Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing...wouldn't that be great though?
But
I just write about them as I wish it would happen
1x2 yeah!
this is currenlty all that I have. i know, sadness right! But rest assured that i am, even as i type this, working on the the next chapter. Honestly! it's open on another window right now! thank you for the comments, and for everyone who added me to their faves list or put me on thier alert system...O.o WOW! I can't tell you how much that makes me want to keep writing! (or somthing like that, it makes me feel really good!) so here it is...before my head gets too big.
Scars
Part Six: Moving Forward?
To say that Duo had trepidation about asking for help as he descended the stairs of Quatre's mansion was a severe understatement. He could feel a slight twitch in the lower lid of his right eye and squashed it harshly before he came into the view of anyone who might be downstairs. His heart thudded against his chest, his ribs feeling pounded upon by the force that anxiety gave it. Duo keep going down the stairs, feeling the mushy carpet under his feet and through his socks, careful to make sure his steps were always direct upon the stairs so as not to slip and fall. He could feel the bruise on his side forming just under the skin from his earlier flight among the trees, and the small throbbing in his temple that told him firmly that he would have a headache later. Duo finally descended the stairs that came into view of the living room just to the side of the glossy railing and forcing himself to look over froze.
Quatre was sitting on an overstuffed chair that almost swallowed him whole, and from his peripheral vision, Duo could also see that Heero was sitting off to his right. But Duo suddenly didn't care who they were, all it meant was eyes on him. Duo knew that his nose was swollen, still healing from a sever break, his eye was black and purple, he had stitches that looked nasty down the side of his face and that he had a slight limp.
Though his cast had been taken off, his bones healing unnaturally fast, his movement today had not helped their rapid recovery. But that was not the worst that suddenly plagued Duo's mind like black fog. His eyes became wide and frightened, he felt himself shrinking in as best it could under the two intense pairs of eyes. Duo knew his scars couldn't be seen on most of his body, though his hands, face and neck were still visible, but it was as if the cloths had gone from his back under stares and saw every inch of
his body for its disfigured mass of scar tissue.
Duo knew right then he couldn't ask for help, he couldn't even completely come down the stairs, he could only turn around and retreat, go into the dark again as he had done with his apartment and computer job. Duo actually began to move back, striving for shadows, groping for the extra clothing he knew wasn't there. Heero clearly saw the panic in his eyes and Quatre had already picked it up the moment Duo had stopped on the stairs.
"Duo..." Heero started. Quatre sighed as Duo instantly disappeared from where he had been and they heard a door slam and locks click a few second later. Quatre knew that any sound would have made Duo run, that silence and comforting eyes would have helped his courage return, but Heero would not have known that.
Quatre stood up lightly and stretched unconcernedly as Heero's fists
tightened in emotion that would not show on his face. He'd made a mistake, again a mistake, all he seemed to ever make where Duo was concerned. Even now, was bring Duo here doing him any good? Had he saved him, or was his fate doomed to be the same wherever he went. Since it was obvious that Heero was not able to help him like he should have been able to.
"Don't." Quatre said simply as he turned to Heero who was staring down at his clenched fists. Heero turned his face up to him in an unspoken question.
"I know what you're thinking and don't beat yourself up about this. You brought him here and that's the first step. You knew when you found him it would not be an easy road from here on. Maybe he needs a little more time."
Heero nodded solemnly and slowly, Quatre was right, and there would be many set backs in the beginning. Heero would have to help him through it, show strength and support, and not despair at every back step. Heero sighed heavily as he stood and started for the stairs. He was going to talk quietly with Duo, even if it had to be through the doors, till he was calm.
"Why don't you let me go?" Quatre suggested. "I need you to work on the plans of the Netro Base for me, I left the papers on the dining room table for you." Quatre began to climb the stairs.
After he was gone, Heero hesitated a moment, fighting an inner battle weather to follow Quatre up anyway or to go and work on something else to distract his mind from the broken record his mind had been over Duo's wellness.
Duo dragged the heavy quilt off his bed as soon as he was in his room with the door locked. He huddled in a corner; wrapping it tight around him, over his face so he couldn't even see his hands anymore. Softly he let humming over take him as he rocked in the corner, singing to the rain from his hellhole. Duo knew his breathing was much too heavy and that the quilt wasn't letting him have enough oxygen so that he was actually dizzy and nauseous. However, Duo only continued to hum, trying not to see what his mind feared, hundreds of eyes, all red, green, and black staring at him. All except for the pair of blue eyes that were in the middle and looked at him and stared at his ugly body and the scars that maimed him from the human contact he longed for, but resented. The blue eyes he didn't want to face tonight, he hated the nightmares with the blue eyes. From those he would always wake up in torment and falling out of bed to strike his head on the ground. He suspected it was a subconscious way of replacing the nightmares with pain, a better feeling.
