Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self explanatory title: Fan Fiction.
I'd like to apologize for the spelling errors and such, chapters 1-6 were all done on a completely different and older computer…and typed about four years ago. I am just not getting around to writing it again. And I promise to try and make it better! I have had more experience writing now, and I hope to slowly make up for the mistakes I made earlier.
Someone mentioned that I made Duo a bit of a wimp…I realize this, I made it that way on purpose since it is a fan fiction and I wanted to try a different approach…and I wanted Duo in the depths of depression, a place where he can hopefully be rescued from or keep falling deeper into…such as with real depression. But I take the criticism seriously and work from it, so don't think I'm just smashing them back…but I do feel the need to defend my fic. Still, I thank you for your input. Your contribution helps me fix what's wrong with my writing… which I still think needs editing.
ScarsPart seven: Joy and Rage
Duo ran up the stairs to his room and quickly ditched his damp cloths for new ones. He hoped sincerely that the help was not taking to close a look at how many times he changed, but maybe they only thought he spent his time in the garden, rather than his latest deed.
Duo went to the bathroom and looked around, there was no medicine cabinet, no drawers, and he considered the dresser but dismissed that as too obvious. The closet was left behind for the same reason. Then Duo stood in the middle of his room and stared at the window seat.
He walked over to it and pried at the inside corner of the cushion. It gave after a few tugs and he examined the woodwork beneath it. He found a small space next to a pipe and then popped open the bottle he held tightly in his hand. After spilling out one pill he then shoved the bottle in the small space and tucked the cushion back into space.
Stepping back to admire his work, Duo was satisfied to see it was a perfect hiding place and didn't look as if it had been disturbed at all. Duo went back to the bathroom and swallowed the small white pill with water from the tap. Duo stood there a few seconds…he knew it wasn't fast acting…but if it had been a hoax he would have reacted by now.
Duo went back into his room and looked around. The new laptop seemed to belong in the room with him. The bed had been made while he'd been out, that didn't bother him. His dirty cloths from yesterday were gone, replaced by this mornings'. Glancing at a small digital clock told him it was now it was time for lunch.
Walking slowly downstairs, Duo strained his ears for the sound of Heero in the dinning room. Hearing nothing he continued, he felt almost as if Heero would take one look at him and know what was up. Duo heard a car outside and froze. He almost turned and ran upstairs again. Instead he opted to venture forth and hid in the dinning room where he was almost next to the back door to the kitchen and could see a carport.
Duo watched as Quatre stepped out of a luxury black car and was meet by Heero who came out of the garage. Duo was almost in shock from seeing Heero, he looked almost as he had in the picture he'd found in the dark room. But something was different, and Duo realized that the Heero in the picture he'd seen had been at ease and relaxed, almost happy, this Heero was pissed.
He approached Quatre with an angry steep in his walk and stopped just short of him, wiping grease off his hands. Duo was surprised to find he could hear them almost perfectly through the glass. He missed a few words here and there, but could fill them in with lip reading.
"Don't look at me like that Heero, I think the lap top was a good idea." Quatre sighed and reached back into the car to pick up a briefcase.
"He's still up in his room, Duo used to never give me a moments rest during the war, it was a mistake." Heero frowned hard. Duo swallowed hard from his vantage point.
"Duo needs familiarity right now. And how can you base his whole existence on how he acted during the war. Haven't I changed, haven't you?" Quatre stood in the open door of the carport, watching the rain.
"I am not judging him." Duo saw anger behind Heero's eyes, but not for him, for his own hurt pride. Duo smirked to himself. That was the Heero he knew. Although, he was still talking a lot more than Duo ever remembered him saying to anyone.
"Duo is emotionally scarred as well as physically, I'm almost sure any other person would have cracked under the conditions in which he was living." Duo almost felt offended, but then let it slide off as a compliment in his own mind.
"I realize this, which is why he should not be alone in that dark room talking to those kind of people he left behind only a short while ago." Heero was clutching his rag tightly; Duo wished he were elsewhere now. He felt slightly sick and mortally ashamed.
