Chapter 6: Scars

lyrics by Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

"Should we call an ambulance…or drive her to the hospital?" Alex asked Jay as the cold water poured over the two girls. She shivered from the chill, but refused to let go of her friend.

"No! No hospital!" Emma begged.

Jay ignored her as he shut off the water and lifted Emma back out of the tub, wrapping her back into the blanket that he'd carried her past the room full of gawkers in. She trembled hard, but she weighed almost nothing, and he had no trouble holding her as he handed Alex a towel. "She's alert now, so maybe we should just get her dressed and drive her ourselves."

"No!"

Alex's temper flared. "Shut up, Cause Girl! You're going!"

Emma's lip trembled. "Why are you mad at me?"

"You promised! You swore! You're just as big a liar as Amy!"

Emma broke into gut wrenching sobs as Jay frowned at Alex's angry, retreating back. "Shhh…it's OK, Emma. She's just…she doesn't like being scared. You scared the shit out of her. She'll calm down. Come on. Let's get you dressed."

"Please…don't make me go!" she whispered. "They'll send me back! I can't go back!"

"Shut her up!"

"Go back where?"

"Hold her legs!"

"Please? Don't make me go!"

Sean glared angrily between Tracker and the doctor. "Track put you up to this, right?" he asked, his voice hoarse from vomiting a few hours before.

The doctor shook his head. "No…it was my idea. But your brother agrees-"

"You can't make me go! He's not my dad, and he has no right-"

"Actually, I do, Sean. Our folks gave me guardianship of you."

"Yeah, but that was when I lived with you."

Tracker nodded. "True…but they never took back their rights. And I didn't argue." He shrugged. "I figured they'd screw up again. I was right."

"I can't go! I'm…they'll try to make me forget!"

"Forget what?"

"I don't want to forget! Not one single second!"

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

Alex paced angrily…literally mad as a wet hen…dripping wet…as Jay helped Emma put on a clean sweat suit. When she finally looked over, her frown grew. "Those are my sweats," she grumbled.

Jay rolled his eyes. "Does it really matter?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah. It does. She's a liar, and I don't want her wearing my clothes anymore!"

Emma crumbled to the bed, tucking her knees to her chest. She knew she was losing Alex…the one real female friend she'd had since Manny had turned her back on her. Jay watched her for a moment before turning furious eyes on Alex. "Would you shut the hell up and at least try to pretend to have a fucking heart?" he shouted at her.

Alex's eyes never wavered from his. "Jay…just cause we fuck now and then…that doesn't mean you get to act like my boyfriend anymore! You lost that right when you let all those sluts suck you off!"

Emma's sobs burst forth again as more guilt filled her. Jay looked back down at Emma then turned back to Alex. "Would you fucking look at her?"

"No! I don't think so. I'm not going to take pity on a drunken, drug head liar!"

Jay strode angrily to her and grabbed her arm, pulling the brunette from the room. "Listen!" he growled through gritted teeth. "I think Teddy raped her…and maybe did other things. I saw…I saw blood…and I just…I want to make sure…" he sighed and ran his hands angrily through his hair. "I heard rumors a while back that he's got AIDS. Maybe she heard them too. And maybe she freaked and downed the pills."

The situation began to sink in once again and Alex's face registered horror. "Holy-"

Jay nodded and sighed. "The longer we wait…I just think we should get the facts later. So, please? OK? I'm actually fucking begging! Can we just get her to the hospital? You can be pissed later."

Alex nodded, finally feeling the emotion Jay had been looking for. She strode into the room and lay next to Emma…face to face. "Emmy?"

Emma's lip curled into a half smile at the strange nickname. "Please? Don't make me go?" she pled quietly as Alex stroked her hair. A tear trickled along the outer rim of Emma's eye socket and hung there for a moment before splashing onto the bed beneath her.

"Did he…did Teddy rape you?" she asked quietly.

Emma nodded and fell against Alex, who held her tightly while she sobbed. Alex sighed sadly and kissed the top of her head. "We need to go to the hospital then."

"No! They'll make me go away! I…I need you, Lexi!"

