September 18th 1892: Jacqueline
It was only on our way back that I had a little time for thinking. Antoinette had kept me busy all day. Most of the time I had spent at the back of the room her teacher used as classroom. Even though I hadn't taken part in the lessons, of course, letting my mind drift off for more than a few moments had been impossible. I knew Antoinette's habit of asking me about every little detail of what she had learned on the way home, and I didn't want to make a fool of myself by admitting I hadn't paid attention.
I had used the lunch break to fetch one of the girl's dresses from the seamstress, and since Antoinette had decided to accompany me, I hadn't had time for myself then either. Yet now I finally got my chance. Mme.Tadoux had played a song on the piano in the last few minutes before we had left, and the girl had been fascinated. It seemed that M.Erik's brief introduction to the world of music had truly made a difference in her life. She was still humming the song under her breath, which fortunately rendered her unable to speak.
It was not as if I didn't enjoy talking to Antoinette. If talking to children annoyed me, I'd have certainly chosen the wrong occupation. I knew that some people found the girl's enthusiasm for everything exhausting, but I was used to it. After all, I knew her almost since her birth. Yet today there were just so many things on my mind, and I felt as if my head would explode if I didn't think about them soon.
I knew so much about what was happening in the de Chagny household. I knew who was in love with whom and who was sleeping with whom. I knew so many secrets about the family that if I decided to work somewhere else one day, they'd probably have to shoot me to make sure I didn't talk. A person who liked gossip much more than I did would have regarded all those secrets as a godsend, but I was getting more and more troubled by them.
Everyone seemed to find it wonderful that they had me to confine in, but none of them thought about the fact that I didn't have anyone to talk to. The children were too young to understand it. So was my sister. Besides, she did love gossip, and I didn't want to risk becoming the source of even more rumours at the opera. Larisse was a nice woman, but I couldn't have talked to her either, for I knew how rigid her morals were. I'd have rather cut off my tongue than talked about it to Jacques, who'd have told everything to his beloved master right away, and I didn't know Gabriel well enough to decide whether he was trustworthy. I was all alone.
Well, at least I could think about it now. For some reason, it was not the last night and the revelation in which bed M.Erik slept that was at the front of my mind, but tonight. I couldn't help feeling that I was a little responsible for the outcome of the situation this morning. If I had held Antoinette back when she had asked M.Erik all those questions about his face, he probably wouldn't have decided that he had to talk to the children about the mask. The girl asked so many questions every day. Perhaps I should have tried to distract her in some way, and she'd have forgotten it.
Yet even while I thought, I knew that there wouldn't have been any point in trying to distract her. It was true that Antoinette always had many questions, but I had learned to tell whch ones she really wanted the answers to and which ones she merely asked as a pastime. She wanted to find out the secrets of M.Erik's mask, and if I had distracted her, she'd have started with the same topic on the next occasion.
What was truly troubling me was the fact that a part of me was just as curious as the girl about what lay beneath the mask. I had often thought about it in the years since I had got to know my other master. But then, I couldn't afford being as curious as a child. After all, I was dependent on M.Erik. I'd still have to work for him, even if his face would come to haunt me at night-time.
Haunt me… I shook my head slightly. I was aware that the stories my sister told me whenever she had the chance to do so had influenced me. Yet I could truly recall a story of some people who had seen his face and had had nightmares afterwards. Normally I wasn't one to take rumours and stories for facts, but in this special case, my anxiety was making me more responsive than usual.
I liked M.Erik. He was friendly, even to us servants, and he had never treated me badly, even when he had been in a very foul mood. I didn't want my feelings for him to change, just because I had seen his face. It would make working for him even harder than it already was. Up to now, I had always been able to tell myself that I was at least helping someone nice, someone who needed my assistence. Ever since my childhood I had enjoyed being needed, no matter by whom. Yet now I had the suspicion that my urge to help others could be my undoing.
I had even considered going out in the evening, so that I wouldn't be present at M.Erik's revelations. But then, what should I have told Madame? My tasks didn't end until both children were sleeping, and even afterwards I usually stayed with them, in case one of them had a nightmare. I couldn't just leave the house without giving a very good explanation. Besides, where should I have gone? I didn't have an friends, except for my sister, and she'd have a performance in the evening. There was no way in which I could get out of this.
Vaguely I wondered what the Comte would say if he found out that his children had been exposed to such a sight. He'd probably be furious and demand an explanation from his wife… and maybe even from me. After all, I was responsible for the children and had to make sure nothing happened to them. Did seeing an ugly man count as ´something happening´? It probably did. But then, there was nothing I could do to keep them from seeing it if M.Erik should decide to show himself to them. He had sounded very determined. I sensed that he had decided to let them see it, and that was what he'd do.
From what I knew about my other master, he'd probably enjoy the idea of doing something the Comte disapproved of. Besides, by the time the Comte returned, it would have already happened. Maybe I should at least tell him, just like I had told – My thoughts were interrupted by an annoyed voice.
"Aren't you listening, Jacqueline?"
"Of course I'm listening," I replied hastily, looking at Antoinette. "I was just…" My gaze fell upon the piece of clothing over my arm. "…thinking about how pretty you'll look in your new dress," I finished, knowing that this was a good way of distracting the girl from finding out that I had no idea what she had been talking about in the last minutes. I hadn't even noticed that she had stopped humming and started speaking.
"Yes, I'll be very pretty in it," she agreed at once, smiling and running a hand over the soft fabric. "I'd like to wear it tonight. Do you think Maman will allow it?"
"Tonight?" I repeated, frowning. "But we're not going out tonight. Why should you wear a different dress from the one you've been wearing all day? It's not dirty, is it?"
Antoinette shook her head, making the dark curls fly.
"I want to be pretty for afterwards," she explained. "Uncle Erik will tell us about his face. It will be a special occasion, won't it? And Maman says that on special occasions one has to wear special clothes."
"Oh," I made, as realisation dawned on me. It was true that Madame said such things, but she surely didn't have that kind of occasion in mind. "Well, perhaps it would make Uncle Erik feel self-conscious if you wore your new dress."
"I see," she muttered. "Do you mean he'd feel bad because he doesn't have a new dress as well, but only an old mask?"
"Something like that, yes," I answered, holding back a chuckle. The image of M.Erik wearing a pretty new dress was very amusing and perhaps the only positive thing that had come from all the time I had spent thinking. "A new dress won't be necessary," I told Antoinette. "You look lovely in the one you're wearing at the moment." She nodded, just as we reached the de Chagny estate.
We were passing the hedge just behind the fence when I saw it move slightly. I looked at it again, but it remained motionless. Quickly I glanced into the other direction and made Antoinette speed up. Surely it had only been a bird. Still I breathed a sigh of relief as we closed the entrance door behind us. In here, nothing could happen to us. After all, we had M.Erik for our protection.