So, I posted a chapter and then went and watched the Super Bowl.

I came back, 4 hours later, and I had already gotten 5 reviews.

Not to mention, within another hour, I had gotten another.

I am so f-ing amazed you wouldn't even believe it.

I'll give a cookie (virtual, of course) to anyone who can find the 1984 reference in this chapter. :D

ATTENTION: Yeah, about the romance. It's going to happen, don't worry! It just won't happen until the last chapter. I'll be making more hints at it, don't worry! I just don't like really sappy mushy guys-getting-together-after-knowing-each-other-for-a-week type romances. So I'm trying not to have that happen with Damien and Pip. I'm sorry, just be patient please...

Disclaimer: U-Uhm...I, uh...I own...S-South P-P-Park, just like, uhm, I own, uhm, Post-It Notes, and, er...Office Depot, and, uhmmm...the Indianapolis Colts, who, like, uhm, won the Super Bowl...

Chapter 12 - Ur Mama Lives In A SpaceStation

"Damien, I must say, I'm quite baffled," said Pip, trembling, as he pressed himself up against the window, staring at his home planet. From space. Space. Pip would never have even imagined that he could ever see Earth from such an angle as this. He'd always thought he'd need money for something like this.

"Er...I figured you would be. Let's head to my room, I'll attempt to explain everything there," Damien said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Pip had never seen Damien look embarrassed about anything before, so this was quite an occurence for Pip to hold forever in his memory.

Pip thought that the spaceship they were on (since, to be in space, they most certainly had to be on a spaceship, right?) was quite like Star Trek. Pip had seen just one episode, at Token's 12th birthday party, but he was absolutely certain that this was somewhat like it. Only, hopefully, somewhat smaller. The floors, and walls, and ceilings, and anything else, was made of shiny metal of some type. Pip didn't know anything about types of metals, so he just told himself it was titanium to tide him over. All along the walls, and random intervals, were little lights and switches and mechanical buttons that Pip was sure did something, but could not imagine what. The lights were all built into the wall, along the hallway, just before the ceiling.

Pip wondered why he had thought that Sarah had slammed her door earlier, since, after entering Damien's room, it was quite obvious that the doors 'swooshed!'. Pip watched in awe as Damien pressed a code into a small keypad by the door, and the door swooshed open in a very Star Trek way. Damien grabbed Pip's arm and dragged him inside.

The room was definitely something that Pip never imagined he would see. It wasn't overly large, or overly decorated, or overly shiny, or overly cozy, or overly anything really. It was just about the same as the hallway, except more like a square than a rectangle. Pip noticed another swooshy door over on the side of room, though he didn't have a clue what it would be for. The bed was quite large, bigger than a King Size. Like, it was an Emperor Sized bed. The window was also very large indeed; it took up almost the entire wall opposite of the door. Pip instantly ran to this window and pressed himself up against it, and saw, over on the right, the Earth again. Pip was so utterly in shock from this that he lost his footing (though he wasn't even moving), and fell flat on his very British arse.

"Yeah, I see you noticed the fact that we are not quite on Earth anymore," Damien said, trying to sound casual, but failing quite shamefully.

"Uhm, well, I just noticed a little bit," Pip replied, somewhat in a daze still. Damien beckoned for Pip to come sit on the bed, saying something about how the floor was so uncomfortable, you don't really want to sit there?

Pip plopped himself down on the doubleplusEmperorSized bed, instantly melting into the feathers. Since living in his foster home, (more than five years earlier), he had only laid in a bed once (when he was at Damien's and had fainted), and even then he hadn't gotten to actually sleep a night. Of course, he didn't get to sleep a night on this Heavenly contraption either, but it still was a feeling he never felt. His foster home beds had been lumpy and painful.

"Aren't you going to say something?"

Oh yeah. We're in space. "So...space, eh?" Pip said, obviously attempting to, as Damien had done, start off a very serious conversation in the most nonchalant way possible.

"Yeah...space..."

"That's, erm...cool?"

Damien sighed in a very irritated way. "Okay, so yeah, you're wondering, 'what the fuck are we doing in space??'"

"Just a tiny bit."

"So, this is kind of weird, and I can't exactly explain it to you without telling you the thing that you obviously realized that we were keeping a secret from you."

Pip nodded. "Well...I mean, erm, I can try and get someone else to explain it to me, erm, I dunno."

