Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.
All right! Summer is here! Yaye, more writing time! Here's hoping that my job and the big move don't intervene too much!
I would have had this up sooner, but the site wouldn't let me! Sorz! Oh, and I'm moving soon, so bare with me and then I'll get back to writing! Promise!
Scars
Part twelve: Fighting and Losing
"What happened to Wu-Fei!" Duo demanded as he felt his stomach clench and his pulse speed up. He wasn't the only one who noticed, the heart monitor he was still attached to was beeping loudly and faster than it had been.
"No, Wu-Fei is ok, nothings happened to him!" Heero quickly told Duo, worried as Duo's pallor had changed to a sick pale color.
"Oh Jeeze! Don't scare me like that!" Duo fell back against his pillows and breathed heavily. He felt stretched out suddenly, exhausted. "Well, what'd he call about then that's got all of you looking so worried?"
"Duo," Heero looked ashamed and that made Duo sit up again and watch more closely as they all avoided his gaze. "The thing is…"
"Oh, spit it out!" Duo hid his eyes with his bangs and stared determinedly down at his sheets.
"Wu-Fei is working on a case for the government, something about a group of people developing weapons." Duo looked up and meet Heero's eyes, he saw it coming but the next words hit him like a pillowcase of bricks. "He's asked that Trowa and I go and help him put a stop to this group."
Duo sat there in silence, his gaze fell from Heero to the wall in front of him, there was a chair sitting against that wall. Heero pulled it up to his bed and talked to him when he visited. Quatre sat there sometimes and played games with him, or Trowa sat there and asked him questions, odd questions that Duo wasn't sure had any point at all, but he still liked the visits.
"The group is calling themselves Scrap." Heero was talking, but Duo only heard half of what he was saying. Heero was leaving, he wouldn't be there when Duo was released from the hospital, he wouldn't be there when the doctors started to show up, he wouldn't be there when Duo started going through withdrawal…
"Quatre will act in my place as a-"
"Yeah, ok, I get it." Duo interrupted and looked up at Heero with a big grin on his face. "Don't worry, just go and do what you gotta do. Wu-Fei's gotta be in a lot of trouble to be asking for you two!" Duo laughed. "He knows what he'd doing. He was always good at this sortta thing."
"Duo, I'm sorry, if it weren't-" Heero started.
"Dude, Heero, it's ok!" Duo let his smile fade a little, let it show that he knew what was going on and wasn't really comatose like everyone seemed to think. "You need to stop, what was it, Scrap…wow, how old are these guys? Twelve, thirteen? You're gonna be fighting kids!" Duo laughed.
"Yeah, well…"Heero looked sheepish.
"Right, be careful anyway, kids can be just as bad as adults with guns!" Duo smirked, remembering things from L2 that made him respect Wu-Fei's seriousness over the situation, "Just stop them before they kill anyone."
"I'm sorry Duo." Heero closed his eyes briefly, as if he couldn't stand what was racing through his head just then.
"We're all sorry Heero, you just happen to have a better excuse than most." Even to his own ears it sounded bitter. But Heero knew, he knew that what Duo really wanted was to be able to go with them, to participate instead of having to wait behind. To wait behind and go through his own personal hell instead of fighting through someone else's, which was always easier. "Just go and…and finish it." Duo sighed, there was no way to get around this. He was going into this battle alone.
"Duo-" Heero took a step towards the bed, but Quatre took his arm from behind, he stepped forward and shook his head no. Heero started to walk towards the door, but Duo's voice stopped him dead.
"You have a job, don't you." Heero didn't turn around right away; he'd known this conversation would come up eventually. "You have a job that you either quit or took time off of when you found me online that night."
Heero looked around at Duo, he didn't nod, but he didn't deny it either. "Shit." Duo cursed, his hands curling into tight balls that gripped the sheet with a ferocity that didn't match his condition.
"Who said you could do that! Who said you could quit your life just because I resurfaced?" Duo demanded, he hated it when he was the cause of such things, he wasn't worth those kinds of sacrifices.
"I did." Heero's voice hit him hard; he looked back into Heero's eyes. "It is my life and I am the one who says weather I quite or not." Heero stood with his wide shoulders set back and his face immobile. But his eyes shone with something Duo loved. "I would've done anything at that point to get away to that small beach and find you."
"But now you have to go back Heero." Duo smiled sadly.
"Yes." Heero seemed almost defeated, but he stood stock-still. "But I'll be back."
"You promised not to leave in the first place." Duo snapped. Heero's face fell at that, his shoulders sagged and he looked lost.
"But I-" Heero started, desperation showing on his face.
