Series Title - Roses
Episode - 2/20 (possibly) - Or hold the door...
Rating - PG-13 (I think one or two really naughty words the rest of it's pretty PG)
Type - Fluffish
Pairing - Pre River and Jayne
Word count - 2913
Disclaimer - Not mine, not paid, please don't sue.
Warnings - None needed that I can see
Spoilers - None
Huge thanks to Ceslas for the betaing and encouragement.
Authors notes: (Because I forgot to explain all this in the first part). This series (the first I have ever attempted) started from a song, "I wont send Roses" from the musical Mac and Mabel, which in my (possibly bizarre) opinion is rayney. I turned the song into a prompt table and used that for the first four parts, then abandoned it because the story wanted to go where it wanted to go. The thing starts out silly and fluffy, but later parts (already written and posted on Rayneshippers) will be less so.
Or hold the door…
After being smacked in the face with a bunch of roses, Jayne spent an hour in his bunk, fifty minutes sulking and ten thinking.
In that ten minutes Jayne came to certain conclusions. River was angry with him, River might be mad enough to tell everyone about the little incident in the cargo bay and Jayne did not want to be yelled at, or shot, or tossed off the ship, or spaced, or whatever else Mal, Zoë and Simon might decide on.
Worse, Kaylee might give him the big reproachful eyes.
Even if Inara decided to speak in his defence, he wasn't sure it would do him any good.
He had to stop River being mad at him.
He recalled that the last time the Doctor had stuck his foot in his mouth he'd brought Kaylee hair ribbons and Kaylee just turned straight from an ice maiden into a puddle of goo. Jayne frowned, of course it could be the pathetic grovelling that the Doctor had done that did the trick. But since Jayne just wanted River to start talking to him and generally not throw stuff, specifically stuff with thorns, a present should do it and it wouldn't look weird because her birthday was coming up.
Perfect.
Still, he'd have to get this just right. He didn't want River to be a puddle of goo; he'd been half way down that road once and didn't want to go there again. Even if he'd had a dream or two on the subject, even if along with Zoë's legs, Kaylee's ass and Inara's everything the feel of the girl under his fingers made regular guest appearances during his alone time in his bunk. More often than not around the end when the girly pictures and mental images of the other women on the ship, or whores he had known weren't doing it for him. He'd focus on the feel of his thumb nudging and stroking the side of her breast, how her belly felt on the palm of his hand and the little noises she'd made. It always put him a bad temper afterwards.
On the ship, Jayne liked to know where he stood. He'd got kind of comfortable with Zoë sending him anything between expressionless to death glares, Kaylee smooching on the Doc and treating him like a cross between a brother and a puppy and Inara looking at him like he was dirt under her pretty shoes. There was fun to be had in needling them and leching after them in a general all purpose kind of way without there being any danger of anything ever happening and things getting all complicated. As an added bonus, it pissed off Mal and the Doc. It was fun.
River the out and out loony he'd known how to deal with, ignore her, but keep your hand close to a gun. When the opportunity arises, get her off the ship and turn her into someone else's problem.
River the saviour of his manly ass, River the mostly sane if pretty weird assed girl who had womanly parts and an enticing smell was beyond him. She got upset if he needled her and he couldn't bring himself to say anything even mildly lecherous because on the odd occasions some comment about her legs (the most commonly visible part of her) popped into his head he'd find those disconcerting eyes on him and he'd have to find somewhere else to be.
Sometimes he'd find his eyes resting on the girl, trying to x-ray vision his way through her baggy dresses. Inara kept talking about taking her clothes shopping, Jayne wasn't sure whether he should applaud the notion of the girl wearing stuff that fit or side with Simon in keeping her covered from neck to ankle in shapeless dresses and sweaters.
If he carefully edited out the memory of the dress she'd worn on the day of their little groping session, the last time he'd seen her in something that fit halfway properly she had knocked him out with a tray, crushed his favourite part of his anatomy and later torn apart a room full of Reavers. If he thought about any of those occasions too much he found himself getting badly turned on and it was back to his bunk with the whole problem of inappropriate thoughts about the girl rearing it's head again.
Regardless of all that, the girl's birthday was coming up and he was going to buy her a present so they'd get back to something like harmony. There wasn't enough time to make her anything so Jayne calculated the remainder of his last pay and figured he could manage something good.
He had two idea's and if he used his reputation and his 'I'm a real big, muscular, grumpy fella with a gun' haggling skills he figured he could manage both and still have enough cash left for his own needs.
He'd just congratulated himself on coming up with a grade A plan when there was a hammering on his hatch.
"Jayne you get your ass outta there," yelled Mal, "the customers here, there's work that ain't getting' done."