"No, I can do it, I just need to think of a good way to say it..." Damien put his hand on his chin and looked relatively thoughtful. Or, he was thinking a lot. He wasn't really being all too kind and caring, at least, not anymore than normal. He was just thinking a lot.

"Okay," Damien finally said. "So, you know how I said that we were going to a family reunion?"

Pip nodded.

"Well, I wasn't altogether lying. It is, in essence, me reuniting with a member of my family..."

"Who?" Pip asked. And then, he realized that he had just interrupted his best friend, and hastily began to apologize.

"Oh, don't worry, I was getting there anyways," Damien replied with a grin. Then, as he got ready to speak again, the grin quite vanished. "It's...well, in truth, my mother."

It hit Pip, like a moderately large piano being dropped on his head, that he had never once thought about the absence of Damien's mother. He had never given her one thought; he had never even entertained the idea that Damien didn't even have a mom. His mother had just simply never crossed his mind.

Damien was silent, so Pip decided to try and continue the conversation. "Why is your mother in space?"

Pip had asked this question in such an innocent, and utterly cute, way, that Damien laughed in an insane fashion. Pip was perturbed, wondering what he had done to make Damien laugh at him so. "What? I'm confused!"

"Oh, it's just the way you said it, is all," said Damien after a full half-minute, for he had had to get himself under control. "Anyways, why is my mother in space? you might be asking. Or, you are asking, because you just asked that. Well...she is, for utter lack of a better way to describe, evil."

Pip cocked his eyebrow. "Erm...may I inquire as to why we are going to see her then?"

Damien could not seem to conjure up a good answer for that particular question. Many times it appeared that he was going to say something, be he did not. His hands moved in large gestures, twirling gestures, gestures that he was trying to think of a word, but he never said anything.

Pip just sat staring innocently at his friend.

And of course, Pip spaced off a bit as he looked at Damien's hand movements. For, Damien's obnoxious gestures brought attention to his hands, and Pip's attention being brought to Damien's hand made him remember Damien's soft pillowy fingers that had so graced his face not so very long ago. And, in turn, remembering what had already happened led to imagine what could possibly happen.

"Pip, come here..."

"What is it Damien?"

"I just want...to touch you..."

"Why...Damien...what are you..."

"Just relax...this'll feel good...

Pip did not believe he could have gotten any redder than he did at that moment. And Damien noticed this change in demeanor, for it was quite obvious. Pip felt shame sink down upon him...he had just imagined him and Damien in a...situation. That was like mind-molesting a young child, or at least, it was just as shameful.

"Pip? Are you alright?" Damien asked, obviously glad of a topic change.

"Erm...yes, I was just, uhm, thinking...could you please explain to me why we're visiting your mother?" Pip asked, not quite as glad for the topic change as Damien was, and attempted to get right back on the original topic.

"Well...alright. This is going to sound a bit odd. Do you know the story of Adam and Eve?" Damien asked.

"Well, yes. They were the first people put here by God. But...Eve was tempted by the snake, and she ate the fruit that God forbade her to eat. And then, she had Adam eat it too. And then they got kicked out of the Garden of Eden."

"Yeah. That's the story, alright...so, if you were Adam, and you had just gotten kicked out of the Garden of Eden, how would you feel?"

Pip pondered this question for a good half minute. Finally, he responded. "Well, I'd feel absolutely and completely ashamed of myself," Pip said. "I disobeyed God, and in turn I got what was coming for me, is basically what I'd think."

"Well...not to sound like a bitch, but I'd be pissed. Pissed as Cartman gets when Cheesy Poofs are out of stock. I mean, it wasn't my fault, it was Eve's, wasn't it?"

"No. She didn't forcefeed it down your -- Adam's -- throat."

"Still..." Damien looked flustered, like Pip had ruined one of his main points. "My point is that, in reality, Adam was very mad. I don't know what became of Eve, but Adam was pissed as Cartman when Cheesy Poofs are out of stock, believe me. Maybe even pissed as Cartman when Cheesy Poofs are out of stock and Kyle has just pointed out another of his immoralities."

Pip's face took on an expression of much confusion. "But...Adam certainly died, did he not?"

"Well of course he died, you dipshit! He was only human! But, after he died, he...he kind of...escaped from Hell, and...he was very angry with God. VERY angry. And so, he has come up with an elaborate plan to destroy God's existence."

