Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.
I thought since I left you at a bad place last time that I would forgo Locked Doors this time so I could bring you chapter 11 of Scars. So here it is.
Scars
Part eleven: Facing the Music
Duo felt pain washing over his body, wave after wave, again and again. He wanted it to stop, begged for it to stop. But he couldn't hear his voice screaming like he wanted to. His stomach clenched and unclenched and Duo was sure he would die of suffocation from pukeing so much. He couldn't catch his breath between heaves.
Duo couldn't open his eyes, they stayed shut and he wasn't really sure where he was anymore. The last thing he remembered was Heero screaming at him. Duo prayed to any God that would listen that he would never again pop a pill that wasn't prescribed by a doctor if only he could get one good breath. Duo felt someone opening his mouth, forcing fingers over his tongue and shoving something into his mouth.
Duo's gag reflex was fighting whatever was being forced into his mouth, but gave out after it pushed past. Duo felt the intrusion sliding down his throat and into his stomach. The sensation was almost worse than shattered bone, which Duo had experienced before. His body felt as if it were being turned inside out. Duo screamed, but the thing down his throat swallowed that too as it ate away at his body.
A black abyss tinged the edge of Duo's vision and Duo welcomed it, he recognized the darkness that would end this all.
"Duo!" Duo jerked at the words and his body reacted again. Duo fought the pain to hear that voice again. "Duo! Stop fighting it!"
Duo wasn't sure what the voice was talking about, but he wanted to trust the voice. It was warm and familiar, commanding. Duo knew that this voice spoke only truths to him and that he would do whatever he could to obey it. This voice was protection.
"Duo, you have to relax, your muscles are still making this nearly impossible." The voice explained to him. Making what impossible, Duo thought. But he still tried to do what the voice said. He strained for control over the fits that wrought his body to decimation. He searched inside for the switch he knew was there, the trigger that would turn off his mind and let the pain take over. Duo concentrated, feeling as if he were drowning, burning up inside.
"Duo, It's ok, I've got you! Safe!" That was all it took, that one word from that one voice and suddenly it was as if Duo knew it was all right to surrender completely. Duo's mind shut down as the darkness that had been pressing in on the edges advanced in a tidal wave. Even though, somewhere he'd known all along that he wasn't in the war anymore, that he needn't have fought like that, Heero's voice telling him that he was safe where he was had prompted his final submission.
"Duo, can you hear me?" Duo was floating, but there was a promise of pain pressing against the back of his eyes that warned him to stay where he was. But Heero's voice forced him out of that quiet place where nothing hurt, into a world of pain.
Duo felt pain everywhere; there wasn't a spot on his body that was safe. Inside and out he burned so that he was sure he was being cooked alive, and yet terrible shivers took motor controls out of his hands.
"Duo? You need to answer so I know you can hear me." Heero's voice was so calm and cool; Duo held onto the sound tightly, as if he could take that quality into himself and stop the pain.
Duo opened his mouth to talk and breathed in fresh air, his throat was dry and hurt, he could feel the build up of blood and vomit at the back of his throat. He needed to cough it up, but first he wanted Heero to know that he could hear him.
Duo managed to say Heero's name, but it didn't sound like what he'd meant to say. Duo heard his voice crack and a hard wheeze rattle his lungs. He tried again, but couldn't get past that build up. His throat ached and burned with each breath.
Duo felt hands on him, strong hands that took control and let him submit to the pain. He felt rough, coarse hands on his face and then he breathed in, not cool air, but heavy air that only hurt more. Duo realized he'd been wearing an oxygen mask. He felt something cold on his lips that melted almost instantly. It was hard to differentiate between hot and cold, but Duo recognized the ice chip on his lips. He greedily opened his mouth as much as he dared and felt one placed on his tongue.
He let the little bit of water slide down his throat, but the moment it tickled his uvula Duo began to choke. He began to cough, and then couldn't breathe. Duo felt two pairs of strong arms lift him up so that he was sitting. He hadn't known that he'd been lying down, but the change of positions helped. Duo took in a large breath of air and tried to hold onto his stomach as he coughed again. He felt his face hit something hard and as he finally opened his eyes he saw a basin before him.
Through tears, Duo watched as the clot from the back of his throat came up and landed almost neatly in the basin. Duo took heavy breaths and the mask was put back on his face.
"We're going to lay you back down now, ok?" Duo nodded, he recognized Trowa's voice. Heero and Trowa lowered him back down onto the pillow. Heero put aside the basin he'd held for Duo, and turned back to him.
