Remus paced in front of the Snape quarters, too worried to go in. He didn't understand what was going on and it was setting him on edge. He definitely recognized Lily's scent in Tallis but he couldn't smell James at all, which meant that it wasn't Harry. But he knew, for a fact, that Lily had only ever had one child. For Merlin's sake, he had been present at Harry's birth! The story simply didn't add up.
He finally gathered his courage and knocked on the door. He needed to solve this mystery. Much to his chagrin the door was opened by Severus Snape. He had rather hoped that his meeting would be alone with Lily's mystery baby. Severus ushered him into the rooms and hastily set up complex silencing charms and impenetrable barriers around the entire room. They couldn't risk anyone spying on this conversation. Tallis smiled hesitantly at Remus, the last tie he had to his mum and James, but he did not move forward to greet the man.
"I'm sure that you are very confused right now."
"I keep adding 2 and 2 and coming up with 5. I don't understand. I know that Lily Potter was your mother—"
He was cut off by Severus who took offense at Lily's married name. He was still irritated that James Potter had married his girlfriend and gotten to see his baby's birth. "Lily Evans was his mother."
Tallis decided to intervene before a fight broke out. He knew that his Father and Remus could both be incredibly immature. "Perhaps it would be easiest if you saw a few memories. The first one is a memory that Albus Dumbledore shared with us not too long ago as well as the events following. It may…shock you but I think it might actually be the easiest way. Some of the things that have happened are simply unbelievable and it may help you to see it rather than hear the story."
"What exactly is it about?"
"It is a memory that the Headmaster shared with Tallis and I of a meeting with Lily Evans before she graduated. It was actually from a day or so before she announced her engagement to James Potter." Remus nodded at Severus' explanation although he was confused as to why Severus was involved in what was no doubt a very private memory of Lily.
"Would you like us to go with you or would you prefer to go on your own?" Tallis asked, well remembering how terrible it had been when he had first seen it and he at least had his father with him, although he had taken little comfort in his presence during the actual memory.
Remus shook his head. "I'll be fine on my own."
"If you change your mind simply end the memory and one of us will go with you to see it again." Remus nodded and lightly touched the silvery substance, instantly sucked in to another world. Severus and Tallis exchanged nervous looks. Much rested on how Remus reacted to this news. If he had a bad reaction he could always obliviate Remus and send him packing but Severus knew that doing such a thing would hurt Tallis immeasurably. He both loved and feared the werewolf, wanting to be close to him but scared to do anything that might make himself vulnerable.
The two Snapes sat in silence as they waited for Remus to reemerge. The memory was long: they had included everything from arriving at the Headmaster's office, to seeing the memory, and then their reaction and departure from the office—including the removal of the charm. It was an incredible amount of information but they weren't sure how else to do it. They felt that actually seeing Harry Potter have the charm removed revealing his current appearance as Tallis Snape might help Remus to accept everything. At least they had prepared Remus somewhat for the truth and he knew that if he needed support that Tallis and Severus were there.
Remus finally emerged from the memory clearly shaken. "Harry?" he whispered, tears streaming down his face. Tallis simply nodded at him. Remus pulled him into a tight hug, running his hand down his slim back and setting Tallis' already stretched nerves on end. Tallis pushed away like a wild thing and moved away as quickly as possibly, pressing his back firmly against the wall, breathing heavily. His eyes scanned the room nervously, darting from one dark corner to another, trying to find an escape route to get away from the two men. He was too far gone to even take comfort in his father, whose presence usually calmed him down.
Remus and Severus had stood when Tallis started to panic and both were unknowingly blocking the only doors to the room. Tallis slowly slid down the wall and huddled into a tiny ball, making himself as small as possible. His shoulders shuddered with repressed sobs and his terror hung thick in the air.
Remus looked confused but he remained silent at Severus' quick gesture. Severus started to speak softly, following the instructions he had received months ago. "Tallis, Tallis?" Tallis looked up hesitantly with bewildered eyes. Severus was relieved that Tallis remembered his new name. It was entirely possible that he would have forgotten it. "Do you know where you are?" Severus asked gently. Ron and Hermione had long ago told him how to best deal with these flashbacks but this was the first time that he had to actually talk his son back to reality. He first needed to make certain that Tallis was merely confused and not in a full-fledged flashback. If he didn't know where he was then it was just the confusion. If he did know, or rather, thought he knew that he was at the Dursley residence, then Severus needed to take far more precautions to figure out exactly what type of flashback it was that his son was experiencing and then work to end it without harming himself or his son.
