Disclaimer: Alas, it is still not mine.
Author's Note: I had forgotten how completely silly the ending to this story was. Thanks to those to those who have read, and I hope you enjoy the final installment!
-
Chapter Six: Crime and Punishment
-
The next morning, despite the fact that it was a Monday, and the most horrible classes imaginable were going to take place, Sirius Black smiled. After a long, heated discussion a suitable punishment for the crimes committed by Severus Snape and Regulus Black had been decided on. By the time he returned to the dormitory to sleep, it would be with justice still ringing in his heart.
Sirius climbed out of bed, yawned, and after throwing on his robes, went to breakfast. Lupin was predictably only half eating, absorbed instead in a new novel. James and Lily were carrying on with themselves, and Peter was still up at the dormitory sleeping. "Good morning," he greeted them brightly, and took a seat. "How do you all fare on this fine day?"
"Wonderful!" exclaimed James, "Thank you for asking!" He took a large bite of toast smeared with some sort of orange marmalade, and grinned.
After searching the table for the green pastries, Sirius sat down. "So, has anyone gotten any mail today? Fine day for mail." He gave up on the pastries, and instead helped himself to a heaping plate of cinnamon rolls. Just then, as if to answer his question, a flock of owls flew in. Grinning as he sipped his pumpkin juice, he looked gleefully across the hall. "Ah, nothing like a little revenge to start your day."
Just then, the unmistakable shriek of a Howler rang through the Great Hall. By the sounds of things, it seemed to be coming from the Slytherin table. "REGULUS BLACK!!! HOW DARE YOU 'GO OUT' WITH THAT GIRL! I ABSOLUTELY FORBID YOU TO SEE HER EVER AGAIN!!! A HALFBLOOD??? AND A HUFFLEPUFF??? I AM APALLED, AND ASHAMED TO CALL YOU MY SON!!!!" There was a small burst of flame, and the shrieking stopped.
The entire student body started to snicker quietly, and while a buzz of conversation began at the Hufflepuff table, all the Slytherin students were stating at Regulus as if he was the carrier of some contagious disease. Knowing full well that their mother normally found it "crude" to send Howlers, Regulus glared across the hall at his brother, his face bright red from shame.
Sirius grinned back, and waved, stuffing a roll into his mouth. "Think he expects what's coming next?" he asked, batting his eyes sweetly in his brother's direction. "Thinks he even has a clue?"
"I wouldn't count on it," James said, averting his eyes from the scene as if the Howler was something he had no knowledge about, and had already lost interest in. Lily even scolded him for turning to stare at somebody who was obviously an innocent caught between love and his pureblood parents' ideals.
Sirius grinned, and took a triumphant bite of his breakfast. It couldn't have been better if he had cursed Regulus into a pile of dragon dung. The other Slytherins were still staring at Regulus suspiciously, though he seemed to be frantically explaining things to those immediately next to him. "And next it'll be little Snivelly's turn," sighed Sirius in a singsong voice.
After his last comment, as if on cue, Snape entered the Great Hall. He looked about at the confusion, and took a tentative seat next to the very red Regulus Black. He turned to Snape, and immediately began to gesture wildly and point at the ashes of the former Howler. As he did so, a late owl flew in, and landed clumsily on top of a bowl of fruit, a small, lumpy package dangling from its leg. Snape turned to it, and looked sideways at Regulus before reaching to untie it.
James snorted into his pumpkin juice, and stole a quick glance at the two Slytherins before turning to Lupin and Sirius. "I give him about thirty seconds before he gets it open…Marauders, congratulations on Phase One of the Giving-Slimy-Slytherins-Hell Plan."
Unable to exchange high fives (too conspicuous) they all tipped their glasses of pumpkin juice at one another and drank heartily. Just as James completed the countdown under his breath, they heard righteous stuttering from the Slytherin table. Sirius glanced over sideways at Snape and snorted into his juice.
"You all right?" Lupin asked, struggling to contain a grin himself. He could only imagine the look on Snape's face at his newly received dog bowl and collar each proclaiming "Sev" scripted onto bronze. A little note that would burn itself upon being read so as not leave behind incriminating evidence read: To our favorite little lapdog signed with lips, contribution of Sirius.
