Chapter 17: No Sleep Tonight

"Jay! It's four in the morning! Where in the hell is she?"

Jay sighed and shifted on the couch. "If I knew that…" he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Try Aaron's cell again."

Alex sighed and shook her head. "I knew it was a bad idea to let them date again, dammit!" she grumbled as she dialed his number.

Jay snorted. "Shit, Lexi! You know as well as I do that Emma won't be ordered around!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" she hissed back, listening to the phone ring.

"Emma?" he asked.

Alex sat up in surprise, giving Jay a worried look. "Aaron? She's not with you?"

He sighed heavily. "Would I have fucking called you Emma if she was? She's…not back yet?"

"Would I fucking be calling you if she was?" she retorted hotly.

"Shit!"

"What the hell happened?"

"What always happens with us? She got mad and left!"

"How long ago?"

"An hour…maybe two."

Alex looked at Jay. "A twenty minute walk doesn't take that long! Dammit, Aaron! Shit! You should have called! What if-"

Jay stood up. "I'm checking the ravine," he said as he headed for the door, digging his keys from his pocket.

"I'm coming with you," Alex called out. "Call Jay's cell if you find her," she told Aaron and hung up before he could reply.

There was a light knock on the door. "You OK, Sean?"

Sean sighed and pulled away from the door. "Yeah," he mumbled as he walked out the door.

"You feeling sick?" Nurse Mitchell asked.

Sean nodded. "Yeah," he mumbled. "Homesick, that is."

Nurse Mitchell sighed and patted his shoulder. "Sean…there's only one way to get over that, and only one way to go about getting over it. You're better. Other than that episode…you know the only way you're going to completely over it is to get closure on your past."

"How?" he asked.

Nurse Mitchell shrugged. "That's something you're going to have to figure out for yourself."

Sean sighed angrily. "Great! Just…this is just…hell!"

"Sean…I've been watching you. You're doing a lot of good. Charlie…Whoopy…he's calmed down a lot since you've been here. You're one of the few people he actually talks to. Jamie…the cutter? She called both her parents this morning, and they're going to work out a joint custody type trial situation."

Sean smiled softly. "Really? That's…well, good for her."

Nurse Mitchell nodded. "Yeah. And Kim…a huge accomplishment. You got her to eat twice already without even thinking about her weight…or running straight to the bathroom." He smiled. "And I have to admit, it's a nice change of pace to not have to drag a screaming, kicking, biting girl from the bathroom!"

Sean frowned and sighed. He'd forgotten about Kim. "I…maybe I should stay…for a while longer. I mean…Kim's doing good, but…but what if I just leave? She might feel abandoned."

"Sean…you can't protect her forever. She's got to learn to stand on her own two feet. You gave her the tools for that."

Sean sighed again and shook his head. "I…I think…I'm not really homesick. I'm just…not ready yet."

"Sean…"

Emma stood and stared at the trains. She looked down at the ticket in her hand. Why had she thought she could trust Aaron? Why had she let herself believe he loved her? No one loved her. No one. Snake had abandoned her, and taken on a new family. He'd forgotten all about her and Jack…and now Peter was his new son. Peter had taken Emma's place as Snake's older child. She sniffled back tears and adjusted her backpack.

She'd hidden in the bushes outside her apartment until Jay and Alex had done the inevitable. They were predictable. She'd known if she waited long enough, they would go in search of her. So, she'd waited…snuck in and packed a bag.

Emma sighed, thinking about the note she'd left behind.

"Alex…Jay,

You two are the best friends a girl like me could have. I don't deserve you. You are the only two who stuck by me, but I know I'm hurting you. I need a break. You need a break. If I don't go now, you'll end up leaving me just like everyone else.

Love you guys. And I'll be back when I'm straightened out a bit. Lex…don't worry about my half of the rent. I'll figure something out.

Love, Emma"

Emma shifted impatiently, trying to forget everyone who had abandoned her. Her own mother was through with her. And thanks to her putting Emma in foster care, Jack didn't even know her anymore. The two times she'd seen him since then, he'd screamed and cried. And it was all her mom's fault.

"Emma! I can't keep doing this! I have a baby to worry about! You're bringing that junk into my house! What am I supposed to do?"