"The reason Duo did not crack under that pressure is because he is a Gundam Pilot, he does things at his own pace." Heero looked as if he were about to interrupt but Quatre cut him off, "So let's let him alone to do just that. He'll recover from this, we got him out of that harmful environment and that is what counts."
"Exactly, he is recovering quickly, I think this access will hinder him rather than help." Heero seemed adamant in his argument over this.
"I am guessing you are referring to his recovery." Quatre smiled coyly.
"Even you must admit that it seem unnatural and hazardous. He was asleep for three days, and then on the forth day I found him climbing trees." Heero looked worried now, more than angry. Duo felt a stab in his heart; Heero felt compassion, if not only for just a friend, for him.
"And yet he still looked the worse for ware. He seems to be healing at an accelerated rate, but only on the inside. And I noticed his appetite is back." Duo could almost imagine Quatre skipping about the fields surrounding them in the smugness of his voice. "No doubt the rest of him will catch up sooner rather than later. He seems to be making progress either way. And you can't take the lap top away from him now Heero, can you?" Quatre look at him in an almost condescending way, but it was the almost that saved him.
"No, I can't." Heero admitted.
"So it's settled." Quatre concluded. "Might we go eat now?"
Duo didn't wait to see anymore, he raced back along the room and into the front room and halfway up the stairs. He paused there, waiting for the sound of doors opening till he started moving again. But such emotions were churning in his mind. Was Heero really considering his well being, or simply regarding him as another mission that needed to succeed? Did Quatre really believe all he had said? And most importantly, Duo regarded his ribs. He hadn't even noticed when he'd stripped off the brace, by right he should have hurt for days, instead, after a rest of sleeping for three days straight, he had gone out and climbed trees, and scaled the face of a building.
With all of his gallivanting about, Duo was surprised that Heero had not caught him doing that. Duo heard the door close and began a slower decent of the stairs as he had the first time down, pretending to look for someone who was up and about like he was.
Quatre's voice was just beyond the door as Duo reached the last few steps.
"Quat, that you?" Duo called out and felt foolish for doing so, but Quatre stepped trough the door with a bright smile just the same and Duo found himself smiling back.
"What are you doing home so early?" Duo didn't need to force happiness at this prospect, though he highly suspected that Heero had called him home from the conversation he had just witnessed.
"I decided to ditch work and have lunch with you and Heero today." Quatre smiled big and opened the door for Duo into the dinning room.
"A wise choice." Duo took a seat at the table across from Heero, but avoided his gaze, he sorely hopped that Heero didn't notice.
"I hope my choice of lunch was as well." Quatre put bags onto the table and Duo grabbed the one closest to him and stuck his nose in. The warm steam of Fried Chicken filled his nose and made him sigh in joy.
"I love chicken!" Duo pulled out a drumstick and bit down.
"Hold up Duo, let me get plates!" Quatre laughed whole-heartedly.
Heero stared across the table at Duo who was trying to focus only on the chicken. Duo felt light as a feather as he began to digest the poultry, almost ignoring Heero completely. Yet after only a few more moment he could no longer take being stared at with such ferocity.
"What is it Heero, eh?" Duo bit down on the chicken again and said with a full mouth, "Either say it or spray it, but don't keep that kinda stuff inside, you'll become constipated." Heero seemed to falter under this.
Duo started laughing and had to put a hand over his mouth before his chicken spilled out on the nice stained wood. He was still laughing at the look on Heero's face when Quatre returned with plates, and had to put his chicken down before he could finish.
Wiping tears away from the corners of his eyes, Duo looked at Heero again, who was giving him a more confused look than ever and smiled. "S'matter Heero?"
"Nothing." Heero said curtly and then began to eat.
"Suit yourself!" Duo chirped and began to spoon mashed potatoes for himself onto his plate. He felt giddy, felt happy, felt like he had just after the war, like he could take on the world and then some and fly a kite at the same time. He was so carefree; he could almost reach behind all these low hanging clouds and grab the sun to pull it out to shine on the weary day.
Quatre began to talk avidly with him as they got caught up in each other's enthusiasm. Duo jumped up as he finished his food, he took his dishes to the sink, still talking over his shoulder to Quatre and then hurried back to jump in his chair again. Quatre laughed and Duo reveled in the sound, it felt just like old times, just like…
Duo froze mid-sentence. His stomach had just lurched. He gave a small laugh; maybe he'd just eaten too much. He began to talk again to Quatre.