"I'm not going anywhere, Emma. And we'll figure out a way to make them let you stay. Just…it's really important you get checked out. He might…you might be pregnant…or he might have something."

Emma nodded and let out a pained wail as Alex tried to comfort her. "He…he hit me. I begged him to stop, but he hit me! When I woke up…I hurt! It hurts so bad!"

Tracker frowned at Sean. "What don't you want to forget?"

"Nothing. Just…nothing. Forget it."

"Forget it? Are you kidding? You just drop that in my lap and expect me to ignore it?"

Sean shrugged. "Why not? I've been saying it to our folks for months…and they ignore me."

Tracker sighed. "Yeah. I get it. Our folks suck. But you gotta' realize that I'm not them. I actually care. And I'm not letting it go."

Sean frowned, trying to fight back tears. As usual, it didn't work. A solitary tear trickled down his cheek. "I can't forget her, Track. They'll dope me up, and I'll forget."

Tracker shook his head. "Sean, you won't. As deep as she is in your heart…you won't."

Sean shook his head and sighed. "I have to remember…it's my fault…he's dead…and I'm here…because of me."

"You didn't bring that damned gun to school, Sean!"

The younger Cameron shook his head sadly. "No…I didn't. But if I wouldn't have broken up with her…he'd have realized she was too good for him. Hell, she was to good for me, but I had her!" His head dropped sadly to his pillow as he stared at the ceiling. "I had her and I threw her out like a used tissue or something."

Tracker put his hand on Sean's shoulder. "Little Bro…you didn't know this was going to happen. You didn't even know Rick back then."

"I just…I shouldn't have dumped her…and I should've stayed back there."

"Hindsight's twenty-twenty, Little Bro."

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

"OK, Miss Nelson. I'm going to ask you some pretty personal questions. Are you sure you want your friends in here?"

Emma nodded as Alex squeezed her hand.

The doctor nodded back and she began. "Did you know your attacker?"

Emma nodded. "N-not…not real well. We…we used to hang out at parties…and dance and stuff. Sometimes make out, but…but not…"

The doctor nodded again. "OK…here's where we need to get personal. Did he…use anything other than his penis?"

Emma shrugged and Alex elaborated. "She said he hit her and knocked her unconscious."

"Oh. So…you don't know if he used a condom?"

Emma burst into tears again and Alex paled. Jay swallowed hard and walked out of the room. As soon as Emma was settled in, Jay was going to hunt Teddy down…and if that little shit was lucky, he'd end up in the morgue! Jay took a breath, trying to steady himself, but the nausea hit him and he ran in search of a bathroom, trying to hold the bile back until he found the toilet. Tears burned in his eyes, and he thought angrily that Teddy would get it twice as bad for making him cry. Son of a bitch!

How was he ever going to look Emma in the face, knowing he had failed her, and not think about what kind of horror she'd gone through? Oh, yeah…Teddy was a double-dead man!

Sean sat silently in the wheelchair as Tracker spoke quietly with the doctor. Something wasn't right…and it wasn't just him. He knew it. He could feel it deep inside.

'It can't all just be in my head! Something's wrong with her!' he thought in fear.

Tracker nodded at the doctor and turned back to Sean. "OK, Little Bro. I'm going upstairs with you to get you registered."

Sean sighed and rolled his eyes. "Maybe I should just go back to Toronto. Maybe it would help."

Tracker nodded. "Maybe…but you need to heal up first." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, trying to find a way to explain what he wanted to say. "You can't go back right now. You can't move your legs and…hell, Sean! At least they're transferring you tonight. OK? At least I got the doc to let you go now instead of waiting until you're released from this part. That should make the stay shorter."

Sean snorted. "Don't you mean it'll be shorter as long as I'm not tagged 'crazy'? Track…you're not blind. You're not stupid. I'm never gonna' get out of this."

Tracker grabbed Sean's shoulder roughly, forcing him to look into the older Cameron's eyes. "You're not crazy…and you'll be outta' there come hell or high water. Even if I have to sign you out and take you home with me!"

Sean's lip trembled sadly. "You…I never told her I loved her. Not once…ever. I said it to Ellie a hundred times…and maybe I loved Ellie, but…but never like I loved Emma."