Pip let this information sink in a minute. A threat on God's very existence? Was that even possible? God is God; He was God, nothing could hurt Him in anyway. God can't be threatened, God couldn't be hurt, and God most certainly could not be killed. "Damien, I am afraid I must admit, yet again, that I am confused. For, God can't be destroyed! God is God; He can't be hurt, He can't be killed, nothing can stop Him."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong. Because, when I say that Adam wants to destroy God's existence, I don't mean that Adam wants to kill Him. He just wants to get rid of God, for good. And, to do so, he's come up with a plan to...well, basically, find God, and trap Him. Trap Him in a hell, not Hell, but a place much worse."

"Trap Him???" Pip thought this was the most ludicrous thing he had ever heard, but he didn't tell Damien that.

"Yeah..." Damien seemed to sense that Pip did not believe him. "Hey, stop doubting me! I know exactly what's going on!"

"Where does your mother play in?"

"I was getting there! I hadn't even explained how Adam's Hell worked yet..."

Pip had the feeling that he didn't really want to know. "Er...well, you can explain that then, I guess..."

"Okay, Adam's Hell (which we name it, because it's not like he has told us it's real name) is like a jail cell. It's large; Adam could put the whole Earth in it if he wanted to, but he'd rather see the Earthlings (and every creature) suffer terribly when he entraps God. So, basically, all he has to is find God, and he can do a kind of spell and put God into this hell. As soon as God is in Adam's Hell...there is no escaping. No one can escape that place. In Adam's Hell, there are tortures that you couldn't even imagine! In fact, even as Satan's son, I can't imagine them. You get trapped in this place, and you can't escape, and you're tortured pretty much for forever. Sounds a bit funky, huh?"

"Sure..."

"Yeah, it is. Adam has been coming up with this hell plan for a long time, we believe." The 'we' that Damien referred to was obviously Satan, Jesus, Mary, Sarah, John, and Peter. And perhaps more; Pip hadn't a clue. "So, around the Dark Ages, Adam tried to trap God for the first time. The Dark Ages sucked ass because God had to keep quiet, or Adam would find Him. That's basically why our world is such a hellhole (no pun intended). Ever since around the Dark Ages, or maybe even before that, I'm not too sure of the details, God has not been able to do His miracles. You know how in the Bible God comes down to Earth and talks to all the prophets and crap?"

Pip nodded, for he had read the Bible once, while he was on the streets. He had found a practically ruined one on the side of the street, and had taken it upon himself to read the whole thing.

"Okay, so as soon as God realized that whenever He did a 'miracle', per se, Adam could find Him (for he has a radar of some sort, we think), God has stopped doing any real miracles. People think God has done great things for them, but He hasn't, because He can't."

"So...any prayer I've ever said to God is irrelevent?" Pip asked, a cold ice once again settling in his stomach.

"Not exactly..." Damien sighed. "God can hear all of your prayers, but they're more of an annoyance to Him, since He can't do anything about it."

Pip felt guilt seep through his veins. All this time, whenever he'd been asking God for help, he'd only been annoying Him. He'd merely been being a pest and possibly distracting God from more imporant issues. Like being assassinated.

"Anyways, what I'm saying is that, Adam can't find God if God doesn't do any miracles. Sounds all fine and dandy, it's worked for however many years, you know?"

Pip nodded.

"Well...God did a miracle. Around three months ago. It wasn't a big, world-changing miracle. In fact, none of us even know what the miracle was, since we never heard of anything great or spectacular happening around the globe. We did research, read every newspaper from New York to China, looked at all the stupid things on the internet...we found nothing. But...God did something. And now, Adam knows where He is. And Adam is going to attack Him, and soon. Adam is just waiting for the right moment, because he doesn't know we know that he knows where God is. So, we need to go and trap Adam in a section of Hell that my dad has created, which is almost exactly like Adam's Hell."

Pip felt himself overload with information, and fell back on his back on the bed. "Damien...this is the absolute weirdest experience I've ever had..."

"I know."

Pip sighed, and trembled. He was in space, and chasing after the first ever man on Earth, because this man wanted to kill God. "This is...crazy..."

"Oh yeah, and my mom's his accomplice."

"WHAT?"

Damien laughed bitterly. "Yep. Her name is Lily. There is a huge long complicated story behind all this, but basically, Lily (since I can't even call her my mother) got horribly mad at God. So, she joined forces with Adam."

"But your dad is gay." Pip covered his mouth in mortification. That had been a stupid thing to say!