"Better?" Duo nodded again. A throbbing headache was smashing around in his brain, but he hadn't liked that coagulation growing back there. He concentrated on breathing and closed his eyes again.
The sound of a door opening made Duo open his eyes again, the lights were dim and the room was a lot darker. Duo was surprised to realize that he'd been asleep. He saw Heero sitting near by in what almost looked like a comfortable chair. There was a folded blanket next to him and a small pillow. Like the ones found on planes or ships meant for public travel. He sat there with his head tipped forward and his hair spilled into his face in messy clumps. He was asleep.
The door opening was a nurse. She wore blue scrubs with mini storm clouds dancing across them. She gave Duo a small smile and walked over to check his IV's. Duo realized he looked like a pincushion. He had several IV's, one for liquid nutrients, one that appeared to be pain medication, two that were vitamin boosters, and one that he couldn't identify. That scared him most, but he knew Heero wouldn't let them stick him with something dangerous, so he squashed that fear and watched as she moved to a tube that had no bag. Duo was shocked to find that the tube led to another needle in him that had just been resting there. She hooked him up to a bag of…Blood!
Duo protested at that point. He made as much noise as he could, trying to make coherent words come out of his mouth. He tried to ask why he was being pumped full of blood but couldn't quite get his tongue wet enough to form the words.
Heero jerked awake at the sound of Duo's voice and found a woman standing over him, holding down his arms as Duo protested as best he could. Heero reacted without thinking and almost grabbed the woman in a headlock. But it was at that moment that Quatre came into the room with a small tray of food. He saw Heero on hair trigger instincts, anger blazing in his eyes. He saw the nurse holding down Duo, who was near flailing and ripping out the needles in his arms and body.
"What's going on here?" Quatre raised his voice so that all three people froze and looked at him. Heero seemed to come back to himself and realized where they were; he stood there, still as anything, and became composed. The nurse let go of Duo as he relaxed and lay back, quietly waiting for an explanation, but not liking it. Quatre was glad to see the anger in Duo's face. He knew that his fellow pilot had never been taken with hospitals, that he'd rather suture himself than be taken to an emergency room. Duo's anger was understandable, but it was better than just watching him lay still, breathing shallowly, and his body fighting to stay alive, hour after hour.
"Mr. Winner, I thought Mr. Maxwell was having another fit, he might've forced the needles out." The nurse explained.
"I think he just woke and was confused as to what you were doing. We'll take it from here." Quatre moved to stand between her and Heero. "We'll press the call button if we need anything."
The nurse nodded and left, though she didn't like it. Quatre's shoulder relaxed as she left and he felt Heero let go of his tension as well. Duo stared at them both, with anger and expectation. Heero moved to his side quickly and picked up a fresh cup of ice chips that Quatre had brought on the tray. There was also food for Heero and Duo watched quietly as he finally realized that Heero hadn't woken until he'd made some noise. For him not to have woken when the nurse first came him meant that he'd been dead asleep. Duo wondered what had happened since he'd been out and how long he'd been unconscious exactly.
Heero removed his mask again and placed some ice chips on his mouth. Duo didn't like being hand fed, but he accepted it from Heero. If Heero didn't offer the cup for Duo to fed himself then it probably meant that he wasn't well enough. And he was so dry his throat ached.
Once Duo could swallow easier, he tried talking again. "What happened?" He managed to whisper.
"The ambulance brought you here, to the hospital in town, do you remember what happened before that?" Heero asked.
Duo nodded, heat washing over him, he felt shame flood him, it tasted of the bile still in his mouth.
"They had to pump your stomach and start a blood transfusion." Heero explained. So that's why I'm hooked up to all this shit. Duo nodded.
"What day?" He asked, unsure of how much time had passed.
"You've been hospitalized for four days now. You've woken up about three times." Heero replied. So that was why the nurse had gotten in undetected. Heero must have been awake most of that time for him to just collapse like that. Duo didn't like it, it meant that he'd probably been in critical condition, and he didn't even remember waking up a third time.
"I'm going to go and find Trowa." Quatre suddenly said, Duo's eyes went wide as he watched him leave none to subtly.
An awkward silence filled the room that made Duo wish he could just pass out again.
"Duo?" Heero finally asked.
"Hm?" Duo didn't look up, from the sound of Heero's voice; he already knew he didn't want to see the look on his face, the face of someone he wanted so much. That is…he wanted respect from Heero, respect!