"Maybe show some support!"

"I…I can't! Not anymore! You're not even trying!"

"You're…you're throwing me out?"

"Emma! It's for your own good!"

"Yeah, Mom. Fat lotta' good tossing me out did, you bitch!" she groused under her breath. She instantly felt guilty. Her mom had tried. She'd put her into rehab…she'd cleaned her puke and changed her sweaty sheets and stayed up with her all night long every time she relapsed. Spike had dropped everything and nearly lost her job…and she'd asked Joey to take Jack in for an extended visit while she cared for Emma and chased off all those guys who wanted to play bracelet tag. And for what?

Emma knew what was happening to her. In the span of one night, she'd used twice…and felt a familiar twinge of longing for more already. Her heart was racing and she was sweaty and sick to her stomach…Emma had gone back to paying for her fixes with her soul. The drugs were like a devil…and she couldn't stop herself from running back to it every time things got rough.

She twisted at the bracelets on her wrist, trying to forget how she'd met up with Dogg's friends after she'd gone back to her apartment. Dogg was too busy…so he'd sent his boys, and Emma had played along. Now, she stared at the ugly puke green color glaring at her from her wrist…four to be exact. One from Dogg…one from Joe…and Neil had given her two because he said she was worth two. She sighed and shoved her hand deeply into her pocket and rubbed a thin finger longingly along the bag of powder in her pocket. This stuff wasn't as long lasting as the oxy…and the ache was already stronger, even though she'd only done it twice. She knew she was in big trouble, and it wasn't fair to force Alex and Jay to deal with her. She shivered in the warm breeze, wishing the effects lasted as long as oxy…just long enough for her to get where she was going. But it hadn't, and she couldn't risk running out…or worse, getting busted snorting up in the dirty station bathroom. Her thoughts drifted again as she tried to distract herself from the wave of nausea sweeping through her. Like her mind was a VCR, it sped through pictures of memories until it suddenly slammed to a halt at the memory of Manny's twisted, rage-filled face.

Ever since Manny had found out about her and Peter…they never spoke…unless it was harsh insults back and forth on the way to class, or when they were getting ready to fall asleep. She'd turned JT and Toby…along with the rest of the school…against her. Emma knew she was partly to blame for breaking the betrayal rule in the 'Friendship Guide', but shit! Manny could have realized that Emma was desperate…needy.

Peter abandoned her…as soon as he'd seen the demise of the Memma friendship. Chris…who'd already betrayed her because he'd hated her love for Sean, and hated her act with Jay in the ravine more…followed Peter's lead. They wanted to punish her because she just couldn't get over him.

Which brought her back to Sauve. Emma snorted a sad chuckle. The dumb bitch had actually believed a letter would make her move on and forget about him.

Emma watched the train pull up, trying not to think about him. Sean Hope Cameron…the one boy who had always been her undoing…and he'd abandoned her. Not once…but two…three times? Emma had lost count because deep in her heart, she knew she'd written hundreds of letters before Sauve's stupid suggestion…and dozens more after…and not a damned one had ever erased the ache in her heart.

Well, that's what this trip was about. Shutting her heart off from Sean…and everyone else. Emma had decided that she wouldn't need, love, long for…or even want the mess of human entanglements ever again.

Jay and Alex hurried out of the ravine and stood by his car as Aaron's pulled up next to the little orange Civic. "Did you check the van?" Alex asked.

"For the hundredth time, yes!" Jay groused.

"Hey! Don't get on my case just because-"

"I'm not on your case! I'm just irritated…no pissed! Where the hell is she?"

"Maybe one of Teddy's buddies got to her." Alex's eyes widened. "Shit! What if Teddy-"

Aaron got out of his car and slammed the door. "It wasn't Teddy. It was…me."

Alex turned and lunged at him. "What the fuck did you do to her?"

Aaron sidestepped Alex. "Nothing! We…fought. I pissed her off, and she stormed out."

"But that was hours ago! She could be anywhere by now!"

"Why in the hell didn't you call?" Alex shouted, panicked. "Holy shit!" she gasped, her face filling with fury as she lunged for him again. "You set it all up, didn't you?"