"So." Duo stopped him, "No more making promises you can't keep. Ok?" Duo asked.
Heero looked as if he was about to say something else, but then he nodded, and that light came back to his eyes. "Ok."
"Good, now get going before Wu-Fei has kittens." Duo smiled, he could do this, Heero would be back, he just had to hold out for a little while without him. "But if Wu-Fei does, be sure to bring me back one! A fluffy one!" Duo called after Heero. A smile split the seriousness of Heero's face.
"I will, love you."
Duo would've fallen out of the bed if there hadn't been bars on both sides. He knew the smile that suddenly filled his face was giddy and he probably looked stupid, but there was no way he could've controlled it at this time.
"Love you!" Duo soared, something in him ready to burst. And then they were gone and Duo was left with Quatre.
"He loves me." Duo said and laughed at the sound of his own giddiness.
"I know." Quatre smiled back, he hugged Duo fiercely. Duo hugged him back and allowed himself that moment of self-satisfaction. Heero loved him!
Heero left after that with Trowa in a helicopter that landed at Quatre's mansion and was flown out quickly. Duo could hear the blades cutting into the air from his room. The injustice bit at him, he was getting out of this stupid white room tomorrow, Heero was supposed to be there, but Wu-Fei couldn't do anything alone, apparently he couldn't even take down a group of kids without Trowa or Heero!
Duo stopped, he looked around. He was alone in the room, the TV was off, Quatre had gone to talk to someone, and now Duo couldn't remember who. Why was he so angry, a few minutes ago he'd been happy as a lark, imagining a time when he'd be better and when he could leave Quatre's house and maybe get his own place, maybe even a house where he could live with Heero.
What had set him off, he'd been so angry suddenly, angry enough to break something or even run form the room, leaving all his IV's behind.
Duo took deep breaths and tried to remember what he'd been thinking right before he'd had that inner outburst. He'd been hearing Heero's helicopter leaving, leaving him behind.
"Shit, don't tell me I'm that pathetic!" Duo was mumbling to himself when Quatre came back.
"Well, we have to wait for tomorrow, they want to keep you for one more observation of how you're sleeping." Quatre sat in the chair and put his hands together in his lap. "I couldn't talk them out of it, they seem really interested in how you're sleeping lately."
"I don't see why, it's not like I have nightmares or apnea." Duo shrugged, he felt twitchy again, he wanted to get up and out of here, it was driving him crazy. He hated hospitals.
"Maybe that's it, you were having nightmares before, and even up at the house, we all have them." Quatre admitted, referring of course to all the Gundam Pilots.
"Everyone who was in the war has had them! War kind of does that to you." Duo laughed harshly. "Maybe I'm just too tired lately to remember my dreams."
"Well, who knows, but they can't keep us any longer than tomorrow if nothing happens tonight. So I'll call ahead and make sure everything is cleaned up." Quatre pulled out his phone. "I'll be right back." And he left.
Duo barely noticed him leaving. He was thinking, when he'd started taking the pills the nightmares had receded. Was he even achieving REM sleep anymore? Wouldn't the doctors have told him? And if he weren't wouldn't it have affected him long before now. But the seed of doubt was planted and he couldn't help but dote on it.
Duo laid down as a sharp pain hit him in the side. He got those every once and a while. He'd just lain down and they went away, like this one was doing now. They worried him too, but less than the questions of whither he was still dreaming or not.
The night passed without incident and Duo was thankful. He really wanted to leave. So much so that when one of the nurses did rounds at about five, he convinced her to stay long enough to help him dress. He thanked her and sat up waiting for the doctor and Quatre. He waited for three hours before the doctor came in and did a final examination. He took read outs from a machine they had hooked Duo up to before he fell asleep and explained that they needed to be sent to a lab before he could be released. Duo had rolled his eyes but sat back and pulled out a small pad of paper he had gotten from one of the nurses and stated doodling.
Quatre came about a half an hour later and was surprised to find Duo lounging on the hospital bed, fully clothed.
"Have they already given you the release papers?" Quatre demanded.
"No." Duo said absently, "I just didn't want to wait around all day for them in that stupid gown."
"Oh." Quatre pulled up his chair. "I brought you something, a sort of welcome home present. I mean, it's not really a big welcome home, but I figured the situation…and, well, here." Quatre fumbled about with his words before handing Duo a small box.
Duo raised an eyebrow as he took it and opened the small box to reveal a small pad with buttons on either side. "What is it?"
"It's a Rank. They're going to be released next season for people, ages 16 and up." Quatre smiled sheepishly. "It's like one of those game counsels, but it does a lot more. New technology."