They had vetoed the idea of giving him a set of clean underwear with a note attached, deciding that the better way to get back at Snape was being just as sly as he was. The underwear bit could be deduced as a gift from the Maruaders even by the youngest Hufflepuff student in the castle, but the dog items could be written off as anything, really. Only Snape would truly know what they stood for, which just made it that much better.
James carefully ignored the Slytherin table, and turned to the other Marauders. "That was excellent! I haven't seen Snivelly that red in a long time! Though, later today should pose as a rival to that." He raised his eyebrows, and nodded seriously. "Yes, later should be quite memorable…"
-
After breakfast, Lupin stopped by the greenhouses to hand in his Herbology essay, complete with the flower sample. It wasn't due until Tuesday, but the werewolf had wanted to hand it in while the flowers were still fresh. Sirius went with him, smiling to himself as he saw the tiny flowers. As they left, Sirius nudged Lupin with his elbow. "Want to know something pathetic?"
The werewolf raised his eyebrows, in an expression that said "Do tell." Sirius blushed as they headed towards Defense Against the Dark Arts, and half-whispered, "I took one of those flowers, and put a charm on it so it won't wilt. Pretty stupid, huh?"
"Exceedingly so," Lupin replied without missing a beat. He smiled and grabbed Sirius's arm, then leaned over to talk into his ear. "To tell you the truth," he said softly. "I did the same thing." Then, with a grin, he let go and entered the room, greeting Peter and asking if he had finished his essay all right.
Sirius sat down, feeling much better than the last time he had entered the classroom. Professor Claddins also seemed to be in a strangely good mood, and let them work in groups in preparation for the N.E.W.T.s, which consisted of James and Sirius getting no work done, while Lily and Remus attempted to help Peter.
Entering the Great Hall for lunch, Sirius became acutely aware that the plan was working splendidly. He had innocently been starting in on an apple when Regulus walked behind him and muttered something very akin to, "You're going to regret this."
"Am I now?" answered Sirius softly, as Regulus quickly whipped around to glare at him. He paused, and seemed unsure of whether he should stop, or continue to the Slytherin table. Sirius took advantage of his hesitation, and continued. "Dearest brother, would you like a dog bowl, too? How cute…then you and Snivelly could sit around together licking Voldemort's boots all day. It is what you want, isn't it? To go around taking orders all day, like nice little puppies?"
Regulus bristled, and seemed to consider taking out his wand--that is, until he noticed the Head Girl a few feet away, watching carefully out of the corner of her eye. "Shut up, Sirius. This isn't over yet – a fake little Howler from Mum isn't enough incentive for me to start spreading the…finer points…of your life to the rest of this school."
A few students were beginning to attempt to not-so-discreetly listen to the hushed conversation, so Sirius turned back to his food as he uttered his last comment. "Don't worry, this will all be over by tonight--trust me."
Regulus sniffed loudly and swept off, a manner that his mother would have greatly approved of, Sirius thought. The way his robes swished in just the right manner would have been enough to make the old bat proud.
Lupin sat down next to him and set down a text. "You'll want to read chapter three before dinner," he informed Sirius. Before he could ask Lupin why, the werewolf was getting to his feet again, with a pear in hand. "It's very important," he said, squeezing Sirius's hand quickly. "Just trust me on it." Then he too swept by and was gone. Sirius was glad to note that in no way did Remus Lupin's robes swish to suggest superiority or regality.
He turned to the textbook that had been set down in front of him. The Art of the Sleeping Draught. Why was this important? Sirius flipped the book open to chapter three, and laying on top of the pages was a hand written note. Padfoot – The letter's been sent. Meet by the fruit portrait outside the kitchens during dinner. Don't worry about destroying the note. It's been charmed. Cheers – Moony
He removed the note, and placed the book on the floor. Feeling a need for a little more dramatic flair in his life, he caught the eye of Snape, who was glaring in his direction. He wadded up the note, tossed it in the air, and set fire to it. Snape narrowed his eyes, and slowly turned back around to whisper something to Regulus.