He repeated the question when it looked as if Tallis wasn't answering. "Do you know where you are?" He was careful to maintain a calm and smooth voice, not wanting to upset him more.
Tallis looked up at Severus, bright green eyes sparkling with tears. He slowly shook his head but then looked scared as he awaited what seemed to him to be certain punishment for not knowing the correct answer. Severus sank to his knees but remained where he was, about ten feet away from Tallis. Remus remained standing, still in shock. "That's all right, sometimes it can be hard to remember" Severus said softly, trying to keep him calm. The scariest thing about these episodes was that Tallis had the fears of an abused child but the magical strength of Merlin himself. If he got too scared then all hell would break loose—literally.
"You're at Hogwarts. Do you remember Hogwarts?" Tallis' head cocked at the strange sounding word, clearly remembering something but not yet able to make all of the connections. "Hogwarts is a school for special students. You're safe here. There are lots of other students here: students just like you. Do you remember who I am?"
Tallis' eyes had strayed to Remus' tall figure and he was taken by panic again. His breath drew short as began to hyperventilate. "Focus on me, Tallis. Look just at me. Just over here. Ignore everything else. Just look at me," Severus said as urgently as he dared. Tallis finally heard his father's deep, silky voice and looked at him again, trying to block out the other images that ran through his head. "Do you remember who I am?" Severus repeated, hoping to bring his son back to reality.
Tallis looked relieved for a moment at this question but then the confusion settled in again. "You're my father?" He asked it as a question, clearly remembering two completely conflicting things. He both remembered that he was an orphan and remembered that he had a father and was unable to reconcile the contradictory memories.
Severus smiled reassuringly. "Yes, that's right. How about we change your clothes and get you tucked into bed?" Panic flashed on Tallis' face as he had an internal war with his vying memories. He couldn't remember whether fathers hurt their sons or helped them. Tears ran down his cheeks as he struggled to understand everything. Nothing made sense anymore. He just wanted it to make sense.
Severus cursed himself as he realized his mistake. Hermione had told him that she offered to help him to bed but that Tallis might panic if a man did. No male had ever tried that with him. Bill and Ron had always been too scared to do so. He should have known better than to make such a stupid mistake. He just hoped he could fix this before a full panic attack started—before his son lost his already tenuous hold on his magic.
Severus fought to keep his voice calm as he grew more nervous. Merlin, he had fucked up. "It's alright, Tallis. You don't need to change if you're comfortable. Sometimes its better to sleep in your clothes, isn't it?" Tallis nodded hesitantly, eyes still brimming with tears. "I like doing that too, sometimes. Do you remember where your bedroom is?" Tallis shook his head, tears slipping down his cheeks and into his long hair. He was just so confused. He needed help but he was too scared to ask for it. He didn't know whom he could trust. "It is right at the end of the hall. If you need me to help you then you can just call out to me and I'll come." Severus slowly stood and walked to the other side of the room, leaving the path to the hallway clear for his son. Tallis watched him warily as he slowly stood up and backed down the hallway, keeping the two men in sight at all times. He slipped into the darkness and Severus closed his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart and to swallow back the tears.
"What just happened?" Remus asked, clearly completely overwhelmed by everything that had happened.
Severus slowly turned to Remus, feeling incredibly old and worn out all of a sudden. "Do you know of my son's past with the muggles?"
Remus nodded. "Yes. They abused him, didn't they? When I first met him I could smell fresh blood. I convinced myself it wasn't true but when I saw that memory in the pensieve…"
Severus laughed bitterly. "Abuse was the least of it. The uncle raped him." Remus couldn't stifle his horrified gasp. Severus was silent for a moment as he realized how easily he had spilled such a carefully kept secret of his son's. He contemplated obliviating the werewolf but decided that he may as well continue. If any adult had a right to know then it would be this man: this self-proclaimed godfather of his son. Since Black had died Lupin had decided to take over the title. He decided to give the man a few basic facts but nothing more. If he wanted more information then he would have to gain Tallis' trust first. "He had done since Tallis was very, very young. Tallis has a phobia of touch and finds men incredibly threatening. Add to that the fact that you are in a father figure position much as his uncle was and his fear of you is even worse."
"But you're his father and you managed to calm him down" Remus pointed out reasonably.
"Precisely. A Father. A dream-figure who has haunted his fantasies since he was a toddler; someone who would take him away from the pain and humiliation and keep him safe from men such as his uncle…men who claim a parental role while acting as anything but a parent. In his mind I am completely different from an uncle or an older male friend."
