Jokes retrieved from:
Jokes
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but then again, who's really watching?
Q: How many alto saxophone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll go through a whole box of them before they find just the right one!
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, there's a machine to do that now.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbuld?
A: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Q: How many floutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six--One to get the chair to stand on, one to stand on the chair and actually screw it in, one to pull the chair out from under her, and three more to complain about how much better they could have done it.
Q: How many french horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll spend two hours checking it for alignment and leaks.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--they hold it up and the world revolves around them!
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three--one to hold it up, and two to drink until the room spins.
Back to the top
Who's At The Door
Q: How do you know when a clarinetist is at your door?
A: They don't know which key to use or where to enter.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
Q: How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
A: The doorbell drags.
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
Back to the top
Double Lipping
I received this in an email many moons ago on the klarinet mailing list. Interested? Go to to subscribe.
Original Email:
i've heard several people mention double lipping on the list and have to confess to being totally bewildered - what is this? Is someone could enlighten me i would me most grateful!
Reference:
Doubling lipping is actually when you play clarinet covering both your bottom & top teeth with your lips. (Opposed to when you cover only your bottom teeth & rest your top teeth on the mp)
Reply:
Basically, the farther back you sit in an orchestra, the more double lipping you do. The clarinets, being close to the back, are prone to it. Some are able to resist, but many succumb. The brass are a lost cause, of course. The bassoons, next to the clarinets, tend to get away with it too.
The technique is this: Slump down in your chair so you are hidden from the view of the conductor by the music stand. This gives you the illusion of being out of sight. Then find any and all things going on in or out of the rehearsal that you can possibly complain about. Then begin to complain.
Mutter so that your witty observations don't reach the front of the orchestra. This, along with the slump, continues to preserve the illusion that the conductor will assume you are paying rapt attention to the violin bowings, or that you are contemplating how what he's saying will effect your interpretation of the passage in front of you (since your head is five inches from your music stand, you must be studying your part). Once you have the complaining down, try throwing in a few jokes. The key to successful double lipping is judging the room. If your colleagues aren't working to not laugh, you need more practice. If you get an evil glare from up front, you definitely need to lay back. The average time to develop a professional double lipping technique is six years.
Back to the top
Woodwind Jokes
Basoon Jokes
Q: What makes a basoon better than an oboe?
A: The basoon burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a basoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!
Clarinet Jokes
A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:
Flute Brains $1/lb
Tuba Brains $10/lb
Percussion Brains $5/lb
Clarinet Brains $100/lb
He asks the butcher why clarinet brains are so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose!
Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an onion!
Q: Why do clarinetists put their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: Why do oboists put their oboes in clarinet cases?
A: So they won't get stolen!
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do a clarinet and a law suit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist?
A: Confused.
Flute/Piccolo Jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two floutists playing in unison.
Q: What's the difference between a floutist and a seamstress?
A: A seamstress tucks the frills.
(now switch the t and the f and you'll get it)
Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: Impossible.
Oboe Jokes
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his tuner.
Three oboes play in tune the same way three men keep a secret.
(You know, the proverb, "Three men can keep a secret if two are dead.")
Saxophone Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a dead saxophonist and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks infront of the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: The neighbors get upset when you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
Back to the top
Brass Jokes
French Horn Jokes
Q: What makes the french horn such a divine instrument?
A: Because man blows in, but only God knows what comes out!
Trombone Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead squirrel in the road?
A: The squirrel might have been on its way to a gig.
Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: They don't know how to use the slide and can't swing.
Trumpet Jokes
Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the trumpet and doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Tuba Jokes
Two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
Back to the top
Drummer Jokes
Q: What's the difference between drummers and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians alot?
A: A drummer.
Q: How do you confuse a drummer?
A: Put music infront of him.
Q: If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A: The drummer with bad time--the other three don't exist.
Q: Hey did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me neither.
Back to the top
Musician Jokes
How many musician jokes are there?
Only one--all the rest are true!
Two men were at a bar and one said, "Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175." The other responded, "That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" "I'm a physicist." Was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I."
This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.
At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"
Q: What would a musician do if they won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until it ran out.
A little boy tells his mommy, "I want to be a musician when I grow up!"
His mother replies, "But honey, you know you can't do both."
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
Back to the top
Conductor
Q: What do you need when a group of conductors are up to their necks in concrete?