-
The rest of the classes for that day went smoothly, thankfully with very little homework. After Charms, the Marauders headed back to the Common Room before dinner to discuss their final plans for the night. James was beside himself with excitement and Peter fidgeted in the tension. Sirius smoldered with the desire for revenge flowing through his veins and Remus sat with the serene disposition that only he could contain in the face of mischief.
It was James who spoke first, as he ceremoniously laid out the Marauder's Map. After declaring "I solemnly swear I am up to no good," he studied the map for a moment before speaking. The hallway outside the kitchens looks fairly clear--no stupid little first-years attempting to duel, and no Filch. "Are you three ready?"
Sirius nodded solemnly. "Never been more ready in my life. Let's do this." He reached out, wand in hand. "Mischief managed," he murmured and wiped the map clean. They got to their feet, and James handed out the invisibility cloak. Sirius threw it over himself, Peter, and Lupin, and they drew together, hunched over until James declared them out of sight.
He exited the common room, the other three Marauders following. Strolling down the hall, James greeted two third years with a grin and a wink, causing them to turn bright red and stutter. "Almost there," he muttered to the empty space behind him.
"Thank Merlin," Sirius whispered. Considering that he was hunched over, one arm around Remus and the other around Peter, he had started developing very uncomfortable cramps in his neck and shoulders. "Are they waiting for us?"
"I think one of them is coming," murmured James. "Yes…it's Regulus." He took out his wand and spun it around once, before deftly hiding his hand in the folds of his robes. The other Black son drew nearer, and glared at James, who gave a falsely friendly smile in return. "Hello, Regulus, old boy. Fancy seeing you down here."
The other boy sneered in return. "And why are you here? This is between Sirius and I, and you know it." There were a few footsteps from somewhere behind James, and Regulus looked at them expectantly. "Well, and Snape, I suppose."
James did not turn around to look at Snape, who was unsuccessfully attempting to sneak up from behind. A few steps to the right and he would have hit the other Marauders hiding under the cloak, but thankfully he didn't. "Hello, Snivelly," he sighed. "You know, I almost wouldn't have heard you if the grease from your hair didn't drip so loudly."
"Ha," Snape replied sarcastically. "Really witty of you." His glare and scowl were fixed expectantly on his face. "Where are those other friends of yours? Hiding in a passage maybe? Waiting to ambush us? Eating because they've forgotten about you? Or maybe..." his eyes glinted. "Under an invisibility cloak?"
James visibly tensed. The year before, when he had pulled Snape out of the passageway by the Shrieking Shack, they had returned to the school, hidden under his invisibility cloak. The promise to tell nobody about Remus's condition, had also forced Snape to keep knowledge about the cloak hidden, as he was forced to pretend as if the night had never happened. "They haven't forgotten," James responded calmly. "Just taking their time."
On that cue, the three shuffled backwards, to take the cloak off where Regulus and Snape couldn't see them. James would be able to work the two Slytherins up while they waited around the corner. The more James could frustrate the boys, the better. Sirius threw the cloak off, and peeked around the wall to assess the situation. Lupin, however, had a look of quiet contemplation on his face.
"What's the matter with you?" hissed Sirius, in the quietest voice he could conceivably use. Usually by this point, the werewolf would be too wrapped up in the glory of the prank to think of something. Even he took breaks from the logic once in a while.
The voices of James, Regulus, and Snape could still be heard easily around the corner, but Lupin frowned in spite of them. "I know everything seems to be working well so far, but something seems...wrong. Snape is too quiet. Too calm. So is Regulus. They should be more defensive by now, but they just aren't."
Sirius's fingers moved towards his wand almost instinctively at Remus's last comment. "I don't think so, they seemed quite edgy after their little presents this morning. But...you're right. Snape isn't frothing at the mouth, or even reaching for his wand yet, as far as I can tell." True, it was rare for Snape to retain his cool for so long. Nonetheless, the Marauders knew his reflexes were good, and that he could pull out his wand in a second. Sirius chewed his bottom lip for a moment before stopping himself. Sometimes it was just easier to accept the inevitable that Remus Lupin was almost always right.