He was so distracted by trying to distract himself that Duo didn't hear the first few times that Quatre knocked on his door. Quatre's voice just kept calling out his name in calm patience until he heard Duo's humming stop suddenly and knew Duo was listening for the noise at his door.
"Duo, it's Quatre. Can I come in?" Silence. Duo couldn't decide, getting up would mean dragging the quilt with him and he didn't want to have Quatre see him like that, but getting up without it was worse, he absolutely refused to leave the quilts safety. So in
resolve, Duo stayed where he was and didn't answer Quatre.
"Duo, I'm coming in." Quatre sounded final and although Duo wasn't used to hearing Quatre speak that way, and he knew that the head of the house obviously had keys to every room and he knew that he was acting like a child, but it felt almost good to have someone else in charge of him for once. Duo didn't move as he head the door open, he had already scrunched down as far as he could get and huddled there trying not to let his muscles shake.
Quatre almost didn't see him and wondered if he was in here at all or that he had imagined the humming. But Duo gave away his position when he couldn't control the shaking anymore and it went beyond his muscles to his whole body so that he slid down to lay on the ground and remain frozen there. Quatre's first reaction was that there was something moving across the room in the corner, and now he found that what he had thought to be only a quilt tossed aside turned out to be Duo, covered from head to foot.
Quatre was amazed not to discover his old and dear grown friend, but a small broken child that cried and cowered in the safest place known, under a blanket. He wanted to take away all the hurt that had ever sought out Duo and heal him of all his pains and miseries. As it was Quatre saw that Duo considered himself really and truly hideous and unworthy of anyone's affections. It didn't help that society placed too much importance on looks and with today's technology no one considered that people should go around permanently scared.
Quatre knelt next to Duo; he'd covered the distance without even realizing it. Slowly he let Duo accept his presence, worried about Duo's oxygen level but not willing to risk anything with sudden movements just yet. Not to mention, removing the element that made Duo feel safe would only cause him to become panicked. Quatre merely sat there, letting the silence hang as Duo's ragged breathing stayed at a level just above normal.
"Q-q-quatre?" Duo hated that his voice was so helpless, so hopeless and just begging for reassurance. Quatre had no problem with what Duo needed right now, pure and loving human contact. Sometimes it was just skin touching skin that made all the difference. Quatre remembered how wonderful it was to be draped in his sisters' dress, smell, and the smooth skin of her arms when one of them hugged him. He liked to believe that it was what it was like if his mother was alive and holding him. Now, quilt and all, Quatre lay down with Duo and wrapped his arms tightly around Duo. Duo stiffened like a board and then he began to lash out. Instinctively, he couldn't breath, couldn't see and arms where enveloping him, the only logical answer was that OZ had come for him; they'd found him. He wouldn't die now; they'd keep him alive and do terrible tings...terrible...things.
With his arms finally free, Duo beat down upon the form that sought to contain him, to hurt him. While his fists hit flesh hard enough to find bone Duo worked on freeing his head. So far the solider pinning him down wouldn't relent. He need to get out, he couldn't be trapped her, he still had to save the colonies, he had to- Duo came face to face with Quatre. Quatre was smiling at him, the kind of smile that said he understood, that everything would be all right. Duo felt tears coming up from deep within, tears that hurt so much, that were shameful. Duo buried his face in the quilt that was pressed up to
Quatre's chest.
"I'm sorry" Duo managed to choke up in a whisper.
"I know, it's going to be all right now Duo." Quatre hugged him tight and let Duo get rid off all his tears and pent up emotion he had been forcing down or not even realized he felt. Duo knew that Quatre wouldn't pull away, he looked past Duo's skin to
what was inside and that made Duo feel as if the sun had come out and lit up Quatre's eyes while he cried shamelessly. Maybe, not toady but another time; he would be able to ask Quatre for help.
Duo finally pulled away from Quatre, he remembered why he called Quatre one of his best friends ever, and the shockingly blonde boy had never been less kind, even during war. Duo automatically curled up again to think, unknowingly covering his face and hands. Quatre reached out and yanked on the quilt.
