September 17th 1892: Christine
I had walked down this corridor thousands of times, yet it had never felt like that. It bore a strange resemblance to walking down the aisle in church after getting married. And in a way, that was what had just happened. So I figured it could as well feel like it. It seemed to be the same for Erik, for he was walking more proudly than usual, his head held high and his hand grasping mine firmly.
Walking around the corner I saw Philippe standing next to Meg.
"It was boring in my room, so I came downstairs," he explained when he spotted us. "I'm sorry. I know you told me to stay in my room and practice reading… but I finished the whole chapter." The excitement and pride was clearly audible in his voice during the last words. I, on the other hand, felt a little guilty. I had kept my son company for a while after Erik had gone and listened to him reading, but after Meg had come, I hadn't gone upstairs a second time.
"That's fantastic, my boy," Erik praised him, offering him his other hand. An attentive child such as Antoinette would have noticed right away that we were holding hands and would have asked a million questions. Yet Philippe wasn't that perceptive yet. He seized his Uncle Erik's hand and smiled up at him.
Only Meg had obviously noticed it, for she gave me a slight grin. For a second I was afraid she might comment on it, yet when she opened her mouth, she merely said:
"The cook was delighted about receiving the meat. She was already starting to get worried about what to serve for lunch. The good thing is that while she was worried, she made a chocolate cake for dessert to make up for the lack of meat in the main course. So we'll have both meat and a chocolate cake now. Isn't that nice?".
We all nodded. A cake for dessert… yes, that sounded like the kind of meal served after a wedding. Without knowing it, Larisse had done us a favour. Philippe licked his lips in anticipation. He didn't like chocolate cake quite as much as strawberry cake, but it was among his favourites.
"When will the lunch be ready?" Erik asked as we made our way to the dining room.
"In about ten minutes' time," Meg replied. "I hope you're not too hungry yet."
"I can wait," he assured her.
When we had sat down in the dining room, Erik and my son started a conversation about the chapter Philippe had read in his book. Meg and I had chosen seats at one of the windows, which was on the other side of the room, so that we could talk without being overheard. I was aware that Erik was probably able to hear us anyway, but I didn't mind. It was mainly Philippe I was worried about. I didn't want him to find out that his teacher had more or less become his temporary father.
"So?" my best friend asked in a low voice, throwing me an expectant glance. "What happened after I left the room?"
"If you're so interested in that, why didn't you just stay and see it for yourself? It would have saved you the effort of asking," I couldn't help teasing her.
"Nothing would have happened if I had stayed," she said with a dismissive gesture. "The moment I saw you kissing I knew I had to get away. The last thing the two of you needed was a chaperone. A bed would have been more fitting…"
I blushed, glad that my back was facing my son.
"Did it really look that… that…?" I couldn't find the right word.
"No, I was just making a joke," she answered. "So you don't have to worry. You looked like two people who love each other and express that feeling. And I'd like to know how that expressing of feelings continued after the door closed behind me."
"Well, we decided that we'll express even more feelings tonight," I whispered. "If you know what I mean…"
Meg's eyes grew wide.
"Of course – the wedding night," she muttered. "How could I have forgotten the best part of the wedding?" She gave a chuckle. "This is so strange. Half an hour ago we were talking about how you imagine it to be, and now it'll really happen. Are you exicted?"
I leaned forwards a little more, hoping Erik couldn't hear me.
"Yes," I admitted. "Excited and rather anxious. What if he won't like it?"
"He loves you. Even in the unlikely case that he won't like it, he won't tell you," she pointed out. "Besides, he doesn't have a lot of experience with women, does he? He'll probably like whatever you will do with him…" She chuckled again, yet this time the sound made me angry.
"Don't talk about him like that!" I hissed. "Erik is not a beggar who has to take what he can get. I want him to enjoy it."
"Of course you do," she said hastily. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult him or you. It's just… Erik loves you, and he won't stop loving you because he doesn't enjoy sleeping with you. But he will enjoy it – I'm sure of it."
"You're right," I murmured, giving her a lopsided smile. I wished I could have been as sure as she was, but the truth was that I was still nervous. Yet I had realised it was not the kind of feeling that went away by talking about it. So I didn't say another word about the subject.
Meg looked a little suspicious, as if she didn't believe me entirely, yet the arrival of Larisse distracted her from any question she might have had.
"The food is nearly finished, so I've come to lay the table," she announced, placing a small pile of plates on the table. This was the sign to take our seats. Meg sat down on Antoinette's chair. Jacqueline and the girl would get something to eat at the house of her teacher, though I doubted it would be as delicious as the meal Larisse was preparing.
ErikOnce more, the meal was taken in silence, which was perfectly fine with me. As much as I usually enjoyed talking to Philippe, I couldn't have done so at the moment. My head was filled with the conversation of Christine and her friend that I had just overheard. I was aware that listening to them had been wrong, but I couldn't have helped it. At first I had merely heard single words, yet the moment my name had been mentioned I had grown more interested.
From that time on, my replies to my boy had become rather short and automatic. All my attention had been focused on my beloved. The things I had heard would have been enough to make a lesser man than me blush. Fortunately I had managed to remain calm, at least on the outside. Yet my patience had been tried when Meg had started speculating about my experience with women.
Cutting the meat on my plate into little pieces without thinking about what I was doing, I recalled a rather unpleasant event that had taken place at the opera a few years ago. Some chorus girls, who had been new in Paris and had just been told my story, had thought it very funny to make jokes about me. ´I bet the reason why he spies on everyone and sneaks around all the time is that he has never had a lady friend. He's lonely,´ one of them had shrieked. ´And it'll always stay like that. Who'd want to kiss a living corpse?´ Then they had all burst into laughter. For some reason they had not laughed when all their underwear had vanished the next day, only to be thrown onto stage during an important dress rehearsal in the presence of all patrons. It had taken hours to remove the words Better a corpse than a harlot from the wall of their dressing room. I had thought it very amusing.
Yet even if Meg had known into which direction my thoughts had just gone, there wouldn't have been any reason for her to be worried. The emotion which made me chew the same bite over and over, simply because I kept forgetting I had already done so, was not anger. It was fear. Christine was afraid that she might disappoint me? The idea was ridiculous. Her friend had been right: I'd like whatever my beloved would do, simply because it would be her doing it.
But what about me? The chances that I'd disappoint her were much bigger. I had never done anything like that before, for Heaven's sake! The few kisses and caresses we had exchanged didn't count. The Vicomte had had ten years to find out what she liked. I didn't have that much time. It was obvious that I'd disappoint her.
"You hardly touched your food, M.Erik," the cook observed when she came to fetch the plates. "Didn't you like it?"
"It was delicious," I told her with a smile, even though I couldn't even have said what I had eaten. "I just wanted to… be able to take more of the dessert." Christine winked at me. Inwardly I groaned. That was not the kind of dessert I had had in mind.