Attention: Damien is going to "make his move" soon. Don't worry. I have a plan. :D

Ok, so, the coolest thing happened today. Society's Cavity updated her amazing story!!! I've been waiting for that for 6 whole months. It's called Even In Dreams. However, not even your dreams could dream up as good of a story.

I suck at writing action. Hell, I suck at reading action. So you'll have to bear with my lame not-really-all-that-action-full chapter that's supposed to be completely full of action.

Disclaimer: Okay, so I've been hearing people say that YOU have been spreading rumors that I don't own South Park. You should just shut your damn face, because I DO own South Park. I also own Anchor Blue, Payless Shoes, and the Retrodoxy. What's that? You've never heard of the Retrodoxy? Well, fuck you! (Not really.)

Chapter 16 - The Final Countdown (doodoodooooodoo)

Pip had to just not think about going to Adam's lair. In fact, he was going to forget about it altogether. He knew that it would happen, sometime within the hour, but if he forgot about it, he would be less likely to vomit. Again. The problem was that it kept popping back into his mind. He had to concentrate very hard on not thinking about it.

But when you concentrate hard on something, even if you're trying to forget about it, it's obviously still there, since you're concentrating so hard on forgetting.

The door swooshed open, and Damien walked in. Pip could tell he was on edge. Pip didn't want to speak, for he was afraid of what he would say if he did speak. Instead, he continued to look out of the window at the approaching planet. It was red, and resembled Mars in a way. Pip sighed.

"Hey...Pip..." Damien came and sat next to him at the small desk by the window. "Look, dude, I know we're almost there...but I have to tell you something, in case we never see each other again..."

"IN CASE? You know, that doesn't make me any less afraid!" Pip shrieked. "You know what, no! Don't tell me. I'd rather find out afterwards."

"Pip, there might not be an afterwards!"

"There will be!"

There was no more conversation between them for the next hour. They were both fascinated with the impending planet, growing larger with each second.

All of a sudden, they were entering the atmosphere. The ship started wobbling and convulsing. Pip screeched and latched onto Damien's arm. "We're gonna die! NOOOOOO!"

"Calm down!" Damien exclaimed, prying Pip off of him. "If we died, we'd just go to Hell, it wouldn't be that big of a deal! We'd just have to start the journey all over again..."

Pip was silent for a moment. Then...

"I WANT TO DIE!"

"Do they know we're here?" Pip whispered. They had already entered the space station, after killing off the few henchmen that had guarded the front entrance.

"Of course they do, Pip. They're just waiting for us," Jesus replied.

"Then...they're gonna send people after Pip," Damien muttered.

"Well, yes, they probably are. That's why you need to keep yourself armed with that gun at all times, alright Pip?" Jesus warned.

"Jesu Maria," Satan mumbled underneath his breath.

The quartet came up to a corner, and Damien stealthily peeked around the corner. "There's a few guys over there," he whispered, really loudly for dramatic effect.

"Okay, I have a difficult and complicated plan for this," Jesus said, getting them all into a huddle. "It involves a pulley, two pregnant women, and cheddar cheese. First, we need to take the cheese and the two pregnant women -"

"Why don't we just shoot them from here?" Pip whispered.

It was worth it just to see the shocked expression on Jesus' face.

This was the part Pip had not been looking forward to. The fork. The fork in the hallways of Adam's base. Because Pip had to continue in one direction, while Damien, Satan, and Jesus all went the opposite direction.

"Remember Pip, do NOT set off the bomb until we give you the signal," Jesus reiterated for the 72nd time. Pip nodded in affirmation.

"I know, don't worry...you just, you'll tell me on the walkie-talkie, and then I'll plant the bomb, and then run as fast as I can back down the hall and out of the door..."

"Yep..." Both parties lingered, just looking at each other. Finally, Damien pulled Pip into an enormous embrace.

"Pip...you'd better not die," he mumbled into Pip's ear. Pip shivered. Damien's breath was so warm, right on his ear, in his ear...

"Er...right. Same for you," Pip stuttered back, pushing Damien away from him.

And as quick as it had began, the hug ended, and the two groups had gone down their respective halls.

Pip spent the rest of his walk wondering about how fast he'd need to run to escape the bomb. "Let's see...an average human walks at about 5 miles per hour...but...we were actually going a little slower than that, because we had to stop a lot of times..." Pip decided that they'd probably been going about 3 and a half miles per hour. "I've been walking for about 12 minutes since we entered, and I'm almost at the place where I set the bomb off, that will take about one more minute..." Pip did some calculations in his head. "That means that the distance is about .76 miles...so, how fast do I need to run to make it out in 4 minutes?" Pip did a few more complicated calculations in his head. ".76 miles, over 4/60... comes out to... 11.4 ...that means I need to run at 11.4 miles per hour!" Pip then figured out how fast each mile would have to be. "That means that I need to run at 5 and half minute per mile pace..." Pip gulped. That was like, varsity track speed.

Pip was so caught up in doing all this math in his head that he forgot to check around the corner. As soon as he came to the corner, he ran into henchmen. Ugly, huge, fat-ass henchmen. Pip shreiked and brought his weapon up in front of him and shot. It brought down the first bad guy, but then, the three others that were there all came up to him at once. Pip panicked, and somehow, in his panic, changed the setting on the weird gun to "Annihilate multiple enemies." When he pulled the trigger, a bright green flash erupted from the barrel, and all three were put down instantly. Pip breathed, his breath coming in short, choppy sequences.

