September 17th 1892: Erik
If I could have chosen one specific moment for the world to end, this would have been one of the most likely candidates. Even the time when we had kissed paled in comparison to this one. Christine had said it. She had said that she loved me. How much better could life become? I had waited for hearing those words for so long that I had nearly given up hope completely. ´What is the point in waiting any more?´ I had asked myself. ´As long as she's with you, it doesn't matter whether she loves you or not. You shouldn't expect too much.´
Yet all that had become unimportant now. Three little words had changed my life. I couldn't even recall what we had talked about before or in which mood I had been.
"Could you… say it again?" I asked, my voice sounding a little hoarse. "Please…" I wanted to hear her repeat it over and over, till it would be engraved in my mind and my heart for all times.
Yet for some reason she seemed to be rather reluctant. She was looking down at her cup intently, even though she hadn't taken a single sip yet. Why was she avoiding my eye?
"Erik, please…" she said in barely more than a whisper. "Don't think too much about those words. I just said them because… because…" Her voice trailed off. She bit her lip.
For once, the sight of white teeth digging into a soft bottom lip, bringing out its rosy colour even more, didn't have any kind of effect on me. I was too busy taking in her words to pay attention to it.
"Do you mean it was just a slip of your tongue?" I whispered incredulously. "You didn't… want to say that you love me?" How was it possible to feel so joyful in one moment and so miserable in the next? I wanted to hide my face behind my hands and cry. I wanted to shake her, to ask her how she could do this to me, how she could be this cruel. She knew me better than anyone else, for Heaven's sake! She knew how much I loved her and how much I had longed for hearing those words from her. And still…
Christine didn't answer my questions. Well, in a way that was an answer, too. I wasn't stupid. If she had truly loved me, repeating that sentence would have been easy for her. The mere fact that she didn't do it told me very clearly what was going on inside her: She didn't love me, but she didn't have the courage to say it. So she didn't say anything, hoping I'd change the subject.
Yet I wouldn't make it that easy for her. I continued staring at her. I wanted to make her squirm under my gaze. She should know what she had done wrong. Maybe my behaviour was childish, yet that didn't matter to me. I was too hurt to care about her feelings. After all, she hadn't cared about my feelings either, had she?
Christine
I didn't look up from my cup. I didn't dare look up. Still I could feel his eyes on me. He was the only person I knew who could do so many things with his eyes. Sometimes his glances were soft caresses, but that wasn't the case now. There was nothing affectionate about the piercing stare. I felt it as if it were burning holes into my skin.
I moved in my seat uncomfortably. If only I could have run away! Yet that was imposible. I had brought myself into this terrible situation, so I had to get myself out of it again. The problem was that I had no idea how to do it. I had to say something, that much was certain. Yet I didn't know what to say.
Everything would have been much easier if I had been able to turn back time. Just a few minutes would have been enough. Then I'd have told him something else, choosing my words more carefully. Any other argument would have been better than the stupid ´I love you´. I could have told him how much he meant to me and that I really didn't think him a bad person.
The trouble was that I simply didn't know whether I loved him. So many things had happened in the last days, causing so many different emotions. Could anyone blame me for being a little confused? Erik could obviously blame me. And he was right about it. Had I become so pathetic that I didn't even know whether I loved a person? It was one of the most basic questions there were.
Deciding that I couldn't hide forever, I looked up into his face… and gasped. He was still staring at me, yes, but there were tears trickling down his face. He didn't wipe them off. He merely stared and stared and stared at me. That was all he did. It was one of the saddest things I had ever seen.
Slowly I reached over the table to wipe the tears away with my fingers. The moment I touched him, however, something extraordinary happened: I was seized by a wave of emotion so powerful that it would have swept me off my feet if I had been standing. My breath sped up, and my heart was pounding in my chest. Trembling, I wondered whether being struck by a bolt of lightning felt like this.
For one or two seconds, the feeling was too strong to understand it. I could only endure it, my mouth hanging open slightly to make breathing easier. I squeezed my eyes shut, and when I opened them again… I knew the answer. I simply knew it. The feeling that had seized my body wasn't negative, not at all. It was love.
Now I could wipe the tears off Erik's face.
"I'm sorry that I made you cry," I told him softly. "And I'm sorry that I couldn't give you an answer right away. You see, I wasn't sure about it myself, but now I am. I love you."
A tentative smile spread across his face very slowly, as if he weren't sure whether to trust me. He found my hand at his cheek and covered it with his.
"Oh Christine, are you really speaking the truth this time?" he asked. "Or is it just a beautiful lie to make me stop crying?"
"I wouldn't lie about something that important," I replied. "If you want me to, I can say it again: I love you."
"This is the most wonderful present you could have given me," he whispered, his eyes dangerously moist again. "I love you, too."
By now, I had to blink away tears as well. It was hard not to be touched by his obvious joy. It only made my heart continue beating quickly. If it went on like this for a while, it would burst free from my chest and jump onto the table, a pounding mass of happiness. At the moment even this not very nice image seemed pleasant, in a strange way.
For some reason, we didn't kiss. It didn't seem to be necessary as a proof of our love. Erik remonved my hand from his cheek gently and held it in his.
"So these rings do mean something to both of us," he remarked quietly, brushing over the golden ring on my finger. "If only for a while…" he added, some of the joy leaving his face.
This was something I'd have preferred not to be reminded of. I hadn't thought of Raoul for some time, and I didn't want to do it now either. Thinking of him made me uncomfortable, as if I were betraying him. Maybe I was indeed betraying him, but I pushed that idea out of my mind. At the moment I was married to Erik, so I couldn't betray Raoul. Or was I making things too easy for myself?
"Don't think about it now," I whispered soothingly. "For the next few days I belong to you. I love you, and you love me. Isn't that enough?"
"I suppose so," he muttered, still not sounding fully convinced.
I sensed that I had to do more in order to take his mind off the subject.
"So… have you already made plans for tonight?" I asked casually. "Is there anything special you'd like to do in our wedding night?"
"I don't know," he replied shortly, pulling back his hand. "And I don't want to talk about it either."
I looked at him in surprise. I cleary had succeeded in distracting him, yet I hadn't expected such a response. I had thought he'd be a little more enthusiastic.
"Is something wrong, Erik?" I wanted to know cautiously. "Aren't you looking forward to tonight?"
"No," he said, his voice growing more unfriendly by the second. "As a matter of fact, I'm not looking forward to tonight at all."
I was too shocked by his sudden hostility to react. Instead, I took the first sip of the by now cold tea. It tasted terribly bitter.
"I'll go to Philippe," I announced, putting the cup onto the table and standing up. "I'd like to see whether he's still practicing." Erik didn't move a muscle. He didn't even acknowledge my words with a nod. So I shrugged and left him alone. Something had gone seriously wrong in this conversation.