Disclaimer; I own nothing.
Pairing: Riku/Sora
Rating: R, though for later chapters
A/N: First of a special thanks to my those who reviewed and those who personally e-mailed me, you guys really know how to lay on a guilt trip, thanks. I needed that push to get me writing again. Now I could give you a lengthy apology the size of the chapter it's self, but I'll save you the torture of reading my excuses. Instead I'll summarize and say R/L takes priority most of the time. You know, nursing is a really intense field and between that and other classes and work and ahh (explodes).
Ahem anyway I do, however, apologize for the chapter, this is a lengthy, yet necessary, sort of, transition chapter. Not much goes on( in my opinion) this is basically a base for referral in later chapters so I hope you enjoy.
(0o0o0) equal secene change.
/Ch 6/
It was Friday afternoon the beginning of the weekend, Riku didn't have any Friday classes and neither did Squall or Tidus, who were in Riku's dorm, they insisted on being there, claiming having roommates sucked. Currently Riku was looking out the window of his room contemplating his reoccurring nightmares and what they meant while Tidus and Squall sat on the floor trying to study.
They had decided to get any homework done early so they could, show Riku the town during the weekend. As appealing as that had sounded to Riku, he would have to burst his friend's bubble, he had other things he had to take care of first. And he knew he was just being a coward by not telling his friends about his weekends plans, which was stupid since they would eventually find out anyway. Riku gave a deep sigh, which caught the attention of his two companions.
"Alright are you going to tell us what's bothering you or am I going to have to beat it out of you?"
Riku rolled his eyes at Squall's threat. He pushed away from the window and walked to the door, without looking back at his friends, he opened the door and stepped out.
"I 'm thirsty. I'm going to get something to drink."
With that he closed the door and began walking towards the common area where there were vending machines.
I'm not running away. Riku thought to himself, he just wanted to get a drink, oh who was he trying to fool? He didn't want to tell his friends about his weekends plans because he knew they would over react and he was already having problems, thinking up a way to get his parents not to over react, without adding his best friends to the mix.
Drink all forgotten Riku reached the common area, where the vending machines were, and sat on one of the navy couches. He leaned back placing his hands behind his head, closed his eyes and sighed. Absentmindedly he wondered how long it would take his friends to come for him.
"Riku?"
Right on cue, Riku thought and a smiled formed on his lips. Opening his eyes he saw Squall standing behind him looking down at him. Tidus had already come around the couch and sat next to Riku. Deciding now was as good a time as any to tell them he answered Squall's previous question.
"There is nothing wrong with me." He paused and before Squall or Tidus could protest he continued, "Nothing wrong that Yeo can't fix."
Squall frowned and came around. Instead of sitting next to Riku he sat on the arm rest propping one foot on the couch seat shifting his body to face the two boys on the couch.
With his eyes fixed on the ceiling above Riku was pointedly ignoring Squall's stare and the way Tidus, who was sitting next to him, had tensed.
"What does Dr. Yeo have to do with anything?"
Riku closed his eyes. So much for trying to stop the inevitable.
"I've… " Riku stopped, opened his eyes and sat up leaning forward resting his elbows on his legs entwining his fingers together, hair falling forward partly obscuring his face. "I've been having nightmares lately."
"Nightmares?"
It was Tidus who asked, his voiced sounding concerned. And he had reason to feel concerned for his friend. Riku had not had a nightmare in almost two years and now they were returning. That would not have been such a big surprise except for the fact, that apparently, the nightmares were returning with enough vigor to make Riku want to seek out his psychiatrists help.
"Except" Riku continued ignoring Tidus's worried tone. " I think they're actually about my accident."
"You remember, what the nightmares are about?"
Squall asked eyeing Riku carefully analyzing every move he made.
A grunt was all Riku gave before slumping back on the couch. His face now wearing a frustrated frown.
"I don't know and I'm just too tired of not remembering or remembering something and not knowing what it is that I'm seeing or if the memories of my nightmares are even relevant to actual events in my life."
The tone Riku was using was a desperate one and Squall did not like it.
"So what do youplan to do?" Tidus asked even though he already knew the answer to that question.
"What I should have done four years ago. Meet the guy responsible for the accident."
