Authors note: Usual huge thanks to for the betaing, any remaining cock ups as usual are mine all mine. There is stuff going on with Zoë that will intrude from time to time in this series because of something that seemed like a good idea in part two. This is the point at which I gave up on the prompt table and my nicely planned out plot went all to hell.

Splish, Splash I was taking a Bath (For the sake of calling it something)

Trudie's finger's were in his hair, massaging in plain soap she'd dug out from somewhere. Everything she had smelled like a flower garden and Jayne might get with the idea of smelling clean but he wasn't "gonna smell of posies for no one."

Trudie started to work suds into his shoulders, "So, ya gonna tell me what happened ta put such a dent in yer whorin' money? Ain't never knowed ya ta let go of that fer no-one."

Jayne made a humphing noise, but at that moment he'd lost most of his temper. The world was wet and warm with the promise of more and better to come.

He removed his cigar from his mouth and sighed, "There's a girl on the ship, kinda was crazy, kinda still is an' we had somethin' of a misunderstandin' a whiles back. Everyone thinks of her like a delicate flower that's gotta be protected, but she ain't. Anyways, she got riled with me over sumthin' else an' I din't want her bitchin' ta the captain, so I brought her dinner with some whore from Jolly's place ta try and get her ta leave me be." Jayne's irritation resurfaced and he slewed around in the tub to look at Trudie. "Damn girl ate enough to choke a pig an' she musta had a food fight with the whore cos I got his dry cleaning bill and it damn near cleaned me out."

Trudie sat back on her heels frowning, "Well that's a plain spiteful thing to do to a man. Don't she know we get most of our food from off planet?"

"She's Core bred, so mebbe not," Jayne shrugged, "the prices were up fer all ta see, I checked when I was lookin' fer a place."

Trudie was still frowning at him, "Why'd she do it?"

"Hell if I know," replied Jayne irritably, "ain't got a clue what goes on in a regular woman's head, never mind feng li girls." Jayne couldn't help the smirk that snuck onto his face, "Cept' when it comes ta sexin' that is. Then I reckon I got it all figured out."

Trudie swatted him absently on the ear, mind elsewhere.

"Ya got me curious now. Reckon yer gonna have ta tell me the whole tale."

"Aw come on Trudie, I'm good an' clean an now I wanna get dirty." He made a grab for her and she wiggled out of reach.

"You ain't getting water all over these new duds so hold ya guns cowboy. We got all day, so tell me."

Jayne sunk down into the water with a sulky face and proceeded to tell Trudie all about it, starting from the day he went looking for company on the streets of Persephone.

River, walking home at a far slower pace than when she went out found herself passing through the arcade where Old England Guns and Ammo was situated. She had a small amount of money left over; the figure had been clear in Jayne's head so she knew exactly what to give him. There was no way she could afford a gun, but the money in her pocket made her feel like a legitimate shopper. Anyway, she liked Rick; anything that distracted her from thinking about Jayne's probable activities was a bonus. She might have reached certain conclusions about her feelings for him, but they were still feelings.

Trudie frowned her way through the whole story, except in the places where she laughed. Jayne was a bit offended about that, but this was Trudie and she knew a lot about him so he told her everything. Including the bullfrog thing, because that was worrying him, he'd started to think that crazy might just be catching.

Rick was behind the counter again.

"Hello River, 'ow are yew today?"

River paused, an itch of familiarity tickled through her mind, "I've 'ad be'er days, Zoë is 'ere?"

"Yeah, arrived in da middle ov da night rats (Drunk). She's in my spare room, 'asn't stirred since I an' allk 'er daisy roots (Boots) off." Rick got up from his stool, "You wanna cupp'a rosie?"

A troubled jumble of dreams flickered on the edge of River's consciousness. "Yes please, one sugar."

It took Jayne a while to figure out the bullfrog thing, but it came to him when Trudie practically collapsed in giggles at the end of his tale of woe, making parts of her shake like a jelly. If she hadn't been laughing at him, he'd have enjoyed the show.

"Oh hah de hah hah. Glad I made ya day Trudie."

"You have at that ya big lug, ain't ya got it?" Jayne looked at her mystified, "The girl's gotta crush on ya is all."

Jayne's cigar dropped out of his nerveless fingers and hissed to extinction in the bathwater.

"She ain't!" he shot a horrified look at Trudie, "Crazy's catchin' I knew it. I'm gonna send our Doc along with a smoother for ya, soon as he's got me good and doped. Makes ya see little angels n' stuff." His brain flashed up the image of the bullfrog again.

"Aw crap."

8888

Inara was drinking tea in Serenity's galley.

Mal stomped in, a miasma of foul temper riding along with him.

"Why is it I can't find any of my crew?"

Jayne had sisters. When he was about fifteen, not that long before he shipped off world, his sister Lizzie who was thirteen or fourteen at the time had a huge crush on the local Pastor. She fluttered her eyelashes at him, did stuff to get his attention, had arguments with Jayne's Ma on the subject of what dress she could wear to church and stuck to him like a burr on a pack mule every chance she got.

When the man got married, she snuck into his house and stuck a bullfrog in his bed. Ready for his new wife to find when she slipped between the sheets.

The man had brought the thing to Jayne's house the following morning in a box; it sat there looking up at Jayne from the kitchen table. The man was very kind about it; Lizzie went and locked herself in her bedroom for most of the day.