"So I sat waiting for this hacker to come back and try again, I had the perfect trap set up. Of course he came back, and I was waiting for him!" Duo decided he'd just take a nap later and let his food digest. "You're gonna love this, what I did wa-"
Duo gasped for air as a tight, sharp pain raged through his stomach. He cringed and saw Heero look up from his own plate and stare at him with suddenly worried eyes. Duo tried to smile, by this time Quatre was starting to stand up.
"Um, excuse me, I think I ate too quickly." Duo stood up slowly, then he left the room as fast as he could and still walk instead of run.
"Damn!" Duo cursed as pain hit him again just at the foot of the stairs. He ground his teeth together, determined to get to his room. Halfway up the stairs, pain went from his stomach up into his chest. Duo clutched his side hard and stopped. His hand gripped the banister so hard that his fingers turned white and he couldn't feel them anymore. It was an odd feeling, standing there and not being sure he was holding on, even though he was looking right at his hand.
Duo waited for the wave of pain to end and then took the stairs as fast as he could. This time he made it to his room before he got another bashing. Duo found himself very suddenly on the floor. He was on his hands and knees, gasping for air as the pain brought tears to his eyes.
"SHIT!" Duo screamed as the pain erupted in his chest and started to climb up his neck and down his spine. He thought he was going to explode from the inside out. He could think of only one thing to do. He crawled to the bathroom, leaned against the porcelain of the toilet and stuck his finger down the back of his throat. He had to do it twice before his gag reflex kicked in full and his stomach pumped the food out of him.
Duo retched; hot stomach acid burning while it came up his esophagus. It came out his nose and his ears and eyes burned. He kept going until finally he was dry heaving. He felt hot and sweaty, but cold and clammy at the same time. He wanted to fall over to the tiled floor and lay still, but instead opted for leaning against the wall. He reached out and flushed the toilet. He could still taste it in his mouth and smell it in his nose, it was all he could smell, not even the powerful air freshener up on the sink penetrated this vile smell.
Duo wanted to cough, wanted to go to the sink and swallow as much water as he could, wanted to wash his mouth out till the taste was gone. But he didn't move, he felt fear in all his joints, waiting for the pain to come back, expecting it. Duo looked up and saw Heero in the doorway.
"Are you ok?" Heero's voice seemed so deep and echoed against all the tile. He was looking down at him with something similar to concern, but also with a hint of disgust. Duo could understand that. No one liked to puke, or witness puke.
"I think I'm ok now. I ate too quickly. Too much." Duo rasped. He coughed and felt another headache surface. He hated headaches, and they seemed to get more and more frequent.
Duo watched as Heero walked to the sink and ran cool water over a washcloth. He kneeled down in front of Duo and handed it too him. Duo grunted his thanks and took it in his shaking hand. He ran it over his face and then over his mouth. He loved the coolness of it, but shivered as he ran it along the back of his neck. He checked his bangs for residue and made sure his braid stayed up off the floor now that he was aware of it.
"I think I'm good." Heero offered Duo a hand up and Duo took it, loving the ease with which Heero pulled him up to his feet. Heero paused at the door while Duo leaned over the sink and washed out his mouth, he also blew his nose while he was still there.
Duo looked up then, expecting to see himself and came face to face with his blanket. Duo jerked in shock. He'd been ready to look up and see his face…no that was wrong, he'd been expecting to see his old face, the smiling, smudged with grease, unscarred face he had during the war…
He heard heavy breathing and realized he was gasping for air. He felt Heero's warmth, just beyond him, hesitating…
Duo put his hand to his face and felt stitches, swollen skin, pain just below the surface. Duo stumbled back away from the sink and felt Heero catch him before he careened over the edge of the tub.
"Duo?" Heero's voice came form just next to his ear. Duo was startled by how close it was, he felt pain again, sharp and almost metallic in his gut. Duo doubled over and his knees gave out as Heero suddenly had to support all his weight.
