Scars

by Raylie Knight

After being jumped after the war, Duo is now covered with scars and in his shame ran away for five years...but now Heero has managed to find him...

15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: so do not own Gundam Wing…wouldn't that be great though? But I just write fan fiction…very self-explanatory title: Fan Fiction.

Went to Comicon in Phoenix. Am probably gonna go to Anime Fest in December! Yaye! This is a turning point; I think I have a new feel for the writing, so tell me if I'm doing good! Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far and keep reading, this isn't the last chapter, from here it gets interesting.

Warning, adult content. Male/male sex.

Scars

Part Fifteen: Mutilation

Duo woke with a headache, it wasn't an uncommon thing now a days. His room was cast in shadows, the window open just a little bit, cool air creeping in along the floor. But Duo was safe and warm in bed, held tightly in Heero's arms. Duo still woke each day surprised to be there.

He felt the trepidation return that had been building up since Dr. Draki's last visit. He'd had a week to brood over this as the day had loomed closer and closer. It had been building up inside ever since the good doctor had announced that upon his next visit he was bringing a guest, one of his other patients. Someone named Aski. Duo pondered again on the name, as he did every time he was forced to think about it.

Duo lay still, he knew Heero would wake up soon, there wasn't much that he missed, and even though Duo didn't move when he woke, and his breathing didn't change from years of training, something still seemed to alert Heero when he woke. Duo wished he could roll over and go right on sleeping; he'd only just gotten to sleep a couple of hours ago. Even before this new little rollercoaster of trepidation, he'd been having trouble sleeping. At first, it was just that he kept waking up, nightmares easily soothed aside by Heero in the dark hours of the night, and then he would go back to sleep. But very suddenly, in the past weeks, as the rest of his body seemed to recuperate, a part of his mind was digressing and wouldn't shut down long enough for sleep. He was now down to a few hours a night, and while he was still able to function on that little amount, it also had him strung tight and tired all the time. His body seemed to regress to a constant ache deep in his bones and his face was going gaunt and pale with the dark smudges under his eyes even more prominent.

Duo felt Heero wake, it was about as apparent as his own waking would have been, Heero's eyes were just very suddenly open and staring down at him in concern. Duo shook his head at the silent question held in those cobalt eyes, he hadn't gotten any more sleep than he had been getting. It worried Heero to no end and Duo just let out a heavy sigh. He shifted himself away from Heero, and though Heero let him go, the reluctance in his arms would have been apparent to the blind.

Duo forced himself out of bed, ignoring the pleading in the back of his head to crawl back into Heero's arms and stay there. He made his way into the bathroom, his hand automatically going up to the doorframe to support himself on wobbly legs, and then leaned over the sink. He closed his eyes, some part of him still striving towards REM, but his brain wouldn't have any of it, and he just emptied his bladder and then washed his face. Duo tried to ignore the sloshing of the water while he raised handfuls of it too his face, but ended up slamming his hands down on the marble counter in frustration.

Heero was over to the door in a second, gently resting his hands on Duo's shoulders and guiding him back into the room and towards the bed to sit down.

"Damnit." Duo cursed somewhat subdued, but still earnest in his frustration.

"Baby steps." Heero reminded him in a soft voice, Dr. Draki's mantra. Duo wanted to shove tiny shoes down the man's throat and then hear his opinion of baby steps, but knew that probably wouldn't go over so well and where would he get all those shoes anyway.

Duo let Heero help him into his cloths; he chose black jeans, a dark red shirt and a grey sweater over it. Heero didn't approve, the consternation over Duo's retreat into cloths that covered most of him screaming from his eyes, but to Duo's relief, he bit his tongue. Duo had taken to trying to wear less long sleeved shirts and sweaters around the house just for the look it put on Heero's face, but today was different.

This was the dreaded day that the past week had been building up to; Duo was even surprised that he'd gotten as much sleep as he did, little though it was. He'd been sure last night that he wouldn't be able to sleep again until this whole ordeal was over.

Duo watched Heero dress in dress slacks and a polo shirt, a little more dressy than normal for today's impending visit, but kept himself in stocking feet like Duo. Duo wished for gloves and a hooded sweater as he followed Heero down the stairs, but both Heero and Quatre and ganged up and blatantly refused to allow either.

Duo picked at his breakfast, wishing the clock would slow down on its seemingly fast foreword movement towards two o'clock. Time never seemed to drag by when he really needed it to, the whole Murphy's law coming into play against him every time.

Duo couldn't have repeated anything that was said over breakfast, though he usually had impeccable memory for such things, even when he wasn't really paying attention. Quatre kept trying to engage him in the conversation, but was only rebuffed by Duo's complete lack of thought for anything but whatever was going on in his own mind. Heero was equally quiet, and with Trowa gone for a couple of days he was left to join them in silence.

Duo could only imagine what he'd looked like, sitting there, his mind running through every possibility of anything that would happen when two o'clock came. When he was that deep in thought, his face did this run away thing where it forgot it's schooling against showing emotion and inner thought and just went as rampant as his inner turmoil.

"Duo?" Heero's hand on his shoulder brought him back, he found himself staring down at the table with a fork in his hand and whatever hand been on his plate reduced to mush of an unnamed color.

"Sorry." Duo muttered and let Heero take the plate away, he couldn't find anything to do with his hands anymore, so he just stuffed them into his pockets and went back to his thoughts.

Dr. Draki hadn't told him anything about Aski, not age, not race, no description, not even gender. And the name was so strange that in Duo's mind it could go either way. Duo kept seeing a hooded figure in front of him with only eyes staring out at him and then the figure was backing away from him in disgust and then somehow turned into a car that speed forward and ran him over till he was just so much meat.

Duo jerked when Trowa's voice broke in and he almost stopped breathing right there, which he hadn't done so early in the day for a while now.

"Breathe." A voice told him and Duo could hear steady breathing coming from someone and tried to match it. Duo waited as his heart rate came back down from 'burst-out-of-your-chest' to what was almost normal.

""I asked if you wanted to sit outside for a bit." Trowa asked again when Duo had calmed down. Duo was glad when Trowa didn't hover like Heero so often did after his attacks, he just bowled forward with whatever he'd been doing or saying as if nothing had happened. And while that caused Heero some stress, it made Duo feel a little more competent.

Duo nodded to Trowa's question. When it wasn't raining, Heero let him sit outside in that immense garden he'd found, what seemed like, ages ago. Sometimes someone would join him, or they'd all sit out there with warm drinks, but Duo also liked to have some alone time. Heero always stayed close by inside, but Duo had found that after a while, he'd grown restless from the constant company he had. For five years he'd stayed alone in that small apartment by the beach, and now it was nothing less than one of them with him all the time and Duo had suddenly found it suffocating. The first time he'd felt that panic at having eyes on him all the time, he'd run to the garden and collapsed again the back wall among some bushes and had grown cold and was shivering when Heero had finally found him.

He'd gotten a good lecture from a slightly panicked Heero, and had gone into another attack when they'd changed temperatures on him with fresh cloths from the dryer, but afterwards, they'd all agreed that Duo could handle a little alone time if he didn't push it as far as he had that day.

Duo grabbed a coat and made his way out to the garden and his favorite lounge chair. He leaned back, barely noticing the cold through all his layers and looked up at the gloomy sky through the branches of the tree directly over him.

Gill popped his head out sometime later and offered to get Duo a hot chocolate, Duo accepted with a small grin and Gill disappeared inside again. Duo was still amazed at how quickly Gill had come around from immediate hospitalization to friendly banter and hot chocolate after only a few conversations with Duo once he could talk past his raw throat. Apparently part of him was still approachable and likeable and still drew people to him, even when it seemed less likely than otherwise. It made a part of Duo stir and resurface a little. He made an effort with Gill and finally got comfortable with him so that it was like a small triumph. The last friend he'd had was Bruce the landlord, and in five years, that was astonishing for Duo to the point where even he wondered what was going on inside his head.

Before…before the…incident…Duo had had many friends, had been rolling in acquaintances and contacts all over the Earth and the colonies. He'd been a wheel hub of friendships and ties so that he'd been adrift that first year and had memories of moments where he thought madness really would consume him just from lack of human contact.

Gill came back and interrupted Duo's thoughts bringing him back to reality with a crash, but all was forgotten when he handed Duo the mug full of hot chocolate and topped with whipped cream enough so that Duo had to eat it before his first sip so that it didn't end up all over his nose. He gave a little moan of pleasure as the hot liquid curled down his throat and mumbled a heartfelt thanks to Gill. Gill only laughed a little as the pure adoration in Duo's eyes and then left to tend to his other duties.