"Right on!" Duo exclaimed as he sat up straighter. "Thanks Quate!" Duo turned it on and began pushing buttons, exploring the system. "Hmm, not quite what I'm used to in security, but I can fix that!"
Quatre smiled, he'd thought Duo would like it, and would especially like to tinker with it, more than anything. The doctors had suggested giving Duo a project to concentrate on, keep him grounded. And there was nothing more that Duo liked than technology. Well, maybe Heero, but if he couldn't give Duo one, he'd go with the other.
When the doctor finally came back with the release forms, Duo was distracted thoroughly. Quatre took care of signing and then pulled Duo away from the Rank long enough to get him to sign the last one.
"Oh, I get to leave now?" Duo didn't remember how much time had passed, he was having too much fun going through all the Ranks systems.
"Yes, I have a car waiting outside, just sign here and we can get out of this hospital." Quatre smiled at him.
"Good." Duo took the pen and scrawled his name across the black line.
"Thank you, please call if-"
"Yeah, yeah! We'll be sure to keep in touch!" Duo interrupted, he stood up quickly as he could without pain shooting through his stomach and let Quatre take hold of his arm and guide him through the hallways. Duo didn't remember any of the rest of the hospital, all he'd seen in his time there had been the one room. He tried not to stare at the other patients, they all watched him with longing in their eyes, he knew they wished it was them getting out, he'd wished it himself whenever someone passed his room.
He hated hospitals, the smell was even now making him uneasy, but the doors were in sight now, and Duo was determined to make it out! He picked up his pace a little, ignoring the small sound Quatre made in protest. He walked out into the parking lot and fresh, cool air hit him. Duo breathed it in and shut his eyes.
The air was till heavy with the rain that came everyday. Duo bet that it never left the air, that living here might be what living underwater would be like, if you could breathe underwater that is. Duo opened his eyes again and saw the black, sleek car that screamed Quatre, he started for it and then felt Quatre grab him right before the ambulance drove past them.
"I know we didn't grow up like other kids, but I thought everyone learned to look both ways." Quatre scolded him, but he was smiling.
Duo laughed nervously at his close call. "Yeah, one of those common sense situations, huh?" Duo looked this time and then headed for the car. "So, I'm hungry."
"Right. Don't worry, food should be waiting for us at the house, I called a head and faxed your allowed diet to the cook." Quatre opened the door for Duo who climbed in, the Rank in his hand beeping that it was going in to save mode.
"My allowed diet?" Duo asked, dreading those words.
Quatre climbed in after him and closed the door and the car started. "Yes, the doctor said you might not be able to digest some food now, heavy stuff is going to be limited."
"Great," Duo played a little with the Rank, it had one of those tiny pencils for the touch screen, "So I'm going to be eating soup for the rest of my life."
"No, but anything heavy you do have is going to be in small portions, and just not as often as you would normally eat them." Quatre explained, Duo wasn't really listening, but he still didn't want to get Duo down about being 'sick'.
"Yeah, ok. It's alright Quatre, I like soup." Duo smiled and let out a barked laughter as the Rank suddenly made a little noise. Duo looked up and out the window. "Are we there yet, I need to hook this thing up to my laptop, I have an idea!"
Quatre smiled as they started up his driveway, he'd known the Rank would be a good idea as soon as he'd gotten it in the mail. The prototype had inspired him to order another, fully assembled and way ahead of mass production.
"I bet this thing will take my G-photon software!" Duo jumped out of the car as it came to a stop with Quatre hurrying out after him.
"Duo! Not so fast, you just got out of the hospital!" Quatre protested as Duo flung open the doors and dashed through them.
"And I feel fine! Don't sweat it Quat!" Duo rushed up the stairs and into his room. He dug around for an extra cable and then plugged the rank into the port. Duo watched as programmed software downloaded to his laptop and everything suddenly became compatible. "Yes." Duo whispered in triumph.
Duo took to the keyboard with a zealous ferocity. He began to run the program he'd created to set his G-photon software into the grain of whatever he wanted, in this case, his new Rank. Duo smiled at the screen in front of him as the program took over and began to do everything automatically.
That's when the first wave hit him. Duo stopped smiling as a low clench in his stomach made his throat tighten in anticipation. Duo left his desk, the laptop running the software and set on a timer for completion. Duo fell into the bathroom; he was kneeling in front of the sink just as he started to cough. Duo fumbled for the sink and got a cool stream of water running, he waited and waited for the coughing to stop, he had his face leaning over the bowl of the sink and his eyes were shut tight in pain. His throat began to ache and felt like it was going from muscle to raw meat.