"Don't cover yourself up like that, I can't see how you feel when you do." Quatre smiled at him. Duo's face was a smooth surface of shock at his words.
"But...my scars...my face-"
"Stop right there!" Quatre stood up and looked down at Duo with a no-nonsense look on his face. "While you take residence in my hose I will have no moping and you will wear the cloths I provide for you. And Absolutely, Under No Circumstances, Am I To Hear The Words 'I'm Ugly' or Anything of the like!" Duo froze and didn't utter a word as Quatre looked down steadily at him.
Duo finally nodded, he would abide by these rules set down for him, otherwise where else was left for him to go. Quatre saw that he agreed and let his face fall into his friendly smile. He knew that Duo would need a lot of help at this point, but also discipline to keep him going at times when the solider still inside of him needed it. Right now, Duo needed a little bit of both to get him going down the right path.
"Now, come down and talk to us, we have a lot to catch up on the years we missed seeing each other." Quatre reached out a hand for Duo. With only the briefest of hesitation did Duo take Quatre's hand up and follow him out his door.
'I can do this; it's just a normal evening of talking. People are doing this right now all around the world and through space. Why shouldn't I?' Duo took a seat in a chair across from the couch where Quatre sat.
"Where shall I start?" Quatre asked as Duo sat back into the chair, he felt more comfortable now. Heero was somewhere else and he knew Quatre would talk to him freely.
"Well...umm, how about what you did after, well after we lost contact." Duo had always wondered what had happened to his comrades after he had split off from them. When he had thought about them on lonely nights, only to force them from his mind when it got too painful to do so.
"Sure, we'll start with the business..."
Duo listened attentively till sometime around one in the morning while Quatre relayed stories about all the four pilots. Quatre had taken over business for the Winner's and had taken in Trowa who was right now away on a trip to a far away beach for some relaxation. Quatre was supposed to have joined him, but now Trowa was coming back. At that point Duo and looked down and blushed in shame, but Quatre pushed it
aside as a matter of great importance.
"We can get away any time we want, but we haven't see you in over five
years." Trowa, thoroughly devoted to Quatre now that war was over, was in charge of a small company he had founded for technology development and also helped with Heero at Preventer headquarters. He had become more outgoing also according to Quatre's ratings and smiled more often.
Wu Fei was known to drop by everyone in a while, according to Quatre it was only to check with Heero on his search for Duo. He had been swallowed up by his ever present need for justice and joined the Preventers full time while also perusing his religion towards the deceased Nataku. Though it was downplayed now, he still thought too much on her for Quatre's comfort. He had thought that after the war Wu Fei might have a chance to move beyond that a get a life for himself that he would enjoy completely. Although Duo pointed out that there was little that Wu-man would approve of as a life for himself.
Heero, Duo spent the most time asking questions when the perfect soldier came up, had joined the Preventers in a part time gig and picked up working on broken cars that Quatre bought and then resold once they worked again.
Other than that he had spent his time on the computer Quatre had provided for him in the room that he used while stationing himself under Quatre's roof. Duo was amazed at how many places Heero had left to search for him.
The extent that his search had covered; Duo wondered why Heero hadn't found him earlier and then had to remind himself that he had covered his tracks as well as he had during the war.
When Quatre finally got around to asking Duo what he had been doing Duo froze and felt a chill go down his back. He looked around while glazing over his answer.
"Oh, I just worked from a small apartment by doing firewalls and programming over the net system." Duo found a clock. Score. "Um, Quatre did you realize its one thirty seven?"
Quatre turned and looked at the clock. "I see...well, we should finish this tomorrow when I can give you a full night of my attention." Duo sighed inwardly.
"Yeah, I hope I didn't keep you up too late with questions." Duo stood as Quatre did. Quatre noticed that without realizing it Duo had forgotten his scars, if only for a moment enough to be comfortable.
"It's ok, I don't really have to start till around nine." Quatre thought a moment before he went upstairs. "Would you like a lap top in your room?"
"Huh? For real?" Duo was astonished; he had long gone past the time where anyone ever gave him anything. Most things came with a cost and Duo was all to used to paying for things. But he realized that Quatre was going to give this to him, like a present.
"Yes, for real." Quatre smiled. "I think I remember Heero mentioning that you got a package just before you left that had data in it that pertained to a computer job."
"Th-That Would Be Great!" Duo smiled and his eyes lit up like Quatre hadn't seen in over five years. "You're the best Quat!"