Duo cradled the mug in his hand, taking the warmth in through his hands as well as he welcomed it over his lips. He watched the steam lazily drift up and then disappear quickly from the chill in the air. He sat and waited while the sun made its slow track across the sky and danced behind the deep green leaves. The rain was holding off for a while and Duo was grateful for it, he really didn't want to go back inside right now, just needed a few moments to collect himself. Maybe if he sat out here just long enough he might be able to face this next hurdle. More and more lately he'd been noticing his weakness more and more. For the longest time it hadn't bothered him, he'd been perfectly content to stay in that little grey and barren apartment for the duration of his life, or until someone finally came bashing through his door with a gun. But, in truth, he'd been alone then, no one to watch him slowly fade away. To curl up on his mattress in the middle of the day from pure exhaustion after being up for days. No one was there to scrutinize over all the covered mirrors, or the desolate fridge.

Now he was surrounded by people all the time, people who seemed to care when he dressed a certain way or said certain words, they all saw them as signals and were able to read him. Duo found himself comforted when he needed it, alone when he needed to think, occupied when he started to get bored, and fed when he was hungry. Some part of him was aware that nothing should be so ready and waiting for him, some part of him was bothered while the rest of him was comforted and content. But that small part of him had started to grow as of late, as if something were growing deep inside of him, and one day it was just going to burst out and overtake him, but for now it just took seed in the back of his mind.

Duo finished his hot chocolate and set the mug down on the ground next to the leg of the lounge chair, unwilling to move long enough to set it on the table a couple feet away from him. He was comfy now, and his mind was racing so fast that it felt like the rest of him had to hold perfectly still just to compensate for it. He vaguely wondered what time it was, but then pushed it aside, thinking that Heero would come out for him before two o'clock rolled around so he could get ready.

Duo's thoughts drifted back to the days that surrounded his arrival here. The way he'd seemed to bounce back so quickly, and then very suddenly fell right back to where he'd been in that apartment. And then getting the drugs from Melinda and his downward spiral into addiction which was apparent to him in hindsight! Duo cursed himself that he'd blatantly pushed his mind away from noticing his own addiction habits forming. Duo had always prided himself on being so strong, so independent; he'd done everything right up till then. Barring his few mistakes on L2, the plague, the massacre, he'd gotten drunk before, but never became attached to the alcohol, he'd refused cigarettes, and up until the H.G.L.'s, he'd never used drugs outside of painkillers on missions. Where exactly had everything gone wrong? Could it really all be traced back to that one night when he'd been attacked, or did it lie somewhere between then and now. Didn't it start creeping up on him before then? Hadn't he felt it that night he'd set out for the bar, and even before then. Right when he'd been told the war was over. Maybe that was it, that sudden loss.

He'd been so damn useful, so damn needed. And now, what? He made computer viruses, for killers. Bought pills from junkies in red cars. What was so damn great about his life now, and wasn't that just it. If you took away the war, what was left?

Duo jerked at a sound next to him, he jerked away and rolled out of the lounge chair to find a child watching him. A boy, maybe sixteen? Duo wondered how he'd been snuck up on; it just showed how relaxed he felt and how hard he'd been thinking. The boy was wearing nothing on his feet, pajama bottoms that were blue with a plaid pattern in green, a blue hospital gown over that, and a hooded black sweater over that. Shaggy hair fell down in front of his eyes, black; the eyes were black as well. But his skin, oh god, his skin!

Duo came to a sick realization as he stared at the boy and stumbled back some more, wanting distance between himself and this strange teenager suddenly in Quatre's garden. He wanted to throw up the chocolate drink that now felt so very cold in his stomach, he wanted to shut out the image of this teenager from his mind, but it was branded against the back of his eyelids now too. Duo couldn't breathe, he was about to start hyperventilating, he was seeing things, he was sure of it, but he couldn't remember this kid from L2, where else could he be from, maybe the war, had his ghosts finally come back to haunt him, had…

"Are you Duo?" Not a boy, a girl! Duo heard it in her voice and then saw the tell tale signs that hadn't been apart at first glance due to the baggy medical gown. It was a girl, her hair was cut severely short, but long on top so that it all sort of fell to one side of her head under the hood. Wait, medical gown! And the pieces feel into place for Duo, though he was surprised that so much time had gone by and all he'd done was sit and think things over.

"Yeah, I'm Duo, are you Aski?" Duo asked, trepidation trying to sneak back into his mind, but in the face of this girl, he found that it couldn't really take hold again. He sort of had this thing for kids, and more so, for injured kids, kids in pain. It was probably rooted back to his days on L2, watching out for the little ones, or maybe his own connection to child hood pain.

"Yeah." She said and looked around at the garden a little more. Duo tried to ignore her skin, but found he kept glancing at it while she wasn't looking directly at him.

"Where's Dr. Draki?" Duo suddenly came to the realization that they were in the garden alone, surely the good doctor would have at least introduced them, and then, wouldn't he have stayed to monitor the 'session' instead of forcing them together and then just leaving?

"Oh, I left him in the car." Aski replied as if he'd just wait there till she was done, and Duo instantly knew that everyone was probably looking for her and wouldn't think to check on him.

"How'd you get inside?" Duo asked, casually, thinking about it as talking about trade back on L2, thievery talk.

"Scaled the wall, left my shoes in the car." Aski replied, looking up as a drizzle started. "Awe man, I was hoping it would lay off for a while longer." She turned to Duo. "We have to go inside soon, I don't wanna get too wet, I don't like being cold."

Duo nodded and she was looking at him again. She smiled and Duo found himself smiling back, wondering where the smile had come from, he couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled like that.

"Well, at least now we know why Dr. Draki wanted us to meet." She laughed and Duo couldn't help laughing along with her.

"What do you mean you lost her?" Heero demanded just staring at Dr. Draki standing in the entry hall alone and looking quite embarrassed.

"Aski has a way of…darting off sometimes." Dr. Draki looked like he wanted to run his hands through his hair, but left them at his sides. "She has a curiosity that I sometimes find is boundless. As soon as the car was close enough and going slow enough, she simply jumped out of the window and ran straight for her, I imagine she could be anywhere on the grounds."

Heero strove to gain control over his emotions, a voice in the back of his head was screaming that he knew absolutely nothing about the doctor's patient and a long string of scenarios played through his mind. For all he knew this girl could suffer from any number of psychoses, and Duo was dozing out in the garden the last time he'd checked. He probably had no idea what time it was and he was in such a relaxed mental state that this girl would probably have no problem sneaking into his defenses and…

Heero turned away and started a bee line for the last place he'd seen Duo, his veins pumping what was surely whit hot blood through him at an alarming rate.

"I assure you, everything is fine, I have no doubt that she went out seeking Duo, and she knows why we've come here. She feels the need to be in control, she'll feel adrift until she has everything exactly the way she wants it. She just wants to meet Duo on her own terms." Dr. Draki tried to assure Heero as he walked quickly after him.

But Heero didn't get very far; ahead of him he heard the door to the garden open. Heero's steps took him to where he could see Duo coming in the door with some.

Heero and Quatre, close on his heels, stopped in the face of their guest. Dr. Draki knew how this was going to go over with Heero, he might see it as a betrayal, but he was hoping he would see it for what it really was: something kindred.

It may have been too much for Quatre, and Dr. Draki thought for a moment that he might have warned the two of them. Their eyes would not, could not leave Aski, though she wore pajama bottoms that covered all of her legs, and a hooded sweater that practically enveloped her, the scars on her face were almost a dead match for Duo's.

But Aski's were worse, where Duo had a scar that started on his face and was a mere promise for the rest of him, Aski's scars stood on their own, each separate from the other, even when they crossed, there was the vague difference that marked them as individual marks.

There were two over her right eye, her left cheek was cut by a diagonal line and there was one that started on her lower lip, just in the corner and drifted down and stopped before it marred her chin too much. Her bright black eyes, though wide awake and smiling easily, were still dull and circled. She seemed to be getting no more sleep than Duo; they were in fact, a mirror of each other.

Aski smiled at the doctor, something that made Heero come back to himself with the realization that it reminded him so much of Duo's smile.

"Well, I found him, no thanks to you." She told the doctor.

"What have I told you about jumping out of moving vehicles?" The Dr. Draki scolded, mirth dancing in his eyes and making the scolding a lie.

"Yeah, yeah." Aski pushed aside his dance and turned to Duo, "We have to have a session now, please tell me you have more comfortable chairs than he does!"

Duo laughed, here was as soul he recognized, something he found he could easily connect with. "They better be, considering how much Quatre paid for them!"