A voice rising in anger wafted down the hall. "Listen, Potter, enough of your games. Where is my brother?" Sirius grinned. That was predictable behavior from Regulus. It was also, if Sirius wasn't mistaken, the perfect time to make an entrance.
"You want to see me that much? Aww, I'm honored Regy, I really am," Sirius cooed, walking down the hall. Regulus glared at him. "Sorry I'm late, I was really quite caught up in...pressing matters." Sirius reached out and ruffled his little brother's hair. "You understand."
Regulus reached out and grabbed Sirius's arm forcing it away from him. "Not really," he growled. "I'm afraid that when you're the one who sets the appointment you should go out of your way to be punctual. Now tell me, are your other friends lurking about? That chubby boy and your dog of a boyfriend?"
"Actually, the dog would be me," said Sirius lightly. If only he could mention that Lupin was a werewolf…
Snape sneered, as if reading Sirius's thoughts. "Yes, your boyfriend is certainly not a dog, from what I hear." He narrowed his eyes, the agitation finally showing on his face. "And what is all this about? You obviously had more in mind than just talking."
A giggle (for it could only be called that) caught in James's throat, and he grinned broadly. "You are absolutely right, my dear Snivelly. What fun would there be in just talking?" James stole a quick glance at the wall where the other two marauders were hidden, and met Sirius's eyes. He nodded – the plan was finally going to be put into action.
Sirius eyed the floor critically to where they had been standing earlier that afternoon. Perfect. "Yes," he agreed. "I mean, when we could be taking a look at Snivellus's underwear again, why in the world would we just want to stand around and talk about things?"
"I've had enough of this!" Snape growled, pulling his wand from it's hidden position in his robes (which Sirius thought quite rude, really, the invitation had said no weapons) and taking a step forward. Sheldon's No Shine Slicker hadn't worn off, and Snape's foot landed squarely on the small patch, causing him to start flailing to keep his balance. He started to fall forward, and surely his face would have been smashed against the floor, but Regulus managed to swing around just in time and catch him. They both hit the ground, hard.
Click! "What was that?" Regulus demanded, struggling to sit up. He rubbed the back of his skull and looked to his older brother. "What did you just do?"
A grinning Peter and Remus stepped into view, with Peter displaying a camera as if it was a prize on a Muggle game show. Lupin gave a polite nod of his head, before exclaiming, "Thank you, Regulus! Sirius and I are forever in your debt." He paused, and took something out from behind his back. "Well…perhaps not, but I'm sure you get my meaning." With that said, he threw the Invisibility cloak around himself and Peter, disappearing before either of the Slytherins could collect their thoughts.
Snape turned red with anger, obviously figuring out what Regulus had yet to realize. "You slimy gits! You will not get away with publishing those photos! I'll…I'll…" He trailed off, and whipped out his wand. He began to let out a stream of curses, but Sirius stepped in front before any damage could be done.
"Protego!" he cried, trying to remember the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson from not-so-long ago. He focused on the shield, luckily able to deflect the curses. Finally, he slid a fraction of his attention away and glared at Snape with renewed hatred. "EXPELLIARMUS!" he roared, as Snape's wand was snatched out of his hand. He fell back, narrowly missing a statue.
Regulus stammered, seeming to be in some degree of shock as Snape attempted to get up. The wheels were turning, though, as he realized how the photos of him and Snape would look. It was far better proof than they had of their story about Sirius and Lupin. "You just…you just…and the pictures are…are…?"
Sirius grinned broadly. "Blackmail, my dear brother. It runs in the family, you know." Regulus tried to sputter out a response, but it became quickly obvious the words were failing him. Having said what he needed to say, Sirius waved, winked, and seemingly disappeared into thin air.
"Oh, by the way," James said, the only visible Marauder left in the hallway. "In case you were wondering. This counter-blackmail may be quite handy, but probably for a different cause then you think. Take one of these. They'll be all over the school by morning." He handed out a sheet which Regulus took, still in shock, then also vanished into thin air.
