Hi...I was wondering, does anyone else have their own special font that they always use when they're writing? Mine is Tahoma...it is the coolest font. I never use anything else, it bugs me to do that. Tahoma is MY font. Yes, I am aware that no one cares.

Sorry this took so long. I deleted the whole chapter after I wrote half of it and restarted it because it sucked. I had major writers block and couldn't figure out just what I wanted to type. This is kind of a...filler chapter, so to say. I'm sorry. So, it sucks, it's short, I feel like crap and yeah. Sorry. AND I am in High School now. Yeah, I know that's no excuse.

Disclaimer: Yep yep! South Park is mine, just like Duracell, Texas Instruments and the number 16. -shifty eyes-

Chapter 6 - You Have A Girlfriend??

Pip stared uncertainly at the front of the house. It was nothing about the house that made Pip fear for his life - the house itself was pretty normal looking, actually - but the fear of not being a good cook for Damien was overwhelming him. He was so certain that Damien would kick him out...they would never be friends again...Pip shivered at the thought. Maybe he would get lucky?

Ha ha. Pip knew that he just didn't get lucky.

"Pip you're looking a bit...creeped out..." Damien ventured.

"Er, I'm fine," Pip muttered. Damien shrugged and led the way to the front door. Pip felt himself shrink with every step he took; he wasn't good enough to set foot in a place like this.

"It's...kinda boring," Damien admitted with a sheepish grin. "But hey, who cares I guess."

"Who exactly do you live with?" Pip asked, thinking if he knew how many people he had to cook for then he might be slightly less anxious.

"Just me, my dad and his boyfriend," Damien replied while hanging up his jacket. "John is quite...eccentric. But don't mind him, he's pretty cool. Makes great music," Damien said and then started chuckling at some joke that Pip didn't seem to get.

"Great..." Pip felt a bit awkward, since he had no coat to hang up. He stood around awkwardly until Damien was finished.

"Hey, you wanna see my pet? It's evil."

Pip nodded a bit nervously. Damien then led Pip up to his room; Damien was obviously very excited to show someone his pet. Pip didn't know what he'd expected, but it certainly wasn't what he found.

"Is that a...pure black duck?"

Damien nodded proudly. "His name is Quaff. He's a pretty evil little guy." Damien made to open the ebony duck's cage, but Pip instantly shoved Damien's hand away from the glass.

"Don't take him out!" Pip shivered. Quaff had RED EYES and was staring Pip down quite evilly. Pip looked at the ground, wondering what he'd done to make the duck so angry.

"Oh, he just looks like that. He's not really glaring at you, don't worry."

Pip just shook his head. "Um...so is this your room?"

Damien rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yep, home sweet home." Pip didn't really like Damien's room much. It was pretty dark and...freaky. There was a stain that looked like blood on the eastern wall, and all the walls besides that were black. His bed covers were black with silver spider webs. His carpet was a plaid print, and his dresser was...you guessed it. Black.

"Ha ha, are you scared of my room?" Damien asked with a taunting chuckle. Pip just shrugged.

"Uh...well..."

Damien just shrugged. "Ha, I expected that. You're too...happy? I dunno the word for it."

Pip scoffed. He was the last person he'd ever peg for being happy. "Well, I guess if that's what you want to call it. Um...when do you want dinner?" Pip couldn't help asking; it was all that had been on his mind since Damien had said it.

Damien narrowed his eyes curiously at Pip. "Well, I was kidding...but if you'd like to, you can, I guess?"

"Um...uh...I don't care...?"

Damien's countenance brightened immediately. "You should! My dad would love it! He enjoys home-cooked meals to an extreme extent, believe me."

Pip just nodded and muttered unintelligible things under his breath. "Sure, I can start now, I guess...what should I make??"

"Surprise us?" Damien asked, with a somewhat hopeful/curious/scared tone to his voice. Pip looked at the ground, smiling. At least he couldn't get mad at him for making the wrong dinner. Damien had told him to make ANYTHING!

So, Damien directed Pip to the kitchen, and then left him. Pip stared at the large kitchen in awe. It was bigger than his whole house.

"Hmm...um..." Pip didn't really use the oven on a regular basis...or a microwave...or a blender...or a food processor...or any other high-tech kitchen appliances. He didn't even know where to begin with the coffee maker. He tentatively opened a cupboard and started pulling out random ingredients.

He decided he'd make a Ramen chef-d'oeuvre of some sort and hope that they thought that it was better than it really was. Pip had made Ramen before, at least three times. Was it three minutes? Or six...hmm...

He had finally gotten the whole Ramen thing down, had made about six packets of it, and was just about ready to put in a seventh. "Hmm...I'll use oriental flavor this time, I think," he decided.

"Who the hell are you?"

Pip jumped just about three feet in the air, very narrowly managing to catch the packet of Ramen before it dropped to the ground. He spun around faster than a jack-rabbit on a burning griddle in Africa in August - er, you get the point.

Damien had told Pip that he only lived with his dad and his dad's boyfriend. But there was a GIRL staring at Pip! A beautiful, brunnette girl with hair falling down to her waist. There was absolutely no way that anyone could mistake her for a guy. And there was no way that Damien could have FORGOTTEN that she lived there! So, Pip reasoned that she didn't live there. So who was she?

"Uhm...I-I'm Pip!" Pip said finally, shaking his head of his thoughts. "I'm a friend of Damien!"