Aski looked around him at Quatre and Heero again, they were still looking at her, as if trying to decide if they should go along with this or protest. Both unsure of what would be good for Duo.

"That's Quatre, the blonde doing the fish imitation." Aski laughed behind her hand as Quatre's mouth instantly snapped shut and he tried to give her a welcoming smile while trying to hide his embarrassment. "And that's Heero."

Aski looked up at the brooding solider, he stared back into her dark eyes with his blue ones and then she smiled.

"Are you Gay?" She asked, rewarded with the appropriate shock. His face colored and she took that as an omission of yes. Duo recognized a tactic he'd used on many adults on L2 before running off with their wallets, long gone before they recovered and even tried to give chase.

"Aski." The doctor warned.

"But you hinted that he was, I just wanted to be sure." She looked back at Heero, "He's Anna's type."

Heero looked up questioningly at Dr. Draki. "Her sister." He smiled.

Realization dawned on Heero's face and surprised a bark of laughter from Duo.

"She loves the dark brooding ones." Aski pushed, watching Duo and smiling when he laughed again.

"Come on, before you break Heero." Duo gave her a push towards the living room with it's over stuffed, but comfortable, chairs.

Duo watched her go over and pick out a chair before any of them, she sat in tailor fashion, her legs crossed under her, the chair seeming bigger around her slight form. She looked around and Duo realized she knew exactly what she was doing, but still held an element that marked her as having reached a certain age mentally and just stopping. She reminded him so much of L2, kids, forced to deal with war, with pain and suffering and losing childhood to it. But at the same time, they were still children, and a part of them would always be without the time to grow properly.

She was in control of the situation, but distracted by the new room and looking around in awe. Duo took a seat in a chair across from her and Heero and Quatre sat on the couch while Dr. Draki took the last seat available on the love seat.

"Ok, here's the plan." Dr. Draki started and Duo saw Aski roll her eyes.

"Oh God, here we go with the 'game plan'!" She made quotes in the air with her fingers, and when Duo laughed this time he realized she was using humor to cover up her own trepidation about this whole affair. But Duo also recognized on of the doctors prominent techniques for his sessions. He laid it out so there were goals and boundaries.

"First, I'm going to sit and listen while Duo and Aski talk to each other, I'm timing that to a good forty five minutes," At Aski's groan he added, "If they feel they need to, that part can be cut short, but we have all afternoon so there's no use in rushing anything." After that, I'm going to talk with them for about twenty minuets, and then I want Duo to have a talk with Heero and Quatre while Aski takes a nap."

"Can I take my nap by the windows where me and Duo were?" Duo was surprised to see that she didn't contradict the prospect of the nap. Surely she was too old to be taking naps mid afternoon, but she just smiled when she got a nod from Quatre when Dr. Draki had turned the question over to him.

"After that, we'll all end it together and then we'll discuss our next appointment and I'll take Aski back to the hospital." Dr. Draki finished.

"Ok." Quatre agreed and Heero only nodded. Duo felt his heart thump roughly against his ribs as Heero and Quatre moved to leave the room. Heero must have seen something in his eyes though, because he made a detour to walk past Duo and reach out to give his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Then it was just him and their guests. Aski looked back at him and Dr. Draki just seemed to settle down for the long haul, glancing down at his watch and then giving Duo a nod of enthusiasm. He looked back at Aski who sighed heavily and made a big show of taking off her jacket. The hospitable gown was decorated up the sides with shoelaces that were striped red and black and woven into the seams. She had the sleeves decorated with winding vines done in what was probably black sharpie. Her arms were bare now and Duo realized they were just as scared as her face and neck where more scars danced, promising more along all of her body.

"So, how old are you?" Aski asked and draped her jacket backwards over her chair.

"I…I'm not one hundred percent sure, but around early twenties." Duo answered, feeling self conscious and wanting to curl in on himself, but surprisingly not in his usual way. This time it wasn't for his scars, but for the way this girl seemed to be able to blatantly ask anything that was on her mind and have it be almost an uncomfortable question even though it was one of the most normal things to ask.

"I'm seventeen." She said, and looked at him hard. "You look younger, like, just a little older than me."

"I guess I do." Duo said, knowing exactly how he looked.

"So what do you use?" She suddenly asked and Duo was completely thrown off by this question.

"Huh?" He so eloquently answered.

"What do you use?" She said more slowly, enunciating. "I think I've used everything at my disposal, well, before they put me in the hospital."

Duo looked at Dr. Draki in complete confusion, and he saw sadness there, behind his doctor's eyes, sadness when he looked at Aski. Duo turned back to her, probably even more confused.

"I've used broken plastic, keys, glass, razors I managed to pry apart, rocks, knives, forks, pieces of metal, staples, you name it I've probably tired it at least once." She looked…proud and Duo felt nausea rise in him with a sick realization.

"You…" He had to breathe and try again, "You did this to yourself?"

She paused and looked at him, "You didn't?"

"I was attacked, they used knives and lighters." Duo thought his voice would come out in a whisper, but it came out almost sounding strong.

"Oh, burns hurt worse." She looked away from him, almost embarrassed now, unsure of herself when faced with something she hadn't expected. She stole a glance at him, peeking through hair that had fallen foreword when she'd realized that what they had in common was something else after all.

"How…I mean…why?" Duo found the words spilled from him unbidden. She looked up at him and Duo saw defiance spring to life in her eyes. He recognized the look as one of his own, but he couldn't remember the last time he'd turned that gaze on someone else.

"Take off your sweater." She demanded. And Duo almost expected Dr. Draki to intervene, but he sat back and watched them. Duo hesitated a moment and then moved to do as she bid.

When he was sitting there in his red shirt with the sweater draped over the arm next to him, she stared openly at him. She stared as if she would memorize each one of his scars till she knew them as well as she knew her own. She seemed to be searching for something that was engraved in his skin; it was almost intimate except for the small frown on her face. After a while she was convinced of something and looked up at him.

"You wanna know why." She repeated his question as a statement. Duo nodded, taking a breath when he realized he'd been holding it.

Aski seemed to give it some thought and then simply said, "To Feel."

Duo was sure he looked like something closely resembling a dead fish, his mouth open in disbelief. "That's absurd!" He scoffed and then instantly shut his mouth; he hadn't meant to say that! But Aski just grinned at him.

"You're the first one to have that reaction!" She fairly crowed. "Everyone else tried to sympathize, or starts yelling at me, or talking to me like I'm some kind of skittish animal that's gonna run off and jump into traffic first chance it gets!"

Duo blushed slightly but looked at her more forcefully. "How in the world does this make you feel?"

"It's not just pain," Her voice became enthralling and Duo found it a bit unnerving that they were discussing what they were with such vehemence. "Adrenaline, relief, happiness, sadness, anger, I've got emotions flowing out of these wounds!"

"You're nuts, I can see why they locked you up." Dr. Draki almost did intervene then, but Aski let out a true gut busting laugh right then.

"Ok, you're my new best friend!" Aski said, wiping her eyes where tears started to from. "Why everyone else won't say that?"

"They're afraid of saying the wrong thing that will send you over the edge." Duo said, and he had a brief moment to wonder where that had come from, and then he thought back on every conversation he'd had with Heero, Quatre or Trowa. It had all been going over his head and he vaguely wondered how it was he could have missed that. It pissed him off now, not just for missing it, but that they'd done it in the first place.

The silence was thick, but Duo pushed forward, unwilling for this to end quiet yet. "I still don't understand how you could do this to yourself, why you're so…proud of it." Duo knew he wasn't going to get answers unless he was honest and just let his mind lead the way instead of thinking things over before he said them. This kind of confession was rare and usually only came out in some sort of therapy or in the darkness of early, early morning.

"Why shouldn't I be proud?" Aski demanded. "This is my body and I've marked it as I see fit. Each scar is a memory, something I will never forget. Something that will forever be a part of me." With that said she pulled down the collar of her shirt to reveal her right collar bone where the deepest of any of the scars he'd seen ran. There were vertical cut that ran parallel to each other, each the same length so that it looked as if someone had taken a tool to her skin rather than her running a piece of glass or a broken razor blade over herself one cut at a time. "Who give a fuck what other people think, they can stare all they want in my opinion."

It was a good solid hit to his gut.

Duo couldn't keep the shakes from growing stronger in his hands as a strong shiver traveled down his back. He jerked and shoved his hands together and between his knees to hold them still. All those eyes, all looking at him, all staring, all judging. He wasn't good enough, he was ugly, a L2 street rat. They knew he didn't belong there, doubted him, and blamed him.

"What's wrong?" Aski's voice brought him back somewhat from the precipice he'd been steadily headed for.