Tracker rolled his eyes. "I don't know much about you and Ellie. But Emma? You never had to say it to each other. Hell, you two made me jealous!" he chuckled as a smirk played on his lips. "How in the hell could my little brother find someone who was perfect for him…and I hadn't even found someone I wanted more than a week?" He patted Sean's shoulder and stood up as the doctor approached. "Sean…you two never had to say it. It was the little things you did. You showed each other. Like that time you signed that stupid petition."

Sean smiled sadly as the memories flooded in. "Which time?" he asked, even though he knew. "I signed every damned one…even the ones I didn't understand or the ones I didn't agree with!"

Tracker laughed. "Yeah, I know. Like the tampon dispenser one. Why the hell should you have cared whether the girls' bathroom had one of those things!"

Sean smirked, feeling a bit better. "Hey! Have you ever heard twenty girls bitching about wearing a diaper all at once?"

Tracker frowned, but chuckled and rolled his eyes. "OK…enough of the gross stuff. I'll never look at a chick the same again. Thanks. You've scarred me for life!"

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?

"Miss Nelson? Are you completely sure that you want to press charges?" the officer asked.

Emma sighed and shook her head. "No…" She looked into Alex's eyes. She sighed again and nodded to her friend. "No, but…I…I have to, right? It's…I'll never…if I don't do this and he does it to someone else…I could never live with myself. So…yeah. I'm pressing charges."

The officer nodded, an understanding smile spreading across his lips. "Good. Too many girls are ashamed of what happened. They blame themselves."

Emma nodded. "I didn't say it wasn't partly my fault. I'm just…I said 'no', you know?" she mumbled sadly as she stared blankly out the window beside her. "I just know that if it were my friend going through this…I'd try to tell her it wasn't her fault." Emma sighed. "It's easy to say…but it doesn't make me feel better."

Emma instinctively tensed when the officer's hand cupped her shoulder. "Miss Nelson? Emma? I think…what you're doing is brave. It takes a lot of guts. And it wasn't your fault."

Emma swallowed hard. "I let him take me to the bedroom," she whispered softly. "I let him kiss me…and touch me."

Alex sighed. "Emma…you asked him to stop. You tried to make him stop and he hit you. He did it anyway. It wasn't your fault."

"Can I…I want to go home now."

The doctor sighed. "Miss Nelson…we haven't discussed the…the OxyCodone we found in your system."

She shrugged, but Alex could feel her hand tense sharply in hers. "What about it?" she asked.

The doctor sighed again. "Your records indicate that this is your second suicide attempt in-"

"No! I didn't try to…I…OK, so I took one. I know it was wrong, but…but…I swear, I just wanted one to help me sleep. I…the pain was so bad!" Emma sniffled. Her voice rose in panic. "I didn't…he held me down and made me take the others! I swear!"

Alex frowned in confusion. "Emma, you said that he left you-"

"He…he came back and…he said…he thought if he made me take them…I'd forget."

Alex studied her for a moment while the officer frowned at his note pad. "You never mentioned-"

"I was just raped! How can you expect me to remember something that seemed so trivial to me at the time?" she shrieked. "I know it might not make sense to you, but-"

The officer nodded. "It's OK…we…I understand."

The doctor frowned. "Well…you seem OK, but…I think you should stay overnight."

"But-"

"No buts, Sprout. Alex and I will be right here with you."

"What about her parents?" the doctor asked. "Has anyone called-"

"My mom…doesn't exactly…she doesn't exactly want me around anymore," Emma mumbled.

Sean sighed and punched the pillow as he tried to get comfortable. He lay back and stared at the ceiling, ignoring the girl in the bed next to his. She had the TV blaring…some old western…but didn't seem to even be watching. She just seemed too interested in the new roommate.

"I'm Shanna. I'm sixteen. What's your name?"

He sighed. "Sean."

"Oh. Sean…Sean…Sean and Shanna." The girl giggled. "Sean and Shanna, sittin' in a tree!" she sung to herself, making Sean cringe.

"Ha ha…cute," he muttered sarcastically. Someone ran by the open door, making Sean jump as he wailed loudly.

"Whoop-whoop!"