Duo gasped for air every chance he got, but the coughing continued, Duo heard Quatre come in with a servant and they helped him stand over the sink. With the sudden change in his posture and less strain on his throat, Duo gave a final cough and could breathe again. He opened his eyes cautiously, tears blurring his vision from the fit. The sink was red; rivulets of saliva and blood were sliding down to the drain. It wasn't a pure red, more a diluted red, and Duo felt sick looking at it.
So it was starting, everything was downhill from here. Duo felt a shameful anger towards Heero again that he wasn't here for him. He was gone, even though he promised. And Heero Yuy was never supposed to break a promise!
Duo cursed himself as he took a wet washcloth form Quatre and wiped his face with cool water. He was being childish. He was a gundam pilot, ex pilot, but he'd been through worse than this. He'd survived a war! So why was this so debilitating? Why did this seem so much more difficult than what he'd down and experienced in the war?
Duo figured it was the drug, the doctors had said that they only way it affected the mind was to make the product more addictive, but what if that wasn't all? Duo hated the thought that he might be subject to something else the drug was supposed to do.
Duo stared at himself in the mirror, sweaty and pale complexion, dark smudges under his eyes, thin and gaunt. He wasn't even standing on his own, he was held up almost completely by Quatre and this man. This drug was beyond dangerous, he had to stop it. Heero probably had started to track Melinda, he'd said he'd make calls, but now he was gone and there was no way to be sure. He might have just completely forgotten about her in the rush, though doubtful.
Heero rarely forgot anything, and this was a big thing. But he was gone now, even if those calls had gone through, who knew when he'd be back to do the follow through. Meanwhile, Melinda was speeding away and to bigger things. Duo cursed himself as he let Quatre lead him to his bed. He thumped down on the pillow.
"Better?" Quatre asked.
"I'll be better when Melinda is behind bars and all her shit is dissolved in acid." Duo put his hand up over his eyes and tried to think past a dull throbbing that was starting in behind his eyes.
"You can't blame yourself for that Duo." Before Duo could protest he went on. "It was wrong of you to turn to black market drugs, and by buying them you did further Melinda's funds to leave town, but what she chooses to do with that money and with her drugs is not your will." Quatre's eyes seemed to go from a gentle blue to something that looked more ice like. "So next time, don't buy drugs."
Duo laughed. He couldn't help it, Quatre was trying so hard to be serious, but the conversation itself was just so laughable. He felt like he should be 13 and grounded. Quatre broke and smiled at him.
"Thanks." Duo stopped laughing and turned away form the harsh light staring down at him from above. "Can I get a lamp instead?" Duo asked.
"Yeah." Quatre moved and turned off the overhead light and turned on the bathroom light instead with the door only half open. "Want some water?" He asked.
"Water would be good." Duo nodded. He sank into the bed, he was too warm to get under the covers, but lying there was so nice. Duo didn't like that he'd just left the hospital and all that laying around just to get home and do the same thing, but now it felt like something big had caught up with him. Now it felt like he needed the rest.
Duo wasn't aware that Quatre had left till he'd come back with a glass of water. Duo sat up and reached out to take the glass, but he stopped mid motion when he saw his hand. The trembling was fine, it was minute, and almost something he hadn't seen at all. But he'd seen it. And he hated it, the shaking scared him, the seizures and coughing fits and pukeing were one thing. All that stopped when he got better, it all went away and would stay away when he was finally all over this. But the shaking was something else, the shaking was questionable.
What if it never when away, and it kept getting worse, what if the shaking got worse and stayed permanently? Duo shuddered and shoved his hand forward to grab the glass that Quatre was still holding. Duo worked on machines, on computers, delicate work, he couldn't afford to have the shakes!
Duo drank the cool water, careful not to swallow too much at once, he didn't like the fact that he was coughing up blood. He didn't want to go through that again either, especially now that his headache was growing steadily. Duo grimaced at the pain as it shot through his brain with a raw force he wouldn't have thought possible inside the human body.
"Shit." Duo cursed, putting his fist to his forehead and trying to think only about breathing and not what this meant for his forthcoming withdrawal.
"What's wrong?" Quatre asked. Duo was just glad that he hadn't asked if he was all right.
"Headache, migraine, lots of pain!" Duo stammered out.
"The doctor said you could take some light pain killers, he gave me a prescription." Quatre explained.
"So why're you holding out on me Quate? Hand them over!" Duo demanded, keeping his eyes closed and holding out his hand for anything that would make this stop.
"I haven't gotten it filled yet, the pharmacist said it would be ready for pick up tomorrow." Quatre explained, pain passing across his face in guilt. "I'm sorry Duo."