A: More concrete.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Five minutes before a concert, the manager is running around in hysterics. "We can't find the conductor!" he cries. Running out to the audience, he asks if anyone can conduct. No one. He runs out to the street and asks again. No one. Finally, in a last desperate attempt, he runs to the alley where he finds a dog, a cat, and a horse. "Can any of you conduct?" he asks. "I don't know," they replied, "But we'll give it a try." Each gives it a try starting with the cat, but he just can't seem to get his ears to twitch in time. Then the dog gives it a try, but he can't seem to wag his tail in time either. Finally, the horse tries. "Perfect, that's perfect!" the manager cries, "Come, quickly!" "You don't think the orchestra will mind?" the horse asks.
"Trust me," the manager says, "They'll never know the difference!"
Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and a conductor and had a gun but only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice--just in case.
Back to the top
Mr. Maltester's John Philip Sousa Joke
When John Philip Sousa first came to the United States, his name was actually John Philip So. However, he decided that since he loved our nation so much, he'd add USA to the end of his name.
Haha. Very funny.
Back to the top
Composer Jokes
Q: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
A: Because they always ran around screaming, "Bach! Bach! Bach!"
"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds."
Mark Twain
Speilsberg thought of an idea for a action drama about famous musicians played by superstars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwartzenegger all showed up. Speilberg told them to pick what musician they wanted to be as long as they were famous.
"I'll be Mozart because I've always admired his classial music," said Stallone.
"I liked Chopin's piano music and I think I'll play his role," said Bruce.
"I think I'll be Beethoven because he wrote excellent music," Segall said.
Speilburg was excited because he loved this idea. When he asked who Arnold would be, Arnold said, "I'll be Bach".
Back to the top
Band Gods
Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to god
Trombone player:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with god
Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks to god if special request is approved
Floutist:
Rarely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by god
Bassoonist:
Makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog-paddles
Talks to animals
Saxophone player:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
Is not issued any ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls, argues with himself
Clarinet player:
Too afraid too jump building because of their reed
Works in locomotives
Too busy with reed for gun
Throws reed into water
Thinks reed is god
Trumpet player:
Argues with building when it won't get out of the way
Sleeps in locomotive
Claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth when explaining why he really can't
Saves water to drink after every triple C
Thinks he's god.
Tuba player:
Don't really exist
Plays silently
Are really mimes in disguise
Believe there is no god
Percussionist:
Falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses arguments with himself
Horn player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is god
Back to the top
Do What?
Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.
Altos have body.
Bach did it with the organ.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it in public.
Band members do it in sectionals.
Band members do it on a football field.
Basses and altos do it lower.
Basses have rhythm.
Beethoven did it passionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Cymbal players do it with a crash.
DJs do it on request.
DJs do it on the air.
Drummers beat it.
Drummers do it in 4/4 time.
Drummers do it longer.
Drummers do it on their heads.
Drummers do it with both hands and feet.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Drummers pound it.
FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.
Frank Sinatra does it his way.
Music hackers do it at 3 am.
Music hackers do it audibly.
Music hackers do it in concert.
Music hackers do it in scores.
Music hackers do it with more movements.
Music hackers do it with their organs.
Music hackers want to do it in real-time.
Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians duet together.
Piano players have faster fingers.
Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments.
Singers do it with their diaphragms.
Sopranos do it higher.
Sopranos do it in unison.
Tenors have breath control.
Trombone players do it in 7 positions.
Trombones do it faster.
Trombonists use more positions.
Trumpet players blow the best.
Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.
Tuba players do it with big horns.
Tubas do it deeper.
Violinists do it gently.
Violists do it alone.
Violoncellists do it low.
Virtuosi appreciate it.
Vocalists are good in their mouths.
Woodwind players do it in the reeds.
Back to the top
Inventions
Why were clarinets invented?
For one of three reasons. To make an oboe that looks good, to mess up someone's fingers, or so there would be someone to steal reeds from.
Why were oboes invented?
To make you hyperventilate.
Why were flutes invented?
To hit the person on the right.
Why were piccolos invented?
To give the whole orchestra a headache.
Why were trumpets invented?
To make people go deaf.
Why were trombones invented?
To break your arm.
Why were baritones invented?
Because someone thought the tuba should have a baby.
Why were string instruments invented?
To frustrate a person in tuning them.
Why were pianos invented?
To confuse those bright people.