Shanna giggled as the dark haired boy ran past the door. Several feet padded along quickly after him. "That's Charlie…but we call him Whoopy."

Sean rolled his eyes and lay back down. "Gee…that's original!"

Shanna giggled and Sean cringed. Didn't she ever do anything but giggle? "So…Sean…med time is coming up."

Sean sighed. "Well, lucky you! Me, on the other hand…I aint' taking shit!"

The girl ripped open the curtain separating them. "Who says anything about taking them?" she asked with a smirk.

Sean turned to her with a frown. He jaw dropped, but he snapped it closed quickly, ignoring the resemblance. The girl was tall and lanky. Her face was thin with nothing more than a dab of lip-gloss. Her brown eyes were similar…Sean's favorite color…and reminded him of Hershey's Kisses. He swallowed hard as his eyes fell on her hair. That's where the resemblance ended. This girl's hair was a washed out henna red with black streaks through out. It had obviously been a while since she'd dyed it because four inches of strawberry blonde regrowth hung limply from her scalp.

"Hmmm?" she asked again with a grin as she plopped down next to him on his bed. "Scoot over…I got a secret to share," she murmured softly.

Sean frowned. "Can't. My legs are fucked up."

"Oh! Well…that's OK. Here," she said, pushing him over with her hip and giggling.

Sean looked over at the girl, scowling. "Shanna, is it?" he asked. She grinned and nodded. "How in the hell did I get stuck with a chick as my roommate? Aren't they afraid all us crazies are gonna' fornicate…and make crazy babies?"

Her smile froze on her face then fell. Her face took on a look of silent contemplation for a full minute before her eyes lit up and she grinned. Sean was shocked. This grin was real.

"You're funny," she mumbled softly. She frowned as she studied him. "You're not like the others. It's like you don't belong here."

Sean shrugged. "Yeah, well one failed suicide attempt says different."

Shanna shook her head. "Nope. You're just sad." She sighed and lay her head on his shoulder. "It's OK to be sad."

He sighed and shrugged her off. "You didn't answer my question. You're a chick."

She nodded and rolled her eyes. "I got…ummm…" she blushed and sighed. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I got caught experimenting…you know? I mean…my friend and I were just…we kissed…and my mom caught us. So she flipped and smacked me around for a while. Then she sent me here to try to 'fix' me."

"Ohhhh…" Sean muttered, drawing the word out while he tried to think of something to say.

She nodded as her eyes filled with tears. "You know what's stupid? Even my own boyfriend hates me. I thought guys dug that shit."

Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

Emma woke with a startled yelp. "Sean!" she cried out. She felt a weight press onto the bed next to her.

"Shhh…it's OK."

"Jay?" Emma whispered. "Where…where am I? What's going on?"

"You're in the hospital. Teddy-"

"Oh," she mumbled sadly. "I…I guess I thought it was all a bad dream."

Jay sighed and hugged her. "I was just thinking the same thing myself."

"Are they…will they make me leave Alex's?" she whispered in fear. Her body began shaking and Jay hugged her tighter.

"Nah…they said you could go home later today. OK?"

Emma nodded and buried her head in Jay's chest. He sighed and pulled his feet up on the bed to lie fully next to her. "You'll be OK, Kid. Me and Alex? We're gonna' help you through this."

Emma's lip trembled. "Why?" she whispered sadly.

Jay shrugged. "I guess…I mean," he sighed sadly. "Emma…did Alex ever tell you…about me?"

Emma shook her head. He swallowed hard. "My mom…when I was like ten…she threw my dad out. One day…he…he came back and I was there…and he…ummm…he raped her right there. I saw it, but I was too…he always scared me." He sighed. "He knew I was there. He laughed the whole time, knowing I was too scared to turn away."

"Oh, Jay!"

He shook his head. "Don't. I don't deserve pity. I should have helped Mom."

"You were ten!"

Jay shrugged. "And I knew where she kept the gun." He sighed and kissed her forehead softly. "I just…I promised myself that I'd never just stand by again."

"That's why you wanted Rick gone so bad, isn't it?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. Or it could be just because I'm an asshole," he mumbled with a smirk, trying to get her to smile. She gave him a small smile and he smiled back. "Well? It's true, isn't it? Tell me you and your friends didn't sit around and bad mouth me…maybe call me even worse?"