"Nothing." Duo muttered.

"Nuh-uh." She admonished. "That's what's really wrong with you, you care!" she accused and he felt her opinion of him drop and he found he couldn't keep meeting those black, black eyes of hers.

"You care what they think; you don't like it when they stare! It's not because you were attacked, you're one of those pilots. You're all addicted to drugs and feeling sorry for yourself because you care what some Joe walking down the street thinks of you when he sees you coming!" she was fairly yelling now, Feet uncurled from beneath her and pointing at him. "Never mind why I cut in the first place, why do you care?"

Duo stared at her in pure disbelief, it hurt. It hurt so much to have it finally turned around and thrown in his face. All those eyes, and those blue eyes, those Cobalt Blue eyes staring at him in disgust, rejecting him, telling him…

Heero.

Heero telling him that he was ugly, that he was something to be ashamed of. Jumped so soon after the war, not even by soldiers, by civilians. It was the way everyone at the hospital had reacted, and then Quatre too. They couldn't look at him the same way ever again. He wasn't worth looking at, he was a mass of scar tissue and bones, he was finally broken, not by war, but by drunken idiots with knives and lighters.

"He won't love me now." Duo heard someone say and thought about it and then said it again. It was the truth, what was so bad that had happened that he'd run away for five years? He had all sorts of other scars that were not traced back to that one day. Why did these ones made everything so different and changes things so suddenly? Was it the abrupt stop of the war, was it the sudden approach of reality? Was it because he'd finally realized that he'd survived the war and had to start over life from the beginning with nothing? He'd been thrown in the hospital and had hours to lie there and realize that he had nothing, nothing to offer, nothing to start with and now he looked like nothing.

"Who?" Aski's voice anchored him again and he was surprised that she always seemed to know when to speak and when not to, and what to say and what not to. Or maybe she was just as clueless as him and couldn't think of anything else to say.

"H-Heero." Duo stammered and felt tears building up, but vowing that he would not cry. He'd done enough of that already. Boys didn't cry, Solo had taught him that. How had he forgotten so soon?

"But, I thought…" Aski tried off, more confused than ever. She'd been sure from the looks the ruly haired guy had given Duo had spoken of more than friendship.

"Oh, no. He did say…he loves me." Duo admitted, feeling foolish and scared at the same time. Heero had told him in no uncertain terms that he cared for Duo, but it was all so surreal, it still felt like a lie for the hope, the hope he'd held out for so long that it had almost died, hope for something more than friendship after the war, that maybe he wasn't the only one who got a rush from just hearing a voice, from a simply friendly touch, from that sent.

"But you just said, ok, stop that right now! This is getting us no where!" Aski raised her voice again. He was floundering about so badly now that she couldn't make sense of anything he was saying.

"I can't…I mean, he said…but I…" Duo couldn't remember when he'd had more trouble with just words.

"Then let me. I'll talk and then you can tell me." Aski told him in no uncertain terms that she knew more about these therapy sessions than he did and he should just shut up and listen, so he did. He settled back with a slump and started to put himself back together as her voice washed over him, calm and cold.

"My parents didn't want me; I showed no promise with school, sports or art." Aski pulled her knees up to her chest, the only sign she gave that this bothered her at all. "They were enamored with my older sister, Joanna."

Duo felt a slight pain for her, but didn't interrupt. "She's very smart and very pretty, and she was the only one who loved me, took care of me. But she was only in middle school then. My mom got mad at me when she cooked for me, dressed me, bathed me, did anything that took time away from her studies." Aski shivered at the memory, trying not to let Duo see it, she could remember everything so vividly, she'd loved her sister more than anything and she'd never doubted her sisters love for her, even when her parents were so ready to admonish her for it, "So finally, one day when I was nine, she just took me to an orphanage and left me there. Anna tried to come after me, but she wasn't old enough and my parents just dragged her away. "

Aski took a shallow breath, trying not to see the faces of the other kids as she screamed for her parents not to take away her sister, They watched her with envy and disgust. They had not known their parents, what had she done to deserve a family and what had she done to throw it away when they didn't have anything? "I didn't get along with the other kids and I couldn't do anything special, I seemed to do everything the opposite of everyone else. So I just stopped trying and just let myself go on, hoping that one day I might just not wake up." She could remember that feeling, those thoughts, it made her heart skip beats, willing her to return to that existence, she had to get through this before it got more painful. So she just let the rest of the words pour out of her, trying not to think about them.

"I didn't want to kill myself cuz that would make Anna sad, but I stopped feeling anything. I couldn't hope for someone to come along and take me away from there, I was getting to old for adoption, I couldn't hope for my parents, they'd dropped me there in the first place, and I couldn't hope for Anna because she was still in school and couldn't take care of me."

Aski stopped and took a few big breaths, the way she was telling this, Duo could tell she'd done this a couple times before, and Dr. Draki looked pained, as if he'd heard it before but it stung just as much the second time as the first time to hear someone so young saying these things so easily and without tears.

"But I didn't like being numb all the time, so I picked fights with other kids, but I got in big trouble and they threatened to stop letting my sister send me things. She used to send me packages in the mail, little stuff she got with her allowance, but she never forgot. So I had to stop fighting. And that was when I found I could get the same rush from cutting. I had been beat up pretty bad, and the cuts felt so good when I reopened them!" Duo couldn't suppress the shudder that ran through him at that.

"So I made myself arm bands out of old socks and stole stuff from the first aide kit until one of the other girls saw me in the bathroom one night and told someone. I was sent away to a hospital where they wouldn't let my sister visit me and I just got worse. They couldn't take things away fast enough until I was just sitting in a padded room on the floor with a pillow and barely a stitch on me. But it felt so good, so good to just lay everything open, to forget everything else but that one blessed feeling. At first I couldn't stand not being able to anymore, I screamed for it, I begged, I fought. I bit myself in desperation and it wasn't enough. I wanted that feeling back so much, the blood, the rush, the pain, the shivers." She turned a glance at Dr. Draki and smiled at him, "that's when they sent him in. The first thing he did was let Anna see me!"

The doctor smiled back at her, kind and unconditionally, "Anna was trying to get custody of me, she turned eighteen and left our parents. They were really mad but she just scolded them and left." Aski beamed now, life returning to her black eyes after they'd turned dull from the story she was telling. "She said she would fight for me but I had to fight for her. I had to stop cutting." Then she looked a little uncomfortable. "But I didn't know how. I couldn't remember what it's felt like before I'd gone numb, it was like, I still had all those memories but no feelings to go with them. I forgot how it used to feel, who I used to be."

Duo was wide eyed now, and it clicked in his head, what had he been like before? He remembered the war, remembered things he'd said, remembered how he'd used to act around the others, but he couldn't remember how to be that way.

"So Dr. Draki helped me, he started me on pills so I wasn't sleeping all the time and it got easier not to cut. After a while, they let me have things back and Dr. Draki let me draw! He says I'm good, I told him he doesn't know shit about art!" She laughed. But it went through Duo, he caught the words, but he was stuck at that moment, trying to remember something from so long ago, trying to let her words guide him, but he was still so lost! "I got off the pills only a week ago." She said proudly and Duo brought his eyes into focus on her.

"How long?" He asked, not sure what he was asking, but she seemed to get it.

"I started cutting when I was ten, I cut for five years. I'm seventeen now, I've been with Dr. Draki for two years." Duo felt sick when she said 'five years' and almost left the room, but he forced himself to stay sitting and waited for the nausea to pass.

"I'm getting better, and if I can keep going like this, Anna is going to adopt me officially. She says I can come live with her in her condo. She had a room ready for me." Aski's smile this time was tentative, shy and a little worried, but hopeful.

Duo felt a lurch low in his gut, she smiled reassuringly at him, and he took deep breaths. He thought before he started to speak, trying to detach himself from his words, but in the end just gave up and let them come out of him on their own.

"The war ended about six years ago now. I was…I was a Gundam pilot, a mercenary, a murderer, a terrorist. My whole purpose in the war was to stop things, to end lives, to destroy. I'm not deserving of a normal life, and even if I was, I don't know how." Duo admitted it, it was something that had never been truly conscious in his mind, but now that he'd said it, the words rang with his own fears and disgust with himself.

"But, Heero was always there right next to me, I wasn't ever really alone. It took me a long time to realize I was in love with him. At first it was just friendship, I was honored that I was the only one he would talk to sometimes, that I was the one he turned to when he was injured as the one he would trust to get him through it. I never thought…" This next part was only recently and it was still hard from him to say out loud, as if that would make it untrue, that it would disappear in the harsh light of reality. "I never thought that he might feel the same about me. But even when I did realize I loved him, I hid it. You can't take chances like that during war, feelings like that only lead to distraction, and distraction in the middle of a fight means death."