During the hop to Paquin he avoided River like the plague, firstly to avoid doing anything further to aggravate her, secondly to stop her picking up on his plans. If he had to be in her presence he filled his head with thoughts about anything other than his surprise. Thankfully, though River wasn't exactly ignoring him, she wasn't seeking him out either. If he hadn't been so pre-occupied with filling his head with "Whores I have known and there weren't nuthin' biblical about it," or other favourite subjects as a defence against her mind reading skills it might have bothered him a bit. No one stole food of his plate, or came to sit with him while he cleaned his girls. If he'd been paying attention he'd have missed it.
He was hiding out in his bunk when he felt Serenity kiss the dirt and climbed out to glare at Mal who was standing there with his fist raised, ready to bang on the door again.
"Nice to see you Jayne, there's been a few moments where I weren't sure you was takin' this trip. I got a job for you."
Jayne didn't have the patience to unravel that and argue about it, his plan was burning a hole in his brain.
"What needs doing so bad? I thought the customer weren't getting' here for four hours?"
Mal smirked at him with his smug, 'I am the captain and it is my job to make you miserable' face on. "We're getting a mite low on ammunition, I want you to get yerself over to the Gun shop and stock up."
"That ain't a problem, any chance I can get some free time after that? I got business that needs doin'."
"Thought ya was getting' yer itch scratched tomorrow?"
"Hell yes, I got Trudie all lined up and pantin' fer my attentions. It ain't that, just got sumthin' I gotta do."
"If it involves women, drinkin' or fightin' then the answers no."
"It don't,"
"Well Ok then, you get the ammo back to Serenity, then whatever time there is between then an' three hours from now is all yours."
River, Inara, Kaylee, Simon and Zoë had gone supply shopping en-masse. They were in a rather pretty arcade in the middle of the town. Simon and Kaylee were in a pharmacy, Simon trying out a new set of false papers that had him down as Dr. Silas Tammel so he could re-stock the infirmary with a few essentials that couldn't be brought over the counter by anyone other than a Doctor.
Inara had disappeared into a shop that didn't look like a shop and seemed remarkably coy about advertising its products, leaving Zoë and River waiting on the pavement with the promise that the next stop was a clothes shop for River.
The arcade was in the nicer district near the Opera house, street artists were everywhere, paid partially by the owners of the arcade to attract and entertain customers. Even with jugglers, unicyclists and mime artists performing everywhere she looked River got bored after twenty two seconds.
"Can we go in there?" River pointed.
Zoë looked at the shop in question, Old England Guns and Ammo. She shrugged, a mime artist was giving her an itchy trigger finger, getting off the street might be a good idea.
"Can't see why not, just looking though."
As they pushed through the heavy door a man behind the counter looked up and started grinning all over his face.
"Zoë! By all that's holy! Are you still hanging around with that big moustache with the idiot attached or will you make my day and run away with me?"
"R-rick." Whispered Zoë, looking at him as if she'd seen a ghost. Her emotions crashed into River like a tidal wave, she froze, turned on her heel and walked out.
The door swung shut on its heavy spring with a high speed swish.
The man looked at River in some kind of confused panic.
"Wha…?" the man swallowed, "Where is 'e? did 'e leef 'er? the rathead sod!"
River swallowed painfully, without intention her words slipped into the Londinium cant that the man spoke. "'e-'e is brahn bread." she stammered.
The man seemed frozen for a moment before releasing a slew of profanity. "Oh, bollocks and bloody arse!" He dropped his face in his hands "Shit, shit, SHIT!"he spat through his fingers. He looked up at River in horror.
"She should 'ave killed me, why didn't she kill me? That ain't Zoë!"
Through the high speed jumble of the man's mind, she could see a long acquaintance with Serenity's first mate, something to do with the war and a last meeting years ago when Zoë and Wash were fresh and new. The mess of memories like a poorly edited high speed film told her something else. It was a good person she was looking at and a good friend.
River hesitantly laid a hand on his shoulder "She is hollow, the filling scooped out and lost, and she does not want to find it yet or remember what it was." River squeezed her eyes shut and scrabbled for something simple. "She, she is not herself."
Rick seemed to get the gist and laughed shakily. "You're right there." He took another breath, "she punched me the first time I met Wash because I made a pass at him."
River couldn't help herself, she started to giggle.
A wry grin tugged at Ricks face, "I know, I know, I always talk about running away with Zoë but there was just something about that moustache." A tear started to bloom at the corner of one eye but he blinked it away and coughed, embarrassed.
Without thinking, River bent over the counter and kissed him, comfortingly on the cheek.
He blinked at her.
"That was very forward miss. Feel like doing it again, perhaps here." He tapped his lips.
"No," River smiled and patted his arm, "You like boys best."
"Zoë must have talked," he said sadly, "But girls make a nice change."
Jayne barrelled through the town with a couple of big bags in his hands, chanting 'get the ammo, get the presents, get the ammo, get the presents' in his head.
When he reached the Gun shop he stuck a shoulder to the door, since he was pre-occupied and not looking he didn't notice the slim dark haired girl on the other side.
River was waving goodbye to Rick, she turned to face the door just in time to have it slam violently into her nose.
There was a crunch, and a lot of blood.