Duo cried out as Heero's hands tightened around his waist in an effort to keep his standing. The hands moved to right under his arms and Duo whimpered as he was dragged out of the bathroom. He wasn't sure what was happening. He felt dizzy, disorientated, lost, and falling.
"Quatre!" Heero's voice was loud next to him as Duo was put on his bed. He tried to help, tried to claw his way up onto the bed, but he could feel Heero doing most of the work. Duo waited for the pain to go away, but it just assaulted his organ again and again until Duo was sure he would fall off the bed in spasm.
He heard urgent voices. Felt hands holding him down to the bed, he wanted to curl into a tight ball, but they wouldn't let him.
"Heero!" Duo managed to call out through ragged breathing.
"I'm right here." A voice answered.
"What's happening?" Duo cried out as pain came again and he closed his eyes tight.
"Just try and ride it out." Heero had no answer for him, he didn't know either. Duo held back tears, Damnit, but he was not going to cry again. He wouldn't curl up and accept it this time. Duo searched inside himself until he found a quiet place. Not darkness, but stark white. He let go of the noise and the pain, and refused to feel it. Duo's body was still riddled with muscle spasm and the breaking of smaller blood vessels, but his mind was calm.
The war didn't allow you to stop and think, if you did, you went insane. Instead you ignored most of it and just kept going. Duo stared up calmly at the ceiling and waited for his body to stop. No tears, no more crying out, just waiting. He saw Heero's face briefly, contorted in something that was almost fear, and more like realization.
"Do it!" He heard him say. And Duo felt the needle go in the crook of his arm and then ever so slowly, one muscle at a time, the pain stopped. The liquid was absorbed into his system and began to work instantly. Duo waited, and gradually the hands of a doctor and two nurses released him.
"Duo?" Heero asked as Duo finally lay still and quiet.
"Yeah." Duo confirmed that he could hear Heero and that he had no more pain, in answer to Heero's implied question.
"What was that?" Quatre asked the doctor, he still looked slightly terrified, his eyes a little too wide and his hair mussed in the front where he'd run his hands through it.
"I am not sure…" The doctor hesitated to give any explanation to what had just taken place.
Duo ignored them and tried to come back to himself. And suddenly he realized he was already there. There was nowhere else to go, he was just there. But it felt suddenly empty to be there. Duo looked around and came slowly in the realization that he really didn't care. If he had died the outcome would have been the same, no more pain. But he'd felt something while the pain was there, now he felt nothing.
Duo looked up at Heero talking to the doctor and then looked over at Quatre. Nothing. Duo knew that alone should call up feelings, he should feel something about not feeling anything. But he just felt numb. The only thing he could call up at all was despair.
Duo started to sit up and caught sight of his arm. He screamed. All attention was very suddenly back on him. Duo saw the eyes and panic filled him. He shoved away from them; he grabbed the blanket up and screamed.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME!" He covered his hideous body and slammed against the wall in frustration. Why the hell had Quatre taken away all his long sleeves?
"Duo?" He felt Quatre put a hand on his shoulder.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He yelled at Quatre, kicking out in reaction and hitting his friend in the shin.
Heero stared at him in the dark room and the whole world came to a screeching halt. He felt emotions scrabbling to escape. But pulled in the reigns and shut down till his face was a mask of black emotions.
"Everybody out!" He ordered in a voice that offered no room for argument. Duo listened, back up against the wall as everyone filed out, he counted in his head the number of bodies that left the room, then the door closed and he knew Heero was still there. Heero moved.
"Don't come near me!" Duo ordered from under his blanket, the embarrassment of the situation never entering his mind.
"Ok. I'll stay right here." Heero made a little noise so that Duo knew where he was without looking out from under his blanket.
"Ok. Good, good." Duo concentrated on breathing.
"What now?" Heero asked after a few seconds pause.
"Let me think!" Duo pleaded. He hated this all; hate consumed him, hatred towards himself, and utter despair at the situation. And Duo realized that the pill he'd taken earlier hadn't been completely absorbed into his body; he'd puked what was left of it up. Nothing was in his system now except for what they'd injected him with.
"I can't stay here!" He said it out loud as it came to him.
"Why not?" Heero asked.