At those words Tidus felt panic rising in him. This was the very answer he had not wanted to hear. Riku didn't know, Riku couldn't find out. Tidus panicked and felt frustrated at the same time. Why Riku always insisted on doing things that could end up doing him more harm, was beyond him and he felt himself becoming angry with his best friend.
"Why? Why do you need to meet with him? You think he has all the answers just because he…"
Before Tidus could finish Squall gave him a look reminding him what a grave mistake he would be making if he continued with his angry vent. Knowing full well what the consequences would be if he continued, Tidus decided to stay silent.
Apparently oblivious to the silent communication between his friends Riku, stood up avoiding the gazes that followed him.
"Look I don't expect you guys to understand. But this guy, he knows something about me that I myself can't remember. Yeo and my parents didn't want me to meet him and back then I wasn't too eager nor interested in meeting him. But I feel as if I have prolonged the inevitable for far too long. I'm going home in a couple of hours. I'm staying the weekend and meeting with this guy, regardless of what anyone thinks, including my parents and you guys."
Inhaling deeply Tidus only nodded he may not understand what Riku felt but he knew nothing good was going to come from that meeting, and so did Squall and that thought angered him more than what Riku had just proclaimed. Regardless of what he thought or felt, Riku was still his friend.
"You do whatever you feel you should do Riku. We'll always be here for you."
Turning to face Tidus, Riku smiled down at his friend.
"Thanks that means a lot to me. I'm going to go get ready."
Walking past Squall, Riku felt Squall's hand wrap lightly around his wrist. He stopped and stared straight into Squall's eyes. They stared silently, no words and no silent communication being exchanged whatsoever and finally.
"I hope you find what you're looking for."
Riku merely gave Squall a nod and a small smile and effortlessly walked away. Squall's hand slipping slowly from his wrist.
When Riku was out of earshot Tidus stood up, without looking at Squall, began walking away.
"Tidus."
Squall said hesitantly, which was very out of character for him, but Tidus didn't care. He was however stopped by Squall's hand on his shoulder. Angrily shrugging off Squall's hand, Tidus turned glaring fiercely at his friend.
"Why didn't you let me tell him?" Spat Tidus, accusation lacing his words.
With a sad expression Squall looked right at Tidus, seeing his angry gaze he looked away.
Slowly he began, "It's not for us to tell. He has to find out on his own. If we had told him then."
Tidus took a step back, away form Squall, and shook his head clearly indicating he didn't want to hear what Squall had to say.
"Don't Squall."
"Tidus." Almost a plead.
A shake of a head.
"Just. Don't."
Squall watched Tidus walk away. He closed his eyes and hoped. He really hoped for Riku's sake, he would not be too devastated by what he was about to discover.
0o0o0
Riku had left a few hours ago Tidus had been feeling too upset to go and say good bye. He had walked around the campus a few times, to clear his head and cool his anger. In all he had a lot of time to himself, which usually wasn't a good thing, now he felt awful for having snapped at Riku. And felt guilty for having done the same to Squall too, in all he felt wretched, which would only be fixed when he apologized to Squall.
Which was what he was trying to do, he had gone to Squall's dorm room and he hadn't been there. So Tidus had gone off to search for his friend, which gave him more time by himself thus more time to feel bad.
Entering the common room on his floor he exhaled in relief, seeing Squall sitting on a couch. Without hesitating Tidus went to him. He wrapped his arms around his friend in a backwards hug and sighed.
"I'm sorry, for being an ass."
Tidus apologized. He turned his head and rested his chin on Squall's shoulder. He felt Squall shake his head and give a sigh of his own.
"Don't worry about it"
At that Tidus frowned. Releasing Squall he walked around the couch to stand in front of Squall.
"What's wrong?"
Squall shook his head, refusing to meet Tidus's eyes.
"It's Riku isn't it?"
Again Squall shook his head.
"No"
With a sigh Tidus moved closer to Squall and instead of sitting next to Squall he carefully lowered himself onto his friends lap. Squall allowed the action not even appearing startled, not even when Tidus gently took his facein hishands to face him. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Squall spoke again.
"Yeah, it's Riku. It's always been Riku. I just don't want him to get hurt anymore."
"I know. And I also see now, that telling him would have been a very bad choice."
Squall smiled at his friend. A feeling of guilt creeping up on him.