Young Jayne had been rather foxed by the whole thing, in the end he'd cornered his Ma and asked her what was going on.

"Near 'nough all girls go through it Jayne, kinda like practicing for fallin' in love properly. Weren't nuthin' ta worry about, Lizzie picked a decent man who weren't gonna take advantage, lotta girls ain't so lucky. She's gonna be embarrassed and cry a lot an' then she'll get over it."

It had all seemed kinda dumb to Jayne but his Ma knew pretty much everything there was to know about anything.

A lot of River's behaviour slotted into place.

There was a tap on the door.

"Come in," Trudie called out, Mog slid apologetically into the room. "Sorry ta disturb ya, but I got a note from Jayne's ship an' the cash he'd left behind."

Jayne looked at the money in Mog's hand confused, "But that ain't…"

Trudie took the money and smiled brightly at the woman who was shooting curious looks from Jayne to Trudie and back again, her nose twitching. "That's shiny Mog, Jayne was worryin' over that." As soon as Mog had reluctantly shut the door behind her Trudie passed Jayne the note.

Jayne read it. He erupted from the bath like a sudsy, pissed off sea god.

"Feng li girls given me near 'nough all her savin's." Jayne practically jumped out of the bath and started pulling on his clothes regardless of being wringing wet. "Sorry Trudie, I gotta go sort this out."

Trudie took a regretful look at him. His t-shirt was rucked up, leaving a part of his chest and most of his belly on show. He was still, basically naked from the waist down as he tried to drag his pants over his wet legs. However ridiculous, he was a sight to make a red blooded woman's mouth water.

"Gorramn," she muttered. She held the money out to him.

Jayne took it, but dug in his own pocket for his own money and tried to give it to her. Trudie put her hands behind her back and shook her head.

"You don't owe me nuthin' Jayne. Go get yer girl." She nodded to the door.

"She ain't ma girl," growled Jayne, "don't go sayin' stuff like that. I just gotta find her an' give the money back. I get this sorted quick I can come back. An' I owe ya fer a bath if nuthin' else."

Trudie grinned and peeled a couple of small notes from the ones in his hand. She tucked them into her cleavage. "That'll do. I'll expect ya if I see ya."

Zoë woke up as River was sipping tea, she felt Zoë's thoughts with the familiar counterpoint of a thumping head.

The muzziness of a mind forgetful from sleep shattered and flew away, Zoe's anger hit River like a tornado, spinning around with the potential to wreck everything in it's path.

Mal spotted Kaylee and Simon as he stomped off the ship, walking home in a relaxed fashion arm in arm, both looking far too pleased with themselves.

"Glad to see you finally remembered where you belong. Kaylee I want you to mind the ship with 'Nara while I go get Zoë. Doc, you might wanna check all your sister's usual hiding places cos I can't find her an' neither can 'Nara."

Simon snapped out of his post-coital, happy fog.

"What!? Why didn't you call me?"

"Cos I only this minute found out 'an I got more important things to worry on. We got a meet for a new cargo in about five hours an' I want all my crew in place an' doin' their jobs. She ain't gonna go far, the girl's got a birthday tomorrow. Can't imagine even a genius girl is gonna miss out on cake and presents."

Jayne's clothes were sticking to him and his hair felt weird, he was pretty sure that he hadn't washed the soap out properly. He'd only just remembered to give Trudie a kiss (on the cheek) before he tore out of the Lacy Garter like a bat out of hell, only slightly delayed by tripping over Mog who'd been listening at Trudie's door.

He didn't want the girl, any girl crushing on him. A woman with a bit of experience, looking him over and deciding he was the man for some no strings attached fun, that was fine. There might have times in the past where a younger girl (not that young, at least he hoped not, because his Ma would kill him) had shown some interest and he'd taken advantage of that. But he never made promises and the fact he was gone in morning should have put a stop to any romantic dreams they might have had. Plus even the young ones had been women of some experience. Now that he knew that River had been crushing on him the whole incident in the cargo bay made a lot more sense because he wouldn't have normally touched her. Girl had been using wiles on him, playing on the fact he was horny. Innocents weren't appealing, even if they did haunt your dreams.

An innocent that, if his memory of Lizzie's behaviour was right, might be writing River Cobb or River Tam-Cobb all over stuff with little hearts. That was downright frightening.

If only the girl had a few more years on her and a fella or two under her belt then… because it wasn't like she was un-appealing in that way. What with her legs and her firm little body, big pretty eyes, soft tender mouth. Then there was the way she fought and moved, the way she teased her brother and Mal, the way she sat with him sometimes while he was cleaning his guns or lifting weights and just listened if he was talking. He'd been a bit surprised when River developed that habit, after a bit of wariness he'd had got to like it ,even if he couldn't quite figure why she was doing it. Well, now he knew.

It wasn't as if the idea of having someone warm in his bunk every night wasn't appealing. He'd have taken that Saffron bitch on simply because it was a long time between whores in the black and River was, well River was River. Actually, thinking about YoSaffBridge at the same time was an insult.

It didn't matter what River was, what mattered that she was too young and too fine, he was too old and too rough and even if he could get with her it seemed eventually she'd wake up from her crush and leave him in the dirt for someone better.

Jayne was going to see to it that all this crushing was gonna stop right now.