Me- Alright people, it's time to start getting ready for the show!
(No one moves, they are all lounging around)
Me-Guuuyyyyysss come
(No one moves still)
Me- Coooommmmeee oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!
(All look up... annoyed?)
Me- (stops) Half hour you bucketheads!
Parvati- That is not even enough time to do my hair boss madam.
Me- (thinks) Well... if you don't start getting ready soon, I will see that every hair and makeup product in this house is removed. That way no one will take super long to get ready and you'll all be equal and ugly! Hey maybe I should take all the clothes away too... then it would be even quicker!
Dave while sitting in a chair (puts down newspaper)- Nudity is not allowed on prime time television
Me-Well we're not prime time anyway! And if anything we could just move to the Playboy network... I'm sure they would want us (looks at Crabbe and Goyle) Ok, maybe not you guys... you can go to Logo the gay network!
Dave- (covers eyes) Oh dear God...you're nuts.
All- (shocked)
Me- Ahem... ok whatever, but please start getting ready. If you do, I'll... um...oh, I'll buy you all ice cream!
(The menfolk are happy, the ladies are not)
Me- (looks) Oh oops...oh yeah and frozen yogurt of course! Girls need to watch their figures!
Dumbledore- (mumbles) What figures?
The girls- (throw dead frogs at Dumbledore)
Me- Errr, well now that that's settled...oh yeah... (screams) TINAAAAAAAA!!!! WHERE THE EFF ARE YOU?!?!!??!
Tina (in the kitchen eating Cheesy Poofs)- Tibitut! I'll be right there!
Hermione (all the way from up the stairs)- Don't talk with your mouth full co-host Tina
Tina- How did she...(gets cut off)
Me- Thank you Hermione Granger girl wonder for actually starting to get ready! That's it... all of you, go up those frickin' stairs now!
Ron- Yes mum.
Me- Don't use that tone of voice with me!
Ron- Merlin, you really do sound like my mom
Me- I practice donchakno!
Ron- And we're the crazy ones?
Me- Don't start with me you...
(As the contestants start heading up stairs, there is a knock at the door)
Dave- Harry get the door!
Harry- Why me?
Dave- You have the most famous face so it's good publicity!
Harry (walks to the door)- That's just not fair...who is it?
Courtney- It's Courtney... let me inside God dammit! (bangs on the door again)
Harry- Who the hell is Courtney? Anyone know a Courtney?
All- (No answer... they're all upstairs)
Me- Oh crap... get out of my way Hairy Harry that's my girl Courtney!
Courtney- (stops banging on the door) Wait, what???? I was just talking to Harry Potter??? HOLY SHIT! He's hot!
Harry- (backs away from the door) Not another fan girl...
Courtney- Let me in so I can see Harry!
Me- What? Oh, OK! (goes and opens the door) Hey there... what do you want from me?
Courtney- (looks around) HI HARRY!! (She giggles and waves)
Harry- (dives behind the couch)
Courtney- Aw he must be tired! (turns back to me) Can't I just come and say hi to my good friend Keri?
Me- (sighs) You're about 15 minutes early. Come back in another 10.
Courtney- Gotcha... bye Harry I love you!
Harry- (sticks his hand up from behind the couch and waves)
(Courtney leaves and the contestants make their way back down the stairs)
Draco- What was that?
Me- That thing? She lives next door, not with Sirius, on the other side. Just all will have to get used to her... I did.
Dave comes running in from the backyard
Dave- We only have five minutes left! I'm spazzing... I'm spazzing! I'm... (Hermione slaps him in the face)
All- Whoa.
Draco- (ducks)
Ron- Ever since the Draco thing she does that all the time now...
Harry- She even did it to Dumbledore once...
Ron- But he thanked her and gave her candy!
Crabbe- Candy?!?!?
Goyle- (drools)
Me- Great... now the floors are dirty with Slytherin drool!
Snape- There is nothing wrong with Slytherin drool...
Draco- Especially mine!
Snape- Agreed.
Dave- WHY DON'T YOU LICK IT OFF THE GROUND THEN IF YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH?!?!?!!?!?
All- (shocked)
Tina- Greuty... Dave seriously did spaz
Parvati- I'm not surprised...
Lavender- He looks damn sexy angry though... rawr!
All- (shocked x2)
Me- Well, er, you all still get frozen treats still!
All- HOORAY!
Me- But first some ground rules.
All- BOO!!
Me- It will be quick, relax. Just please listen to the instructions for the puzzles very very carefully. Tina is only going to repeat the directions once so listen closely!
All- (nod)
Me- And... I can not stress this enough, act like yourselfs! Don't try to act all perfect and stuff because most likely you won't get anywhere and all the fan mail will be about how lame-o you all are so don't do that because I want everyone to like me and I want to be able to do another season! Oh and don't be nervous either!