The Marauders shuffled away, trying their best to attempt and stifle giggles, and finally reached the Gryffindor common room where they burst out into laughter. Peter tenderly handed the camera over to James, who promised to have the photos developed before dinner the next day. "Although you probably won't have time to care about it at all..." Sirius, Lupin, and Peter all gave him curious looks, but James merely yawned. "I'm going to bed. See you in the morning." With that he trod up the stairs, putting an end to the best prank that Mssrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs had ever completed.
-
Sirius woke up the next morning, feeling completely content with the world. He was just sitting up and stretching when Peter burst into the room. "You're up!" he exclaimed. "Come down to the common room!" Before Sirius was able to question him, Peter had gone. Not bothering to get properly dressed, Sirius threw on his robe and tore down the stairs, only to come to a screeching halt halfway down, his mouth hanging open. The walls were littered with posters, proclaiming: Give up ladies! The infamous Sirius Black has hung up his cloak and is now only has secret rendezvous with one lucky man. Below was a picture containing Sirius making rude gestures at the viewer while Lupin smiled in amusement.
Not knowing whether he should look confused or embarrassed, Sirius resorted to chewing his lip while hiding a small grin. He glanced to his left, and saw James relaxing in a corner and winking at him. Sirius obediently came when the Head Boy beckoned him over, and leaned forward to hear James's whispered report. "Everything's going to plan, mate. Moony left about fifteen minutes ago to inform the first professor he finds about the conversation he overheard last night."
Sirius smiled broadly, then with mock politeness offered his hand to James. "Shall we go to breakfast then, my dear friend?" The two turned from the corner, and quickly left the common room before any more odd looks had to be endured.
As they left the portrait hole, it was obvious that someone had been busy the previous night. The posters were plastered everywhere, including over the face of a very indignant knight who kept threatening to slay the hellions who had done it to him. As they approached the Great Hall, the raised voice of Professor Claddins became easily audible.
He was standing in front of two very bewildered looking boys, who happened to be none other than Severus Snape and Regulus Black. "How dare you two do something of this nature! Don't give me any innocent looks. Remus Lupin informed me of everything he heard last night while patrolling the halls, and I daresay Mr. Lupin's record is far cleaner than yours." The professor stopped to draw breath, while the two Marauders stayed carefully back in the adjoining hall. "I want all of these posters removed by ten this morning, I want written apologies to Misters Black and Lupin, and I want to know how you obtained the passwords to all of the common rooms. I also will be meeting with the headmaster to discuss this matter. Do I make myself clear?"
Both boys mumbled very meek "yes sir"s and glared at the professor's retreating back when he was satisfied they would do what he had told them. Snape glanced over at where James and Sirius were pretending to casually walk by, Sirius whistling for good measure. A look of unadulterated hatred crossed his features. "This isn't the last of it, Black," he snapped. "Not by a long shot."
James shot him a merry grin. "I'm afraid it is Snivelly dear, you see, those photos that we came in possession of last night could be used in a way you might not find too favorable." He pulled one of the many posters of the wall, and pointed to the picture of Sirius and Remus. "I mean, it wouldn't take that much of a charm to change a few words around, substitute the picture..."
His response was bitter grumbling. He laughed and dropped the poster on the floor. "You hear Professor Claddins, boys, on the double or I'll give you both detentions." They strolled away from the triumphant scene, swaggering as much as they could. "You know," James commented, "being Head Boy is more work than you'd think, but sometimes, just sometimes, that abuse of power is worth it."
They entered the Great Hall, which the mysterious poster hanger had also attacked, and were greeted by Lupin, who, by the looks of things, and just had a rather lengthy conversation with a group of giggling third year girls. "Good morning," he said, much more awake than anyone quite had the right to be. "Sleep well?"
"Fairly," replied Sirius, who looked at the table for his green pastries, and unfortunately found none. He instead took a seat by a rather large bowl of potatoes. "It was lovely waking up, though. James and I just saw the, ah, culprits getting punished." He took a bite of potatoes, frowned, and heaped some salt on top of them. "It really was a smashing plan."
