Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write about hem as I wish it would happen
1x2 yeah!
ScarsPart two: Avoiding
"D-duo…" Heero was in a stupor. He didn't know what to do. Couldn't get near Duo, couldn't say anything to him. He kneeled at the end of Duo's mattress and looked down at his huddled figure.
Duo couldn't stand the silence; he wanted to lash out at Heero for his ignorance and that he had come looking at all. Duo cringed and moaned loudly. He hated this, hated himself, and even hated Heero a little bit for causing all of this.
"Duo, I…I'm sorry, who…who…" Heero was stuttering, very un-Heero like and it confused Duo. But he was weary of the Anger rising in Heero's voice. He held onto himself tighter and tried to stop crying.
There was a loud pounding on the door that stopped Heero mid-sentence. But he ignored it and looked at Duo, sad, angry, sympathetic and horrified all at the same time.
"Duo?" It was Bruce, "Duo are you ok? I heard a pounding, is everything ok?"
"Duo-" Heero moved closer to Duo on the mattress, reaching out a hand to touch him. Duo panicked, he couldn't stand this, it was eating him up inside and his head was pounding, and his stomach was contracting again.
"NOOO!" Duo screamed and tried to get away again, kicking his feet out at Heero.
There was a loud smash from the front of the apartment as Bruce kicked in the door, mistaking Duo's scream for something it wasn't. He rushed in to see Heero poised over and half naked Duo, pulling the covers up around him, crying and looking absolutely panicked. "Bastard!" Bruce screamed at Heero, and he ran forward and grabbed him, still stunned from Duo's scream.
Bruce held Heero tight with his muscled, tattooed arms and was ready to beat him to a pulp. Duo lay on the bed, trying to wipe away tears and wrapping the sheets around him while he got up.
"No Bruce, Don't hurt him! It's ok, it's ok!" Duo was panicked now, and his body trembled, but he had to stop this. He was talking to Bruce, calming him down, but he knew perfectly well he was only telling him not to hurt Heero for his ego. Heero, though small, thin and not a built up as Bruce, could've killed the larger man with his bare hands.
"Duo, what's going on here?" Bruce asked, still ready to jump to Duo's defense.
"It's ok Bruce, this is Heero, he...he's a friend from the war, I just got a little excited is all. Its fine, he wasn't… he wasn't trying anything." Duo had a hard time getting it out, just the words and the fact that he felt he would drop to the floor at any moment.
Bruce slowly lowered Heero to the ground and apologized lightly. He then turned to Duo. "You're ok?" Duo nodded. "Ok, I'll see ya later." Bruce left, slowly, giving Heero a look as he went by.
Duo fell back to his mattress, curling up again, covering himself completely with his blanket. He could hear Heero shutting the door after Bruce and then return to Duo's room. He looked down at Duo's figure hidden under the light sheet, shivering.
"I did not expect to find you this way." Heero seemed to be talking more to himself than to Duo.
"Please Heero, just go. I'm sick and tired and sore and I need sleep." Duo was nearly choking out sobs again.
"I'll be back tomorrow morning, maybe take you to breakfast?" Heero sounded light, trying for a more cheerful note to leave on. Duo just nodded and closed his eyes. He heard Heero leave softly, even heard distant footsteps leaving his hallway, before he began to cry again.
Duo got up sometime in the early morning and checked his door. His main lock was busted completely from the hinges. Duo had actually made it himself, not trusting factory made. He sighed heavily and put on all of his back ups and then went to bed again. He curled up in a nest of sheets and fell asleep in a fetal position while the predawn light tried to fight past the heavy blinds he had up.
Duo hated to get up, he was warm and comfortable and safe. He lay in his baggy pajamas. Around ten that morning he had gotten up and taken a shower, cleaning out his long braid and then folding it up in a towel. It was now twelve and Duo wondered, while he lay on his mattress, freshly clean and slightly red skinned from the hot water, what he looked like in Heero's eyes. He imagined himself, it wasn't that hard, his own image imprinted in his mind. He was skinny and scrawny; he hadn't matured much physically since the war. His muscles had had a chance to tone down in his relaxation and new life style. His finely toned body and reduced to that of a young bachelor who barley went out at all. Pale skin, ruined and disfigured by scars.