"To tell you the truth my reason for not telling Riku was selfish, I just can't stand to lose him again to mind induced hallucinations."
"Squall are you in love with him?"
It was a small whisper and Squall was sure if Tidus had not been sitting on his lap he would not have heard it. He looked into Tidus's eyes being taken by surprise by the question and all he found there was concern.
"No, I love him like a brother. We have known Riku since we were three. When he was in his coma I felt so useless I knew no matter what I did, or anyone else did, we could not get Riku back. I remember when we'd go visit him and talk to him and silently I'd wish I could will him to open his eyes but I couldn't. No one could."
Tidus still sitting on Squall's lap sighed and leaned his head on his friends shoulder hugging him around the waist. Squall was upset and Tidus hope his touch would remind his friend he was not alone, that he, Tidus, knew what he was feeling. He had lived it right along with him.
"I know Squall I remember, but he did wake up."
"Yeah he did and for the first months that was even worse than the coma. He woke up and this Sora." The contempt he spoke that name with made Tidus lift his head from Squall's shoulder to stare at his friend. Squall had never resented anything the way he resented Sora.
"This figment of his imagination made him suffer so much that I wished Sora had been real, at least that way there would have been something to fight against."
Frustration was etched into every word Squall spoke making Tidus feel so helpless, Squall was never one to show emotions so easily but when he did, it meant it was real. Unfortunately the feelings Squall was expressing also made him feel pain and Tidus wasn't sure how to help.
"I just want to protect him. I guess, fuck! Tidus I don't even know what I mean."
Squall said not knowing how to express the feelings that where chocking him on the inside. Tidus nuzzled his neck wrapping his arms tightly around Squall's waist resting his head back on the crook of Squall's neck.
As bad as Squall was at expressing his emotions with words, he was just as bad, or worse sometimes, receiving comfort in the form of words. But touch, touch he understood and knew Tidus was trying to comfort him, and he appreciated the gesture.
"I know Squall. You don't have to explain it to me, I understand."
After all he felt exactly the same way Squall did. Tidus felt Squall nudge him and he sat up. Squall brought his hands to Tidus's face caressing his jaw line with the thumbs of his fingers and he smiled.
No words needed to be spoken, Tidus knew Squall was just trying to thank him. They were still staring at each other when there was a noise of someone clearing their throat. Non pulsed they both turned to see Wakka standing a few feet away from them. Tidus smiled cheerfully, neither him nor Squall moving from their position.
A look of disappointment crossed Wakka's face but he recovered quickly with a smile.
"Hey guys, there's a party at the frat, you guys wanna come?"
"You bet, Wakka. We'll be there."
With a nod and a smile he turned but not before giving one last glace at the two men on the couch who where back to staring at each other. When Squall was sure he was gone he turned to smile at Tidus.
"I think he likes you."
"Who Wakka? Nah."
Squall rolled his eyes, Tidus could be so blind when it came to seeing people who were interested in him it was most sad.
"You really think so?"
Squall nodded shifting beneath Tidus's weight.
"Now. Kindly get your heavy ass off me."
A gasp was heard from Tidus, who was trying not to laugh or sigh in relief, seeing the tension in Squall's eyes disappear.
"I'm not fat."
"Regardless, you weigh and my legs are numb."
With a pout Tidus rose from his make-shift chair and began to walk away.
"I'm going to get ready for the party. See you there?"
Squall nodded and before Tidus could move out of ear shot he spoke.
"Tidus. I…" He stopped and frowned.
Giving him a smile Tidus waved his hand in dismissal.
"Anytime, Lion-heart."
And he left before Squall had time to retort to the play on his last name. Squall just smiled fondly at his friends retreating form.
0o0o0
Upon his arrival Riku had been embraced by both his mother and father, who eagerly ushered him inside his home. After gushing over him for a few minutes Riku was allowed to go to his room and told to come back down for dinner.
Looking around his house he felt a small pang in his chest. He half expected everything to be the same, before he had left. His shoes thrown in different directions, his books scattered around, his sports equipment leaning carelessly against the wall. All signs that he had been there, but everything was in perfect order nothing scattered or out of place.
