I got reviews...

But I didn't get 16 of them like I should have.

So screw you guhs, I'm goin' home!

-15 second pause-

Well...I'm kind of already at home.

But seriouslah you guhs!

I need reviews

Or I am not a happy panda.

And unhappy pandas don't post new chapters.

Butbut...I'd like to think this chapter is actually kind of funny...Pip, in his almost two weeks of living with Damien, has become less skittish! Whoot!

This chapter was SOOOO much fun to write.

Disclaimer: South Park is my property, just like Rolling Stone Magazine, Etnies, and Fender. Did you not know all this already? Gosh you're an idiot!!! Haven't you been reading my other disclaimers? Look at all the wonderful things I own! And South Park is one of them...

Chapter 9 - Sexcapades

The first week of Pip moving in with Damien was quite hectic indeed. Pip had had to crash in Damien's room, for all of the guest bedrooms were taken, by Jesus and Mary, and Sarah. Oh, and Peter was there too. Peter, one of Jesus' main disciples (and his best friend) had, for some reason, been invited to live there as well. It seemed that Jesus felt it was okay to just bring along his friends, though Pip couldn't understand why Satan would have let him in, seeing as Peter and Satan didn't quite get along. There were unopened boxes in random places, clothes strewn across the living room (mostly from John and Satan though...), dishes piled up in the sink, and music playing so loudly that Pip couldn't hear himself think. All in all though, it worked out pretty well, at least, better than Pip had thought it would.

The first night was probably the hardest for Pip, though even that was pretty easy, as long as you forgot about Sarah threatening to kill him.

"What are you guys doing?" Sarah asked, as Damien and Pip had walked into the house, Pip holding a large box full of clothes.

"We are planning our elaborate plan to take over the world," Damien replied.

"'Planning your elaborate plan'?" Sarah asked, giggling. "Damien, you're so funny! But seriously, if Pip left, why are you bringing him back? My party isn't over yet, you know!"

"Well, because Pip is moving in with us, of course!" Damien said with a bright grin.

You could've sworn Sarah had actual fire in her eyes. She was so angry that Pip was actually scared. "Damien, you're such a fucktard sometimes! Pip is a sinner! He's gay! AND he is completely stupid, and annoying, and to top it all off, he's FRENCH!"

"I'm not French," Pip muttered softly.

"We have no room for the little freak anyway! Pip, you'll be gone, you will be out of this fucking house, believe me!" Sarah threatened. "I HATE YOU!!!"

Pip sighed. Everyone seemed to hate him for no reason... "Why? I just...everyone hates me...is there a reason?? I need to know..."

"You're short, you're scrawny, you're foreign, you're blonde, you wear a dumb hat, you are always with Damien, you're obsessive, you're stupid, you're a sinner, you talk too fucking much, and urgh!!! I'd kill you if you wouldn't just go to hell where Damien already is most of the time! You need to stay away from him!" She said, pointing her finger in an accusing way.

Damien chuckled. "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...I believe it's actually my fault he's here, not his. And by the way, short, scrawny, foreign, blonde, obsessive guys turn me on." Damien winked, a sly grin taking over his face. Pip couldn't decide whether Damien was kidding or being serious... "And anyways, why do you keep trying to force me to hate Pip by calling him a 'sinner'? I am the son of one of the most sinful beings in the universe, in case you've forgotten."

Sarah huffed, turning away and going back to her guests. Damien just laughed and dragged Pip upstairs to his bedroom. Pip shuddered at the darkness, but found himself slightly enjoying the plaid carpet... "Okay, so you'll be sleeping on the floor, I guess," Damien mused. "I can clear out a drawer for your clothes or something...hmm..."

"Please, don't trouble yourself!" Pip asked. "I can fend...I'll just keep my clothes in this box, and keep this box in your closet or something!"

"No, you're not going into my fucking closet!!" Damien said, sounding somewhat defensive. Pip didn't have a clue why, and wasn't sure he wanted to know why... "I have a drawer that I barely use anyway, I'll just let you use it. I don't have too many clothes to need to put away anyways." Damien didn't actually end up cleaning out the drawer though. He forced Pip to do it, while he went off to 'find a blanket' for Pip, and didn't come back for fifteen minutes.