Aski was watching him, listening as if nothing in the world mattered, "But, when it felt like things were finally reaching the end, I realized I might not live through it to the end of the war. So I talked to Heero one day, I told him that after the war was over I was going to take him with me to my favorite bar, that I was going to teach him how to be human and live in the real world, that I was going to try and help him live out the rest of this childhood we had. I thought…oh god! I thought I was better adjusted to living than he was. He went around feeling nothing and I went around feeling everything! I grew up on L2, I learned how to live on the streets, I thought I had a better grasp on the world than he did with…with how he was raised." Duo still found it hard to believe how wrong he'd been. It had crumbled his world a little more to find out all the guys were coping; all of them were living normal lives, all but him.

"So…" He pushed forward, not really wanting to speak the next words, not wanting to think about them at all, but the only way to get through this was to keep pushing forward. "So I picked a day and a time to meet him, after most of the hoopla had calmed down and they were finally starting to leave us to our own devices after honoring us in everyway they thought they could get away with. I was walking to meet him, it was late afternoon, I had planed on…I planned on getting drunk off my ass with Heero and dragging my ass home around dawn, both of us." Aski was solemn faced and kept her eyes on him, never wavering, never interrupting and he was grateful, this was something he couldn't even imagine ever telling the guys. Not Heero, not even ever understanding Quatre, he couldn't tell them, just couldn't.

"I was jumped on my way to the bar, I never even saw it coming." He said with disgust, "I was so giddy about going to meet Heero. They just hit me, and dragged me down that god forsaken alley. I didn't even know what was going on, my mind kept telling me the war was over and I couldn't hurt them, that they couldn't possibly be Oz." Duo found he had unconsciously wrapped his arms around himself and his shaking had gotten worse. "They got me to the ground and held me there before I finally thought to defend myself, and they just ripped off my cloths and started cutting. They burned and let me bleed, and carved and the whole time they were talking to me, jarring and I still can't remember what they said. I don't remember if they said why the attacked me, just went at it till I finally stopped fighting back. Do you know that I never even screamed for help?" Duo looked up at Aski and the horror filled his face. "If I had just gotten someone attention I could have saved myself from half of this! But I never made a sound."

Duo felt a scream building in his throat; he couldn't let it out, because if he did, he would never stop. He kept his mouth tightly shut while he tried to reign in that feeling, he couldn't start screaming here, he'd gotten this far, it was just a little more.

"Some one finally found me later, after they left me there, they called an ambulance, I don't even think I ever thanked them, I have no idea who it was. I can't even tell you if it was a man or a woman. They came and rushed me to the hospital and I remember thinking about Heero, sitting alone in that bar, waiting for me. I never apologized for that either." Duo felt the anger inside him building, it was deep seeded and always there, that repulsion and abhorrence he felt when he looked in mirrors. "They brought me back with blood transfusions and stitched me up. I looked like a bad horror movie when they were done. Something between Frankenstein's monster and a mummy."

Duo stopped, he found it difficult to breathe, for a minute he just tried to bring oxygen into his lungs while the doctor and Aski watched him, waiting. He was afraid he was going to have another attack now, but he couldn't let it take him away from this. If he stopped now he would never be able to finish, and he would never know then. Never know if she got the same looks, the way people stared or looked away, in fear and revulsion. Duo got his breathing under control and it wavered, but steadied with each full breath he took.

"I woke in the hospital wondering if anyone had told Heero where I was, wondering if he was still sitting there waiting for me. I had no idea how long I was out. But, a nurse came in a helped me to the bathroom. She waited for me outside and that was the first time I saw myself. In that stupid little room with those too bright lights and that smell that all hospitals have. I just looked up and I didn't even recognize myself. But it was my hair, and my eyes looking out of that terror. And my whole body was covered with it; I could feel every one of them." Duo looked up at Aski and wondered if she could ever really understand his feelings right then, they were two sides of the same coin, so alike and so different. Could she know what a horror it was that they were both scared for the rest of their lives?

"The nurse helped me back in bed and that was when I started to notice the looks. Everyone looking at me when they passed my room, they either stared or looked away quickly. They rushed past or lingered, even the nurses. Some of them wouldn't come into my room; they'd get someone else when I asked for help, someone who wasn't afraid or disgusted by me. Even the doctor looked at me with pity and was scared. I got myself out of there as quickly as I could. But of course they called Quatre, he's the emergency number on all my records, he'd been out of town on some official business but got back just in time to come in that last day. I was packing when he walked in," Duo remembered being ashamed at the hope that Quatre's voice had brought to him that day, before he'd turned around, "I let him sneak up on me, he was just standing in the door with those stupid flowers, but when I turned around I saw it on his face too. I didn't want it to be there, but who could blame him."

He'd known then, known that the look on Quatre's face right at that moment would be on everyone's face for the rest of his life. A life he'd stolen from others, and now he was just as ugly on the outside as he was on the inside.

"I rented a truck and just got away before I had to see that look on Heero's face." Duo finished. He couldn't go any further than that, he really didn't want to get into how he'd tried to live normally on that beach, without his friends, to go about his life, but how no matter where he went he was reminded of everything reflected back in everyone's eyes. How he'd begun to loath mirrors, how he'd smashed a window one day when he'd been thinking about Heero and had looked up to see those Scars taunting him. The pain was raw now, as real as it had been those first few days on his own. If he pushed anymore now it was all going to brake and shatter around him till he was cut up even more by the glass shards of his crushed life.

"But how did you know?" Aski's voice was harsh and sharp in the aftermath of his confession. He looked up at her, asking without speaking for her to elaborate, afraid that scream would escape if he opened his mouth.

"How did you know that Heero was going to react like everyone else? I saw him looking at you; he doesn't think you're ugly. He thinks you're beautiful." Aski reasoned. She may have been young, but she felt that she could at least recognize love when she saw it. She'd spent all those years watching her parts relish it on Joanna and not her, spent years yearning for it, always out of her reach.

"It was there!" Duo said in anger now, how could she doubt him? "He came after me, he made me show him, he looked at me and I saw it!" He was surprised to find that he was yelling now, and damn if it didn't feel good to finally be yelling at someone out loud and not silently at himself.

"Did you really see it, or did you see what you wanted to?" Dr. Draki finally spoke up. They both turned to him in surprise, as if forgetting that he'd been there all along, their silent spectator.

"I saw it in his eyes, his blue eyes, just like everyone else." Duo said and sank back into his chair in defeat. He felt washed out.

"I didn't see it." Aski muttered.

"Your time together is up, now it's time for the three of us to talk about this together. You've both heard each others stories and understand a little about what the other is feeling and what's brought you here today." Dr. Draki smiled gently at them, Duo thought he'd put gold stars on their shirts if he had them. "Duo, you need to really listen to what Aski is saying."

"Yeah!" Aski interrupted, "You're being stupid, I saw the way your friends look at you! They don't think you're ugly, they're worried about you, and they're sad that you look the way you do, but only because you're sad about it. It's sympathy because you feel so sorry for yourself, not disgust or horror or revulsion. They love you and want to help you, but you won't let them!" She looked as if she might get up and slap him, but she held her ground at her chair and kept a tight hold on the chairs arms. "I didn't want to let Joanna help me either, at first. I told her she should just leave me there to die and go on to collage. She's so smart! She can be anything she sets her mind too!"

Duo sneered at her, Aski sneered right back, "Do you know what she said to me? She said I was being stupid, that she loved me and if I was going to kill myself here that she was just going to go right on a follow me. That if she could be anything she wanted, why couldn't she be my guardian."

Duo didn't want to hear the words, he wanted them to be true, but some other part of him didn't believe he deserved any of this, that he didn't deserve Heero's love.

"Duo, you keep not hearing what people are telling you because you don't think you deserve any of this, you really think that you deserve to be back and alone in that apartment you told me about." Dr. Draki said gently, stopping Aski's tirade on him. "But you do deserve this, just as much as Aski or anyone else does. You need to learn to see that and accept it."

Duo didn't say anything, but listened and tried to reason with his twisted mind over all of this. If what they were saying was true than he'd messed up even bigger with those thrice damned pills. He'd made so many mistakes, but he was still here, and Heero still said he loved him; sill showed it, still slept with him every night and watched over him everyday. Quatre was still there, and Trowa; and Wu-Fei kept calling to check up on him, waiting for leave to come up and visit him.

If they were right and this was the way things were supposed to be, then he'd messed up so bad! He'd taken their love and shoved it back at them when he'd bought those pills from Melinda and he'd almost lost them all, lost Heero.

