-1I'm really sorry about the delay! I was of the not well for about a week, and then I've been building furniture, which led to the sticky red fingerprints, which led to the cleaning with bleach…. Seriously, do you know exactly HOW MUCH your hands bleed if you get a couple of tiny little cuts on your knuckles?

Anyhow, I own nothing you recognise. Article 77 is Vathara inspired again, and 67, 68, 69, 70 and 71 are from Megan L. Without further ado….

Things Janet Really Wishes SG Teams Wouldn't Do…

"Relax," Janet heard a female voice say as she signed in at the desk just outside the lift, "it just means you're a base celebrity!"

She turned to see Dr Felger and his blonde lab assistant heading away from the notice board where the List was posted.

67. Do not encourage Dr. Felger.

Oh. Oh dear. That was Sam's handwriting. What on Earth had Felger done this time?

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After three teams had come in injured - one of them quite badly, having found a nest of Jaffa who really didn't want to rebel, thank you very much - Janet felt like a laugh. She didn't exactly get it, but she knew exactly who had written the entry.

68. In addition to the Karma Sutra, trashy romance novels and the Bhagavad-Gita are not suitable examples of Earth's culture.

Oh, wonderful. More books to ban Cassie from reading until she was at least twenty-five. And General Hammond wasn't happy either.

68a. The list is posted. These books are on it. This should not be happening, people.

Evidently he had recognised the writing too. Maybe she should look at testing eyesight and hearing for certain teams…

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She really didn't want to know what had caused the next one. It hadn't appeared in her infirmary, so she really, really hoped that it had been embarrassing, rather than painful.

69. If you don't know what it is or what it does, please leave it alone.

She didn't recognise the writing though. Had they had new recruits in recently?

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Yes. They had definitely had new recruits in again.

70. Claymores are labelled 'this end forward' for a reason.

Civilian ones, too, by the look of things. Better stock up on sutures. It looked like it was going to be a long few weeks…

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Oh, for…. Janet stamped off the thought that seemed to be channelling Jack O'Neill. Speculation would only lead to lack of sleep, and al she wanted to do right now was crash for twelve hours or so.

71. C-4 is not modelling clay and should be handled by military personnel only.

Maybe it was time to send Feretti and friends back to basic training. Really, they could behave just like new recruits when they put their minds to it. Worse, in fact, because new recruits at the SGC behaved impeccably mainly out of sheer terror.

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Well, that was certainly an odd one. Lieutenant Wilson was on an all male team, and they hadn't deployed with any extra personnel, or been on joint operations with any other teams recently.

72. Make-up is not permitted off world.

This would stand looking into. SG-6 were due for physicals in the next couple of days. She could ask them then. Smiling in a manner which caused the young airman waiting for the lift to decide taking the stairs was a good option, she headed for the infirmary.

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Lieutenant Weston, part of the science department under Major Carter had been on the receiving end of a rather nasty practical joke on his first trip off world.

73. Deep Heat ™ is not a toy.

Luckily, knowing her patients as she did, Janet kept plenty of soluble paracetamol on hand.

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It looked like the civilians were feeling put-upon again.

74. Be nice to your scientists and linguists. Grunts are a dime a dozen. Specialists are hard to find.

It wasn't Daniel's writing, and she knew he had been buried in his lab for the past few hours, so she headed off to give him official warning of potential retribution.

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An hour and a half later, she was back with an entry of her own. In thick red pen, which carried the list over onto the third sheet.

75. Personal stereos are not permitted.

That was the third person she had patched up because of injuries caused when they hadn't heard a shouted warning like "edge" or in the previous - and slightly more serious - case, "Jaffa!" and she had decided that enough was enough.

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Janet recognised the next writing immediately as Sergeant Siler's.

76. Do not send new personnel for "a bag of nail holes" or "a long stand".

She was with him on that one. Giving the new technicians silly requests was just unkind. If the same sort of requests were given to her nurses, she would do a sight more than make an entry on the list.

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Why did the researchers get so uptight about these things?

77. The database of known Goa'uld is not to be referred to as "Goa'uldgle".

It was quite an imaginative name, especially considering some of the suggestions that had been put forward.

77a. Or "The Hit List".

Like that one.

77b. Or "The Galaxy's Most Wanted".

Or that one. Surely the Goa'uld were anything but wanted. With a quiet smile, she pulled out a pen and wrote a small, pre-emptive entry of her own.

77c. Or "The In-Laws".

Satisfied, she headed for the surface, looking forward to attending Cassie's recital.

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Looked like Jack had been up to his old tricks…

78. Do not taunt rogue NID agents.

Daniel's writing, closely followed by Sam's.

78a. Even if they started it.

And then Teal'c had joined in.

78b. Nor if you were pre-empting them starting it.

She glanced across at the former First Prime, who was just about to head back to the lift. "Does he ever take notice when people tell him not to do something?" she asked.

Teal'c lifted a brow. "Indeed not. He has exhibited a tendency to attempt to pursue courses of action which have been forbidden to him."

Janet snorted in a most unrefined manner. "Maybe you should have put that all SGC personnel are to taunt the NID at all possible opportunities…" she muttered.

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General Hammond's aide was evidently getting flack from the people who held the purse strings at the Pentagon.

79. Paper cuts from writing reports do not count as combat injuries and do not qualify for hazard pay.

But yes, there were a number of whiny 'tough-guys' who would do well to heed the rule. It was, quite frankly, amazing how they could get shot up while off-world and reply "I'm fine" every time someone asked if they were okay, up to the point they collapsed, but would whinge like small children over the smallest paper cut.

Maybe she could persuade the General to let her publish a study on it.

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Janet scowled as she made another entry in the list. With the sudden upswing in 'original' weapons being taken off world, she would have to talk to the General about exactly what was allowed.

80. Nail-guns are not permitted off world.

DIY tools were definitely no-nos. Especially in the hands of SG-14.

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Janet was just about to leave for the evening - she had managed to get time off all over Christmas this year, when she noticed that there had been another entry on the List.

81. The Gate is not to be decorated for Christmas

Fair enough. It ate lights and tinsel like they were going out of fashion. But…

81a. Or Chanukah.

How did you decorate a Stargate for Chanukah?

81b. Or the Emperor of Japan's birthday.

Okay, now they were just getting silly.

81c. Or The Scandinavian Festival of Lights.

Really , really silly. Was there a full moon due?

81d. Anyone caught looking up festival days on the base system will be severely reprimanded.

Ah. She didn't think that would stop them for long, but she sincerely hoped that it would put a kybosh on things until the New Year at least.

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That's it for Janet. General Hammond is up next. His chapter will have a little less by way of "Things not to do" and a little more by way of general snarks (or should that be General Snarks?) at why the list really shouldn't be nearly 100 items long, and how to deal with the little darlings.