Emma chuckled. "Yeah…Lexi can get pretty pissed at you sometimes!"

Jay laughed and pulled her against him again. After a while, she snuggled deeper into his chest and fell asleep. He soon drifted off, and that was how Alex found them.

"So…they put you in with us guys cause they think you're a lesbian?" Sean chuckled.

Shanna smiled and nodded. "Pretty fucked up, aint' it?" He nodded and she grinned again. "So…we're the only two sane people in this shit hole."

"Oh, come on! I think Whoopy is pretty normal."

Shanna let out a peal of laughter that made Sean smile. When she quieted, she studied him intently for a moment. "So, I told you my story. What's yours?"

Sean sighed. Could he tell a complete stranger his darkest secret?

"And don't think about lying, cause I'll know. This place has made me pretty good at reading people."

Sean opted for changing the subject in hopes of distracting her. "What's with the westerns?"

She smirked and shrugged. "Adds to my whole wacko thing. See…I'm supposedly this depressed lesbian goth chick. When ol' Doc Meadows comes in, the westerns throw her off. She thinks I have to be crazy." She shrugged again. "Little trick I learned from my last roommate, Jake. He was like us. He didn't belong here, but his folks didn't give a shit. He wrote a poem for school and the school thought he wanted to kill himself, so they called his folks. They shipped him here."

"What happened to him? I mean…did he get released?"

Shanna nodded. Her lip trembled and tears filled her eyes. "Ohhh…he checked out all right. The hard way."

"I thought you said he wasn't-"

"He wasn't. Not until his dad came in and called him a weak shit or something. It killed him…literally."

"Oh."

Shanna nodded. "So…stop avoiding the topic. Why are you here?"

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Alex unlocked the door and Jay helped a limping Emma inside. "How you feeling, Sprout? Tired?"

Emma nodded. The pain in her hip was bad and it had taken more strength than she'd thought to negotiate the steps.

"You should have let Jay carry you!" Alex clucked like a mother hen. "You're not doing yourself any favors by overworking that dislocated hip."

Emma smiled and hugged Alex. "Stop worrying about me, OK? I'll be fine. I'm just going to go lay down for a bit."

Alex cringed. "Give me a minute. I never got a chance to change the sheets. They're…uhhh…messed up."

Emma paled and nodded. "OK," she whispered as the color of shame rose in her cheeks. Alex hurried out and Emma yelped in pain as she tried to sit on the couch. Jay caught her and lifted her up, laying her on the couch.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"Hey! I'm not an asshole all the time," he joked.

Emma caught his hand as he started for the bedroom. "Please don't leave me," she whispered softly, pulling him next to her. He smiled and sat down, rubbing her back lightly.

"OK. I won't go anywhere."

"I miss her," Sean mumbled sadly, opting to only tell her a bit of what had happened. "I fucked up and dumped her. But she…she moved on, and I started dating someone. She moved in, but…well, I just had to come back to Wasaga. Nothing special. Just boy meets girl…and boy fucks it all up.

Shanna shrugged. "You'll be together again."

Sean chuckled. "Oh, and I suppose you're psychic."

Shanna frowned and shook her head "No…just a hopeless romantic. You told me you did all this stuff that hurt her, and she kept taking you back. But you know what? The stuff you did to her wasn't that bad. OK…so pushing her down in some leaves wasn't the best way to say 'I love you', but that was grade seven, right?" He nodded. "And most of the stuff after that…drinking…hanging out with losers…that was more self sabotage than intent to hurt her. She probably sees that. Or she will. It's kismet."

Sean laughed and shook his head. "You're weird."

Shanna smiled at him and nodded. "I like you, Sean. You're gonna' be OK." She smiled for a moment before dropping her lips over his. She kissed him softly, her tongue slipping into his mouth. He pulled back in surprise and looked into her eyes. He saw the pain in them, and wondered if Emma's eyes would reflect the same hurt.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she started to get up. He caught her wrist and pulled her back to him. His hand cupped her cheek as his tongue separated her lips gently and slipped inside.