Pip thought the dirty joke in his head about Damien's absence. It was on the tip of his tongue, he wanted to say it so badly too! But he didn't. No, he could never purposely offend his only friend and only hope of staying out of the cold!! Pip knew Damien would get so angry...and Pip didn't want to be friendless yet again over a stupid perverted joke.

"I've got everything put away," Pip opted to say instead.

"Good. I got you a pillow too, while I was getting you a blanket," Damien said while throwing them both at Pip's head.

"Yeah...getting a blanket, that's what you were doing," Pip muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" Pip squeaked quickly.

Damien just rolled his eyes and shook his head. "So, okay, tomorrow we have school, and I am not walking again."

"That's okay! I can walk on my own!"

Damien shook his head. "No, that ain't gonna work. Pip, are you old enough to drive?"

"I don't have a car," Pip said, evading the question Damien had actually asked. Seeing as it was his birthday, he was technically old enough to drive.

"I didn't ask that..." Damien said, not sounding too annoyed yet. "Are you 15 still, or are you 16?"

"16," Pip answered warily. "But...I haven't taken Drivers Ed. I haven't exactly had the money..."

Damien pouted. "Damn! I was thinking maybe you could just borrow one of my dad's cars, or something. I, of course, have been in hell almost my whole life, so I have never taken Drivers Ed."

"Sorry then..." Pip said. He didn't know quite what he was sorry for...oh yeah, now Damien would have to walk with him. "I'll just walk by myself!!"

"Nah, I can walk with you. When'd you turn 16 anyway?" Damien seemed genuinely curious.

Pip shrugged. "Erm...not too long ago."

"Like...March?"

"No..."

"February?"

"No..."

"January?"

"No..."

Damien tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips confusedly, his eyebrows narrowing into a 'V'. "Any earlier than that and it won't be not too long ago...just tell me already!"

Pip shrugged again. "Erm...April?" he said, a somewhat scared grin taking over his face.

"Uhm...it's only April 13th...I've known you since way before April...did you have your birthday and not tell me?!?"

Pip shrugged for the third time in a row. Damien was getting irritated, he could tell. "Well...uhm...kinda. My birthday's not exactly over yet..."

Damien's eyes widened in understanding. "Dude! Weak! Why would you not tell me it's your birthday today??"

Pip shrugged.

"STOP SHRUGGING!"

Pip stared off away from Damien, finding it easier to not look him in the eye. "Sorry..."

"About what? Shrugging or not telling me that it's your birthday?!?"

"Both?" Pip asked more than said hopefully.

Damien was silent for a moment. "Well," he began finally, "I got you off the streets. Happy birthday."

The rest of the week was somewhat weird. Pip had had much trouble with understanding an actual family, albeit a very messed-up one. Satan and John Lennon did it in so many different places that Pip had already walked in on them more than five times. Sarah took it upon herself to try and cause Pip as much pain as possible. Plus, Peter seemed to turn up wherever he went, trying to give Pip 'advice' on all things from Damien to bathing!

Plus, there was the part that Pip felt like he could not fit in with. It seemed that he would walk into a room and suddenly everyone would shut their mouths. Pip didn't know whether he was overreacting, too stupid to know what they were talking of, or if they just didn't want him to know about whatever it was. Pip decided to just ignore it though; it couldn't be that important, right? If it was so important that it would be completely horrible for Pip to be involved in it, they would have kicked him out already. Right?

Most of the week, there was never a time when everyone was home at the same time. What with Damien and Pip having school, Jesus' talk show, Sarah's parties, Satan's weekly trips to hell, and Peter's fishing trips, it was hard to actually get everyone together at the same dinner table to eat.

But, on the Friday of the week after Pip had moved in, everyone was home at the same time, and Mary had taken it upon herself to cook a huge fancy meal.

"Bless us O Lord, and these thy gifts"- Jesus started, but was cut off by Damien.

"Hey! Some of us are Satanists here!"

"Bless us O Lord and O Satan, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounties, through Christ and Satan, our Lords, Amen."

"Amen!"

Mary had gone all out with her meal. She had roasted some of Peter's fish, and some duck also. There was a huge gravy boat. She had made three different salads. There were also some rolls, and some cheese, and there was fruit salad, macaroni salad, and corn casserole. Plus, for dessert, she had made cheesecake, pumpkin pie, and some odd pudding thing that Pip couldn't name even if he tried.

"M-Mary...this is so much food...thank you so much!" Pip said, the first one who had even thought to thank the wonderful chef of this meal.