Rick got to her first, a cloth in his hand, trying to stem the flow.
Jayne cautiously pushed open the door and peeped through. "Aww crap!"
Rick gave Jayne a dirty look. "Don't yew know ter 'old a Ronald de Boer fer a lady?"
"Speak gorramn English ya nut!"
"Lovely to see you too Jayne and I am speaking English, I have my doubts about you though. Here," he nodded to the cloth in his hand, "hold this while I get some ice."
Jayne took the cloth with bad grace; as soon as Rick disappeared, he took the cloth away and subjected River's nose to a critical assessment. He took hold of it gently; River made a noise like a tea kettle and tried to swat his hand away, tears oozing from her eyes.
"Pack it in moony, I gotta find out if ya broke it ain't I, an ya have." He sighed, "We'd better get ya back ta the ship quick so yer brother can set it." He replaced the cloth to catch the blood that was still oozing sluggishly from her nose. He started to wonder if he would have to spend his whoring money to make up for this one.
"My brudder is at the pharmady." River gave Jayne a big eyed look, "Nod your fault, accidend."
"Well, I'm sorry ok. Had stuff on ma mind, an…"
"What's going on? River!" Simon wriggled past Jayne and snatched the cloth out of his hand.
"Dayne bumped my dose wid da door."
"Bèn dàn, fǔ chòu yuán rén."he spat, "River, mei mei, let me see."
"It's broke," stated Jayne.
"Are you a Doctor?" snapped Simon.
"No."
"Then shut up. Didn't it occur to you to come and get me? If I hadn't seen your sizable rear end sticking out of the door I wouldn't have known you were here." Simon assessed River's nose, he sighed, "It is broken."
"My ass ain't siz-ab-le no how." Said Jayne, affronted by the suggestion, "An I tol' ya her nose were broke."
"With you medical expertise there was just as much chance that you'd have diagnosed a broken arm."
Rick arrived and taking in the situation at a glance, handed the ice, wrapped in a towel to Simon, who nodded his thanks.
Kaylee's head popped around the door, "Come on honey, can't think that Jayne would do this on purpose."
"Which just adds clumsiness to his stupidity."
"Hey!" yelled Jayne.
"Little Kaylee is that you?" bellowed Rick.
"Rick!" she screamed and clambered over Simon and River to get to him, getting a hearty kiss for her efforts.
Simon's mouth dropped open, and he squeezed harder than he intended on River's nose.
River made a shrieking noise. Kaylee thumped Rick affectionately on the arm to get him to put her down.
"You can't do that no-more Rick, that's my fella Simon tendin' to his sister River on the floor."
"But you promised you'd marry me!" pouted Rick. Kaylee giggled.
"If I got to eighty an' was still unwed ya dope."
"So has he," Rick nodded at Simon, "married you yet?" Kaylee blushed violently and shook her head.
"Because he dis a doob," muttered River. Simon glared at her and Jayne sniggered.
Rick slapped a hand to his heart. "So there is still hope," he cried theatrically.
"I don't want to break up such a touching reunion but can we consider how best to get River back to the ship please?" asked Simon dryly.
"Why?" asked Jayne, "ain't her legs workin'?"
"If they are I'm sure it's no thanks to you!" snapped Simon.
"Honey, ya know Rick kissin' me don't mean nothin' don't ya?" Kaylee stuck a hand on Simon's arm and looked pleadingly into his face.
"Oh it means something," said Rick wickedly.
"Yed," said River, looking sternly up at him, "id meands you like to dease people. Which id nod nice," Rick looked abashed, "especildly because Dimon is dore your type."
Simon looked non-plused, Jayne and Kaylee hooted with laughter.
"Dow," said River, taking command of the situation and standing up. "Dere is no reason do blame Dayne, it was an accidend and Dayne is correct, my legs dar ok. Dimon can dake me back to da ship, Daylee dan finish supply shopping wid 'Dara and Doe and Dayne can finish shopping for ammunition." She looked around, a strange sight with her nose puffed up and blood all down her front. "Dar we agreed?"
"You're mighty in charge all of a sudden," observed Jayne, crossing his arms.
"If I dond shud dem up my head will explode. Id helped me docus." River smiled at him sunnily through the blood.
When Jayne got back to the ship River was in the infirmary and could not defend him against Mal's tirade on the theme of "Ain't you got eyes in your dumb head Jayne Cobb?"
What with stowing the ammo, getting yelled at and being sent out to find Zoë who'd disappeared, Jayne's spare time got mostly used up. Searching for Zoë took him halfway around the town before he it occurred to him to radio Mal and get him to ask River where Zoë was. A woozy River told Mal in a convoluted way that Zoë was in Book's old room in the passenger dorms and that it was best to leave her alone. In the end, Jayne had thirty five minutes to do his shopping.
By luck, he got one of the presents just right, the other he stuffed up rather badly.
Idiot, foul smelling ape man bèn dàn, fǔ chòu yuán rén.
Cockney Rhyming Slang Information -