Duo couldn't keep the tears in and the scream escaped him, raw and ragged. He shoved his face into his hands and let the scream climb out of him till his throat hurt again and then he was swept up in strong, warm arms.

Duo's arms reached out and wrapped around Heero and help on for all he was worth. He screamed into Heero's chest and shook while his whole world stopped and rewound. He screamed till it felt as if his body fell away from him and something long buried and locked away inched out and blossomed in his chest.

Duo screamed till he couldn't any more and his sobs reduced themselves so nothing and he could hear Heero speaking softly to him, cradling him on the floor of the living room and rocking him. His voice was muttering small assuring nothings and promises to him, "its ok…I'm here…shhh, it's all right now."

Duo pushed away a little and Heero's arms relaxed enough to let him look around, but he didn't let go completely. Duo found that they were alone in the room.

"Where…?" Duo asked in a small voice, his throat sore now.

"Quatre is helping Dr. Draki put Aski down for her nap. She started crying too." Heero told him quietly.

"Is she ok?" Duo asked, surprised that he was so worried for her, she'd worked her way into his heart so easily.

"I think she's just on an emotional over load." Heero assured him, "She'll be fine after she sleeps a bit."

Duo nodded and leaned back in Heero's arms, accepting the comfort and warmth and closed his eyes, savoring the feeling he got there. He didn't remember ever feeling so safe before.

In length he finally pulled away and went to wash his face, slightly ashamed of his display, but everything felt so different now. He'd fallen, and Heero had been right there to catch him. He couldn't help smiling and returning to them where Heero promptly took his hand in his and held it, where it belonged. Quatre smiled at him and they shut the door quietly, Aski was dead asleep on a small futon set up under the windows she wanted, and clutching a stuffed animal that looked a little worse for wear.

Heero brought him to sit down on the couch, never letting go of his hand, but Duo was prone to leave it there himself, so he just smiled at the doctor.

"Is this step three?" He asked.

"Yes Duo, this is the part of the session where it's just the three of us." The doctor pulled out his watch and set his times. "Aski tends to sleep for about an hour and a half so we'll stop a little before then."

"I mean to ask you about that." Heero interrupted, and Duo was surprised, he'd been about to do the same thing.

"Oh?" Dr. Draki asked.

"How do you get her to take naps, is this something she does everyday?" Heero asked.

"Yes, after I took cutting away from Aski, her mind still had trouble and she became sleep deprived through her own means. Nightmares and adrenaline keep her awake at night so that she only ever gets a few hours at a time." Dr. Draki explained, "The only other time of the day when she is calm enough to rest is late in the afternoon. So she naps, perfectly happy to for she seldom has nightmares in the light of day. Its fear that keeps here awake at night a lot of the time."

"So how many hours is she getting a day?" Duo asked.

"Around five," The doctor said disappointment heavy in his voice. "I was hoping that number would improve after a while, but it seems we'll have to try something else now. But that's not your problem, don't worry about Aski, she's doing so much better, and with her sister Joanna helping, I have no doubt she'll be out of the hospital soon."

Duo couldn't help smiling at that, he could almost imagine her and her sister, who looked very alike in his mind, living in their condo, with Aski being home schooled and her sister taking college courses.

"Now, what I was hoping that would happen now is that you could tell Heero and Quatre a little of what you told Aski and me." Duo's smile was lost in his sudden trepidation.

"What?" He asked, unable to think of a more witty come back in the face of his sudden nervousness.

"You broke ground Duo, and I know how that makes me sound, but I really think you need to be able to say those things to Heero and your other friends." Dr. Draki's eyes had lost humor and were regarding him thoughtfully.

Duo's hand tightened on Heero's who tried to ease his sudden panic by running his thumb in unending circles on the back of his hand, but Duo just sat there grasping at him.

Dr. Draki sighed, seeing that it was too soon for Duo to be taking that step. "It's all right Duo, how about this instead, Heero and Quatre can talk while you listen."

"What about?" Heero asked cautiously.

"Any thing you want." Dr. Draki assured them. "I'm right here to help if you need it, but I really think communication between all of you is key."

"I'll start." Quatre suddenly ventured and Duo looked up in surprise. He'd been mostly quiet all day, as if stepping aside for Duo, but now he wanted in.

"Duo," He turned to his friend and Duo wanted to crack a smile at how this might look to an outsider, they could've filmed this and put it on any soap opera and it would fit right in. "I'm sorry that you are scared, and I'm even more sorry that you cannot look at yourself the same way you used to five years ago. I am here for you, for whatever you need, but I can't understand why you ran away. I guess I just want to say that, I think that was the wrong thing to do and I hope you never feel you have to run form us ever again. We love you, and those years weighed down on us, every minute of everyday. Wondering where you were, if you were ok, if you were safe. I know you after perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, you survived the war just like the rest of us, but don't ever do that again!" Quatre finished vehemently. "I was so worried about you, and then Heero found you and you were so lost, so hurt! You nearly drowned that one day and we didn't even know how close you'd come till later! You still had water in your lungs even when we finally found you! You could have caught pneumonia and died! You weren't taking care of yourself at all!"

Quatre looked close to tears, Duo wanted nothing more than to go over and hold him and comfort him the way Heero had done for him, but he didn't move, he let Quatre go on, let him say all the things he knew they'd been afraid to say since he'd come back with them. Afraid he would run again, it made him shameful and he felt his cheeks flush.

"Please, you have to know that we would never shun you for your looks! You taught us all right off the bat that looks could be so deceiving. You were one of our best pilots! You were a Gundam pilot! I still remember the way Heero and Wu-Fei regarded you when we all first meet each other, they didn't think much of you at all, but you just pushed forward and captured our hearts! Don't lose that! Don't lose yourself to this!"

Quatre did cry then and Heero let him go so he could go to Quatre's side and hold him. It had been so long since he'd embraced Quatre, he'd almost forgot how good it felt to hug the little blonde who fit under his chin and shook with tears till his huge heart was full to bursting.

"I'm sorry, I didn't even know how lost I was till you two came and found me! Quatre, it's ok, it's not too late, and you found me in time. I'm right here!" Duo spoke quietly into his hair, his hands running down Quatre's back. He wished a little that Trowa were here for his partner's sake, but he supposed Quatre's surrogate big brother was just going to have to do his best without.

Duo held Quatre until the tears stopped and he calmed down enough to sit back. Duo coaxed a smile out of him eventually and felt better about going back and sitting next to Heero. Then the quiet filled the room and everyone seemed to be expecting something, but when Duo looked up, it was Heero they were looking at.

Duo turned to him something akin to butterflies but sharper whipping around inside him. It was Heero's turn now, it felt a bit like they were all taking their turns to take blows at him, but he had to forcibly push that thought aside, knowing that wasn't what they were doing.

Heero suppressed a sigh, he felt a little of that same assault on Duo and was loath to join in, but he himself could not pass up this opportunity when Duo seemed to be both listening and understanding. Before now it was as if Duo was just drifting from day to day, but now it was like he'd stopped and looked around. Now that he had Duo's ear, he found that he didn't want to lose it, more than anything he loved Duo and wanted him happy. He would continue to love his little braided one with the elfish face and the amethyst eyes not matter what, but he missed the Duo he'd fallen in love with all those years ago and knew that that was when Duo had been the happiest.

"Duo…" He started and faltered.

Duo took his hand again and Heero looked up into those shockingly purple eyes. "It's ok Heero, just say it." Heero felt relief flood him, he was really talking to Duo now, and he was really there, looking back at him.

"I've missed you." Heero hadn't really meant to say that, but Duo understood the words for their true meaning. "I missed you so much; you were so far away from me, even when you were right here. I couldn't reach you and you were slipping away, you were…" Dieing. Heero couldn't bring himself to say it, but Duo heard the words anyway.

"And those pills, you said you only wanted to get better, but you couldn't even see how they were hurting you." Heero wouldn't cry, not in front of Quatre or the doctor, but Duo somehow felt all the emotions behind Heero's voice and it was as if, just to him, Heero was crying. It felt like someone had just taken his heart and shoved it, still beating, into a broken generator.

"I love you so damned much. You…you can't leave me again. I keep losing you and I can't… I just can't." Heero gripped Duo's hand hard and would have had his arms around that lithe body if only everyone would just disappear!

"I'm sorry." Duo whispered in the face of Heero's words, he couldn't think of anything else, but a part of him soared at Heero's words, even though he knew he shouldn't, Heero loved him, couldn't lose him, he needed him just as much as Duo needed Heero!