"Why thank you Pip!" Mary Magdalene said with a sweet smile. Mary was the nicest person that lived in this house, from Pip's point of view. Satan, John, Damien, and Sarah could all be complete bitches. Peter was so aloof that it was hard to tell if he was even at home or not. Jesus had a small anger management problem.

Of course, everyone else decided that, to be nice (and to not be outshined by the stupid little French boy), they needed to thank Mary Magdalene as well, in their own way.

"Thanks for the wonderful food..." -glare at Pip for making him say that-

"Uhm...many thanks Mary..." -staring off somewhere else-

"You're such a sweetie!" -gay smile-

"Mom, I want more of this food!" -bratty grimace-

"Let's make love!" -horny-

"You'd better not let that bratty Damien eat all of it!" -...John-

The meal was quite a scary affair, in truth. In the midst of all the confusion, gravy throwing, yelling, flirting, and whatever else went on at that table, Pip was sitting, scared off his scrawny French - I mean British - ass, in the middle or it all.

"Pass the fucking gravy Pip!"

"Sarah watch your mouth!"

"Honey, you're looking quite sexy..."

"As are you, you silly goose John!"

-Plop-

"Damien, you got gravy on me, you fucktard!"

"Saw-ree, John..."

Pip stayed silent throughout the entire meal. Only it was hard NOT to talk when Sarah started flirting shamelessly with Damien, and Pip wouldn't have been satisfied with merely chopping her head off.

"Damien, you're such a cutie, eating your turkey like that!" Sarah cooed, complimenting Damien on eating his turkey in the same exact way everyone else around the table was. Her hand had made it's home on his upper arm, and her low-cut shirt was as close as possible to Damien's face without alerting the rest of the table of what she was doing. She ran her other hand through his hair. "Damien, your hair is SOO soft!"

"Uhm...thank you?"

Pip couldn't even try to deny it. He was jealous. Why does she have the courage to be all over him like that when it's been made quite plain to her that HE HATES HER?? Pip instantly kicked himself. Hard. Literally, not mentally. I don't have ANY say over what Damien does...and it's not like I'd want to be all over him anyway!!! Maybe...someday...Damien will realize that he and Sarah would be good together, get married, have kids, if possible for the undead... Pip felt something that tasted like vomit come up into his throat, and had to cough and spit to get the bad tasting stomach acid out of his mouth.

But, Pip was actually somewhat perturbed the whole meal. Sarah was all over Damien, and no matter how he kept declaring his undying hate of the illegitimate daughter of Jesus Christ, Damien didn't make a whole lot of effort to get her off. Pip sat, on Damien's right side, feeling contempt, not only towards Sarah, but to himself, for being a selfish prick. I will have to get used to the idea that Damien and Sarah are, if not already, going to be boyfriend and girlfriend...it doesn't matter how she treats me, she is wonderfully nice to Damien. In fact...I think they'd be good for each other...certainly much better than I'd be for Damien...of course, I mean that purely platonically!!! She'd be better for him as a girlfriend than I'd be as a friend! Yeah, that's what I meant to think!

That night, Damien disappeared from the bedroom.

After that night, Sarah was over Damien even more than she was before. If that was even possible. Unlucky for Pip, he had to deal with it even more, because it was Spring Break in Park County. Damien was home all day. Sarah was over him all day. There were thousands of sweet words exchanged (more like thrown at Damien from Sarah), and there were a million moments when Sarah just stared dreamily at Damien's hot body. Hot according to her!! Not me!! After that night, everything seemed different, more intimate with them.

Pip was almost 100 percent positive that Damien and Sarah were secretly having sex, after dark, during the middle of the night. He was positive that there was no way that they couldn't be, not with how much time they spent with each other!

So, Pip, being the smart human being that he was, decided to go on an escapade, and find out if they really were having sex. He didn't know how he'd do it, what he'd do, or how he'd worm his way out of trouble if he was caught, however. Well...I'm pretty sure Damien wouldn't hate me for it...he'd just get very mad...and maybe force me to sleep outside...or...he might kick me out!! Is it worth it? Not really, no...I'd only be figuring out for sure if he is really doing it with her...that's not important...not at all...

But, in the days Pip had spent at Damien's house had made him slightly braver, so an hour later, Pip was snooping through Damien's bedroom.