Remus nodded, still in shock. "This was why when Dumbledore told you the truth he reacted so…so…" he faded away, trying to find the right words.
"Yes. I didn't understand his horror and disgust of Dumbledore at the time either. I learned a bit of the truth soon after and am still trying to put everything together to understand what that he went through with them." He paused for a moment, weighing his words carefully. "There are times that I no longer want to know everything; that I simply want to stop hearing more nightmarish details. It helps him though, to speak of it at times."
"But what just happened now? Why did he start acting like that?" Remus was still in too much shock to be able to put the pieces together himself.
Severus sighed. "Occasionally something sparks a flashback of sorts. Sometimes it is a full-blown flashback and sometimes it is more of what you saw here, complete disorientation and loss of self. He cannot differentiate between his memories and what is happening currently to know what is really going on and how old he is. He has no idea where or when he is."
Remus sat completely still in his chair, trying to understand everything. "Merlin, how had I ever missed all of that? I'm a terrible friend, aren't I? I betrayed James and Lily through this, through not knowing what was going on…through not helping," he whispered.
"No one knew. The Weasleys did what the could to help him as did Poppy."
"They knew? They knew and they didn't do anything?" Remus was growing hysterical.
"Calm yourself Lupin. They couldn't do anything. Dumbledore used a dark spell on them to silence them. They did what they could while staying within the restrictions."
"No wonder Harry was so eager to set aside his old life. No wonder he wanted to be your son so desperately." Remus buried his head in his hands. He was clearly in shock.
Severus felt a growing sense of irritation as the werewolf implied that the only reason Tallis wanted to be his son was because of how completely worthless the muggles were but he stamped down on his angry retort before he could say anything. Tallis would want him to be polite and he knew that Lupin was simply in shock and not entirely aware of what he was saying. He himself had experienced far worse shock. He could hardly blame the werewolf for a few poorly chosen words.
He did anyway. He was fully aware that he was holding Lupin to a different standard than he held himself but he couldn't bring himself to care. His own nerves were too shot to baby the werewolf. And frankly, Lupin had just heard the bare basics, not even the tip of what had really happened to his son. "Pull yourself together, damn it. You aren't going to do him any good sniveling there about what a failure you are. You wanted to be his godfather. Damn it, start being one."
Remus sat up a bit straighter in his seat, shocked into compliance. Severus was entirely correct. As much as he wanted to have a good cry about how he was a failure he had more important things to do right now. He could put that off until later, until he was alone in his rooms where he could cry all he wanted to. Right now, he needed to focus on his godson. "Tell me what I need to know. Help me, please" he pleaded quietly. "I've lost them…all of them. I can't lose him too."
"You need to be careful around him," Severus said slowly, trying to figure out the most important things that Lupin needed to know—the things that wouldn't betray his son's trust too much more than he had already done. "Do not ever touch him without him first initiating contact. That is what set him off today." Remus looked down at his hands with shock and regret, clearly pained at the idea that he had harmed Tallis so badly without even meaning to. Severus felt a twinge of pity for the man and decided to elaborate. "It was not entirely you Lupin, you were merely the catalyst. He has been stretched to the breaking point since he arrived. He cannot handle the amount of people that are constantly around him, brushing against him, watching him closely. Add to that the fact that he was already battling with his fear of you as a man and his desire to do what would make Lily proud and still befriend you. Frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner."
Bill walked into the rooms suddenly, having been given the password on Tallis' first day back. Severus and Remus looked up, surprised. "What's going on? Does Remus know now?"
"Yes," Severus said quietly. "Tallis had an episode."
"Flashback or confusion?" Bill was immediately business, wanting to know exactly what was going on with his lover. He himself had witnessed many such episodes and he knew that they were exhausting and terrifying for everyone involved. He hoped Severus had handled it well. He had evidently been here by himself for it. He couldn't imagine having had to deal with such a thing for the first time all alone. He at least had Ron there to help talk him through it when he had seen it for the first time. The first time he saw Tallis get confused like that was when he had tried to kiss him after a shower while Tallis was still only wrapped in a towel. He hadn't tried it since.
"Confusion. He's gone to bed. I'm not certain you should go in there until morning."
"Of course. I'll go visit Ron and Ginny and then come back later and sleep on the couch, if that's ok."
"Yes, yes of course, " Severus assured him. Remus looked fascinated by this new side of Severus that was actually friendly with Bill Weasley but he had the presence of mind to keep his fascination to himself, for now.
"I should probably go. May I come by in the morning to apologize to Har…Tallis?" Remus asked hesitantly.