Snape- Thank you miss, we all feel a hell of a lot better
Me- Excuse me, Mr. Sir-Snape-A-Lot, please refrain from using language in front of all these little children. One million points from Slytherin for inappropriate language
Snape- (growls)
All Gryffindors- Woo!
Me- Duh... I don't remember what I was going to say because I was rudely interrupted... oh now I remember... it's showtime!!!
In an instant there are cameras everywhere (it's like magic or something!) and everyone is being shooed into little closet like rooms, for the opening scene
Jack the cameraman- (holding up his fingers) OK we're on in 5...4...3...2...1...!!!!
Me- Hullo! And... hold on, can I spit out my gum?
Dave- (offset) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me- Ok fine! (looks back at the camera) Welcome into the lives of people as they are trapped in a beautiful house, for 3 straight months! That really is a long time if you think about it... Oh and at the end of these 3 months each player that is still sane will receive $50,000 gallons, which is not too shabby at all!It's not that easy though, there will be a puzzle which will be quite difficult, at least to me anyway! The players will either be split up, or work individually on these puzzle to get moola! Well, now I think I've talked enough, my name is Keri by the way, lets meet or contestants!!
Dave- That was horrible.
Me- What do you know anyway you silly producer man!
The poor contestants are each crammed into a closet type little confessional room thing.
Me- I think we're going to introduce them in alphabetical order, is it Dave?
Dave- (sighs and shakes his head)
Me- Oh they're not (Laughs) Well... here is whoever...
Harry- Hey, I'm Harry Pooter and I... wait, what? Hey my queue card is wrong!
Me- Dammit Harry... you know your own name, for God sakes, just keep going!
Harry- Not my fault people can't spell for beans... OK, I'm Harry Potter the boy who lived. I am a 4th year at Hogwarts, and I love Cho Chang. Wait... what the eff Ron?!? I'm gunna hex you for that!
All laughing off stage and all in the closet rooms
Me- NEXT!
Hermione- Hello, I am Miss Hermione Granger, I am one of the top students at Hogwarts, and I love reading in my spare time
Ron- Hey all you out there, I am Mr. Ron Weasly, I am a 4th year at Hogwarts just like my best bud Harry Potter, and I am the Chudley Cannons number one fan!
Draco- Hey ladies, I am the ever loving Draco Malfoy, I am a rich sexy guy who is loved by women everywhere, and Professor Snape.
Me- Awwwwkward...
Snape- Hello, all you worthless, non-talented viewers, I am Professor Severus Snape, I teach potions at Hogwarts, and I don't want to be here.
Sirius, who happens to be sitting next to all the directors, yells "BOO!" and throws a tomato over the closet room, and hits Snape with it
Snape- I'm going to get you Black.
Sirius- Not while stuck in there you won't!
Prof. M. - Hello I am Professor M., I am the transfiguration teacher at Hogwarts, and I love MTV!
Me- Uh, moving on?
Dumbledore- I am Professor Albus Dumbledore, I am the headmaster at Hogwarts, and candy is tasty!
Parvati- Hiya! I am Parvati Patil, I am an attendant of Hogwarts, I have come here with my best friend Lavender, and I am fabulous!
Lavender- Hey, I am Lavender Brown. I am also an attendant of Hogwarts, with my best friend Parvati, and I love bunny rabbits!
Goyle- I'm Goyle, I go to Hogwarts, and I'm Draco's bodyguard.
Crabbe- I'm Crabbe, I go to Hogwarts and I'm also Draco's bodyguard.
Me- Ugh, that took mad long. Alright everyone in the closets feel free to, er, free yourselves
The all come out looking very cramped and unhappy, but then they all see food on a table. The guys run at the table and the girls walk but alas, they are stopped
Me- You have to complete your first puzzle first...lest we make this episode a good one!
All- (grumble angrily)
Me- Oh sure... get mad at the frickin' messenger because your piggys! See if I ever help you people out anymore... whatevs, here's Tina to explain the rules.
Tina- Splinxinitate Keri!! First, you will all have to wenchitiop a Spluggy, after that you must guritinopdide the spluggy , then dupoklipi back to Keri and tell her the ventituch! If you get the ventituch back to Keri in mook blee 30 loaporures, then you get $10,000 gallons!! As long as you eventually all bring the ventituch back to Keri, you all get $5,000 gallons and the food!!! Good luck everyone!
All- (jaws on ground)
Me- Hey thanks Tina! Now why don't you go tell Dave the new puzzle you were telling me about the other day!
Tina- Okie dokie... bye bye!
Me- Well I guess I'll go too...
Ron- What the bloody hell did she say?
