-1I know I promised to update yesterday, but I'd forgotten that my brother had invited me and my parents to dinner, so I was stuck eating pizza with no access to a computer. So here it is tonight. There's a wee few more notes at the bottom, but not many, because sleep is currently top of my priorities.
Anything you recognise, I don't own. Feel free to speculate on the antics of the SG teams (except SG-11, who're grounded.), and please let me know if you use any of the items as a launch pad for a fic!
Even More Things SG Teams are No Longer Allowed to Do
It had been entirely expected, the next entry on the list. Most of the researchers in the lab just down from Daniel's had, for the past couple of days, been showing up at his lab to beg coffee. After the first few times it happened, he had asked why, and had been more than a little surprised at the answer.
53. Do not switch the coffee to decaf.
He thought that would be the end of it, but hours later there were three new entries, one in Siler's writing and two from research assistants.
53a. Or half-caf
53b. Or any form of flavoured coffee.
53c. Or hot chocolate.
This bore looking into, and he had his suspicions about the culprit.
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Twenty minutes later, he had his answer.
53d. Look, I know who who's doing it, and if it doesn't stop, I will let Dr Fraser know. She is not happy about treating caffeine withdrawal.
It wasn't the end of the matter, however. After making sure the coffee machine in the lab had the "right sort" of coffee, and after it had once again been switched, he decided enough was enough.
53e. Janet, it was Jack.
That ought to do it.
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When Daniel arrived the next morning, Jack had made his own addition to the list. It took Daniel some time to stop laughing at the petulant comment.
54. The list is not to be used to get revenge.
"That wasn't revenge," he muttered to himself.
There was a snort behind him. "Oh no, Danny?"
Startled, Daniel spun to see Jack leaning on the wall by the guard post. He was grinning. "Umm. Hi?" Jack grinned wider. Oh great. Just what he needed. A black-ops trained colonel out for retribution. Wonderful. Don't let him see he's got you worried. "I'll be in my office, Jack. See you later?"
"Definitely."
For some reason, Daniel really didn't like the sound of that.
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He was afraid to ask what had caused the next entry.
55. Claymores are not toys.
He didn't recognise the writing, so he had no idea if it was civilian or military, but he really thought that they trained the personnel who were allowed off world better than that…
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The next one was from Janet, and he knew exactly which Marine had been responsible for the linguist currently in the ICU.
56. Do not use flash photography, especially around members of any priesthood.
But he had no idea who had made the next two entries. They were both in the same writing, so they had evidently been made at the same time.
56a. Or tell them your 'magic box' takes pictures.
56b. Do not get caught by members of a primitive culture using devices that record images or sound.
Both good ideas. Priests got cranky about these things. The whole "it'll catch my soul" bit seemed to be a sticking point.
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Whoops…
57. Zats are not a disciplinary device.
That was… Sergeant West, he thought. SG-17 had a somewhat trigger-happy captain, who didn't deal well with civilians. Or others it seemed, if the gossip about her zatting of the team's third military member had been true.
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Another entry worthy of a wince. Sam leaned over his shoulder as he was trying to figure out the writing.
58. "I wonder what this does," is not something your team want to hear.
58a. Nor is "Hey! Look what happens when I do this!"
"The colonel hasn't been near this recently, has he?" she asked.
Daniel shook his head. "Not that I know of. I think the first one is one of Feretti's lot, but they don't usually get techie stuff like we do."
Sam considered. "Yes. But last time they came back through the gate they all looked a little singed, and Feretti was smirking fit to bust."
"And there was 'just a big pile of rubble'?"
They eyed the list speculatively, then went to corner Feretti. Blackmail material was a good commodity.
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Newbies, Daniel decided. Gotta be newbies. After a couple of teams, including SG-1, had encountered problems, it had been decided that gender would be played down as much as possible off world.
59. If the natives believe you to be male because you are wearing trousers, allow them to continue to believe it.
Surprisingly, it worked very well. Even if the person was fairly obviously female, if the team didn't treat them any differently to the other members, it was usually accepted that the person in question's role was female. Now if only Dr. Selinger was allowed to publish his work…
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On his next trip off base, Daniel had found General Hammond writing on the list. He had returned the next morning to find that not only was there an entry on the list, large square of fabric had been tacked up next to the board.
60. The Alpha site does not need a flag. Especially not that one.
'That one', self-evidently was the flag pinned to the wall. He had to agree. The crossed staff-weapon and P90 were a nice touch, but the exploding Ha'tak was a bit much. It was certainly not a flag which could be used on Earth at the moment.
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Heading out for some fresh air a couple of hours later - he had been in Sam's lab when one of her experiments had decided it had behaved for long enough - he caught sight of an entry in red at the bottom of the list.
61. DO NOT ENCOURAGE THEM.
Printed in block capitals, it was impossible to guess the author. So, one of the more… excitable teams, with a CO at the end of his or her tether? No, that didn't really narrow it down either. He got the feeling that it should worry him that this could be applied to almost any team in the SGC.
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"What is it with sergeants and seeing everything as a challenge?" Jack asked as SG-1 headed out for a team night of beer, pizza and movies.
62. Do not quote Edward Lear. His Nonsense poetry is on the banned list. This is not a challenge to memorise it.
Sam and Daniel glanced at each other, then back at Teal'c.
"No idea, sir," Sam told him.
Daniel shrugged. "It's banned. They have the mental age of twelve year-olds. It's not too hard to figure out."
"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "Although, are you not being overly generous in your estimations, DanielJackson?"
Jack blinked at the trio, then pointedly looked at Teal'c and poked item 61.
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Jack's writing again. It seemed that he really didn't like people making fun of Thor and company.
63. Do not make "little green men" jokes in the presence of the Asgard.
Personally, Daniel thought that the Asgard may be a little amused to realise that they featured so largely in Earth's culture, even if it was as the "Roswell Greys".
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Sam had written the next one. Her run in with a small lizard - and it had been very pretty - had left her delirious for hours, and Janet had taken it upon herself to blame the rest of SG-1.
64. Respect the colourful fauna. Warning colours are very pretty.
Okay, so they probably shouldn't have laughed, but Sam's shriek of surprise as she put her hand down on something cold and moving had just been too funny.
What did Janet use, anyway? Square needles?
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Some wise advice had appeared by the time Daniel got back from his enforced weekend off. He wondered if they could get any of Jack's dirty tricks banned by the Geneva Convention.
65. If it looks like an altar and smells like an altar, chances are it is an altar.
Of course it is. Which reminded him…
65a. Do not ask questions during ceremonies. Priests like volunteers to be the sacrifice.
Thankfully it had not been fatal, but Major Lang would be very embarrassed for a very long time.
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What had SG-11 done this time?
66. "It was like that when I found it," is not a suitable excuse when writing a sit-rep.
Wait, no, he did know. He just wished he didn't. When would they learn that NID would eventually figure out what they - and some of the other teams - were up to? They couldn't keep hacking the database without someone noticing. And they were going to get Yuy in trouble with Colonel Une if they borrowed him every time he was on Earth.
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So that's Daniel's chapter. Some I took out to go in Janet's chapter because this one was getting too long. Thanks again to all my reviewers! Deamon Fire - What Teal'c does with the water bombs is up to him. He's bigger than me. William Dix - Thanks for 53, 64 and 65.