He could see it all now, two that started at his neck, knife wounds, which went into an "x" across his chest and ended around his sides. Burns across the rest, barely anything left unmarked. There was a mark, in the shape of a curved wave, a burn from when one of his attackers had heated up his ring with a lighter and then pressed it into the skin right next to Duo's belly button. On his back were the criss-cross shapes of serrated blades and broken glass. Some were wider than others due to the attack of infection later. On his sides, near his ribs on rather side were the letters 'S' and 'G' burned in by matches and lighters, sloppy work, but you could still read them.
There was the scar on his face, and there were more on his legs where they had simply went on to cause more damage, no creativity there. Just raised skin where the bite of metal and fire and disfigured him forever. Even the doctors at the hospital had given him little hope. He could've had a surgeon take a look at him, but the doctors had said there was probably little one could do for him. Even new technology couldn't help him, he would look like this for the rest of his life and beyond until his skin finally melted off his bones.
Duo felt himself shaking; despair and self-hatred were coursing through his veins. What a horror he must have been in Heero's eyes. Duo curled up tighter, now he really didn't want to get up! It was almost unbearable! He still remembered when he had gotten this place, the first thing he'd done had been to cover up all the mirrors until he could permanently remove them. He despised his own image now, only his hair remained safe from his constant self-criticism. It was a treasure and a memory forever.
That and the cross he still kept hanging over his bed on a silver push pin. He couldn't wear it anymore, it felt wrong to put something so precious on such a monstrosity, so he hung it there and fingered it every once in a while to assure himself it was still there, still strongly solid and reassuring. It made him forget fro a while, let him escape into a sea of happy memories with sad ends, but it was better than the life he knew now.
When the phone rang around twelve forty, Duo jumped up and grabbed it off the cradle and then hesitated. He hadn't admitted to himself that he had been waiting for the call. Begging for Heero to call, he had said he would, and he wanted so much to hear that steady and strong voice.
"Hello?" Duo's voice wavered as he put the receiver to his ear and listened closely. His knuckles were white while he clutched his sheets with his other hand. He'd been high strung and it felt as if his nerves would never wind down if he didn't just admit to himself how great it was to finally have contact with Heero.
"Duo, it's me." Duo sighed in relief and laid back on his bed to listen intently to Heero. "I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, I had a job to take care of and I suspected you might still be asleep from your…your strenuous evening."
"Is that code for 'Since you got your ass kicked' Heero?" Duo smiled and turned onto his side, cradling the phone like it was some holy relic that he would never let go of.
He heard Heero let out a chuckle and his emotions soared, he loved that sound, wanted to remember it always. Heero never laughed, or he had never used to, something had happened since the war, he seemed in touch with emotions that Duo had never been sure he'd ever had.
"I'm in my car, on my way there, did you want to go out to lunch?" Heero sounded at ease, but his words made Duo instantly queasy.
"Ummm…well, ya see, the thing is…I…" Duo was frantically searching his mind for some kind of excuse, but he needn't have worried so.
"Or we could order take out if that's better?" Heero put in quickly, as if afraid Duo would slam the phone down and run again. But Duo couldn't do that, he was hooked on Heero, like he was some kind of drug and he had to see him again to get his fix. Even if Heero would never be his, he could still be in his presence, and for now that was enough.
"That would be ok." Duo said in a little voice that was barely a hairs note above a whisper. He could hardly believe himself for doing this; he hadn't thought he could let Heero see him again.
But maybe, just maybe…Heero would understand, would accept him like this?
"I'm on my way, see you soon. Bye." Heero hung up as Duo said goodbye and then was looking around in silence. Most of his cloths were dirty; his hair was a mess from still drying and his place looked about as lively as it usually did. So Duo just gave in and lay back down, right after making sure his pajamas covered all of him that they could.
