September 17th 1892: Jacqueline
Walking down the corridor I heard it for the first time. It was a series of low moans, combined with the groaning of a mattress, and it came from Madame's bedroom. I smiled knowingly. Just to be completely sure that my theory was correct, I checked M.Erik's room, finding it empty. I should have known so. Apparently the two of them had discovered quite a nice night-time activity.
Thinking about it I couldn't help blushing and hurried down the corridor and back into my room. My steps were accompanied by the moans of a second person. Actually there was no need to hurry, for no one else was still awake and could see me. Larisse had already gone home to her family, and Gabriel and Jacques were fast asleep in their rooms downstairs.
I was glad that nobody else was there to hear those sounds. None of us servants was likely to spread rumours, but it would have been bad enough if one of them had started questioning… what? Madame's character? Her qualities as a wife? Or M.Erik? In any case, I had to protect them. I didn't know why I felt the urge to do so, but I did.
Perhaps I had heard too many of those romantic fairy tales as a child. The princess and the brave knight were often separated and could only be together for a short time. Antoinette loved such stories as well. I couldn't recall how many times I had told them to her, inventing new characters and new dangers the knight had to overcome before he was allowed to be with his beloved. Vaguely I wondered what the girl would have said if she had known that her own mother was in a very similar situation.
But then, wasn't it just the other way round in Madame's case? After all, the Comte was the handsome man who had saved her from danger, although admittedly it had happened years ago. Actually the story should be over now. It should have ended with their wedding. Who had ever heard of a fairy tale in which the evil character turned into the good one after a while? And did this imply that the good character had to become evil?
Having done all that pondering while standing at the door of my room, staring into space, I realised that I wouldn't be able to sleep anytime soon. So instead of going back to bed, from which the urge to go to the bathroom had woken me up a few minutes ago, I sat down on a chair next to it, looking out of the window. Nothing interesting could be seen there either, but it was better than the darkness of my room. I didn't dare light a candle, for, just as usual, the door to Philippe's room was open. I didn't want to wake him up, just because I couldn't sleep.
When I was comfortable, I tried to recall what I had been thinking about. Oh yes, good and evil. I wasn't even sure whether calling M.Erik the evil character in that story was correct. But then, most I knew about him was what my sister had told me, so I found it hard to be neutral. The chorus girls loved gossip – the more horrible, the better. According to their tales, M.Erik, or rather, the Opera Ghost, was a monster, barely human and definitely evil. I had even heard one of them say that he was the devil himself or at least one of his minions. The girl had been silenced quickly by the other ones, who had all made the sign of the cross. That opinion had been too extreme even for their tastes.
Yet I couldn't regard M.Erik was evil. It was true that he had scared me more than once in the past, that he demanded absolute obedience and could become very unpleasant when not being given the answers he wanted. And still… he wasn't a bad person. The chorus girls had never seen him play with Philippe or talk to Antoinette about dancing. He had an amazing talent for children, and I just couldn't imagine a bad person being like that.
And then there was his relationship to Madame. I hadn't seen them together very often, but merely from the way he looked at her I could tell that he loved her. If he were a bad person, he wouldn't have waited ten years for her. He wouldn't have let her go at all. Yes, he had seized his chance now, but who wouldn't have done that? It was more a sign of being intelligent than evil. And apparently Madame didn't mind either.
Actually there was nothing bad about it then. Maybe it was wrong on a moral level, but who was I to judge others? I myself had done quite a few wrong things in my life, things I was glad no one knew about. So I wasn't allowed to pass judgement on others. Still it was good that Larisse didn't know about it. She was a nice person, but very traditional in her opinions. She wouldn't have understood.
Yet of course there was another person who wouldn't understand it: the Comte. His wife, lying in bed with someone else, someone who was his sworn enemy… it didn't take a lot to work out how he'd react to such news. He'd curse the day when he had agreed to let M.Erik stay in the house. I was astonished that he had allowed it at all, but I guessed there were things between the three of them I didn't know about.
But then, maybe the Comte would never find out. Madame and M.Erik would surely be wise enough not to continue their relationship with the Comte around, or at least to hide it better than they did now. They had to feel completely safe at the moment, convinced that no one would hear them and feel obliged to –
My breath caught in my throat as I suddenly remembered the promise I had given the Comte. He had asked me to tell him if something happened here. Well, his wife sleeping with M.Erik definitely qualified as ´something happening´. This meant I had to send him a letter right now. The face of my master was in front of my mind's eye as I fetched my writing utensils quickly. Yet sitting down at the table I paused, the pencil already in my hand.
Suddenly there was another face on my mind. It was the face of my other master, M.Erik. If he ever found out I had betrayed him in such a way… A shiver ran down my spine. True, I didn't believe him to be a bad person, but I had seen supposedly good people do terrible things when they were furious. I didn't exactly fear for my life, for I didn't think he'd kill me. Yet he could easily make Madame dismiss me. Once she heard about my betrayal, too, there wouldn't be a lot of persuasion necessary. Moreover, he'd surely stop paying for my sister's education, and I couldn't do that to her. She loved being a dancer.
On the other hand… M.Erik needn't know who'd have sent the message to the Comte. Perhaps he wouldn't suspect me at all. Perhaps he'd suspect… Jacques. Yes, that was a good solution. The butler could have stood up at night because he thought he had heard something upstairs, then he'd have accidentally noticed what was going on in the bedroom and would have been bound to write a letter to his master. Maybe I could actually arrange that by telling Jacques what I had overheard. Then everything would be perfect.
Everything, except for the fact that I'd feel like a monster. As much as I tried to tell myself the contrary, I had to realise that being dismissed and losing the support for my sister weren't my biggest worries. Even if M.Erik would never find out who had told the Comte about it, I'd feel terrible all the same. The point was that I liked Madame and M.Erik. In a strange way that I couldn't have explained to anyone, they looked like a nice couple.
I even wondered what would have happened if they were the ones who had married. Then everything would be all right, wouldn't it? No one would say anything against them sleeping with each other. It would be considered perfectly normal. I sighed. The problem was that they weren't married and would never be married, because Madame already had another husband.
Still I couldn't help pitying them. I thought of the handsome sailor who had been my first love. He had never as much as deigned to notice that I existed. But if he had done so, and if we had been given the chance to spend just a few days together, I'd have seized it. I couldn't punish Madame and M.Erik because they were doing the same.
But what if the Comte found out from someone else and suspected I had known it before? The question made all romantic thoughts vanish from my mind. He'd surely dismiss me and make certain I'd never find another job in Paris again. Then I wouldn't be worth anything for M.Erik either. I could hardly expect him to support both my sister and me, could I? I wouldn't even be able to give him anything in return.
I sighed again. If I had known which problems I'd once have here, I'd have never started working in this household. Yet since I couldn't turn back time, I just had to do the best I could for myself. Finally having made a decision, I started writing.