"Yeah, you're sorry and I'm experiencing brain surgery without anesthetic." Duo moaned and lay back down, he'd have to suffer through this on his own. And he couldn't even distract himself. Not only was his Rank in the middle of a software download, but he suspected that doing anything would only cause him more pain.
"Duo." Quatre tried.
"Please don't shout." Duo rolled over and shoved his face into his pillow. Quatre wrung his hands in worry; he'd barely spoken above a whisper. Duo was going to have to suffer through the rest of the day and night until he could go and pick up the pills in the morning.
Duo wanted Heero to be there so badly, he kept thinking of him and trying to remember back to those easy conversations they'd had while working on the car. He tried to think about what Heero had told him, to picture in his mind the life he'd described that was Duo free. Duo was hoping that if he thought only of Heero that it might be almost as if he were actually there, sitting beside him while he suffered through this. Maybe the pain would subside to greater thoughts and he might pass mercifully into sleep.
But Duo didn't get any sleep. He thought of Heero and stayed awake the whole night. He'd tried laying still as he possibly could in the hopes that sleep would come to him, but it hadn't worked. He'd counted sheep, but that only made things worse. He'd tried relaxing one part of his body at the time and going into a meditating state, but he'd been unable to quite his mind.
Duo longed for sleep, for unconsciousness like it was another type of pill he could take to make things better, but that analogy made him nauseous. Duo shivered, he felt cold, but he was sweating now. His pillow soaked, and he turned it over only to have that side damp in minutes. He curled up under the blanket, shivered and tried to keep his body heat trapped with him, but it was like all the heat he had was going to his head.
Duo tried putting his head under the blanket, but that only made it hard to breathe. Duo kept trying to get warm, he pulled up the blankets around him and tucked them under his body so that only his head was sticking out, but nothing warmed him. Duo knew he must have a high temperature, he'd been through this before, and he still hated it. The smart thing would be for him to call Quatre or one of the servants that were now being kept there twenty-four hours a day, but Duo didn't.
He hated that Quatre had changed people's hours just for him. He didn't like that things had changed so that he could have help anytime he called for it, that people were waiting for him to break so that they could care for him. Duo didn't need that kind of help, he'd always done things on his own; it was just how things were.
Duo hated that he wanted to call out for someone; he also hated that that someone wasn't here for him to call for. So Duo shut his mouth and shivered till a dim light began to sneak in under his curtains. Duo stirred a little from his comatose staring at his pillow, he'd taken to it sometime a go and had just stared till his mind had gone blank and all he knew was the shivers that wrought his body. There was someone outside, they knocked quietly and then came in, it was one of the men that had helped him last night.
Duo didn't speak, he didn't think his voice would work and he didn't want to hear what might come out of his mouth. He watched as the man moved to him and reached out to touch him, worry was plastered on his face and made Duo wonder what he looked like. He already knew his lips were chapped; he could feel it, but what of his eyes, and his hair, and his skin. Duo knew that the worse he looked the more his scars stood out. Instinctively he ducked under the covers, he didn't want to see the fear he knew would come to the man's eyes.
Duo heard that man leave in a rush, there, he'd scared someone again, someone else disserted him in horror. Duo fisted his hands in the blanket, he wanted to get up and leave, to do something, anything. But his body distinctly told him no to do anything else but think about it.
"So pale and a temperature." Duo heard the voice outside before the man returned with someone.
"Duo?" Quatre. "Duo, can you come out for a second?" Duo felt someone put something heavy on him and poked his head out to look. The man had brought him more blankets, two more very heavy quilts. He hadn't left because of…well, at least he might warm up a bit more now.
"Duo, this is Gill. He's going to be in charge of your food and anything else you need. He's also in charge of anyone else who comes in here, so talk to him if you need something." Quatre put his hand on Duo's forehead. "Fever."
"Yeah, I noticed." Duo rasped out as Quatre took a thermometer from Gill.
Duo let Quatre take his temperature and then shifted a little, he was feeling sleepy now, finally. The quilts had been what had done it.
"Duo, your temperature is up to 102." Quatre sounded worry, but Duo could only muster out a grunt before his eyes began to droop.
The pounding in his head began to ease up as he sank down into the bed, now that he had finally found sleep.
Quatre watched Duo slip away; how he wished Trowa and Heero were here. He instructed Gill to bring in a chair and went to get a laptop from his office. He wouldn't be able to concentrate if he tried to work there. This way, if Duo needed him, he'd be right here. The Rank wasn't going to help now, what Duo needed now was going to be someone to watch him and help him through what was about to come.
"Heero, hurry back." Quatre whispered to the still and stale air of Duo's room as he seated himself next to Duo's bed.