Duo was still lying there when Heero knocked on his door and he got up to let him in. His baggy sweat pants were missing cuffs and swayed around his ankles as he walked, he wore a long sleeved shirt that was also missing hems and cuffs, but covered all but his neck. He had braided his hair back, even though it was still damp and had made the slightest attempt to look cheerful as he greeted Heero.
Heero was dressed in Dockers, black and pressed till the seems stood out perfectly and professionally. He wore and green button down t-shirt and had a pair of sunglasses resting in his shirt pocket. His shoes were clean and his socks weren't seen as he walked into Duo's apartment.
"Good mor-afternoon." Heero said with a small smile, only quickly glancing over Duo and then looking elsewhere, accepting his appearance and making no comment on it. Duo was grateful for his laid back attitude and how comfortable he seemed in the apartment. It allowed Duo to put on what smile he could and move around to clear his small kitchen table of his work.
"What do you feel like today, Chinese? Italian? Any nearby restaurants you would recommend that deliver?" Heero pulled out one of the three chairs that Duo had and sat down at the table that Duo was clearing of mess and transplanting it to his desk.
"Ummm…there's a pizza parlor that has good Garlic sauce and delivers pretty quickly." Duo mumbled, unable to think of anything else.
"Ok. That sounds good to me." Heero moved the phone sitting on the edge of the table so he could order, "What's the…never mind." Heero found the number of the pizza parlor listed on a post it that was stickling to the phone.
He ordered them pizza while Duo did a quick check on his computer and then logged off.
"What do you do?" Heero asked when Duo joined him at the table.
"Huh?" Duo paused and stared at Heero like a frightened child.
"I mean as a living, you don't seem to have to be anywhere." Heero observed, looking like he regretted the question slightly.
"Oh, I ummm, I do computer jobs, design web sites, put up firewalls, just little things." Duo looked down at the table.
"But expensive, you should be living better than this." Heero said it as a comment, but Duo looked slightly disturbed by it.
"What do you do?" Duo took a chance at the offensive.
"I do work for the preventers, just odd jobs that are for part time workers." Heero said it easily and Duo wished he could be carefree again, take the pressure riding on the moment and crack a joke like he used to be able to.
"Why no work full time, bet they could use an agent like you." Duo wondered out loud.
"I have other stuff to do that eats up my time, so I just help them out occasionally." Heero admitted and Duo made a funny face.
"Heero Yuy, Newest model, hobbies included." Duo smiled freely for the first time. Heero looked at him oddly and then laughed. It rolled out of him like thunder, but it crawled up Duo and into his stomach where it made him slightly giddy.
"What are your hobbies anyway?" Duo asked, he felt courage pushing him on now, he felt something inside that he hadn't since he'd left.
"Not much, mostly the past few years I've spent…looking for…you." Heero admitted it slowly, pulling the silence out longer, revealing the secret.
Duo didn't know how to react, he sat there looking at Heero and trying to come up with a feasible answer, but his voice wouldn't come and his mind was blank. He sat still as stone, watching Heero's eyes looking at him, hopeful and forgiving. He wanted to touch Heero, to find out what was behind those eyes, find out how he'd changed.
Duo made the mistake of looking down at his hands. The line of a thick scar ran up to his wrist, the one that had nearly helped take his life away, and the image of himself ran through his mind again. He remembered the look on Heero's face from last night.
"Wow, looks like I gave you a run for your money if it took you this long!" Duo stood up and put on a face to hide what was suddenly threatening to come out. "I wonder what's taking the pizza, they're usually here by now."
"Duo…" Heero started, but the buzzer went off and Duo jumped to answer the door. He paid the pizza man and brought the pizza to the table.
"Doesn't it smell good?" Duo placed the box down and opened it slowly so that the steam coming off the melted cheese would drift out and fill his apartment with a warm smell.
"Duo, I wanted to tell you-" Heero started to say, but Duo cut him off.
"Dig in Heero, its good pizza, you'll like it!" Duo handed him a slice and stuffed his own into his mouth. He looked around desperately for something to do, something to say, something to distract Heero.
"Yes, it is good," Heero said after he'd taken a bite, "But Duo, I wanted to ask you a question."