With a smile he realized that just because he was not there did not mean his parents world was going to stop and he was glad. However entering his room his smile broaden noticing his room was in the same disarray he had left it in, or as in much disarray as he ever allowed himself. His bed was made, though some magazines were lying about and some articles of clothing were thrown carelessly into the closet.
Taking a deep breath Riku let his bag fall to the floor and made his way to the bathroom across the hall. He didn't feel like dwelling too much on his home life, it wasn't as if he were home sick, he hadn't been away enough to be home sick.
In the bathroom he turned the cold water on and splashed his face a few times before turning the tap off and drying his face. Lifting his face he stared at himself in the mirror for a few minutes trying to collect his thoughts, and a bit of courage to tell his parents about his plan. He only wished they wouldn't over react too much.
The trip to the dining room was short, and he noticed though the table was set neither of his presents were there. Quickly he deduced his parents where-abouts by the noises coming form the kitchen.
"Riku dinner's almost ready just putting on the finish touches."
His mother was rinsing some dishes while his father stirred something on the stove, smelled like pesto sauce.
"Great. I'm starving."
Riku said grabbing an apple form the fruit basket and proceeded to sit on the counter top with a small hop. His mother shook her head but did not reprimand him.
"To tell you the truth we weren't expecting you for a while, you know until you settled into you classes. Is there something the matter Riku?"
Riku shook his head, he wanted to smile and give his parents reassurance but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead he finished his apple and threw the core away aiming at the garbage can on the corner.
"No, there's nothing the matter. Not wrong anyway."
He said slowly not meeting his parents eyes. He heard his father speak.
"Riku whatever it is you can tell us."
Looking at his father Riku's lips managed to form a small sad smile. With sadness he realized what his father had proclaimed was true. He could in fact tell them anything that was bother him and they would try to help him, but they could never understand just like Tidus and Squall.
"I know dad." Riku took a deep breath and plunged into his next sentence. "I want to meet with the guy responsible for my accident."
A clatter from his mother had dropping the dish she had been holding in the sink and the exploding bubbles from the boiling sauce was all that was heard for all of three seconds. Riku looked from both his parents and after the three seconds of shock passed his Dad resumed his stirring and his mother slowly washed and dried her hands.
The scene was almost comical, except no one was laughing. Riku could not begin to imagine what was going through his parents minds but he had a very good guess. Panic and possibly denial.
To their credit they maintained their feelings well hidden. Riku however knew better, he knew his presents very well, just as much as they knew him. He was not backing down.
"Riku," Finally his mother spoke, though slowly and carefully searching for the exact words. "I don't believe that is a good idea."
When she finished her voice trailed off in an almost inaudible tremble. Suddenly Riku felt sorry for his parents or perhaps it was irritation.
"Mom I don't mean any disrespect when I say I'm not requesting a meeting I'm demanding it. I need to know." Riku looked away from his parents seeming lost and his mother felt her heart wrench seeing her son in any pain.
When Riku had first awakened from his coma Dr. Yeo had said it was normal for Riku to not want to inquire about the culprit, but in time it would also be normal for Riku to wonder and even ask to meet personally with this person. This person who held a few moments which had been erased from his mind. They had just hoped that time was a long time away.
Dr. Yeo had also told them not to discourage Riku from seeking out answers, Riku whether he knew it or not needed closure and no amount of therapy could give him that. This had all been explain in the beginning of Riku's first real breakthrough , in the days that followed however, Dr. Yeo had told them circumstances had changed. Circumstances that would make Riku's future questions a bit difficult to answer.
At the time Riku's parents had not liked what Dr. Yeo had discovered, but he had also assured them when the time came he would be ready for Riku's questions. And now the only hope that hey clung to was that he was right. And even if they feared the outcome of the meeting both Asato and Dana Meneke knew they could not stop their son.
"Riku I" His mother paused and smiled at him "If you're sure about your decision than you should give Dr Yeo a call. I'm sure he can arrange a meeting."
"Riku, what exactly are you…"
Riku's father began and stopped himself from finishing that sentence shaking his head, dismissing the thought. "Never mind son. You do what you must."
Riku chuckled. "That's exactly what Squall and Tidus said."
"Yes, I would imagine they would." She smiled. "They're good boys, good friends."