"Those pills…" Heero left it hanging in the air, not quite a question, but not quite a statement.
"HGL's." Duo replied, reluctant to tell Heero what the acronym stood for. "Black Market Anti-Depressant."
"What?" Heero asked, and Duo did look up at that.
"What did you think it was Heero?" Duo suddenly found anger, ready and bubbling under the surface. He felt something inside him straining to break. Or maybe he was on the verge of another fit again. Whatever it was, he didn't care, he sat guilt in Heero and he hated it. "You thought I was just getting high, you thought I'd gone looking for a way to get kicks and escape myself, didn't you!"
"You were in a constant state of self loathing, it is only natural that I would assume you would-"
"What?" Duo cut him off, "That I would go out looking for any drug that would get me high enough that I could forget that I'm a monstrosity of scar tissue that most surgeons strain to look at?" Duo wanted to really hit Heero right then.
"Did you think I just dove into that half-life I was living! The first thing I did as soon as I could walk out of that hospital was go visit every plastic surgeon I could find! I'm too skinny; they can't take the flesh from somewhere else on my body. Some suggested Cadavers, some showed me the results from lasers, one guy wanted to take my scars and connect them into some gruesome work of art!" Duo felt all his fears coming back. He remembered all to well his journey from waiting room to waiting room.
How he'd tried to hide all he could as children stared at him over the backs of chairs. How mother's pulled the kids away if they tried to talk to him, or even if he just gave them a small smile back. How the doctors had stared for hours at his exposed body, thinking so hard that they couldn't hear him. They saw a challenge in him, something they could accomplish and be remembered for. Not only was he nearly scared beyond recognition in some places, but also, he was a war hero.
The recognition he could have earned for some of those men and women would have had them set for life, they eagerly called specialists and fellow doctors, nearly fighting over him. Duo shuddered, but he wouldn't let Heero see how it had affected him.
"Believe it or not, I want to be better. I don't delight in my depression, and I want to be comfortable with how I looked. I never even really thought about it before, except for my hair I really didn't walk around looking at myself in any reflective surface I could find. But now I cant even stand to see myself reflected back in a Goddamned spoon!"
"I'm sorry Duo." Heero looked shell shocked. Duo found himself dizzy from yelling. He sat back hard and closed his eyes. He tried not to let go of Heero's voice; he wanted to stay awake this time.
"It was wrong of me to assume anything about you."
"Damn right!" Duo grunted through clenched teeth.
"I wont presume to know what you are thinking or feeling anymore."
"You better not!" Duo felt a little better; maybe he and Heero could start over.
"I'll go now."
"Huh?" Duo opened his eyes in disbelief, good feeling gone.
Heero was headed towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Duo didn't like the way his voice cracked, but his voice wouldn't go up to that octave without giving out.
"I'm leaving, Quatre will monitor you now. I can see that I have been of no help. It was wrong of me to assume that I could simply take you out of one environment and put you in another and expect you to thrive." Duo felt the coldness and distance in his voice. He was talking about Duo like he was some endangered species that someone was trying to save.
Duo was flabbergasted and Heero got to the door before he found his voice again.
"I don't want you to go!" Duo instantly wished he could reach out into the air and take his words back. He cringed as Heero stopped with his hand on the door. He'd let it slip and now Heero deffinantly wouldn't stay. He felt helpless as he looked away in shame; he hadn't meant to ever say those words out loud. Heero was straight and…well…he'd just never meant to say anything even remotely hinting at such a thing.
"Why?"
Duo looked up, Heero had turned around a was staring at him with those Cobalt blue eyes that cut through everything Duo said or did. Duo couldn't speak, but this time it wasn't because of his condition. He wasn't sure what to say, it was too late to try and pretend he'd never said anything. It was too late to turn his words into something else; he'd said them too loudly and too clearly. All he could do was charge on, whatever the out come.
"Because, it's better when you're there." Duo mumbled, but Heero heard him, Duo knew he would. "Pills aside, I'm better when you're there, I'm…like I was."
Duo couldn't hear anything past the blood rushing past his ears, but he pressed on. "I…I always…liked you." Duo knew that rationally he couldn't die from a confession like this, but at that point, the irrational part of his mind was doing all the talking. "I know you're straight, and I don't really expect you to…like me back. But as long as you're my friend, I think I can get better. Really get better." Duo slammed himself for ever thinking there was a short cut out of depression. He'd been a fool to think the pills would've solved all his problems. He cursed over and over again the night he'd ordered the pills.
