Chapter 10: Tainted Love

"Dear Sean,

I'm trying to learn what living after rape is like. Did I mention that I'd been raped? It happened about a month ago. We had this party and I messed up. I flirted with a guy that I thought wouldn't hurt me, but surprise-surprise! Guess that's just the way life works sometimes. So…you know me. I freaked and downed some OxyCodone. I'd be dead right now if Alex hadn't found me. The weird thing is, she and Jay saved my life.

After everything I've done…after screwing around with Jay and screwing everything up for them…they still saved my life. Sometimes I wish I could say I was happy about it, but…right now I just don't see the point. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. Hell, I can't even really say I've been sad. All I can feel is numb, but achy at the same time, if that makes sense.

But I've learned a few things about myself. First off, I learned that I'm not gay…and I'm not bisexual. But that's not something you'd give two shits about, right? I mean…yeah. I did it with a chick, and it was nice, but…but…the whole time, I was imagining your hands…your lips…doing all that stuff to me. In the end, she said I screamed for you. I shouldn't tell you that, but you'll never read this, so who gives a damn, right?

I also learned that sometimes you make an impression on some of the strangest people. Tonight, Aaron came up to me and said some things that confused me. Like he likes me, but he doesn't. He told me that he wasn't one of the many people who believe Teddy over me. He kind of acted like he cared. He warned me that people were after me, and then he kissed my cheek. He said that I needed someone who didn't make me cry.

Then again, we all know that's impossible. You made me cry…Chris…yeah. He made me cry, but not for him. He made me cry for you. Jay made me sick because he used you as a way to get to me, and I cried for you again. Peter made me cry by destroying the only thing that made me feel at least halfway normal. Then I thought of you and cried some more. Archie hurt my mom, which made me cry. I went to one of those homes…you know, foster care, after I tried to die. But…they were evil. They made me dirty. They destroyed me. All the while, I kept crying out for you…wishing you could come and save me from that hell hole like you saved me from Rick.

Funny thing is, you didn't really save me. He killed me anyway. He killed the person who I was by taking you away. If he hadn't made you leave, I wouldn't be in this emotional train wreck.

Oh, well! You live, you learn…right?

Love,

Emma"

Emma sighed sadly as she shut her notebook with a trembling hand. She looked up at the clock and frowned. Jay and Alex had excused themselves to the room over an hour before. Emma had seen the look in their eyes and turned up the stereo, making sure to hit repeat so that the events from a previous night wouldn't repeat itself.

"Dear Em,

A girl tried to kill herself last night, and I think it's my fault. The nurse says she does this a lot, but if I hadn't been so mean…

I hurt you. I broke you over and over, and you kept pushing. I hurt Ellie, and she'd stare at her cutting kit. She'd get this longing look in her eyes, but she'd never touch it. I was mean to Shanna and she downed a bunch of pills.

This place sucks. What kind of mental hospital puts a chick in a guy's room? Can you tell me that?

It's not the hospital's fault. They think she's a lesbian, but she told me she's not. She kissed me the first day I got here. It should have been a warning sign to stay away, but a month later, we were best friends going at it like rabbits. I love you, Emma…but it felt good. Not just the sex, but…but everything. Someone finally loved me again…even if it was only while we were having sex.

I had a dream about you. We were…we were being intimate, and then I was hurting you. You were screaming and crying, but I couldn't stop. Just life our life, huh? I never seemed to be able to stop hurting you.

I'm sorry. I know I've said it a hundred times in a hundred letters, but I am. I love you, but I always hurt you.

I want to blame my dad for beating the hell out of me every chance he got, but I can't. That didn't start until I came back here the last time. I want to blame my mom for letting him beat on me, but I can't do that either. Hell, even I let him beat me. I could have fought him, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized that bad things come to me when I fight. First, Jimmy…and I hurt you by pushing you down. Next, Jay…and I hurt you by not trying to make it work out. Why in the hell couldn't I be friends with Jay and still let you be a part of my life? How hard was that?

I know you, Em. You have a beautiful soul. You always forgave me…right up to the end…even when I was sure you wouldn't. And I know you would have eventually figured out a way to make Jay and Alex see what I always saw in you.

I didn't deserve you…don't deserve you now (especially now)…but I know if you were here right now, you'd make me feel like I did. God! I miss you so much!

Love Forever,

Sean"

Sean closed his notebook and slid it back under his pillow. He'd just dropped his head and closed his eyes as Nurse Mitchell, a stocky blonde haired man came in. "Feeling better, Mr. Cameron?"

He shrugged. "A bit…I guess."

Mr. Mitchell nodded. "Yeah, well, I was pretty worried about you after I found you in the bathroom like that this morning."

Sean snorted. "Worried…yeah. So…was it worry that made you take my blood and have a tox-screen done?"

Mr. Mitchell sighed. "Sean…Mr. Cameron…it's hospital policy. With your history of suicide-"

"Once! I did it one damned time! I was freaked out! I'd just hit my dad…gotten sick of him hitting me and let him have a taste of what I was getting." Sean shrugged. "I realized what I'd done and knew I was in deep shit." He sighed and frowned. "And I was right. The fucker tried to shoot me."

Mr. Mitchell lifted Sean's wrist, checking his pulse. "Yes, well…with what happened with your roommate last night…we have to be careful. Suicide pacts are common between two disturbed teens."

Sean sighed as he thought silently, 'So does mind blowing sex…twice in the span of two hours.' "Look. Why would I try to kill myself on some stupid pact when the other half didn't die?"

Mr. Mitchell smirked and nodded. "You'd be surprised. Besides…we had to make sure you hadn't gotten freaked out by what you saw last night."

Sean lay back, finally giving in. "Yeah. OK. That was some pretty messed up shhhh…errr…stuff. But I kept my head enough to keep her from choking to death on her own puke.

Mr. Mitchell nodded. "You were a real hero last night."

Sean rolled his eyes and threw up his hands in defeat. "Oh, great! Here we go again!"