Prof. M- You got me son!
Me- Well you all got mad at me so I figured you could figure it out yourselves
Hermione- But... we need the...the directions... (looks around frantically)
Me- Oh god now I can't leave! Hermione has always been one of my favorites and I would never want to upset her with confusion! I'll explain them... don't worry!
Hermione- (calms down and smiles nervously)
Me- The rules, oh yes, it really is quite simple! Find the clue somewhere in this house, then figure it out. After that, come back to me and tell me the answer. If you bring it back to me in less than 30 minutes, you get $10,000 gallons. As long as you all bring back the answer at all, you will get an automatic $5,000 gallons and the food. Actually you'll all get the food no matter what so no starvation here! (thinks) That's about it!
All- (nods)
Me- So when I say go you, um, go!
All- (nod again)
Me- GO!!
The contestants sprint away (well, the menfolk sprint anyway) and begin searching for the clues. All the clues are hidden in the same room though because that's just funny.
Me- (laying on the couch) Five minutes have passed and I can't believe that none of them have found it yet! All the clues are the same by the way, it's quite a funny riddle, one of my personal favorites.
Hermione, of course, found her clue in the room that all the clues are in, it reads "If a clerk in a local butcher shop is 5'10, what does he weight?"
Dave- (reads the clue at that moment) You have got to be kidding me.
Me- I know what you're thinking and I'll tell you right now I was in hurry and I couldn't think of any riddles so I just put this. At least they won't starve and they will have some money
Dave- You are a hopeless fool
Me- The one and only!
Hermione- (back in the room) Well this is quite an easy one.
Ron and Prof. M. run in
Ron- What's easy? Did you find your clue?
Hermione (puts the clue behind her back)- Of course not Ronald
Prof M.- Yes you did, I can see it in your hand!
Hermione- Well I would love to stay and chat but I must depart!
She runs out of the room and downstairs.
Me- Took you long enough.
Hermione- The answer is "meat"
Me- Surprising no one you answered the question correctly and was the first one to do so. You get money and food!
Hermione- Thank you!
Me- Now go sit somewhere and don't cheat!
In the next 15 minutes, Ron, Prof. M., Parvati, Lavender, Harry, and Draco all come down with the right answer. Dumbledore comes about 30 seconds before the thirty minutes is up.
Me- Where's the other idiots?
Jack the Cameraman- I'm pretty sure they got lost
All- (laugh)
Eventually Snape comes down and since Draco is his favorite student, he got the answer right. Crabbe and Goyle come down about an hour later, they both also got the answers of Draco.
Me- Good job, you all get the money and the food!
They all smile and run to start eating... which is unnecessary to tell of; Ron ate too much and passed out. After all the eating the contestants end up chillin' in the living room playing with stuff. They had begun a group game of Palace (the only card game of Garfield High School!)
Dumbledore- Mr. Snape, I believe you just cheated.
Snape- I didn't cheat headmaster. You are such a liar.
Dumbledore- (throws cards at Snape) You suck.
All- (groan because the cards got all messed up)
Courtney- Shut up over there! I am trying to read an article about Harry!
Draco- When the hell did you get here you obsessive freak?
Courtney- You're one to talk... oh blah blah "Everyone loves me especially Professor Snape". That's not obsessive????
Draco- Shut up bitch!
Courtney- Make me you asshole!
Draco- You're a slut!
Courtney- At least I'm not a gay homosexual!
Draco- (gasps)
Me- THAT'S IT!
Dave- Hey I'm the only one allowed to spaz out...
Me- COURTNEY GO HOME! DRACO GO TO BED! DUMBLY AND SNAPE GO TO BED TOO! (breathes deeply)
Courtney- Fine ok, I understand, but next time Draco, your mine...
Draco- Yeah you and you're horrible hair have me shaking...
Courtney- Watch your back Malfoy face! And goodbye to everyone... sweet dreams Harry! (leaves)
Me- Aw so cute, she loves Harry
Ron- But he loves Cho... he said so himself. They're going to have to fight over him!
Harry- Why I oughta... (starts chasing Ron around the house until everyone gets bored of watching them)
After about an hour of just doing nothing Harry stops chasing Ron, and everyone goes to bed
Me- OK, everyone has a place to sleep right?
All- (nod)
Me- Fabulous! Everyone makes sure to set your alarms...
Ron- Or what exactly?
Me- (laughs crazily) Oh you'll see...sweet dreams my little sugar plums!
Dave- Oh good God...
After a couple seconds...
Me- Well... goodnight everyone!
All- Good night host Keri!
Me- Awww what sweethearts... good first episode!
This shit has been revamped because my grammar and spelling usage were horrible and my jokes were not at all funny... fixed yes thank you!