There was something his parents were not telling him, but Riku didn't want to question them he had too much on his mind. He wasn't being callous he just couldn't understand why his parents seemed so reluctant about him meeting with this person, who's name he had never really been interested in knowing, but who would help him put some of his demons at ease.
0o0o0
Instead of arranging a meeting Dr. Yeo had asked Riku to come into his office to discuss a few things. Riku had not liked the sound of that, but felt he had little choice in the matter.
Nearing Dr. Yeo's office Riku thought back to the short conversation they had shared, Yeo had sounded almost reluctant and while he could understand his parents being reluctant he didn't understand why Dr. Yeo would feel that way too. Couldn't Dr. Yeo, out of everyone, see why he needed this?
The only way to find answers was to face his doctor of course, so with a soft knock he entered the office. Leena wasn't at her desk, he hadn't expected her to be there either after all it was Saturday evening. Saturday evening and there he was standing in Dr. Yeo's office. Who worked Saturday evenings anyway? Then again Riku was and had always been a 'special case.' People made exceptions for unusual cases.
"Riku, have a seat. Make yourself at home."
Dr. Yeo gestured with a wave of his hand to the seats. He wore a smile and Riku nodded politely and followed the suggestion as much as he could. Taking a seat, but definitely not making himself at home. And before he could say anything Dr. Yeo Spoke.
"I must admit I thought this day would have come sooner but now is just fine."
"Then why am I here instead of having a meeting with this person?"
Walking to stand in front of his desk Dr. Yeo leaned back on the flat surface hands clasped in front of him, his eyes watching Riku with some interest. As if gauging his emotions before answering his question. Finally he nodded.
"All in good time Riku. But first tell me, why now? Why not two years ago or when you first woke up from your comma or a year ago or even last week?"
Ah so that was it. Dr Yeo was just being Dr. Yeo he just wanted to make sure Riku was mentally stable to see this guy. In all honesty Riku hoped he appeared stable enough and that his inner turmoil didn't betray him. He was glad Dr. Yeo could not see how desperately he needed answers to his questions, how his nightmares had intensified and felt so real. He needed answers urgently, but what he needed more was the comfort he hoped to find when his questions were answered perhaps then the nightmares would stop.
Sadly he couldn't tell Dr. Yeo all of that nor could he tell him he had seen Sora. That was completely out of the question, if Dr. Yeo only knew he had seen Sora, well he would be in a stray jacket faster than he could say Paopu.
It was fortunate for Riku he had perfected his façade to an art and Dr. Yeo would only be seeing what Riku wanted him to see. Adapting his tortured façade which told of his suffering he began to speak.
"I've been having nightmares again" Riku paused waiting for his words to sink in and looked down at the floor watching Dr. Yeo's reaction from the corner of his eyes " At first I thought they were just that, a nightmare a bad dream, I would wake up shaking and afraid, having no idea why. Then I started remembering the dreams I realized they weren't dreams at all but my accident at least that's what I think and what I hope to find out."
There Riku thought enough of the truth to keep Dr. Yeo happy. In turn Dr Yeo stayed silent inspecting Riku trying to read him they way he could read a book and lucky for Riku he had known the man enough to let him see what he wanted.
"Tell me about the nightmares?" Dr. Yeo asked still watching Riku with a critical eye.
Riku shifted uncomfortably in his seat, he hated talking about his nightmares they were so unpleasant even if there wasn't much detail, when he woke up they left him feeling incredibly disoriented and terrified.
"There is not much detail that I can remember. From what I can remember; there is someone shouting, yelling at me, in warning, and then the car hitting me that is all."
"Hmm."
Fighting to roll his eyes in frustration Riku ran a hand though his silver locks. 'hmm' was not what he was hoping to hear, Dr. Yeo had never seen the need to act so professionally with him before. All his session his methods had never been by the book and now this meeting seemed so routine that it was grating on Riku's nerves.
"Look," Riku began "why are you prolonging this meeting? Does this person not want to seem me? Is he afraid I'm going to hurt him? Because I'm not. I'm not looking for extracting any type of revenge it was an accident I understand that all I want is answers."
