski.
For those who commented on it, I meant Loran, not Narim. Narim is a Tollan, Loran was the kid they found in the Goa'uld "opium den" in "The Light" and while I'm not exactly sure what happened to him, I decided that he would probably have stayed at the SGC. I've corrected my goof...
Anyone who would like to use one of these little skits to launch a story from, please go ahead unless SG-11 are involved. (They are Brooks, Spades, Hamilton and De Lint, and they're my babies, who appear in my story arc that contains "How Boromir didn't Die" amongst other stories.)
I own nothing you recognise! (GW and X-Files appear here too)
Still More Things SG teams are No Longer Allowed to Do
Teal'c had been aware of the list since shortly after it had been posted. He had recognised one or two of the incidents which had prompted entries, but this one in General Hammond's writing puzzled him.
40. The red phone is not a toy.
The only red phone he was aware of was in General Hammond's office, which was often locked when the General was off base. He resolved to ask O'Neill about it later. It sounded to be the sort of thing O'Neill would be able to explain to him.
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Another entry. This one needed no explaining. It was in the handwriting of Major Paul Davis, and from what Teal'c could tell, referred to various Earth literature.
41. In reports, the SGC is to be referred to as Project Blue Book or Cheyenne Mountain, not "The Rabbit Hole", "Wonderland", "The Bomb Pit" or "The Ninth Circle of Hell".
He knew at least four people in the SGC who would use such language in report writing to annoy their superiors.
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He did not recognise the handwriting of the next one he saw, but agreed whole-heartedly.
42. Do not tease the MPs.
The MPs at the SGC seemed to work harder than anyone else. It was difficult to keep complete order in such stressful environments, and the officers assigned to the task should be supported in their role.
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Another puzzling phrase. Kindergarten was a place young persons new to school were put. It was a logical use of the phrase, surely.
43. Training sessions for new recruits to the SGC are not to be referred to as "kindergarten" or similar.
The 'or similar' did suggest that the person who had written this entry was wise to the way others stopped using a specific phrase but found others to substitute. If he had to guess, he would pin this one on Lieutenant Stacey, whose younger brother had just joined the SGC in one of these training groups.
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The list had been updated again by the time SG-1 returned to base from their week's downtime.
44. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. A girl's best friend is a rifle and a full clip.
From past experience, he knew that some of the cultures the SG teams encountered had views of women that were as archaic as their languages. Obviously, another one had surfaced. It seemed to be the type of incident that would go through the rumour mill as well.
Teal'c went to find out.
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He had heard about the new entry before he had seen it. Certain parties were not happy with it, Dr Fraser and Colonel O'Neill included.
45. Dr Fraser is to be referred to by her correct title, not "Napoleon" or any other dictator-related epithet.
The nickname gave O'Neill a relatively inoffensive thing to shout about when confined to the infirmary, and gave Dr Fraser an excuse to keep poking O'Neill with needles. Neither seemed to have a problem with the arrangement. He put it down to the new doctor who had - finally - replaced McKenzie.
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Major Carter had been making entries again, he noted.
46. Special Agent Mulder is a perfectly capable FBI agent, as long as he is somewhere else.
Teal'c had - very briefly and only in passing - been introduced to the man and his petite red haired partner as O'Neill took him to the video store in Colorado Springs. The FBI agents had both been polite, and upon hearing that he and O'Neill worked in 'Project Blue Book' had indicated that they wished to speak with them about it. O'Neill had merely walked away, and Teal'c had followed him, unsure of the etiquette in such situations. It seemed that 'somewhere else' had been achieved, however.
46a. The state of Nevada does not count as "somewhere else".
He was not entirely sure, but Teal'c believed that Area 51 was in Nevada.
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It appeared, Teal'c noted as he waited for Major Carter to return from collecting something from her car, that the anti-computer attitude was in no way limited to Colonel O'Neill.
47. The M.A.L.P. is your friend. It does not need "a swift kick in the CPU". A simple re-boot will suffice.
The writing was that of one of the scientists who sometimes assisted Major Carter, thought Teal'c was unsure of which.
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General Hammond's aide was putting the final touches to a new entry when Teal'c next passed the notice board. He flushed slightly when he noticed Teal'c scrutiny and hurried off.
48. Reports are not to start "Once upon a time".
Teal'c lifted an eyebrow. He happened to know who had used that particular opening for a report, but there were apparently more people on base who did it than Colonel O'Neill. It was a disturbing thought.
48a. Or "Early one morning".
Teal'c read down further.
48b. Stores have now received a standard report form with a suitable opening sentence. Repeat offenders will be issued these forms and their names made public.
He decided that he would have to keep checking to see if there were any names given out. It would let him know if his suspicions over the culprits were correct.
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The next two entries surprised him. Candy was already not allowed off world. Why would a separate entry be required.
49. Jelly babies are not to be taken off world, or made available to off world guests. Think about it, people.
He thought about the first time he had heard of the Tau'ri sweet, and decided that the writer of this rule had a point. It did sound disturbing to those who had not grown up with them. He did not see the point of the next entry, however.
50. Hurrying back from off world missions so that you can catch your favourite TV show is not permitted. Especially if you have been sent to carry out negotiations.
Teams were sent off word with a job to do. And SG-1 had taught him about video recorders, which should mean that hurrying back was unnecessary.
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Three days later, Teal'c found himself writing his own entry.
51. No-one goes off world unarmed. This includes civilians.
Luckily, it had not got that far. Teal'c had noticed their temporary civilian - Daniel Jackson was on loan to SG-4 - was not carrying her regulation sidearm, and had suggested she go collect it. She had been in the middle of her tirade about the overbearing military when Colonel O'Neill had poked his head out of the gate room to see what the hold-up was.
Teal'c had just been about to join Major Carter when General Hammond also came to see what was happening.
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That was just…disturbing. He would have attributed it to SG-11, but they were all off world at the moment. As well, the writing looked suspiciously like Feretti's.
52. Do not bite our allies.
He would have to speak with Dr Fraiser. She would know what had happened. The next part of the rule narrowed down the suspects.
52a. Do not get into prank wars with our allies.
But the final bit opened the field right back up again. Spades' friend Duo Maxwell respected neither rank nor physical threats, and could quite easily have dragged any team into one of his escapades.
52b. Even if Preventor Maxwell started it.
Teal'c headed back to his room. He had water bombs to prepare.
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Woo-ee, writing Teal'c is difficult. I'll be interested to know if anyone does want to come up with back-stories for any of these. Just to explain, my main story arc is a SG/GW crossover, but other series/fandoms crop up. The first story I've posted is actually quite a way into the arc, and crosses with LotR.