"Don't ever disappear like that again! Stay with me," And Heero seemed to forget the people around him for a moment because his next words were not something he would have had anyone else hear, "Stay with me, forever, We can get a house, a cat, we can fight about whose turn it is to cook dinner, it'll have a computer room just for you, just don't ever leave me!"

Duo was so hungry, so eager to hold onto those words, it was more than he'd ever even thought to hope for. More than he deserved. But Heero Yuy wanted a home, not a house, a home…with him! He wanted all those normal things that Duo had only ever glimpsed on TV or in other peoples houses while he was no some mission. He wanted the life they'd all been promised but didn't seem to be able to grasp.

Tears fell down Duo's face for the both of them, he didn't sob, just cried quietly and looked back at Heero who seemed to be waiting, waiting for Duo's answer, waiting with his heart held out, slightly broken, but full of love for him.

"I want that too." Duo said his voice thick with tears.

They didn't embrace as Duo and Quatre had, they merely held hands, grounding themselves, but refraining form any uncomfortable displays in front of the doctor and Quatre. Heero did move his leg so that it touched Duo's, a straight line from hip to ankle, and Duo felt the promise of more for later, when there weren't any eyes on them.

Dr. Draki smiled at them, Quatre beamed and held back tears of a different kind this time, and Duo felt himself blushing to the roots of his bangs. He absently played with the end of his braid with his other hand, finding the carpet particularly interesting.

"Well, Aski will be waking soon." Duo looked up in surprise, had that much time really gone by, with just them talking? "I wonder if I might trouble you and stay for an afternoon snack?" Dr. Draki asked Quatre.

"Of course!" Quatre beamed, he was up and calling for Gill while Heero and Duo smiled at each other. Quatre loved large meals with lots of people, always had. Duo could just imagine him as the hostess with Trowa standing in a corner trying not to get swept away in the river of caterers and party planners.

"Duo," Dr. Draki called him back to look at him. "What you have here, you more than deserve, and your friends have proved over and over again that your fears are groundless. Don't ever lose yourself like that again because you think you're unworthy." He turned to Heero, "And I expect you to remind him everyday."

Heero nodded solemnly as if to say that he didn't need telling, he'd already planned to do just that.

Aski wondered in, doe eyed with tousled hair. She had the stuffed animal tucked up under one arm and smiled at Duo. She glanced down at his hand grasped in Duo's and said, "Told you he loved you."

Quatre had Gill bring out sandwiches and chips for them, and they all sat around one corner of that impossibly big table. Duo nibbled a little at his sandwich, he wasn't feeling very hungry, even though he should be ravenous after such an exhausting day.

Aski tore into her portions; she talked avidly to both Heero and Quatre. Duo tried to join in whenever the conversation moved to include him, but he couldn't seem to keep it going without someone helping. The only one who noticed was Heero, Duo was a very good actor, and Heero could remember him smoothing the toughest situations over with just short words and a smile. It was no wonder Quatre and Dr. Draki didn't notice with Aski dominating the table, but Heero found himself tuned into Duo's every move, every breath and every change his eyes made. It had become second nature to him again now that Duo was back with them. He used to do it during the war, secretly. He'd watch Duo and try to put some puzzle together in his mind that made sense, but every time he'd thought he'd had a good grasp, something Duo would do would make it slide out of his reach again.

But now, Now Heero could see Duo forcing it, could see the wariness behind his mask, and the utter exhaustion. He wanted to make everyone leave and go and put Duo to bed, but he wasn't sure how well that would go over, he had a feeling that Duo wasn't going to let him make all his decision for him anymore. It seemed as if something was shifting inside of him, and this current Duo, the one that let him take charge, the one that hid and let himself be pushed, was about to disappear. It was a good thing, but a part of Heero was whispering little reminders about how good it had felt to be taking care of Duo, even through the pills, even after, through the withdrawal.

"Duo?" Dr. Draki called them both back "Do you want to continue our once a week sessions?"

Duo was stunned in the face of such a sudden question. He didn't know how to answer, more than anything he wanted all of this to be done and over with, to forget he'd ever been dumb enough to buy black market pills, but he'd come to rely on the doctor so much. And he'd just meet Aski; he wanted to make sure she made it through just as well as he did.

"We won't be stopping, not by a long shot, maybe just move them down to once every two weeks, and you can still call me anytime." Dr. Draki assured him, seeing the contemplation behind Duo's eyes.

"It's all right to say no Duo, you can ask for what you want." Duo felt some of the tension leave his back, without the pressure there it actually did sound like an ok idea.

Duo nodded, and then realized they probably didn't know what he was nodding to and said, "Two weeks sounds good."

Dr. Draki smiled and Aski gave him thumbs up and a wink. Heero and Quatre were beaming at him and Duo had to duck behind his bangs before they sat there and watched him turn a most interesting shade of red.

Dr. Draki left with Aski in tow, who was loath to leave Duo and the others, she wanted to talk to Duo about his scars, but Dr. Draki told her it was enough, and had to promise that he'd arrange another group session when he thought they were ready to get her to willingly leave with him.

"Bye Duo!" Aski called out the window and Duo was ashamed that he was glad not to have to talk to her anymore tonight and waved exuberantly after her.

When they were gone from sight, Duo trudged back in and just stood in the entrance hall for a few minutes, staring blankly at nothing.

"Are you hungry Duo?" Quatre asked gently. Duo looked up confused, "I know we just ate, but you really didn't eat that much, and neither did Heero or I, it was more for Dr. Draki and Aski who have a few hours a head of them before they're back at the hospital."

Duo thought about it, a part of him was hungry, but the rest of him was just ignoring it, telling Duo that he had more important things to think about. "I guess." He admitted.

"I'll tell Gill." Quatre smiled and walked off.

Heero came up on Duo's side, hesitant, but impending all the same. "Are you ok Duo?" He asked gently.

"I'm fine." Duo answered automatically.

"No you're not, something's bothering you." Heero admonished.

Duo cringed, was he really that damn readable? Anger grew inside, was he completely unable to hide anything anymore, from anyone? Aski was able to read him and he'd never even spoken to her before!

Duo pushed away from Heero, he needed time to think, he needed to mull this over, something was wrong here. Really wrong, and he couldn't figure it out, or why he hadn't noticed before.

"Duo…" Heero started but Duo flashed his eyes at Heero and stalked off.

Heero was at a loss, Duo had made a break through of some kind today, but now he was closing off in a way Heero remembered from the war, after some rather ghastly battles, and that wasn't good. Duo should be resting, should be relaxing now that it was all over, but he seemed more wound up than ever.

Duo strode out of the room and towards the back of the mansion, there was a covered porch there that Duo didn't care much for, but he went there now. There was one of those swings that was really just a bench suspended in the air instead of sitting no the ground, and Duo sat there. It was chilly now and Duo realized he hadn't put his sweater back on after Aski had told him to take it off.

He sat there and stared out into the growing dark, it was falling, and Duo remembered when he'd first come to Earth and he'd finally understood what all those books Sister Helen had read to him so long ago had meant about night falling. Night didn't fall on L2, it just was. Thinking about it Duo remembered how enchanting Earth had been back then, how everything had amazed him, how he never wanted to lose that feeling, that awe. When had everything started to hurt? When had Earth gone from being enchanting to just painful?

The ocean, the sun, the rain, it all hurt so much. Had it been before the scars or after, had it been during the war? He couldn't remember; everything he thought about led back to that alley. Back to that moment when he'd seen that look on Quatre's face and knew he couldn't, just plain couldn't ever see that look on Heero's face.

Except…

Except that he had. He'd seen that look, that pity, that sorrow, that disgust. But it hadn't been disgust at him; it's been anger towards them. Those drunken civilians, those long gone, faces forgotten, lost to time idiots that had lucked out and gotten he drop on him. If he really thought about it, he'd seen the look on Heero's face, the look he'd dreaded, the look he saw on everyone else's face where ever he went, and now it was gone. It had been there for one fleeting moment, one horrible, terrifying moment in a dank apartment, thousands of miles away and belonging to someone else now, and then it had vanished.

Heero had come back, had come back with Quatre, they had come back for him and taken him away from those dark rooms full of shattered glass and whisked him away to…this place.

But what was this place? A sanctuary? A clinic? A hidey-hole? A safe house? That one hit Duo hard, hit him and then kicked him when he was down. Duo shoved his hands into his hair and rested his elbows on his knees. His braid fought till strands fell around his face, free of his hair tie and he imagined he looked like he' just come through a meat grinder.

He was still sitting like that when Heero came to get him for dinner.

"Duo?" Heero asked quietly, Duo jerked but didn't move.