"What?" he laughed in disbelief, but Jay turned and pinned him to the car by his throat.

"You'd better start from the beginning…and speak slowly and clearly," Jay growled, his nose touching Aaron's forehead in a show of who was 'Alpha Dog' in this situation.

Aaron sighed. "We fucked…she wanted it, begged for it, but blubbered the whole damned time. I got pissed and complained. She stormed out. A little while later, I found her coming out of a room…and she was wearing a green bracelet. I called her a whore…she ripped into me…and walked out." Jay studied him for a moment before loosening his grip. "I just figured she needed time to cool off. I never thought this would happen."

Alex glared at both boys. "This is all your fault! You're both shit!" she hissed.

Jay frowned. "What the hell did I do?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Who the fuck was the first piece of shit to show her the ravine night life?"

"I didn't think-"

"And who introduced her to Aaron?" she continued.

"Now, wait just a damned minute! I didn't introdu-"

"Oh, no? Gee…she came back, looking for you, and ran into him! Maybe you didn't introduce them directly, but you may as well have!"

"Hey! She never had to come back…and she sure as hell didn't have to date me!" Aaron hissed.

Alex shook her head. "Oh, no…" she muttered sarcastically. "You just fed off her loneliness, and expected her to just walk away! You know what? Fuck you both!"

"Alex! Wait!" Jay called out, but Alex just shook her head and walked home.

Sean sat in the recreation room, staring out the window into the darkness.

"Penny for your thoughts."

Sean turned with a smile. "Hey! Kim! You a night owl too?"

Kim smiled and sat on the windowsill next to him. "Not usually…unless I sense that someone needs advice."

Sean chuckled and took her hand. "Yeah, well…it's nice to see you."

She smiled back, shaking her head. "No. It's Emma you want to see."

He sighed. "Yeah…I guess."

"No guessing about it, Sean." She sighed. "I…Sean, I heard you talking to Nurse Mitchell. You…you should go home."

"But-"

She gave him a soft smile and squeezed his hand. "We haven't known each other long, right?" He nodded. "Yeah…well, I can honestly say that you're probably one of my best friends. I'll miss you, Sean, but…but as your friend, I'm telling you that you've got a chance to make things right."

He sighed and shook his head again, looking out the window. "No. If I leave, I'm going back to that trailer. I don't deserve Emma…I ruined that all."

"You don't know that!"

"Yeah. I do. Emma and I…" he sighed. "Emma's gone…and I'm here."

"Sean…"

Emma's lids drooped heavily as the train raced down the track. She wondered absently if they'd found her note yet. Her mind drifted back to Aaron, but she slammed the door closed on the thought. She closed her eyes, and saw Sean behind the heavy lids, and she frowned. "Get the fuck out of my head!" she hissed.

"This seat taken?" a girl about Emma's age asked.

Emma sighed and scooted over. "No. Go ahead," she muttered and yawned.

"I'm Tory," the girl said, not seeming to notice that Emma's back was to her.

"I'm sleeping," Emma responded dryly.

"This is my first time on a train, and I'm sort of nervous. You seem so relaxed. How do you do it?"

Emma sighed in frustration and sat up. The girl gasped at Emma's black eye, which had quickly swollen shut. Emma clenched her jaw for a moment. "Here," she mumbled, pulling out the baggy in her pocket. "This will take the edge off. Just…just don't snort it all." She glanced the girl up and down, giving her a knowing nod. "A pinky nail full will do you fine. Any more than that…and I'll kick your skinny ass! That's gotta' last me a while."

The girl gaped at the bag in Emma's hand. "Is that…is that drugs?" she asked with a whisper.

Emma sighed and shoved the bag back in her pocket. She grabbed her backpack and stood up. "Just took the offer off the table." She shoved past the girl. "A seat just opened up…and I'm bored with this conversation."

"Wait!" the girl called out in a panic. Emma stopped and sighed, slowly turning to glare down at the small red head in the seat she'd just vacated.

"What?"

"I…" the girl sighed. "I'm annoying, I know…"

Emma nodded. "Yeah. You are."