James beamed, not because his plan had been dubbed "smashing" by Sirius, but simply for the reason that he was James Potter, and he had pulled of the trifecta of mischief revenge, Snape, and blackmail in a space of less than 24 hours. "It really was a good plan " he trailed off, and looked admiringly at one of the posters. "I've got to remember to get one of those to keep and, by the way, when are the two of you going to, erm, come out? That'll finish everything off quite nicely make Snivelly and Regulus look worse than liars. Intolerant or something, I guess."
The owls flew in as Lupin sat and looked thoughtful. "I don't know how we re going to do it. Those girls I was talking to just asked me about it I came up with a more or less ambiguous answer, so they don t know what to think. Any ideas, Padfoot?"
Sirius ducked as an owl with a particularly large package almost dragged its tail feathers in a jar of strawberry jam. "I'm not sure I want to do something big, you know? Let them all know at once."
"Well," Remus said mildly, "I'm not sure we can exactly avoid that. Once somebody outside knows, the entire school is bound it hear about it within the next twenty four hours." He looked curiously at the owl, who was hooting at him plaintively. "Hullo there, what's that you've got?" He untied the package and carefully opened it.
Lying inside was the biggest assortment of chocolate outside Honeydukes that England had ever seen. Lying on top was a card that scrawled, "Congratulations! Love, Mum and Dad". It took less than five seconds for Lupin to begin laughing quietly. "I always told you that my parents loved you," he said, pushing the card across the table.
"I'll toast to that!" James exclaimed, lifting his glass of pumpkin juice. "To Remus Lupin, the man who has no money and parents that spend this non-existent gold on obscene amounts of chocolate." They clinked glasses and all took drinks. Then, James Potter cleared his throat, cleaned his glasses on his shirt and turned to Sirius in a very worrisome manner. "And to Sirius Black, the man who has never been one for subtlety, and now that he is, is about to get a very rude awakening."
Sirius looked at him in a way that said, "What in the blue hell do you mean by that?" James pointed to the ceiling, where a few owls were still making their way in, and to a large brown one in particular that was doing a good job of blocking whatever it had grasped in its talons.
A slight blush appeared on the werewolf's cheeks, and he grinned sheepishly. "You've got to promise you won't be mad at me, but I figure this affects the two of us, and I want to get this bloody business over with." Sirius continued to look mortified, as he hated the unexpected more than anything else. Lupin grabbed the other boy's hand, and inclined his head at James. "We all chipped in for it, Peter, Patricia, and Lily included. Cost us a tidy little sum."
With that said, the owl seemed to take its cue, and released the package. It was a rather large box, with labels on the side that stated rather clearly (even from several feet up) WARNING: CONTENTS EXPLOSIVE. Several students looked up, acutely aware that a box was in danger of falling on their heads. James winked at Sirius, then before anything else could be done pulled out his wand. The box exploded quite loudly, sending an array of fireworks above the heads of the students.
Sirius's eyes widened, and he gripped Lupin's hand in what could be considered a death grip as the flames and sparks began to form words. YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE WHAT YOU HEAR, BUT YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE! REMUS LUPIN AND SIRIUS BLACK ARE IN LOVE! THEIR RENDEZVOUS ARE A SECRET NO LONGER! The eyes of curious students began to search for the pair, as if looking for more visual confirmation to the rumors.
In a rather uncharacteristic move, Lupin pulled Sirius up onto the table top, and indicated for the blushing Sirius to take a bow. Sparks rained down on them, as gently as onto a rose. Lupin pulled him close for a quick kiss, to which James began applauding. Quite a few other students joined in, and Sirius blushed scarlet. "Well," remarked the blushing Black "I guess that's settled. I suppose I should be grateful you didn't add a rainbow to all that. But thanks."
Remus Lupin grinned in his knowing way. "You're welcome."
This time the kiss that ensued was not instigated by Lupin, was not so quick, and eventually several indignant professors pulled the two boys off the tabletop and issued more detentions in one go than the history of Hogwarts had ever seen.
That, however, is another story for another time.