It was true, Riku, when he had found out the reason for his coma, had been some guy hitting him, he had had no urge to seek out the person responsible for his misfortune he had simply acknowledge and accepted the event as an accident and had moved on. His parents hadn't even pressed charges and Riku was not about to do something vindictive just because. Then his thoughts took on a different path. However if a threat was the only way this person would meet with him--
His thoughts were cut off when Dr. Yeo moved from his desk to one of the book shelves covering almost the entire left wall of the room.
"I'm afraid Riku a meeting will not be possible, but I do have the next best thing."
Riku didn't hear the rest of the sentence all his thoughts were still on Dr. Yeo's refusal to let him have his answers. Riku stood up form his seat looking angrily at his doctor.
"What are you talking about?"
"You see Riku after the accident, he went into shock. When he came out of it his mind was fragile and volatile, he believed you to be dead. He believed he had killed you and no one could convince him otherwise."
Riku sank back bonelessly on to his chair. He swallowed hard trying to get the dryness out of his mouth. He had never thought about how his accident had affected the other person involved.
"Did no one tell him I was alright?"
" Riku, when he got out of his car you were on the ground with a broken arm and leg, bleeding heavily from your head wound, you even stopped breathing a few minutes before the paramedics reached you. For all intense and purposes you were dead and I'm afraid the shock was just too much."
"What are you saying. He went crazy?"
It wasn't medically correct but, Dr. Yeo nodded deciding that an explanation of the correct medical term was not what Riku needed nor wanted to hear. Instead he walked back towards Riku with a box in his hand, he had retrieved from a drawer near his bookshelves, he set it in front of Riku.
"So if I see him he won't know he, he" he stopped.
"No Riku his mind is too fragile if he were to see you now his reaction would not be good at all."
Riku nodded staring at nothing. Riku shifted his eyes to the box which Dr. Yeo was opening retrieving its contents.
"What is that?"
"It's a recording. The police took him in for questioning I asked for a copy for when this day came. Would you like to hear it."
Riku's answer was a small nod.
"Very well, but this Riku holds no promises nor answers."
Again he nodded. Dr. Yeo press the play button and silence reigned the room.
At first there was nothing no noise but a few seconds of white noise than a voice came on.
"Tell us exactly what happened."
It was an emotionless voice which sounded hallow and whose tone gave off a faint echo in the emptiness of the room it which it was speaking in. Riku could also hear light scribbling. Someone taking notes, then a voice came on.
"I-- I didn't see. I mean" A pause, a sharp in hale of breath and a slow painful exhale.
"He was, he was kneeling and I swerved" another pause and ragged breathing
"He was kneeling in the middle of the street?"
It was the interrogator with the unsympathetic voice.
"No. No." A desperate reply "Not on the street. Sidewalk."
Unfocused words as if trying to make sense out of a puzzle.
"He he was kneeling and I saw him." More desperate stuttering and silence. A muffled sob.
"I swerved, but, but he was bleeding everywhere. I saw him and his blood was everywhere."
More ragged breathing and chocked sobs.
"I killed him. I… I killed."
Rustling of papers.
"We don't know that yet he is in critical condition."
The interrogator proclaimed sounding concerned.
"No you don't understand he, he was just a boy and I .. I killed him."
Ragged breathing sobs bordering on hysteria.
"Calm down you didn't"
"No, no you" A chair scrapping against a rough floor. "you didn't see him he was just a.. just a boy, bleeding, dying."
A chair falling down some struggling there was just background noise to the yelling and sobbing of a man going slowly insane pleading for forgiveness for the life he believed he had ended.
"I killed him, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, so sorry."
Dr. Yeo stopped the tape. He stood and walked to his desk taking an empty glass pouring Riku a drink of water, from the ever present pitcher of water sitting on his desk. Riku took the water gulping it down. He didn't look at Dr. Yeo only concentrated on breathing. Inhale. Exhale slowly.
"He didn't make much sense after that, only repeating the same thing."
Exhaling slowly Riku closed his eyes. There went his last hope lost to a man who had gone insane with the guilt of having 'killed him'. Riku felt as if he had been running in a maze only to find dead end after dead end.
Frustration was overwhelming Riku with it also came a sense of guilt. He felt awful with the situation the guy who had hit him had or was in. But what could he do now? If there was anything he could do to help the man he would. According to Dr. Yeo however there wasn't anything he could do. Even seeing him would cause him more harm than good. What now? How would he get his answers now?