Duo waited for the sound of the door slamming and Heero's footsteps leading away, but he finally let go of the breath he'd been holding and looked up to find Heero still there.
"Why did you assume I was straight?" The question was so random, came out of nowhere that Duo balked and stuttered. That had not been the answer he'd been expecting. Maybe once or twice he'd allowed himself to fantasize that maybe Heero might give such an answer. But no part of him had actually believed that it might ever happen.
"You accuse me of not knowing you, of assuming things, yet you do the same." Heero stood there, eyes narrowed at him. Duo felt his face go bright red, and the force of it made him reel.
"I'm…I mean, I…that is…" Duo stumbled over his words.
"Quite hypocritical of you, don't you think?" Heero's face suddenly broke into a sly smile; it was an exact mirror of that smile that Duo had stolen from Quatre's dark room. Duo stared at him, and then his face broke into a smile that mocked Shinigamii.
"You Asshole!" Duo yelled at him, happiness flooding through him. He started laughing and held onto his side in pain as he fell back onto the hospital bed.
"Duo?" Heero asked as he hurried over to him, concern openly displayed on his face. It made Duo laugh even harder.
"Damn you, now you've done it!" Duo said between gasps for air. "The pills were nothing compared to this, fuck the black market, you're the one who's going to kill me!"
Heero somehow understood. Duo had to laugh. It didn't matter what emotion was going through him, relief, happiness, sadness, guilt, anger, he laughed instead.
Heero reached out and grabbed his hand, Duo held on tight as his laughter rode him and finally he did stop and his pain receded again. Duo still held onto Heero's hand. He looked up at Heero sleepily.
"It's gonna get worse from here on out you know?" Duo asked.
"I know." Heero nodded as he pulled up his chair to sit down.
"Are you going to leave?" Duo asked.
"No." Heero shook his head.
"Good." Duo allowed himself to fall asleep.
Heero watched him, fighting his own fatigue; Duo was sleeping calmly now, but that wouldn't last. But he was going to help Duo this time, he wasn't just going to sit back and try and let Duo heal on his own, Duo needed him. It was the best feeling he'd ever known. He'd never dreamed that Duo might feel even a fraction of what he felt, what he'd felt now for a while. He'd been ready after the war, had been waiting for the right time to approach Duo, and then he'd lost him.
Heero resigned now, that he'd never let Duo go again, not like that. Not ever.
Quatre came back to the room with Trowa while later, the yelling had stopped and Heero hadn't come out. Quatre opened the door cautiously and looked in. Heero was leaning back in his chair and Duo was sleeping quietly, but their hands were clasped tightly on Duo's bed.
Quatre's heart soared as he backed out and smiled at Trowa. He'd seen the longing in both of them, seen it ever since the last years of the war. They'd finally found it in each other.
"What comes next is going to be a battle for both of them." Trowa said quietly as Quatre sat them down on a cushioned bench just outside Duo's door.
"For all of us." Quatre agreed as he leaned against Trowa's shoulder, exhausted. "But I think we can handle it."
"I don't know, we're Gundam Pilots, this is a different kind of battle field." Trowa rested his hand on Quatre's thigh.
"I think Heero and Duo can pull each other through this. We'll just give them a little support along the way." Quatre's eyes dropped as he began to slumber lightly. Trowa nodded and leaned back against the hospital wall. He wondered though, he'd seen people go through withdrawal before, it could get pretty bad, and always got worse before it got better.
Duo listened, eyes downcast, not looking at anyone as the Doctor explained things to them. Heero stood to his right side; a solid wall of will and what Duo hoped was support. Quatre and Trowa stood on his other side and listened intently, good friends till the end.
Duo didn't need to be told that the pills had been eating away at his insides, his stomach walls, his intestines, his liver, his heart, and his lungs. He didn't need to know that his blood had been thinned a great deal or that his muscles were suffering from random spasms that didn't seem to have a cause. He'd known all along, he'd been denying it anyway that he could, looking the other way, explaining it away in his mind. But he'd known.
Duo listened to the Doctor and tried to forget his desperation to try and believe that on some level the drug had worked. He knew the feelings of brief happiness that he had felt had been superficial, it'd been a side effect of the drug, a stimulant to the brain that disguised what he'd felt later. That the pills had been killing him slowly and painfully and additive properties had kept him taking them even when a part of him had known that he should stop. He'd made any excuse he could to himself to justify taking that next pill; to satisfy that need inside him.