Duo looked up and stopped chewing. He wanted to run, to hide, to get Heero out of his apartment and get on his computer, there people didn't question you, and Duo already know what this question would be.
"Duo, why did you leave? Where did you get all those scars? I remember the war, and only some of those are from that time." Heero looked at him with steel edged eyes, he was slightly angry and very compassionate.
"I, Heero, I…I have a job, and it's going to take me most of the day, leave your number and I'll call you when I have some free time, and we can do this again sometime." Duo stood and quietly went to his desk. He sat down and logged on, still eating.
"Duo, I can't leave, I have to know, why did you leave?" Heero stood over Duo, a strong presence, demanding Duo's attention.
"Heero, I have to work and I can't do it while you are here, please leave." Duo felt a twitch near his eye, he was going to cry again soon and he couldn't stand to have Heero see, this was what he had become and his shame spread out from him, making him regret eating.
"I'm not leaving, I need to know, someone did this to you didn't they?" Heero's anger was a tangible force that overcame Duo's shame, but why was he angry?
Duo stood slowly and steadily, he pushed down all of his emotions and looked at Heero.
"You will leave now, this is my apartment, my property, and I am asking you politely to leave." Duo forced his gaze to be harsh and angry, even as inside he was breaking, tearing up a piece of him he knew he wanted back as soon as he pushed it away.
"D-duo…?" Heero backed up a step at Duo's force. Then his own expression changed and he took up his anger easily. "I will not leave you like this! There is something wrong here and as your friend I demand to know what happened five years ago!" Heero meet Duo and they stared at each other, and then to Heero's shock, Duo smiled, it was the dark smile of Shinigamii, a face that only OZ soldiers had seen before they died.
"Friend? Since when Heero, Why spend all these years looking for me when I obviously didn't want to be found, did it ever even enter you mind that maybe I didn't want to see you anymore, to know you at all? Huh, selfish bastard?" Duo spat out each word like a slap to Heero's face. Heero looked so sad suddenly, like his whole world had been shattered.
"Duo…why are you doing this?" Heero's hands turned to fists that shook at his sides.
"Because you wont leave, I already tried being nice, so I guess I'll have to resort to the truth, I never wanted to be your friend, so just leave, go to Quatre and lick your wounds and get on with life Heero, like me, I have a life now, and you are not in it!" Duo sat down again and began to type out furiously.
Heero stood there for moment that stretched out, long and lonely. He watched as Duo typed out programs, unfeeling and coldly. He felt each moment that Duo sat there, silent, and he silently turned and left. His presence leaving the apartment cold and devoid of any life. He walked out to his car, got in and drove away, leaving Duo alone, the way he wanted, for Duo did not want him there at all.
Duo kept typing, he wrote out programs as the demands came in and sat, lifeless before the glowing screen. He sat there, and he worked for two straight days…never stopping to sleep, eat or even get up and stretch his muscles.
He typed past his emotions, past memories, past even his own conscious, simply spilling out data into the lifeless machine in front of him. Two machines facing each other while the sun rose and set and repeated its cycle again. Each time Duo had to wait for work, he began to type up programs that had simply been an idea in his mind before then.
When finally his eyes would stay open no longer, Duo collapsed, he simply fell off his chair and lay on the ground, motionless and slept there. He slept until his body woke again, but then he didn't move. He saw the moon staring back at him from outside his window and simply watched it until it moved away and set below the ocean he knew was just outside. Duo slept again when the day came and woke once more with the rising of the moon.
Finally, with this last passing he found that he was crying. Duo heard his own sobs and could feel the tears falling from his eyes. He lay still on his back and looked at his ceiling and let every emotion he had tied up the last few days wash over him. Duo knew he was sick again; he had done it to himself, maybe even purposefully subconsciously.
Duo finally turned over around five in the morning and got up to his knees, he was still crying, he had driven Heero away. So he crawled over to his mattress, unable to stand on legs he wasn't sure would hold him. Lying on top of the covers, Duo began to drift. Somewhere between Sleep and wake, he knew he was lost, dieing somehow on the inside and fading from what he had once been.