The girl started to laugh. Not just a chuckle, but an all-out, loud, bend yourself over in half, hold onto your stomach so it doesn't fall out laugh. "Oh my...oh my..." she seemed to be having trouble breathing, and couldn't get out the words that she wanted to get out. "Ok...I'm good...did you say friend of Damien?" she asked, clearly not believing him.

"Yeah! Uhm...well, I..." Pip just shrugged. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Okay, this is not POSSIBLE. How did Damien become friends with you?"

Pip shrugged again. "I don't know...may I ask who you are?"

She laughed. "Oh, I didn't even tell you my name! Sorry," she said, not sounding the least bit sorry. "I'm Sarah. I'm Damien's girlfriend."

Pip refused to acknowledge the icy cold feeling - was that jealousy? - that seeped through his veins.

"You are not, you stinking liar!" came Damien's voice as he stepped into the kitchen. "We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend!" Damien walked over to where Pip was, muttering death threats the whole time. "Hey, nice Ramen thing," he said sarcastically, motioning towards Pip's Ramen chef-d'oeuvre. It was a LOT of Ramen, piled all over the place, with many a toppings, such as cheese, garlic, and pepperoni.

"Er...uhm...I've never made this before," Pip muttered.

"I noticed," Damien said. He had seemed to have forgotten that Sarah was in the room.

"Hello? I'm over here, Damien," Sarah said in a snooty voice. She could be like that.

"Hello? I don't care," Damien replied. "Pip, you should throw that away. I think we'll just order Chinese tonight."

Sarah decided that she needed to stay and eat dinner with everyone (A.K.A. with Damien). She sat close to him, grabbed the same food as him, and clung to him throughout the whole meal. Pip again refused to believe that he was actually, possibly, very likely jealous of this girl.

Damien's father, as Pip had known, was very literally Satan. He was a large man (was he a man?), 7 1/2 feet tall at the least, 14 pack, and the kindest disposition that Pip had ever met.

"Pip? Yes, you sweetie. Could you pass the egg rolls? Thank you dear!"

Yes, that was Satan talking.

Satan's boyfriend, on the other hand, was nothing like Satan, in his appearance and in his demeanor. He was 5' 11", had a 1.5 pack, and was a bit of a snob.

"Damien, pass the soy sauce, you dumb brat!"

Yes, that was John talking.

Pip tried not to take too much food, seeing as he didn't help pay for even a cent of it. But Damien, who was sitting right by him, kept piling mounds of egg rolls and rice and chow mein onto his plate. Pip couldn't say he wasn't grateful, though. This was probably the best meal he had ever eaten, just about ever!

Pip found that he liked Damien's "family" a lot. They really did seem like they loved each other, even if some people (cough cough JOHN cough cough) were kind of snobbish. Pip didn't even have to worry about them not liking him, because he could see that they didn't really mind him one way or the other. Except for maybe Sarah. Sarah seemed to have an extreme dislike of him. But she wasn't really part of Damien's family...Pip wouldn't ever have to see her again...

Speak of the Devil. Well, not really the Devil, since he's over across the table. Speak of the Sarah! "Damien? Did you hear what my dad was talking about doing?" Sarah asked.

"Sarah? Did you hear that I don't care?"

Sarah plundered on, unfazed. "He was thinking about moving in with you and Satan! And John, of course. He is starting to dislike our house, and thinks he and Mary are good enough friends with you guys to move in!"

This had Satan's attention. "J wants to move in? That would be super! We have like 20 guest bedrooms, oh that would be grand! And that would mean you would move in too, Sarah!"

Pip, not for the first time that night, felt like his blood had frozen over, and wanted to run to his box and hide.

"What? Dad no! I hate Sarah!"

"Oh nonsense! Sarah and you are just too cute!"

Damien glared heavily at his father. "Dad..."

"Son, you know it would be all the better! It would make...stuff...easier, and stuff!"

Sarah giggled, latching herself onto Damien's arm. "This is so cool! It'll probably happen sometime next week, Dad was thinking. Oh this is so cool! I'm going to get to see you every day! EVERY day! Like, Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thurs-"

Damien cut her off. "Dad, this isn't fair! Jesus doesn't have to live here to make things easier!"

"Wait a second...Jesus?" Pip had been quietly watching the conversation, but had felt the need to jump in when he heard something about JESUS moving in. Everyone stared at him and he shrunk in his seat, somewhat embarrassed. "Er...well...you're talking about Jesus moving in...and I'm confused..."

Sarah piped up, ready to answer Pip's question. "Jesus is my dad! I'm his illegitimate child, Sarah! They talked about me in that one book...you know, the one about the artist? And him having some sort of code?"

"The Da Vinci Code," Damien supplied.

"Yeah! That one!"

Pip soaked up the information like a Bounty paper towel. "Uhm...wow..."

Satan laughed. "I'm sorry Pip! We're somewhat of a messed up family!"

"Jesus is your friend? I mean, you're Satan..."

Satan grinned. "Me and Jesus have had our rough patches...hell, I made him starve himself one time...I told him he was too fat for the robe he was wearing...so he 'fasted' for God knows how long..." Satan chuckled embarrassedly. "But anyways, that's beside the point. Besides John here," Satan ruffled John's hair lovingly, "Jesus is my super best friend!"

Pip stared. He stared a little more. And then he fainted.

Hi...

I know Satan being friends with Jesus is quite an odd concept.

If that offends any of you religion fanatics out there, I am so very sorry. Well, I'm not really. If you want to flame me about it, go ahead. But don't read anymore if you don't want to. If it bothers you, I would stop reading RIGHT NOW.

I am only thinking of your good will. That's how nice of a person I am.

SFWJFX

I dare you to try and figure out THAT code.