Now, Pip wasn't exactly what you'd call sexually informed. Sure, he knew sex happened between a guy and girl, and that certain areas of the body were involved...but beyond the fact that you needed to wear a condom, Pip hadn't a clue what he should be looking for! He started in the obvious places, like Damien's very black side table, and underwear drawer. Pip had to convince himself that he was NOT looking in this drawer for his own pleasure, but to find a box of condoms...or something. "I am straight!" Pip whispered violently to himself, whilst in the middle of fingering every single pair of Damien's boxers, searching for something he wasn't even positive was there.

Next, Pip decided he needed to check the closet! Certainly Damien wouldn't keep something secret in such an obvious place as his underwear drawer...everyone put their secret crap in that top drawer...

Pip didn't find any condoms in Damien's closet. He did find some backwards books, though ("Hmm...I wonder what Yow-eye Hen-tay means? And what an interesting picture is on the front of this book..."), and he found some strange looking objects ("Hey, this looks like kind of like a rocketship...is it electronic? It is!") hidden in a cardboard box deep in the bottom of Damien's extensive closet. He didn't think that either of these things had to do with sex, so there was no point to worry about them. There was nothing else in the closet worth noting, so Pip came out, somewhat discouraged that he hadn't found any evidence to Sarah and Damien having sex.

"Maybe...I should check Sarah's room!" But immediately, Pip doused the idea with icy water. Sarah would murder him. Only, she'd find a way to do it without actually killing him...there would be nothing but sheer pain and torture...finding out if Sarah was doing it with his Damien wasn't worth it... Wait, I did NOT just say my Damien! Because there's no way I feel anything about any of this, Damien's not mine, and, and, and, I DON'T CARE IF THEY HAD SEX OR NOT!

A few moments later, after checking that Sarah and Damien were mesmerized by Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Pip snuck into Sarah's room, looking for clues. "Hmm...I think my clue is pointing that way..." Pip muttered, going towards Sarah's top drawer.

Oh God...she is going to kill me...and, and Damien will side with her! I mean, why wouldn't he? Oh God! I shouldn't be doing this! This is wrong! This is Sarah! Oh my God...I'm so sorry God! Please, please, I swear I'll make this up to you! I promise!

Pip shuddered when he opened the top drawer. There were so many lacy, frilly, pink things in this particular drawer. Pip gulped, shakily moving around pairs of panties to see around inside. He was surprised, and completely disgusted, to find a pair of Damien's red silk boxers in Sarah's panty drawer... Either she stole it, or he left it in here!!! I'm hoping for the former... Pip had possibly found the first piece of incriminating evidence toward his hypothesis. Pip left it, completely gagging, and slammed the drawer shut in his utter need to get away from that intimate area. BANG! Pip froze, wondering if they'd heard him...after a whole minute had passed, and Pip wasn't being completely pounded upon yet, he gave a sigh of relief. They hadn't heard!

Pip went now to Sarah's bedside table, and checked the drawers there. He didn't find anything...except, one of Damien's socks!! It even looked like a fancy sock, a sock he'd wear just before he went on a date...Why are all his clothes in here?? Pip thought frenziedly. This was his possible second piece of incriminating evidence.

Pip ventured to her trash can, wondering if possibly an old condom wrapper would be there. He didn't find any, but then realized that Sarah wouldn't be so stupid as to put it in her own bedroom!

Pip then moved on to the upstairs bathroom, right across the hall from Sarah's bedroom. He dug around in the trash can in there, looking for the plastic. He didn't find a condom though...he found something worse. Something he wouldn't have expected, especially not at a house of mostly guys. Something that most certainly had to belong to Sarah.

There was a pregnancy test in that trash can.

And it was positive.

"OH GOD!" he screamed. "She's pregnant...oh God...Damien is going to be a father!" Pip fell down, unable to support himself. "Oh no...how could this happen? Damien probably doesn't know...how long have they been doing it?" Pip's worst fears were confirmed. Damien and Sarah were officially together, and officially going to be parents.

Pip inhaled deeply, and exhaled just as. "Okay...so, Damien is going to be a father...nothing wrong with that! Absolutely nothing! I'll just wait until they decide to tell everyone, and then I'll congratulate them!"

-5 minutes later-

Pip burst into the living. "Sarah's pregnant!" he screeched. Damien and Sarah both shot straight up in their respective chairs.

"What?!?" Damien sputtered. "P-pregnant?"