Quatre smiled, he'd missed Duo's nicknames, and that smile. Quatre went upstairs to turn in for the night. Duo looked around. He realized there was light coming from the big dinning room and peeked in. Heero was sitting in the side seat at the head of the long table. There were papers strewn about him and the old and battered laptop in front of him.
"Wow, and here I was hoping that thing got smashed in the last battle." Duo said sidling up behind Heero and looking over his shoulder at the laptop that had occupied so much of Heero's time during the war and was still in perfect working order.
"Huh?" Heero looked up at Duo's words and Duo saw that he had been at this
for some time.
"I think you need a break buddy." Duo said pulling Heero's chair away from the table. Heero clutched the seats arms at the sudden movement. Duo grabbed his arm and pulled him into the kitchen. "How bout a drink?" Duo pulled out two sodas from the large fridge and set one down in front of Heero.
"Uh, thanks." Heero took a sip and slowly let his shoulders relax. Duo pretended to be looking else where while still admiring his broad shoulders and sleek muscles.
"Working hard for Quat?" Duo sipped his own soda and perched himself on the counters edge.
"Yes. He is in need of the plans for a refuge base that is trying to set up perimeters so that they can comense-"
"Whoa man, too much info there." Duo chuckled. This he remembered. Heero always over explaining himself, being perfect in the eyes of everyone and carrying out every action to the utmost efficiency. "How about you just say 'yes' for a change and tell me how you feel."
Heero gave him an odd look and then sighed. "I feel tired and stressed but other wise...fine." Duo set down his drink before he took another sip and chocked. He had never heard Heero use the word 'fine' anytime in of knowing him.
"Umm...No offence or anything Heero, but...well, you've changed. What happened?" Duo looked up from the table and saw Heero looking confused. After a moment Heero seemed to realize what Duo was talking about and his face fell into relaxation. "You are referring to my ability to be 'more human'." Heero put it blatantly.
"Well, not in so many words, but deffinantly showing more emotion." Duo agreed. "When...during the war you never were this open with emotions and such. Now you are and I was wondering what happened since the last time I saw you?"
Heero looked away from Duo's violet eyes that had, just hours ago looked at him with such fear. When he faced them again his own eyes were brimming with an emotion that Duo didn't recognize as them ever holding, almost like sadness and regret.
"Duo..." Heero started and finding no way around it went straightforward.
"During the war you often commented that I was 'in-human' in my ability to, well, 'avoid' emotion." Heero took a breather. "I was more affected by those words then I think you may imagine. After the war I resolved to find what I missed out on 'being a teenager' as you often tried to help each of us do."
Duo was aghast with this sudden sharing of what he thought Heero had never really been capable of. He had thought since Heero had grown up the way he did, that in truth he might never really be human completely, but to have come this far, in the time when Duo hadn't been there for him. A strange feeling filled Duo, for him to have missed all this must have been hard on Heero, he had always thought he was the only thing consistent in Heero's life, trying to cheer him up. Even when there had been no cheer to achieve he had always tried anyway, if anything it was a way to spend time with Heero and talk to him. Now, thing were different and Duo had missed a very important five years of Heero's life and he couldn't get them back.
Duo didn't know what to say after that, and Heero seemed deep in some memory. When Duo finished his soda he simply threw the can away and left the room with a parting comment of "Don't stay up too late, ok."
Duo stood outside the door and tried to think on this, he already knew he wouldn't be able to sleep because of this one conversation. It was way too much information for him to take in on such short notice. Heero had hobbies now, a regular job and a caring personality, or the beginnings of one. Duo was about to turn and go back in, he could talk with Heero more, maybe tomorrow Heero could show him the cars he worked on...
"I wanted to learn to be human with you Duo, you were supposed to show
me how..."
Duo froze at the words, his hand resting on the door, about to push it. Heero had been talking to himself, that was obvious, but had Duo really heard those words? Had Heero really said that or was he imagining things that weren't there again?
Duo turned away silently and went out into the living room and up the stairs. He couldn't hear anything but his own breathing and his heavy heart beat. Silently as he entered his room, Duo dropped into his bed and lay there for a few minutes before dragging the quilt over himself and passing out into exhaustion.
Duo's dreams were, as ever, haunting and disturbing so that he woke up well before dawn and lay staring at the ceiling. He listened hard for when a servant came in and left a heavy box just inside his door and left quietly, thinking Duo still asleep. Duo got up and dressed in what cloths were provided for him. Turns out Quatre had removed all long sleeve shirts from Duo's closet except one and that one was a dress shirt that went with a tuxedo. Duo pulled one of the t-shirts over his head and slipped into a pair of jeans that were slightly too big for him. Duo sighed heavily, everything was wrong. The rain outside only furthered to drag him down. Did the sun ever even shine here?
