Chapter 21: Redemption Road

Emma was lying underneath Tracker. His hand squeezed her hip softly and she moaned and arched her hips against his lower body. Her hands wove themselves into his hair and pulled his lips tighter against hers, deepening the kiss. Tracker's sighed into her lips and softly moved his hand up her side.

'Don't scare her…' his mind whispered. 'She's been through enough.'

His hand settled gently on her neck, cupping it. He reveled in the feel of her soft tongue dancing against his.

Suddenly, a car horn honked in the distance, making them both jump. The reality of what was going on…what could have happened…entered both their minds. They pulled apart quickly and sat up. Emma fixed her clothing nervously, avoiding eye contact.

"I…uhhh…yeah," Emma mumbled.

"Emma…it…nothing happened."

She nodded and jumped up. "I'm going to start dinner so your mom doesn't have to rush," she mumbled as she hurried to the kitchen.

"Emma!" Tracker tried again.

She ignored him and plowed on. "I'm not much into meat dishes…but I can make a vegetarian lasagna dish. Then a salad. And garlic bread…don't wanna' forget the garlic bread…"

"Emma, please. We need to talk about this-"

"All your mom will have to do is make some sort of meat to go along with it…if she wants to."

"You can't ignore this. Emma! It was a kiss. Nothing more…nothing less. It happened. It meant nothing."

Emma stopped cold, the knife in her hand slipping and clattering to the floor. Tracker's heart ached when he heard the pain in her voice. "It meant nothing to you?" she whispered softly.

Tracker took a step towards her, kicking himself for bringing her more tears. He touched her shoulder and turned her to him, pulling her into his arms. "I meant that it meant no more than you want it to mean. But it meant a lot to me…" he muttered softly before his lips sought hers again.

Sean rang the doorbell and sighed as he shifted the pack on his shoulder uncomfortably. This wasn't how it should have been. When the door opened, he cleared his throat and looked into his closest friends' eyes.

"Sean? I thought you were going to stay with your brother in Alberta," Tyler said in confusion as he stared at the slightly shorter boy.

Sean shrugged. "Ehh…figured I'd hang with your ugly mug for a while," he replied with what he hoped was a legitimate looking smirk.

He could tell by Tyler's eye roll that he'd failed miserably, as usual. "Yeah…sure…" Tyler said and clapped him on the back as he led him inside.

"Am I that predictable?" Sean asked.

Tyler chuckled and shook his head. "Nah, Man. Not at all," he answered sarcastically.

"Shoot me now!" Sean moaned as he carried his bag to the spare room Tyler's parents had set up for him.

"OK…that statement is just a little creepy…you know…after what your dad did and all…"

Sean chuckled. "Yeah? Yeah…I guess it is."

"So…" Tyler said, plopping down on the bed. "What really brings you back here? I can't see you bailing on Track unless it's something really important."

Sean nodded. "It is."

"So then spill it."

Sean flopped down on the bed next to his new best friend. "I want to see Emma."

Tyler shrugged. "So? Go back and see her."

"I can't. I'm not…not…"

"What? You're not what? Stable? Brave? Good looking? You're not what?"

"I'm just…I'm not good enough."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "You're still on that load of horse shit? Weren't you the one that always told me that Emma was the only one who could make you feel good enough for her?"

Sean nodded. "Yeah. But this time it's not enough. This time I actually have to be good enough."

"So what are you gonna' do?"

Sean shrugged. "I don't know. But until I figure that out, I can't go home…Toronto…I can't go back to Toronto."

Tracker pulled back from Emma and put his forehead against hers. "We're playing with fire. You know that, right?"

Emma looked at him, confusion swirling in her eyes. Tracker sighed and tried to think of a way to explain. "You're seventeen…"

"I'll be eighteen soon," she reminded him, fiddling with the buttons of his shirt and nipping softly at his neck.

He pulled away again and caught her hands in his own. "It's not just that. It's…it's…" he sighed at the hurt expression on her face. "Emma, it's Sean. How can we have this…this thing…and expect it not to hurt Sean?"

"To hell with Sean! He's the one who bailed on me! I just needed him, and he bailed!"

"Emma…" Tracker sighed. "Emma, you're not going to feel that way forever. Especially when I tell you something." He heaved another sigh and plopped down on a kitchen chair. "I should have told you before, but…with everything you've been going through, I didn't…"

Emma sat across from him and twisted her hands anxiously. "Get to the point, Cameron!"

"Emma…Sean's not doing so hot. He's…he just got out of a mental hospital over in Wasaga."

Emma jumped up from the table. "What? Are you serious?" She paced nervously back and forth along the faded linoleum of the kitchen floor. Her head dropped, examining the simple circular pattern as if it were the most intricate design in the world.

Tracker sighed and ran a hand sadly through his hair. "I wish I were."

She paced, dumbfounded. How had this happened? How had Sean gone all the way home to Wasaga…the place she'd known he needed to be…just to become as messed up as her? Confusion and pain suddenly gave way to slowly simmering anger, which soon gave way to boiling rage. She lunged at Tracker, pummeling his chest. "Why didn't you tell me sooner!"

Tracker tried to catch her hands as they pelted his face…his chest…"Emma stop! I wanted to tell you, but…"

She pulled back, panting. "What? What Tracker? You tried to tell me, but…"

"I couldn't, dammit! Look at you! You're a mess! You wouldn't have been able to handle it!"

Emma crumpled sadly into one of Tracker's hard wooden chairs. She stared off into space. "Thanks for having the faith in me to trust me," she hissed sarcastically.

Sean shifted uncomfortably on the bed Tyler had offered him. It's not like it wasn't a nice bed. The mattress was soft…the pillows were like marshmallows beneath his cheek. The problem wasn't the bed. The problem was himself.

How could he prove to Emma that he was worthy of her love when he himself felt unworthy? He thought about how her mom had struggled to take care of her while she was growing up. She'd wanted for a lot of things in her young life…but never for parental love. Her home was broken from the start, but she hadn't missed her father one bit until her mother had remarried and there was a new baby on the way.

And who could blame her? It couldn't have been easy to watch her mother and feel like the love she'd given her all her life was being transferred onto a new baby. He knew deep down that Emma had fought the urge to resent Jack before his birth, being forced into a smelly basement room that offered little privacy year-round…no privacy on laundry day. But, other than taking off to meet her real father Shane, Emma had offered little resistance.

Sean tossed and punched the pillow beneath his head, trying to get more comfortable. He thought of his own childhood. The only struggle his parents seemed to suffer…seemed to concern themselves with…was whose turn it was to go down to the liquor store on the corner and buy the next bottle of booze.

It had been Sean and Tracker who'd had the real struggle. His parents never worried about whether they'd had clothes on their backs or food in their stomachs. They'd gone years, Sean was sure, with nothing more than donations from pitying parents because his parents would sell their food stamps for booze…booze…and more booze.

Sean, unlike Emma, had grown up with a chip on his shoulder. He'd grown to resent his lot in life. He grew up angry and resentful. He'd become full of hate. He fought to protect himself. He fought to protect his family's name. He'd fought to get rid of some of the rage that held him down and swallowed him up. He fought to hide the pain and shame of his upbringing.

Emma…she was the one who'd made him see that fighting didn't make him a bigger person. Fighting had done nothing but get him in trouble. He smiled a bit. Then again, fighting is what had gotten him sent to Toronto, and to Emma.

He sighed sadly and rolled over again. And fighting was the one thing that had lost her…not once, but twice. Now he wasn't sure if he could prove to her that his fighting days were over. He wasn't sure if he was worthy of Emma…let alone if he was worth anything at all. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was bound and determined to try.