"I want to go back to my apartment!" Duo grasped about, trying to think of a reason why that Heero would accept.
"Why?" Heero asked again.
"I'm a danger to you." Duo grasped a hair of a chance.
"Is that true, or do you simply wish to hide away again so no one will see your scars?" It was a harsh blow at the truth. Heero was taking a risk, but he could only move forward, it was the only way he knew.
"Yes…No!" Duo rocked back against the wall. "I mean, Carigan."
"Who is Carigan?" Heero asked.
"An employer." Duo felt his muscles shaking and wrapped his arms around himself to stop them. "He'll come after me, I didn't finish a program he wanted."
"We'll protect you, you don't have to give him anything." Heero offered.
"But I do, he's powerful Heero, He owns companies." Duo reasoned. "He always gets what he wants, I just need to get back to my apartment and finish it for him. It'll be fine, I just need to finish it."
"Then what?" Heero asked. "Why can't you finish it here?"
"He…they'll…" Duo felt panicked again.
"Stop running away from me Duo!" Heero stopped being non-threatening and pushed away from the wall. He walked straight towards Duo till he was finally knelling in front of him. He reached out and grabbed Duo's shoulder with one hand. But with that one hand he held on tightly.
"No excuses this time Duo." He waited.
Duo wouldn't come out of the blanket, but he did nod. He felt like complete shit…and also mad that he had just let Heero walk all over him…but he really had no moral high ground to stand on.
"Ok. You should sleep. When you're ok with it, we have to have the doctor look at you again." Heero left and wouldn't hear any of Duo's arguments against a doctor. Heero let him calm down, waiting outside his door. He knew when Duo fell asleep and then went and got the doctor.
He helped the doctor get Duo back on the bed and then watched as the doctor examined Duo. He moved around the scars, examining the sun-blistered skin, the small cuts and scratches, the stitches, the new bruises that screamed purple against his pale skin. He poked about his ribs and took his blood pressure.
The doctor motioned them out of the room, and gathered the two soldiers in the dinning room where the rest of their lunch left uneaten.
"Was this all he had?" The doctor asked motioning to the chicken meal.
"Yes." Quatre confirmed.
"It wasn't the food then. I can't say it for certain, but it might be the injuries he sustained before arriving here." The doctor looked at them nervously.
"But…that beating Duo took, he's almost completely healed from it. He still has the sun burns from the beach, but his ribs and bruises, they've been fine the last couple of days." Quatre argued. Heero silenced him with a look and then looked expectantly at the doctor again.
"It appears to me as if his body either healed too fast or simply gave the appearance of being healed. But when Duo began to move about again, he ruptured something and his body cant take it." The doctor looked properly ashamed of himself for also having belied Duo's wellness.
"So, he's still injured." Heero asked point blank.
"Yes, he needs to stay in bed until we can confirm with x-rays that his body is completely healed.
"And his mental state?" Heero asked.
"I'm no psychiatrist, but in this profession I've seen my fair share of psychosis. Duo is in a very deep pit of depression. But being a Gundam pilot, he has certain defense mechanisms that allow him to keep going, he just bottles it all up. But now that you've allowed him a chance to take a break from that and look around, it's surfacing and consuming him. The Scars seem to be a big part of that. He's sees himself as deformed. I suggest you hire an experienced psychologist. Duo is not beyond help, but he's knocking at that door."
Quatre looked crestfallen and Heero appeared cold and harsh while something inside of his screamed.
"Understood." Heero excused the doctor. Heero paused, thinking hard to himself…something else was wrong, he could feel it. The old Duo really wouldn't have just given up like this over a bunch of scars. The Duo he remembered from the war, though a ghost only in his mind, was still vivid and alive. He would have paraded around in something that showed off his scars to their full extent just to get a reaction. Something was completely and terribly wrong with this whole picture.
"Heero?" Quatre interrupted his thoughts. He looked up into concerned eyes.
"Hn." He grunted, he needed to think this over and possible research the problem a bit more, but before that, other things needed to be done.
"I'm going to contact a Therapist, I know someone and he can keep this all in the strictest of confidence, and he's the best I know." Quatre waited for Heero's nod and then left the room for his office and his Rolodex.