Duo found a laptop in the box, also a small printer and a digital camera that fit into his palm. There was a pair of speakers that he found under the storing paper and Duo hooked it all up on the provided desk before eight.
Duo found the disk in the package he'd received the day he left his apartment and slipped it into the D drive. Loading it up into files he found documents and an attached message from Harmony45 a long time companion from the net system Duo had worked off of.
"Shinigamii I got your last message, I was away on business, you know how it is. I looked back in files and found what you wanted and the information wasn't that hard to get, if you know where to look. The files I included are access codes to the Backlot's archives and storage housing systems. If you need more info just contact me at the TDK room, and don't worry, I still owed you from the Chick Program you helped me through.
Harmony45"
Duo faintly remembered talking to Harmony45 little over a month ago and
realized what she was talking about. Backlot was an illegal dug trafficking agency that supplied certain anti-depressants Duo had been interested in at the time.
He was even about to close it and toss the disk after erasing it, but just as he was closing a window, a file titled HGL: Happy-Go-Lucky caught his eyes.
Duo wasn't sure what he was doing, but things had gotten so bad now...before he realized it, Duo got a receipt and was talking to Harmony45 in TDK.
Harmony45: YO, long time since I seen ya here
Shinigamii: Yeah, been busy, heard you were too
Harmony45: Yeah, just the usual, you get my disk
Shinigamii: I did, thanks for the info
Harmony45: No problem, you really saved my neck last time, I would've
had trouble responding so fast from lack of fingers if you hadn't stepped
in!
Shinigamii: lol, ok, well I just wanted to say thanks
Harmony45: Hey wait! You know, there's been a demand for your viruses
lately, some buyers want to get into some high security companies to
stop 'injustice' if ya know what I mean
Shinigamii: well, I'm kinda dropping out of the whole thing really, I
found a permanent gig, I think
Harmony45: come on, don't be that naïve, no place is permanent you're
gonna need some back up cash when it falls through
Shinigamii: I'm not sure
Harmony45: think of it this way, it ain't your responsibility once its
sold and it never hurts to have a little extra cash
Heero went upstairs to get Duo, after the talk they had had last night he had realized that he really wanted to know Duo again. This new side of his once best friend was a mystery to him and he wanted to share something with him again.
Duo was going through a rough time right now and would need support, Quatre had suggested that Heero have Duo help him on a car, and it sounded good to him. Heero moved to knock on Duo's door when he noticed that the room was dark from under the door and there was a steady stream of keyboard clicking that only paused shortly and then started up again.
Heero remembered Quatre's comment earlier about giving Duo a laptop to get his work finished with. But that should have been over earlier today. With the least amount of noise, using techniques he hadn't had to since the war, Heero peeked into the room and found that Duo, memorizing the screen briefly from the door then closing it, was working on a virus of some kind. Judging from the brief experience Heero had had with Duo's buyers for his work he wasn't sure this was a good thing. Heero didn't want to act before he got all the details, he could have some other reason for making a virus, though none that Heero thought of as good reasons...but he should consult Quatre first. So Heero went downstairs and began to work on a car that Quatre had purchased recently. He didn't notice that after lunch Duo left the premises.
And since Quatre didn't feel the need to keep servant for the whole day and security was base on the fact that they were so far from civilization, no one else did either.
Duo found the car half-a-mile down the road, just as they had promised. A Young woman with sleek black hair, a tattoo of a teardrop under her eye in a red dress that went well with her black convertible.
"Hey sexy, you free tonight?"
"Only if you are headed for the horizon." Duo gave the response
necessary for a password. The woman smiled.
"Here ya go Cutie, don't overdose and we'll supply you when you're low. I live in the nearest town if ya run into trouble. Names Melinda." She handed a small bottle to Duo and gave him a sweet smile.
"Yeah, thanks." Duo looked at the bottle and stuffed it into his pocket. Ignoring Melinda as she stared outright at the scars on his exposed arms. "I think I'll be fine."
"Just in case, Hun." Melinda revved her car and did a u-turn back toward town.
Duo turned back towards Quatre's mansion and ignored the steady drizzle that had already soaked him clear through. He had what he wanted, and things would get better now.