"I'm not pregnant you dumb-shit!" Sarah yelled. "You stupid fuck! What the hell are you even talking about??!?"

Pip narrowed his eyes in a determined fashion. "I have the test! I can prove it! And Damien is the father!" He shoved the test out in front of him, clearly showing off the "positive" green that showed prominently at one end of the stick. "See?!? You're pregnant! And who else would be the father but DAMIEN?????"

"That's not mine!" Sarah yelled with a glare. "I'm not pregnant!!"

"I've never had sex with that bitch!" Damien yelled.

"Well, then who else's could it be?" Pip asked smugly, crossing his arms.

"Oh dear..." said a sweet sounding voice from the door. Mary Magdalenes slight frame was standing in the doorway, and each "teenager" stared, one in complete embarrassment, one in complete pissed-off-ness, and one in almost-about-to-vomit-ness. "I do believe that is mine...I wasn't planning to tell you all until dinner tonight..." Mary looked positively put out. "I'm sorry, I was going to tell you tonight, but I guess you've already figured it out...oh well..."

After Mary Magdalene had walked out of the room, Sarah turned with a horrible glare towards Pip. "Nice going, you fucking queertard...you made my mom feel bad!" Sarah walked up to Pip (who was a considerable three inches or so shorter that Sarah) and smacked him upside the head. Hard.

"Ow..."

Sarah then huffed out of the room, muttering death threats towards the poor British boy.

Damien was stunned. He couldn't even speak, he was so shocked. "Pip? What the fuck???"

Pip shrugged, thoroughly embarrassed. "Uhm...sorry..."

"What would give you the idea that I'd want to fuck that thing??"

Pip shrugged. "She's always all over you, and you never seem to care! And, and, I found your clothes in her room!"

"You snooped through her room??"

Whoops.

Pip grinned apologetically. "Uhm...I'm sorry??"

Damien ran a hand through his hair. "Pip...Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip..."

"You don't wanna kick me out do you?"

Damien shook his head. "My clothes...were in her room?"

"Well...there was a sock in her side table drawer...and there was a pair of crimson boxers in her underwear drawer..."

"OH SICK!" Damien ran into the nearest bathroom, vomited, and came back looking especially green. "I didn't...give her...oh God...no wonder you thought we were fucking! Well, we're not!" Damien was adamant. "There is NO WAY I'd even consider doing it with that...whore...she stole my boxers...what a fucking...urgh!" Damien looked positively pissed. "No matter how sick and disgusting that is, it's a good thing you found them...I'll fucking kill her..."

Pip gulped. He knew Damien would find out about the escapade in his own room soon, and it was better for Pip to tell him now than Damien find out on his own later... "Er...well, I kinda went through your room too." Pip heard a sharp intake of breath. "I'm sorry!" he added, quickly. "It's not like I found anything!"

"Did you go into my closet?" Damien asked, wide-eyed, looking almost feral.

"Erm...yeah..."

"What did you find?"

"Only some odd looking comic books called Yow-eye Hen-tay. And some quaint electronic rocketship things...but, I didn't find anything that you'd want to keep a secret!!" Pip said, waving his hands in front of him. "Seriously!!"

Pip heard a long, weary sigh from Damien. "Do me a favor...never mention either of the things you just said to anyone."

"Why?"

"Just do it!" Damien said with a glare that was meaner than any glare Pip had ever been subjected to before.

"Sure!! I swear!!"

Damien ran his fingers through his hair. "Urgh...you are such a pain..."

Pip stared at the floor, feeling very much like a pain. Damien must have been so fed up with him! "Sorry...I won't do it again!"

Damien nodded. "Yeah...okay..."

They sat down on the couch next to each other, and Damien was soon entranced in the Will Ferrell-ness again. Until, of course, Pip had to interrupt him.

"What does Yow-eye Hen-tay mean?"

Is Sarah bitchy enough for you?

Is Pip cute enough for you?

Oh, I realize that it's pronounced "Ya-oh-ee Hen-ta-ee". I'm not an idiot. Pip just is.

Again, if you put this story on alert...

Or favorited it...

Please review it! If you're going to take the time to come back to it over and over to read it, then could you please review?

Even if it's a short, pointless "You are awesome, update soon!" review, I don't mind! It still gives me inspiration to write more, better, and faster.

I swear, you will not be disappointed. -wink-