"You'd better not" Bill said gently. "He prefers not to mention these episodes much and you'll just embarrass him." Remus looked devastated. "Don't worry. He is working hard to get over his fear of you…which I hope you know has nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with the role you were unceremoniously thrust into simply by being friends with Lily and James." Remus brightened slightly at this but he still looked incredibly disturbed. He had been worried that Tallis' fear of him was connected to his lycnathropy.
"I believe I should leave. Thank you for everything, Severus, Bill." Remus shuffled slowly from the room and shut the door behind him.
"Well, I guess I'll head off to the Tower for a bit. I'll come back around curfew, unless you need me sooner. Would you like for me to stay?"
"No, that will be fine. It is probably best to limit the amount of people in here for a while in case Tallis wakes up." Bill nodded and stood to go. He placed his hand briefly on Severus' shoulder, offering silent support. He didn't linger and quickly slipped from the room as well to head up to visit with his siblings.
Severus stood up wearily and made his way down the hall to look in on his son. He opened his Tallis' door and saw the empty bed. He panicked briefly but then started opening the doors to the rooms nearby, remembering the last time he hadn't been able to find his son. He wasn't in the bathroom or their office. He finally turned to his own room and opened the door, finding Tallis curled up on his bed, fast asleep. Clearly in his confusion he had forgotten where he slept and had simply followed his father's directions to go to the room "down the hall."
Severus smiled at the small boy and resisted the urge to touch his hair as he usually did. He was scared to wake Tallis up after everything that had happened. Instead, he settled himself down into one of the chairs near the fireplace and watched over his son, scared to close his eyes even for a second.
SDSDSDSDSDSDSD
At around six in the morning Tallis finally stirred, blinking his eyes blearily. His father immediately sat up straight in his chair. "How are you feeling?"
Tallis looked around himself cautiously. "Alright." He lay there in silence, studying his surroundings. He had seen his Father's room before of course but certainly never slept in it. He finally blurted out his question. "Why am I sleeping in your room?" He sounded completely bewildered, at a complete loss to explain his current surroundings.
"You got a bit confused last night. I told you to go to sleep and you ended up in here. I didn't want to move you."
Tallis nodded, taking it in. He knew what his father was talking about. Merlin, he had hoped he was over those episodes. His father clearly hadn't run screaming though so that was at least good. He had been worried about what his Father would do when he finally saw something like that…learned how messed up he really was. He had been convinced that his Father wouldn't want him anymore. He must have been wrong though because his Father didn't even seem angry with him, much less ready to give him back to the Dursleys. "You could have slept in my room at least. You couldn't have been comfortable in that chair."
"It was fine. I preferred it here," Severus said, choosing not to elaborate on his real reasons. Tallis well knew though that his father had preferred staying in the chair to watch him sleep rather than find comfort in another room. While part of him thought the man was insane, the larger part of him started to glow with warmth, a part that he had never known existed. His Father had worried about him. His father had sat up the night with him.
"I'm sorry," Tallis said quietly.
"Nothing to worry about. Are you ready for breakfast?" Severus said briskly. Tallis nodded and pushed the blankets back to get out of bed. He was embarrassed to notice that he still had his shoes on. It was a habit he had when he was younger that he had thought he had broken himself of. When he was young he had started wearing his sneakers to bed. He was always ready to run, always prepared to try to get away from the next time that Vernon came to his cupboard. He soon learned though, that running only made it worse and that he could never truly escape. When he gave up the tennis shoes his soul was nearly broken. He had accepted his fate.
It was the next morning that he had received his first letter from Hogwarts, giving him hope where he had none. He didn't start wearing the tennis shoes again but he did start a new way of fighting back, and the evidence of his achievement literally covered his skin as a trophy of his success. His tattoos were his new form of the sneakers: his latest attempt at protection.
If Severus noticed the shoes or understood the significance of them he didn't comment on them. He knew that Tallis needed some time to recoup before they began another heavy discussion. Tallis stood there, wringing his hands, clearly uncomfortable. He stared desolately at the bathroom. "Would you like to shower first?" Severus asked gently. Tallis nodded eagerly and slipped into the bathroom. It appeared that his compulsive washing was back in full force now. Toward the end of summer he had gotten it more under control and on many days he only took one shower. Severus had been pleased with his progress. Last night had set his son back immensely. Severus sighed heavily and scrubbed his face roughly with his hands. Merlin this was hard.
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Next chapter: a secret meeting to make some potential plans to bring down Dumbles and the Dursleys. And a bit of sex. Yay sex!