Bill sat in Tallis' large desk chair with Tallis on his lap, leaning bonelessly back into his warm chest. Bill was absentmindedly running his fingers lightly over his small lover's tight abs and hips, tracing the tattoos that were there. "Tallis?" he asked quietly. Tallis murmured an inarticulate response letting Bill know he was listening. "Why won't you top?"
Tallis' body immediately went rigid. He started to push away from Bill, trying to stand up. Bill tightened his hold on him. "I'm sorry love, you don't need to answer that. I…its fine. I'm sorry." Tallis settled down again but still seemed poised for flight. Bill quietly ran his fingers through his small lover's hair to calm him some more, cursing himself for ruining their post orgasmic glow. The silence remained for a few more minutes, neither one willing to break it. Tallis was clearly still tense.
Finally, Bill decided to explain why he had brought it up. "You don't ever have to if you don't want to, I just…I was just curious is all. And if you wanted to and weren't saying or doing anything for some reason then I wanted to be sure that you knew that it was ok. I'm sorry."
Tallis was still clearly nervous and he didn't reply. They sat in silence, each one buried in their thoughts. When Tallis broke the silence it was for a completely different topic. "Do you have any plans for tomorrow yet?"
Bill repressed a sigh. Looks like he wouldn't be getting any kind of an answer today. He knew that Tallis would talk about it when he could but he was still curious. Never once, in two years, had Tallis even implied that he wanted to switch positions. It was rather odd that he didn't even want to try it. It would be one thing if they had tried it and Tallis decided that he preferred to bottom but he wouldn't even do that. He himself preferred to top but he wanted to make sure that Tallis was satisfied in their relationship. He shoved his concerns aside though, deciding to deal with it when Tallis was ready to do so. "Nothing really. Do you want to do something?"
"I haven't gotten to really see Hermione or Ron since school started. I thought we might be able to go on a picnic or something, if you want."
"That sounds great. I'll sit at the Gryffindor table at dinner tonight and ask them. Do you want to sit with us?"
Tallis sighed and stood up, beginning to transfigure some clothes out of spare parchment as none of his had made it into the office with them. He'd change into real clothes once he was back in his bedroom but he didn't want his Father to see him coming out of their office stark naked. "I'd like to but Father recommended not doing that, at least at first. If I regularly ate at the Slytherin table it wouldn't be so odd to see me there for a meal or two but I've only eaten there once before with Draco, and that was for a late lunch today when the room was nearly cleared. The Slytherins will flip if I start eating with Gryffindors when I haven't really eaten with them yet. I need to wait a bit more to be safe."
Bill nodded and pulled on his trousers, the only item of clothing that he was wearing when he entered the office. "That's ok. I'm sure they'll be thrilled to go out together tomorrow. I'll let you know what they say when we get back from dinner."
"Tell them hi for me. Maybe we can plan on a time to meet in the Chamber when we see them tomorrow. Father still hasn't seen it yet so I'll need to find a time to bring him down there but then it should be fine. We'll be able to see each other more regularly then."
"I know you miss them love. Don't worry, we'll figure something out tomorrow during our picnic." He leaned down to give Tallis one last quick kiss before opening the door to reenter the apartment.
SDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSD
Severus was still working in his private lab off of their sitting room when Tallis entered, hovering in the doorway nervously. "Come on in, Tallis." Tallis took a few steps further into the lab and shut the door behind himself. He stood there, wringing his hands in his shirt and shifting his weight nervously. Severus began to prepare himself mentally for whatever his son wished to talk about. He continued to decant the potion he had just finished, allowing his son some time to gather himself together. He had decided to make another batch of his son's vitamin enhancement potion since he was running low. He still wanted Tallis to take the potion every day until he was convinced that his body was processing food correctly and could thrive without the potion.
"May I talk to you?" Tallis whispered, clearly nervous.
"Of course, anytime you want. What did you want to talk about?" Severus believed he had himself fully braced for anything he could possibly bring up. His son whispered something that was completely unintelligible. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" Severus asked.
Tallis blushed lightly and spoke up only slightly. Severus still had to strain to hear him. "Sex."
Severus' hold on the vial he had been filling tightened suddenly and he crushed the small vial in his hands. He cursed quietly and began cleaning it up, tossing the shards of glass into the trash bin and vanishing the spilled potion while casting a quick healing spell on his cut hand. Merlin, he had not been prepared for that. Oh gods, he was definitely not ready for this one. When he had heard that his son was already sexually active he had eventually been thrilled when he realized that it got him out of the awkward sex talk that all parents evidently had to have with their children. He did not know how to deal with this. "Yes, well…what did you want to know?" he finally said, voice slightly higher than usual due to nerves.