Duo tossed in his bed and ended up on only the mattress, all other pieces of cloth gone as he lay still for a moment and listened to his own heart beat. He slowly stood and took off his shirt. He looked down at his body, the expanse of scars that would not have been so bad, but his attackers had gone deep and did their best to do as much damage as possible. He felt the ridges of the scars on his chest and ran his fingers over his arms where it was smooth and shiny after healing.
With a grace like a cat, Duo entered his bathroom and pulled the heavy sheet off the mirror on the wall. It was long and wide, Bruce hadn't let him take it down, said it was part of the apartment and that he should just cover it up or something.
Now Duo looked back at himself in it, watching his own eyes. They darted around, dilated, violet and wild like some kind of animal that lived in a cave and never saw the light of day. His hair was loose around him like a halo of chestnut, sun-streaked mane. His body was pale and pink, Unmarked except for all the scars, it looked like he was wearing rags of some kind that they covered him so.
Duo felt his chest again, the 'X' the biggest mark of all, just barley missing his nipples. He saw the half moons on his shoulders from where one had held him down and…
Duo turned away from the mirror, just like on L4, that was what the world was, he had found a way now to live in it and survive, so why wasn't it enough? Why couldn't he just live here on his own?
Duo turned back to the mirror, saw the veins of red in his eyes, of blue under his skin. All pulsing with something, some emotion he couldn't explain. But he finally let it out; he balled up his fist and let a scream lose. His fist flew at the mirror and a shattering of glass broke around his fist. Cracks of silver running away to the edges of the mirrored plane and one hundred different sets of eyes looking back at Duo. Blood dripped down the small ravines and created a kind of maze of horror. Duo's bloody hand went back to his side, slivers of glass embedded in his skin. He didn't feel the pane, only found a tank top in his room, and pulled on his coat again.
Duo walked outside not bothering to lock his door and found it was now six, the sun was just rising in an eruption of orange, yellow and pink. He Walked away from the dawn and towards the ocean, around him people were getting ready for the day, but no one noticed him as he walked for the sand and rocks and waves.
Duo found that walking along he had forgotten shoes and that it was too hot to be wearing a coat while the sun was up. Duo came to the edge of the sand and peeled of his coat, letting it drop and going on without it.
People looked up as Duo past, but they quickly looked away as they saw his scars, he knew they would, they always did, like looking at him was wrong. Duo kept walking, not looking at anyone's eyes, just the shadows of bodies he saw out of the corner of his eyes. There weren't many people out this early except for the surfers that were local or got information about the early morning waves.
Duo left he sand of the beach and found the pebbles, those led to the rocks of the shore where it was jagged and broken like an alien land. Duo climbed and crawled over the moss-covered expanse of rolling rocks to the sharp out cut of "hells peninsula".
A small out crop of rocks that looked like they had sprung up from the fiery pits below the earth. They were where Duo guided his feet as he began to climb out. He sat down at the very edge, in a small 'seat' in the rock. It was the only smooth place and a perfect outlook for watching the sea. But come high tide, the whole thing went under the salty waves and disappeared for only the fish and scuba divers to see.
Duo lay back against he rough face of the rock and turned his face to the sun. It was warm against his skin; he couldn't remember the last time he had been out wearing less than he was now, let alone while the sun was still up.
"I'm sorry Heero." Duo whispered to the cloudless sky. He let his eyes close and felt the deep drags of sleep pull him under. Even when he knew his skin would burn in the harsh light, even when he knew he should be further back in case the tide came in, Duo fell asleep on the out cropping of rocks known as 'Hells peninsula'.
Duo slept in the sun, his skin turning red and then blistering and burning. His hair got tangled up in the rocks behind him and his cloths became soaked as each wave crashed over him more and more. He didn't notice anything; his dreamless oblivions consumed him completely. Desperation and hopelessness all that was left.
Duo choked and coughed out of reflex when the tide finally did come in. But he was helpless when one final wave finally snatched him from his seat and dragged him down into the water. Duo finally did open his eyes, but only to see the ocean floor that would be his grave.