Heero went for his own room…pausing at his door to glance over at Duo's…it was still quiet in there; he could just barely make out Duo's breathing. He was deffinantly going to get to the bottom of this.
Duo sat uncomfortably in front of the tall man. He had large gray eyes and dusty blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. He had folded himself down into the chair in front of him a little over three minutes ago and sat there smiling at Duo. But Duo would be damned if he let this man see him squirm.
He'd woken early this morning with nothing to do, in the predawn gray of the morning. Duo had gotten up and dressed. He'd walked around the mansion for a bit…spending some more time in the garden. Then he'd ended up back in his room on the laptop Quatre had given him. Duo had been on for about three hours when Heero and Quatre had knocked at the door. Duo had felt outraged when they told him a therapist was coming to evaluate him. He felt betrayed and angered, but he plastered a small smile on his face and agreed to meet with Dr. Allen Hobbs. Duo was waiting for the Doctor to make the first move, but apparently the doctor was waiting for him.
Duo finally did break under the pressure though…he didn't like the smile on the doctor's face.
"I'm not crazy!" Duo didn't realize his own words would be laced with such malice until after they were out of his mouth.
"I didn't think you were." Dr. Allen, his preference even though Duo would have liked to call him something else, assured him. "Would you draw a tree for me?" Dr. Allen held out paper and crayons. Duo sneered at him.
"A house then?" Dr. Allen put the drawing supplies down on the table. "Or how about your family?" He saw Duo about to make a smart remark to this one and cut him off. "I know your past, I merely mean the people you consider to be your family."
Duo considered the doctor. "A tree." Duo snatched up the paper and a few select crayons. He began to doodle a tree, like the one he climbed out in Quatre's garden.
"And I'm not going to kill myself or anything." Duo snapped, he could feel the doctor's eyes on him.
"I was thinking nothing of the sort, just wondering why you seem so ashamed of your scars. I would think you'd be proud of them." Duo flinched and then smiled manically.
"Proud…let me tell you something about pride." Duo sat forward in the overstuffed chair, setting his tree aside. He'd just have to explain it all to the good doctor, no way getting around it. And he knew Heero, the boy wouldn't give up, even if he chased this doctor away, there would be more to come after that. Best to finish it quick.
Duo retired to his room after the session had gone on for an hour and a half. He looked stressed and tired and Heero and Quatre made no objection to this. After he'd retreated Heero turned to Dr. Allen and demanded to see his notes.
"I can't show them to you. Duo has not signed a release for allowing you to be regarded as his guardian, and is old enough to act as his own." Heero looked ready to argue this issue, but the doctor was fully prepared for such reactions.
"As it stands, I will discuss some other things with you." Quatre put a hand on Heero's arm to calm his down and allowed the doctor to continue.
"Duo's mind is not plagues by psychosis that might do him harm, though he is jaded, as you all are, from the war. However, he is in a deep depression. He cannot pull out of this one on his own, he will need your support." Dr. Allen informed them.
"What about medication, an anti-depressant?" Quatre asked anxiously. He really didn't want to put Duo on a pill, but if it would help…
"No. I do not think a pill would solve his problems right now. I strongly suggest against it, in fact. Some Anti-depressants tend to be addictive, and an addiction problem is the last thing he needs right now. I think an anti-depressant at this point would only harm Duo, not help." Dr. Allen concluded. Quatre nodded and Heero agreed silently. They saw the doctor out to his car. While upstairs Duo was pulling back the window seat and pulling out his HGL and popping the lid.
Duo stared down at the pill in his hand. Maybe if he didn't eat. Or only ate a little. He popped it and then hid the case again. He double-checked and triple-checked to make sure it wasn't visible that he'd pried apart the window seat and then tucked himself into bed. A short nap might help.
Duo woke about two hours later, feeling great. He decided to forgo a meal, just incase and go investigate in Heero's garage projects. He felt light walking down the stairs. The pills worked…he'd need to order more. He just needed to be wary of this little hitch, no heavy meals and taking it easy. That was the key; he'd have this thing licked in no time. He'd show Heero, he was still Shinigamii!