How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
You shoot one.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the oboe recital.
What's the differance between a SCUD missile and a bad oboeist?
A bad oboeist can kill you.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Very gifted.
What's the definition of a true bando?
Someone who owns his own contra bass clarinet.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.
What is the main reason for air pollution?
So much of it has passed through saxophones.
What's the differance between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
Brass Jokes
What's the differance between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and for to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of tast.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
An optimist.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take off the Domino's Pizza sign from the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
What is the differance between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
How many French Hornplayers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend 2 hours checking the bulb for allignment and leaks.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Jokes
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What's the differance between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the info in once.