"Erm..." Damien sighed. "Yeah, that's kind of her fault. He was completely straight until she came along...she did something horrible to him, which he won't even tell me, and left me with him after I was born to go to Adam. Basically...she abandoned me." He sounded so resentful that Pip begged him not to talk of her anymore. "She's important to my story though! Oh, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, if she wasn't the accomplice of the person trying to trap God in eternal torture, then I might feel sad. But...she is truly one of the absolute most sinful beings in the Universe, second only to Adam and Cartman. I'm glad she abandoned me. If she had taken me with her...I'd be your enemy right now. Well, not yours, since I'd have never met you...anyways, what I mean, is that I'm fucking glad she abandoned me. I'm not sad talking about her, just pissed as Hell."

Pip nodded, feeling even more overwhelmed than before. This Lily person was Damien's enemy...and she was his mother! "Wow...I am...completely...overwhelmed..."

"You should be."

Pip went to the head of the bed and laid his head down on a pillow. "Damien, why are we in space then?"

"Adam and Lily -- and I'm sure all of their henchmen -- are living on a planet somewhere in the next arm, Sagittarius, I think."

"Arm?" Pip was confused.

"Yeah, you know, how we live in the Orion Arm part of the Milky Way?" Damien obviously thought Pip very ignorant.

"Oh...oh yeah..." Pip knew what he was talking about now. Duh.

"Anyways, yeah, they have their home in a spacestation somewhere on a planet in that arm. And...we're traveling there to imprision him the evil hell my Dad came up with. So...that's why we're in space, and why my mother is a part of this at all. Happy now?"

Pip replied, "Well, not happy. This is all very frightening, you see! I am glad of you telling me all this, but certainly not glad of the situation we are in." Pip sucked in a long breath. "Damien, I am so terribly sorry that I followed you...if I had known that I'd be in the way of something so important, I'd certainly have stayed at your house!" Pip felt quite annoyed and angry with himself. It seemed that he messed up everything he came in contact with, whether it be Damien or God himself.

"Oh, it's not that big of a deal," Damien said. "I'm glad for the company. It's not like you'll really be in the way...you can just stay on the ship while we do our thing. Of course, I'm not quite sure what our thing is yet, but Jesus knows what we're doing. He's kind of the leader of this whole operation."

Pip still didn't feel any happier with himself. "I'm still so sorry..."

"Stop saying your sorry so much, I'm really not mad! Of course, Sarah is, but Sarah is a bitch, so that's to be expected. I'm sure no one else will really care, as long I find a place for you to sleep..." Damien appeared to ponder this question very seriously.

"Oh, I'll just sleep on the floor in here," Pip opted. "Or, if you wish, I could sleep in a closet or bathroom or something, just to be out of your way..." Pip didn't want to sleep on the cold metallic floor at all, but knew that there was no room for him anywhere else.

"Dude, the floor is just a little bit to cold and hard for someone to sleep on. My bed is big enough, might as well share it?"

Pip gulped and nodded, already anticipating the shameful thoughts he'd certainly have about Damien while Damien slept.

No one was really all that surprised to find that Pip had stowed away with them on the ship. In fact, as Damien had predicted, no one minded except for Sarah, who always minded Pip. Pip had been afraid that they would be mad, but they weren't, not at all.

Pip mulled over this as he laid in the darkness of Damien's -- his and Damien's -- room. He didn't understand how they could all have been so understanding of him tagging along. He had intruded on something completely private that they'd never wanted him to know about. Pip wondered why this family never got mad at him for anything. He was constantly doing something wrong, but they were never angry. It made Pip curious indeed, for every other person he'd ever encountered thought him worse than a nuisance, and wanted him in pain. Besides Sarah, Damien's family actually seemed to like him.

Pip did not feel deserving of this love, however, as his thoughts wandered to Damien. He was having unnatural thoughts, thoughts he certainly didn't want, and Damien would most likely punish him severely for. Pip tried to push these thoughts from his head, but it didn't work very well. And being in a bed with the star of his mind's fucked up fantasies did not help much.

Pip grabbed one of the blankets, the smallest one, and one pillow, and climbed down onto the floor. That is where he spent the night.

Ok.

So yeah, two chapters in one day.

Don't expect a third.

I'm tired.

This chapter was mainly a filler chapter, to finally reveal the whole plot of the story.

If you decide to hate my story because it actually has a plot now and isn't just pointless fluff, than Ima sorry.

Seriously.

Because I know I've done the same thing.

Anyways, good night, yay Colts, whatever.