Dr. Yeo to his credit let Riku have his moment of thought. He didn't know what Riku was thinking and just let the young man absorb the information he had just received.
Uncovering his face from his hands Riku looked at Dr Yeo. Dr. Yeo looked at the defeated look on Riku's face and felt his heart go out to him.
"Riku what Kind of answers were you hoping to get from talking to this person?"
Riku blinked and suddenly something occurred to him.
"What is him name?"
Dr. Yeo gave him a small smile, happy Riku had finally decided to give identity to someone he had never given much thought to before but had changed his life so abruptly.
"His name is John Trep."
Riku nodded in acknowledgement.
"John Trep huh?" He repeated, "I don't know what kind of answers I was hoping to get from him. All I know is that he was the only one who had the missing part of my life."
Dr. Yeo nodded, Riku had never before pushed to remember his lost memories but now it seemed his nightmares had shaken his curiosity enough for him to ask questions.
"Why did the police let you have a copy of the interrogation?"
"After John had been declared mentally unstable the authorities were quite baffled as to how to proceed with your case, without specific details to go with.."
"Wait you mean there were no eye witnesses?"
"No." Dr. Yeo said shaking his head.
This was just going from bad to worse. There went his last hope, no eye witnesses. Riku felt as if it was him against an invisible enemy, he had no means to defeat.
"That was the reason I was given that interrogation tape. They hoped that having you listen to it would jostle your memory to help you remember what had happened."
It had not helped at all. Riku realized listening to the tape brought him no answers but created even more questions. Perhaps this had been a mistake after all.
"Well, I'm sorry to say it didn't help."
Riku said out loud sarcasm and frustration lacing his words. Riku sighed and looked past Dr. Yeo's shoulder at the darkening night.
"I understand. But now you have to understand something Riku." He paused waiting to have Riku's full attention.
"I will not sit here and pretend I know what you feel, I can only understand what you feel and regardless of that I must warn you not to push this. If your dreams are subconscious memories don't force them. Don't force yourself to remember. The mind is a wonderful intricate thing, in it's own way its protecting you from remembering a traumatic scene. When and if your mind feels at ease the memories will reveal themselves."
Easy for him to say, Riku thought, but Dr. Yeo didn't feel what Riku did ,he didn't feel the urgency Riku felt, he didn't feel the need, Riku did, to know what had happened.
It wasn't only that he wanted to remember he needed to know. Knowing was the only way, Riku felt, he had of easing the nagging feeling of urgency of incompleteness. Of course Dr. Yeo could only understand his feelings from a medical point of view but he himself had admitted he could not begin to know what that feeling was like.
Unfortunately, if and when was the best promise Dr. Yeo had. Riku knew he wanted to remember the accident but for now he would heed Dr. Yeo's words and not force his memories.
"Are you saying that I should just let these memories come as they may?"
Dr. Yeo nodded, "Yes." He replied reaching to replace the small tape player back in its storage box.
"Wait."
Riku said. Dr. Yeo's hand stopped halfway to his goal and he stared at Riku with a questioning look.
"Could I listen to it again."
"Riku I really don't think"
"I know what you would say, but I just need to listen one more time. Please."
In all honesty Dr. Yeo knew no good would come from listening to the tape again but Riku still needed closure and he could not provide the kind of closure Riku needed. But like he had promised he had the next best thing and it would have to do. Against his better judgment he played the tape again. Riku sat back on his seat trying to relax as he listen to the tape.
A few minutes later it was over and Riku was frowning almost as if trying to bore holes through the tape player.
"Riku?" Dr. Yeo inquired seeing no response from his patient.
With a frown still on his face Riku looked up at Dr. Yeo.
"What did he mean kneeling? Why would I be kneeling in the middle of the street?"
Shaking his head Dr. Yeo sighed he knew this had been a bad idea Riku would take away more questions than answers from their meeting tonight.
"The police could only assume you were in the sidewalk and he somehow hit you propelling your body into the street."
Riku was quiet.
"But of course those are just speculations with no eye witnesses, besides John and yourself, speculating was all anyone could do."
"Do my parents know of this tape?"
The question was not without foundation, he had felt his parents had been hiding something from him, and if they knew about the tape that would give reason for their worry. Which in turn made him wonder if Squall and Tidus also knew.