She twisted her hands in her lap. "I just…I just got thrown out today…and I just thought that, since you were alone that…" Tory's eyes filled with tears. "You seemed like you do this kind of stuff all the time."

Emma shook her head, sitting back down as guilt washed through her. "No. This is my first time…riding the train alone. Rode with a friend once…but that was a lifetime ago."

Tory gave her a weak smile. "You just seem so relaxed…"

Emma shrugged dully. "I am…cause I just don't care what happens to me anymore."

"Oh! That's…so sad! I mean…you seem like you're nice and-"

"I'm not nice. I ruin everything I touch."

Tory's face crumpled as tears splattered onto her backpack. "You're not the only one! I'm…I just told my mom and dad that my…my boyfriend got me pregnant, and he dumped me. I was sure they'd understand, but they threw me out! Now I've got no one. I've ruined my life! I…how is my baby going to grow up healthy and happy when I've got no one to help me?"

Emma frowned. "You're not giving up? I mean…abortions are-"

The girl's face reddened in a mixture of shame and anger. "No! I'd never do that! I'd rather die than kill my baby!"

Emma sighed and leaned back with a small, sad smile curling the edges of her lips. "I used to feel the same way."

"You don't anymore?"

Emma shrugged. "Don't know exactly. My best friend had one…and I supported her decision, even though I hated it."

"And now?"

"And now I know how bad life sucks. And I wonder, if I were in your shoes…I wonder what would be the point of raising an innocent life in a world so full of viciousness and shit." She sighed. "In the end, you get a gun put in your face…you watch your first and only love walk away without a second thought of how you're going to deal. You get…degraded…raped…shit on. It just happens over and over again. No beginning…no end." She stared coldly at the seat in front of her as an icy smirk played across her lips. "It's a vicious circle. Life's…why bring a kid into that?"

Tory studied her intently. "Haven't you ever thought…you know…that maybe a baby…a precious, innocent life…maybe he or she can be the start of a new cycle? One that's finally full of love for you?"

Sean stared at the envelope in his hand. He couldn't believe he was doing this! How stupid was he? He sighed and handed it to the nurse. "Nurse Mitchell…can you send this, please? Track will pay for the stamp."

Nurse Mitchell studied the address and nodded with a smile. "Can do. Anything else?"

Sean nodded. "Yeah…get the dumb thing out of my face before I lose my nerve!"

Alex walked around the apartment, holding the letter from Emma, and holding back tears. Finally, after what seemed like hours, she dropped to the sofa. Tears trickled down her cheeks.

"Stop being an ass!" she hissed at herself. "You never liked her before…" She sighed, realizing that she liked her now…and had for some time. She'd been more than a friend to her…closer than Ellie or Amy had ever been. Emma had become a part of who she herself now was.

There was a knock on the door, but she ignored it. He poked his head in cautiously, prepared to duck from a flying object. He saw Alex's defeated posture and hurried in.

"Lexi? What's wrong?"

Alex silently handed him the letter and he read it. He looked at her sadly and Alex fell into Jay's lap sobbing as he softly stroked her head, grateful that she couldn't see his own tears. Emma had placed her mark on both their hearts.

Emma watched the girl sleeping restlessly. She sighed and shifted, ready to get some rest herself when two guys moved to the seats directly across from the girls. Emma had an odd feeling about the way they were staring at the girls. She sighed and rolled her shoulders, placing her bag in her lap. She opened it and casually dug through it as one of the guys made a move to sit on one side of her. The other guy advanced on Tory.

Emma had been ready. Her hand quickly grabbed the object she'd been searching for and quickly turned it the way she needed. She yanked her hand free from the bag and aimed…then fired. Quickly moving to the eyes of both guys. They screamed as the hairspray stung their eyes and Emma just as quickly stood and swung the bag like a bat, hitting both boys, toppling them back into their seats.

Tory stirred. "What the-"

"You said you wanted someone to take care of you and the kid. Well, you've met her. Now, move!"

They both scrambled from their seats and hurried into the next car, which was full of people. They sat across from an elderly couple.

"Thanks," Tory murmured.

Emma nodded. "Any time."

Tory dropped her head on Emma's shoulder and Emma looked out the window into the speeding night.