Tallis blushed darker and his hands nearly wrung themselves off. Severus realized that he could deal with this as he dealt with other awkward conversations: comfortable chairs and a bottle of liquor. Probably not the best example to be giving his seventeen-year old son but frankly, these kinds of talk usually needed a stiff drink. He recovered his composure at the mere thought of a helpful glass of alcohol to ease his way into the awkward conversation. "Let's adjourn to the sitting room, shall we?" He left the rest of the mess in the lab, deciding that this conversation clearly needed to happen immediately. If he put it off, even to just clean up, his son might bolt. Whatever he wanted to ask he was clearly worried about and needed to talk it out with him.
Tallis nodded gratefully, glad for the reprieve, however tiny it may be. He followed his father out to their sitting room and he watched as his Father poured two large glasses of whiskey, evidently his preferred drink. He passed a glass over to Tallis and sat down himself. Tallis gratefully drank for a while, trying to calm down. He wanted some advice and he didn't know who else to go to. He had been torn over speaking with his Father about it but he certainly wasn't comfortable speaking with Ron about it and Bill was definitely out of the question, as was Remus, albeit for different reasons. Hermione and Poppy were completely out of the question. There was no way he could speak to a woman about it. That left him with his Father.
"What did you want to know, Tallis?" Severus finally said after about ten minutes of silence.
Tallis looked both embarrassed and humiliated all at once. "It's nothing. I didn't mean to bother you. It's fine. I'll just go."
"I wasn't doing anything important Tallis. We can talk about anything you know. Really, there's no need to censor your thoughts with me. What's the matter?"
Tallis settled back down in his chair and took a long sip of whiskey, coughing lightly as it burned its way down his throat. He set the glass back down on the table and stared at his hands again, slowly starting to wring them once more. "I'm afraid to top" he finally blurted out, evidently startling both his Father and himself with his admission. Frankly, he wasn't certain he would have the stones to say it until the words simply flew out of his mouth.
Severus wasn't entirely certain what to say to that. After a short pause where he tried to assemble his thoughts into some semblance of order, he gave up and asked the question that had immediately flown into his head when he had heard his son's words. "You haven't ever topped? Not even once?"
"No" Tallis whispered.
"Do you know why you are scared of it then?" Severus couldn't begin to imagine a reason for this. He would have understood if his son were afraid to be on the bottom due to his history but a fear of topping was incomprehensible to the man.
Tallis was quiet for a long time. Severus could feel that his son was trying to sort his own feelings on the matter out as well as decide how best to talk about it. "I'm scared I'll be like him" he finally whispered.
No need to ask who 'him' was. His son's fear became clear. Severus sighed. "Tallis, son, you're nothing like him and never will be. You are in no danger of being like him." Tallis shrugged his shoulders, unconvinced. This was evidently something he had been worrying about for quite a while. "Tallis. You are not your uncle. You will never be like that creature."
"But what if I am?" The desperation in his son's voice almost broke Severus' heart.
He decided to approach the situation with as much rationality as possible. "Have you ever taken pleasure in hurting someone else? Do you enjoy debasing others? In forcing them to do your will?" Tallis shook his head at each question.
"But what if I hurt him? What if I don't mean to but I do?"
"He has shown you how to properly prepare your partner, hasn't he?" Tallis nodded. "You'll just need to do the same. Bill will tell you if he isn't ready." Severus tried desperately to shove his extreme discomfort away. His son needed to talk about this and clearly he had been chosen as the best person to consult regardless of the fact that he had never had sex with another man and so couldn't speak from practical knowledge. He knew he needed to just suck up his embarrassment and give some halfway decent advice to his scared son.
"Maybe." Tallis still sounded doubtful.
"I truly don't think you will have anything to worry about. Plenty of men top all the time in their relationships with other men and women and never turn into rapists." Tallis shuddered almost violently at the word. Severus pushed on. "You need to remember that your uncle, that all of that family, was the exception to the norm, not what can be expected. Your uncle had perverse sexual desires that hinged on his enjoyment of children and his thrill in forcing others to his will. You are not attracted to either of those things, are you?" Tallis shook his head quickly. Neither children nor unwilling partners had ever seemed remotely sexual to him. "What you do desire is completely normal and healthy."
"Did you ever worry about it?" Severus gave him a confused look, trying to figure out exactly what his son was asking. "Did you ever worry that you would hurt mum…or anyone else you've ever been with?"