"The withdrawal from this substance will take toll on your mind and body. I cannot predict any symptoms you will experience, or how long it will take. You may never stop, this may be a life long fight." The doctor told them, a sigh heavy in his voice, but he didn't let it go. "I can give you some recommendations for some clinics and some number for councilors and programs that might help."
"Have you had anyone else come in that's addicted?" Duo spoke up for the first time since the doctor had come in.
"Two others, and I expect more." The doctor confirmed his suspicion. "I've also been hearing of other cases in cities south of us. It will cross the border soon."
Duo cringed. He could see Melinda speeding along the highway in her bright red car. He'd helped her spread it. Bought from her, she now had money to leave town and sell to more people. She'd disappear in a big city and the cops would never find her. Duo blamed himself, if he'd only turned her in that night, it he'd just given it up then.
Duo felt Heero's hand on his shoulder, the heavy weight was comforting. Duo looked up, he saw forgiveness in those eyes. Heero didn't want him to blame himself. Duo felt even worse. He fought with his stomach for control as the doctor gave Quatre some information and left.
"Shit." Duo cursed.
"It's not your fault." Quatre tried to assure him.
"Oh yes it is." Duo snapped. "We all know it is."
No one said anything. Duo chastised his actions. He tried to think of some way to stop it, but even if he could find Melinda, there was always another seller. Dealers in numbers that no one could ever possibly hope to stop.
"I'm going to go and check on when we can take you home." Quatre said quietly. Trowa followed him out like a living shadow.
Duo had almost forgotten where he was. He rubbed his upper arm, wishing he could rip out all the IV's and jump out the window. He smiled at the memory that brought up. He really did want out of the hospital. It was a constant buzzing in his mind that wouldn't go away. He had to concentrate to force himself to stay put.
"What are you going to do?" Heero broke him out of his daze.
"Huh? Oh, I can't do anything, really." Duo sighed.
"I could make some calls, see if we can't stop it before it gets to big." Heero offered.
"Ok." Duo accepted the offer for what it was, a way out. A way for him not to feel guilty. If it was out of his hands and the responsibly was on someone else's hands then he wouldn't have to worry about it and he could just concentrate or getting through the withdrawal.
"You should sleep." Duo told Heero. "Or eat something." Duo was worried that Heero was neglecting himself while he stayed at his side.
"Ok, I'll get some food." He gave Duo a smile that told him he knew exactly what was on Duo's mind and appreciated the thought.
Duo smiled as Heero left and wanted to run down the halls of the hospital with the back of his gown flapping open telling everybody he saw 'He likes me! He likes me back!'. Duo sunk back into his pillow and closed his eyes. He let sleep take him away and drifted in that wonderful feeling.
Duo was going to be released in two days, he was stable, but some tests were still needed for him to be approved. Duo was feeling as antsy as ever. The withdrawal hadn't set in yet and that had everybody worried. Heero kept watching him whenever he thought Duo didn't see him, and Quatre was incessant with his questions about how Duo was feeling. The relentless worry that surrounded him was driving Duo to madness.
He sat and fidgeted or channel surfed, but that pissed everybody off; they'd start to get into a program and Duo would change the channel again. Duo would hum or whistle and people coming in would join him for a few bars, but they always left quickly. Duo tried to read a little, but couldn't keep his mind on the story. They only thing that helped was talking to Heero. But Heero had to leave for food or sometimes he'd get a call that the hospital wouldn't let him answer inside the building and it was one such call that desolated everything.
Heero came back after taking a call, he'd been gone a good half an hour and Duo was trying to hand onto the question he'd been about to ask Heero. He liked talking. They were getting to know each other all over again. Duo was leaning things about Heero that made it feel like they were growing closer.
Duo wanted more, but he'd decided to take this slow, he just wished that he wasn't in this hospital. He looked up as the door opened and Heero came back. Duo gave him a big smile, but when Heero didn't respond, he faltered.
Quatre and Trowa came in shortly after, both looking as somber as Heero. Quatre wouldn't look at him at all and Duo felt a growing pain in the pit of his stomach.
"What's up guys?" He asked, smiling his way through yet another tense situation.
Heero looked down at him and took a breath before he admitted what he didn't want to be true.
"Duo, we just got a call from Wu Fei."