"Duo, love, are you ok?" Duo flinched, that wasn't Heero, couldn't be, Heero didn't use pet names or endearments. When had his world been flipped around so badly? When did he become this person who lived out these feeble existence and the expense of those around him only to throw it back in their faces with a sorry excuse for a half-assed suicide attempt.

"Duo…" Heero started to reach out for him, Duo couldn't remember when he'd gotten so close, hadn't he just been standing in the doorway?

Duo stood up really fast and stared past Heero, out into the dark, his answers weren't there, but maybe the right questions were.

"I'm fine." Duo barked out automatically and tore his eyes away from his frantic search, "Dinner's ready then?"

Heero looked like he wanted to sit Duo back down and stay there until Duo had spilled everything, but he only nodded.

"Great!" Duo rushed past him and retreated inside. Heero held back a sigh and just followed.

Duo plastered a smile to his face and went to sit at 'his seat' at the table. He stared down at the food and then grinned up at Quatre, a mask of elation. It was one of Duo's favorite dishes, A hearty stew and corn bread, something he'd learned to love when they'd been at a safe house oh so long ago. But inside Duo could feel it twisting in his gut even more, safe house, that's what this was, a time for recovery between missions, between leaving and maybe not ever coming back.

Duo sat and tried to force down the food, he heard Heero asking Quatre about Trowa who had apparently gotten a phone call while he'd been out on the porch and tried to think of something to say that would put him in this conversation, that would assure Heero he was fine, that would bring him back to himself instead of this out of body feeling he'd been having ever since the day had started, ever since he'd gone and done the one thing he never would have thought he'd ever do. Ever since he ran away.

Heero and Quatre jerked towards Duo in surprise as he ran the fork in his hand into the table with a loud thunk that shook the whole thing and rattled the dishes.

"Duo…?" Quatre called in a tiny voice that almost didn't carry in the big room. Duo began to visibly shake and both Heero and Quatre were up and at his side in a moment.

He looked up at them, tears in his eyes, but not falling, pain on his face, but nothing coming out of his mouth.

"I…I…" Duo tried, had to stop, breathe and try again, "I don't remember." He fairly wailed.

"Don't remember what, Duo?" Quatre asked his voice calm and comforting.

"Anything!" Duo practically yelled. "I don't remember when I stopped being me!"

Heero pushed the chair back and pulled Duo up against him so that Duo's arms wound tight round his waist and he burring his face into Heero's body, his voice still coming, slightly muffled.

"I don't remember when I stopped smiling, I don't remember when I started hiding so damn much, I don't remember how to laugh, I just don't fucking remember!"

"Oh Duo!" Quatre's heart broke, "I remember, and so does Heero, we all remember! Just please, please let us help you! Please!"

Duo numbly nodded into Heero's body and Heero felt everything slide off his shoulders, it was as if everything suddenly became brighter and clear. His heart broke and pulled itself back together instantly. This was what he'd been waiting for all along, this was what Duo needed, to finally let go, to let go of what he'd become and remember who he was.

Heero spent the next few hours making sure Duo ate a little more, calmed down and got a shower. He helped Duo get his hair brushed out and loosely braided so I was out of the way, but would dry. Duo climbed into bed in his black boxers and Heero turned off the light and got in on the other side. He began to tuck Duo in against his chest, the way that had been sleeping every night. But tonight, Duo found that he didn't drift off right away, his head was swimming around, buzzing with everything that he'd heard today. His voice reached out in the dark, small, but Heero heard it.

"Did you mean what you said today?"

"About what?" Heero's voice was equally as soft, as if they were afraid to break something in this darkness that would take this moment away.

"When you said you wanted us to have a house." Duo felt his lip trembling, but bit down on it in an effort not to spoil this.

"I mean every word. I want it all, the cat, the fights, the computer room, everything." Heero said gruffly in his ear and it sent a shiver down Duo's back. He turned himself around and kissed Heero, long and deep.

Heero kissed him back hungrily, kissed him as if he would drink him in right there, as a starving man would his first drink in years. Duo moaned underneath him and his hands came up and his fingers delved into Heero's hair, taking hold and pulling him down till their bodies entangled with each other.

Duo drew back with a shuddering gasp, he closed his eyes and savored the taste of Heero on his tongue. "Oh, gods! I've wanted to do that for so long!"

Heero stared down at Duo as if he would memorize every inch of him, even if he already had. He asked a question with his eyes, need and hunger plain in his gaze.

Duo relinquished and raised his face for more. Heero ravished his mouth, and when that wasn't enough, he began to trail hot kisses down his face to his neck and collar bone. Duo shivered as Heero's hot tongue lapped at his scars, not ignoring them, but dancing along his skin as if they weren't event here. He was surprised at how quickly this passion was ignited inside him, though Heero seemed half starved with his need to touch him. Each touch brought Duo closer to something, but still leaving him hungry for more.

"Please….please!" Duo gasped, not even sure what he was asking. He held tightly to Heero and shoved himself as close as he could get to Heero with his boxers still on and Heero in pajama bottoms.

Heero paused and rose up to look down at him. Duo looked up and he felt it like something settled in his mind, a light came on and all that. He just knew at that moment and looked up at Heero and said, softly, "Make love to me?"

"Whenever, wherever." Heero put everything he had into those two words, ever promise he could make, every moment since he'd realized he loved this man and couldn't touch him, all the love he felt now and forever.

Duo brought him down and their lips locked. Heero's hands came up, almost hesitantly, but when Duo's body responded eagerly beneath him, he became bold and soon they had both lost the last of their cloths and were finally skin to skin. There was an almost collected breath of relief from both of them, but it was short lived in the presence of this new hunger. Heero nibbled along Duo's skin as Duo explored his body with tight muscles under surprisingly soft skin. Duo moaned and gasped as Heero took his tongue and danced around his nipples and down his stomach.

Heero found Duo's braid and stole the hair tie away from it, he ran his hands through the damp, chestnut silk till Duo's hair lay around them in small waves and he could feel it rubbing against him. His cock hardened to the point of aching and as Duo's hand suddenly wrapped itself around him, it was all he could do not to cum right then.

"Oh, gods! Don't move, don't move or I won't last." Heero begged, Duo smiled wickedly at this new found power, but held still, just relishing in the feel of Heero beneath his fingers, velvet softness around a pulsating hardness that felt so good.

He waited till Heero looked down at him again, fire burned in Heero's eyes and he growled low in his throat so that Duo shivered and was forced to let go of him so that Heero could swing his legs up and around his waist.

Duo shivered as Heero produced lube from somewhere and readied his entrance.

"Duo, love…?" Heero asked once more, and Duo thought he might scream.

"Please, oh gods, if you don't fuck me right now I'm going to have to kill something!" Duo begged and was rewarded when Heero began to work himself inside him. Duo cringed at first, pain coming sharp and he felt fear for not being able to take in Heero.

But Heero just moaned and hissed through his teeth. "So tight…so hot."

He sheathed himself completely inside Duo and they paused as Duo adjusted and wriggled till he encompassed Heero comfortably. Heero kissed Duo fiercely and deep amethyst eyes stared back, love and shock shown out of Duo's face, he'd never felt this before. Safe and completed at the same time as he felt such hunger and possessiveness.

"Wanted you for so long!" Heero ground out as he started up a rhythm.

"Should have said so sooner!" Duo gasped at the feel of Heero moving steadily inside him.

"Gods! Don't you ever leave me again!" Heero cried as he reached out and encompassed Duo's own erection with his hand and began to pump.

"Never!" Duo promised as he felt his climax building. He held onto Heero for all he was worth as everything around them pitched and turned.

Heero cried out as he came and the feel of his hot seed deep inside him was all it took to send Duo over and he shot into Heero's hand and over their bellies.

Heero stayed inside Duo, holding tightly to him and kissing him again, delving into his mouth and loving the feel of Duo's legs still wrapped tightly around him.

"Thank you." Duo whispered and surprised a chuckle out of him.

"You're so beautiful." Heero whispered huskily into Duo's ear and the look on his face as he looked down at his lover was the greatest gift he could have ever given him.

Duo cried a little after that and Heero just held him, whispering softly to him until he began to drift towards sleep. He left the bed long enough to get them both clean and then wrapped Duo up in his arms as Duo finally gave in.

"Love you!" Heero whispered as he kissed Duo lightly on the forehead.

"Always and forever." Duo promised sleepily and then was gone from the world into blessed sleep.

Heero waited a while, watching Duo, before he allowed himself to drift off as well. And that night, Duo didn't have any nightmares and slept clean through the night without and trouble breathing. In the morning his hands still shook, but Heero kissed away all his worry over it and they slept away half the day in each others arms. Content.