"Yes they do. I told them what I had planned to use the tape for. They seemed to agree as long as you were ready. Though never did they deemed inclined to listen to the tape."
Riku nodded glad his parents had not listen to what he just had, and at the same time feeling betrayed. Tidus and Squall had been equally concerned for him regarding his want to meet John and now he wondered if his parents had in fact told his friends of the tape.
Then again anyone who read the news could have found out about his accident and possibly what had happened to Mr. John Trep. Even he could have found out about his accident without having to consult Dr. Yeo or his parents all he had to do was look at old news papers, but he had never had the curiosity to do so. In that aspect he could not fault his parents or his friends for not telling him something they did not know he wanted to know.
As the moment of silence stretched between Riku and Dr. Yeo, Riku realized he had no more business here. Slowly he began to rise from his seat, but Dr. Yeo's voice stopped him.
"Riku are you alright?"
No. Riku thought but nodded.
Also rising from his seat, Dr. Yeo took the tape and tape player placing it back in the box and walked towards the bookshelves, putting the items back where they had been retrieved from. Having done that he turned back towards Riku, arms crossed over his chest giving Riku a thoughtful stare.
"I've know you almost five years Riku. Yet I'm not so arrogant as to believe, I know you. After all we only ever know and see what a person chooses to let others know and see."
For a second Riku almost smiled, he should have known better than to try to fool Yeo. But he couldn't help and wonder just how much exactly did the doctor think he knew about him.
"Having said that, I've seen enough of you to know you will leave here with more questions than answers and for that I am sorry. I am also sorry I could not give you the type of closure you needed."
"No but I appreciate the effort greatly non the less."
At least that statement Dr. Yeo believed to be true. Rising from his seat Riku took his leave.
"Riku." Riku stopped at the threshold of the office, it seemed Dr. Yeo was not quite done yet.
"Remember what I said don't force the memories when you're ready you'll remember."
With a stoic face Riku only nodded hoping his real emotions would not show on his face betraying him.
0o0o0
That night sleep would not come to Riku his thoughts were keeping him awake demanding attention. Tonight had been a complete waste Yeo had been right he now had more questions than answers.
The logical thing for him to do was forget or put aside his feelings, but he could not. He had not remembered his accident in four years, in four years it had never bothered him. The problem was that his lack of remembrance was now becoming bothersome, for some unexplained reason he felt an urgency to remember those few lost moments of his life.
Riku's parents and Dr. Yeo thought he wanted to know what had happened because he needed closure. It was more than that. Riku felt those moments before his accident were the missing part of a puzzle. For some reason he felt the missing moment would lift the veil of questions and bring clarity to his thoughts.
However he was doing no good to himself thinking about the possibility of remembering. All his hopes hand been shattered tonight. Not only was John unable to help him in any way there had also been no eyes witnesses.
Fate Riku thought was against him. Perhaps he was just over reacting, his doctor had never really given much attention to Riku's amnesia, since it had not lasted and aside from the accident he remembered everything regarding to his life. The doctors had however determined that in time Riku's memory of that day may return.
A maybe was all the consolation Riku had and that was not much. It wasn't even a promise that he would remember it was only a possibility. For now all he could do was heed Yeo's advice and not force the memories, not that he knew how to, and merely hope the memories would just come to him.
0o0o0
0o0o0
A/N: For those of you who still care I should have the next chapter for Songs and Dreams next week, before midterm-study-cramming starts/ chews nails nervously/
Cardel: See short and uneventful. I apologize, it wasn't my intention to make such a long chapter but it was necessary.
Jin and Demak/quiet/
Cardel/sigh/ They're angry, because their creative voices have gone unheard for almost a year.
Jin and Demak/nod/
Cardel/shurg/ You readers have no idea how many drabbles and vignettes have been started. I'm thinking of starting posting some of them on live journal. If I do I'll let you guys know.
Demak: I can't take it any more please someone adopt me and save me from unfinished fanfic hell.
Cardel: Quiet you. We'll finish the stories.
Jin/mumbles/ eventually.
Cardel: Anyhow. Thank you so much for being patient with me and I hope not too many people have lost interest in this or any of my other fics. Drop me a line Ja- ne.