Severus sighed. While his honest answer would be a completely unqualified 'no' he wasn't certain it was best to give that to his son. He didn't want to make him feel more abnormal. "It is an understandable fear in your situation but I still believe it is one you can safely set aside. The very fact that you are worrying about it tells me that you won't have a problem."
"But did you?" Tallis persisted.
Severus sighed again. Evidently he would not be put off by his partial answer. "No, I never worried about it. But you cannot measure your experiences against my own, Tallis," he hurried to reassure him. "You move at your own pace and that is all that anyone can ask of you. Everyone is different and everyone faces different demons. My fear is abusing the dark arts. I feel their pull every day and must consciously push myself away from them. I doubt that you will ever feel the pull in remotely the same way that I do just as I may never feel the same fears that you have. For me, my weakness is the darker side of magic. For you it is the fear of having and abusing your power. An admirable concern, especially in a wizard as magically strong as you are."
"So you don't think I'm a freak?" Tallis whispered, still uncertain.
"No, I don't think you are anything but a young man who is struggling to adjust to his constantly changing life. You can take that role when you are ready to. Don't force yourself. And don't compare yourself to others. You cannot measure yourself against others in any accurate way. Are you a failure if you don't top for another six months? Another year? Ever? Am I a failure if I use one dark spell in the next year? For already having made a dark potion recently?"
Tallis looked startled as he realized that his Father had slipped into his own weakness willingly in order to protect him. The magical signature-altering potion had been dark in nature and Severus had insisted on doing it on his own, not wanting to expose his son to dark magic. "No, you are not at all a failure" Tallis said earnestly. "You had your reasons."
"Precisely. And you have your reasons for whatever you choose to do or not to do. Do not measure yourself against impossible standards. Make the choices that you are comfortable with and you will be fine." Tallis nodded and finished his drink.
The two sat in silence for a bit. Severus suddenly realized that it was entirely possible that Tallis hadn't spoken with anyone about this, ever. That couldn't be good. "Have you explained any of this to Bill yet?"
Tallis shook his head. "I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure. I just…I don't know. It's embarrassing. What kind of a man is afraid to top? I just…I know he wouldn't laugh at me but I just wanted to have everything sorted out in my own head before I told him, you know?"
"I understand. But you should think about explaining it sometime in the near future. He deserves to know what is going on. It isn't good to keep things like this from someone who shares your bed. He has a right to know." Tallis nodded.
"Thank you" he said quietly. "For all of this. I…I didn't know who else…" he drifted off, not knowing how to finish his sentence.
Severus understood. "It is fine. You know that I am always there for you to talk to whenever you need me, about anything you need. There is nothing that you cannot tell me about." Tallis nodded his thanks again and quickly left the room to return to his bedroom and think about their conversation.
Severus sat in the darkened room, turning the conversation over in his mind. He hoped he had done all right. This was the first time his son had turned to him for fatherly advice and, while he had been rather startled and nervous at first he hoped it had been helpful for Tallis. He wanted him to truly feel comfortable coming to him with anything. Now that the conversation was over he was slightly proud that Tallis had chosen to come to him to talk about sex. Not many kids would choose their parent over their friend and, as awkward as it had been at times, he was thrilled that Tallis trusted him enough to do so.
He looked at his pocket watch and sighed. Quite a bit of time had passed while he sat and thought through their conversation. It was nearly time for dinner. He wasn't exactly in the mood to deal with the Great Hall right now and his son was probably still a bit embarrassed that he had just had that conversation with his Father. He sighed and stood up to go ask Tallis what he wanted to do. He knocked lightly on his son's door. "Tallis?"
"Yes?" Tallis called out.
Severus entered to see his son curled up on his bed reading yet another book. "It is dinner time. Do you wish to go to the Great Hall or would you prefer to stay here?"
"Can we stay here?"
"Certainly. Dumbledore likes us to be present for two meals a day when possible. We only made breakfast there today but many of the days since we've come to school we've been there for all three. He shouldn't care too much if we decide to stay in."
Tallis smiled. I would prefer that, if you don't mind."
"Certainly. I'll go order us some dinner. Any preferences?" Tallis shook his head. "I'll have them send up some of what they're serving in the Hall. It should be here momentarily."
"I'll be out soon." Tallis smiled as his Father left. He could get used to this whole having a father thing. It was nice having someone he could talk to when he was confused. He felt a lot better after their talk. Maybe he would try to explain things to Bill tonight. Or soon, at least.
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