He quickly stepped over the fallen henchmen and opened the door that they were guarding. Inside was what Pip thought must have been the generator. Apparently, according to Jesus, this was the very center of the base. It would be the safest place to have the bomb go off, because it would for sure capture everything inside. Pip set down the bulky bomb and brought his gun up, to be ready in case more henchmen came in to try and stop him. He then waited for a little while, for them to subdue Adam and Lily. I sure hope they're okay...please, God, let them be okay...OH CRAP I forgot, I'm not supposed to pray, sorry, sorry, forgive me...

Suddenly, his walkie-talkie burst into a staticky signal. "DO IT NOW PIP!" It was Damien talking. Pip instantly went to the bomb and started to set the time for 4 minutes. But of course, Pip knew there was no way he could run fast enough to escape this bomb...he guiltily set it for 4 and a half minutes instead. Then, he ran.

The alarms were going off now, loud and shrill. All of a sudden, doors all around Pip were opening, and the ugly, scaly henchmen were coming out of their rooms. He screeched as one grabbed the back of his shirt.

"LET ME GO!" he screamed. "I need to escape!"

Pip somehow managed to pull the trigger on his weapon, and somehow managed to kill all of the henchmen, while somehow managing to start running again, just as fast as he had been before. All while he was running, he was shooting, and dodging, and jumping over dead bodies, and speeding up. He looked at the watch that Jesus had lent him a few months ago, and realized that it had already been a whole minute. "FUCK!" he somehow managed to scream, even though he had barely any breath to spare.

Pip then saw the fork up ahead. Quickly doing some more math in his head, he calculated that he had walked for 4 minutes after the fork and 9 minutes before the fork. Therefore, if he was going at a steady pace, he had 3 minutes and 6 seconds after he got to the fork, if he was going at his pace. He sped up immensely.

But then, he was stopped by the absolute biggest guy he'd ever seen standing in the intersection. And this big guy was wearing a pair of bright pink handcuffs.

"Adam..." Pip breathed.

"Ah, so you're the kid who set the bomb," Adam chuckled evilly. "You think I'm going to let you leave? No. You're going down with me!" Adam's hands were cuffed in front of his body, so it allowed him to bring his hands both up above his head. Pip realized that Adam was about to smash him into the ground.

Oh no... Pip's instincts told him to just cover his head and hope he survived; that was how he survived on Earth. However, another part of him knew he needed to escape. He couldn't let Adam get in his way. Pip dashed between the enormous man's (was he a man?) legs, and sprinted. He heard the clambering footsteps of Adam on his tail. Pip upped his speed and just ran. He was going faster than Adam, but he couldn't possibly keep this speed for too long. He's going to catch me, he's going to catch me, he's going to catch me!

Suddenly, Pip saw the door. The escape route. He remembered that Jesus had said that the hand cuffs would stop Adam from escaping...maybe there was something that would keep him inside the building? Pip hoped so.

He got to the door and fought with the handle, slamming open the door. He got out, and then ran across the barren landscape. He was on the planet now, the actual planet, and the air was difficult to breathe in, since it was thinner than the stuff on Earth. It was like running on the top of Mt. Everest. Pip didn't know how much more time he had left, but he knew he had to run, because the bomb's range was unknown, and could go outside of the base easily. Pip didn't turn around to see if Adam was on his tail, he just kept going.

Finally, it was too much. Pip collapsed a few feet after a weird flower thing and just laid still for a few minutes. He knew he must have been outside of the bomb's range, for he was still here, still alive.

His breath came back finally, so Pip sat himself up and looked back at the space station. Adam was no where to be seen. Pip registered in his mind that the weird flower thing he passed wasn't anywhere to be seen either. It must have been taken to the hell also!

Am I that close to being outside of the range??? Pip couldn't take it. His head was spinning, he was scared out of his mind, he couldn't barely breathe...he passed out.

When Pip came to, he was in The Room. Damien wasn't there, though. It was just him.

Fuck. Did I just dream all of that? Am I going to have to go and actually do all of that all over again? Oh no...no... Pip started to cry. He just wanted to be with Damien, he wanted Damien to come back...he just wanted to be in Damien's house, out of this stupid space ship.

Pip stopped himself after a couple of minutes and got up to go out onto the bridge to find Damien. He was wobbly on his feet for a second.

He walked down the metallic halls and into the main command room. Everyone was there, including Damien, looking incredibly happy. "What's going on?" Pip murmured.

Everyone looked at him immediately, and Damien rushed up to him with a gigantic smile on his face. "Pip! We did it! We defeated Adam! We did it! We did it we did it we did it!"

Pip was suddenly struck by guilt. This was real, and he remembered setting the bomb for the wrong time. "Uhm...do you know that they're all really gone?" Pip asked nervously.

"Yeah, we did a heat scan on the whole place, there's nothing alive left in there," Peter replied, actually sounding somewhat confident in himself, like he normally didn't.

Pip felt himself being pulled down to the chair by Damien's. "Pip! We did it! You did it! You planted the bomb and you got out and I was so scared you were going to get taken to our hell!!"

Pip pushed Damien's hands away, as they were all over, in many random places. It was a slightly uncomfortable experience, seeing as Pip actually liked those hands. Er...wait...I don't like his hands! They're not that soft...

Of course, Pip's thoughts were more consumed by the guilt of setting the timer wrong.

"I didn't do it right!" Pip burst out. "I didn't set the timer for the right amount of time!"

The crew didn't seem to have a clue what he was talking about.

"I'm sorry! I set it for four and a half minutes because I did all this math in my head and realized that I couldn't possibly escape if I set it for four minutes! I'm sorry!"

Jesus just laughed. "Pip, don't worry about it. You're safe, that's all that matters."

"Yeah! Dude, I thought I was never going to see you again!" Damien exclaimed.

Pip smiled a little bit. "Er...well, if you say so..."

"So what do we do now?" John inquired.

"We go home," Mary said, patting her pregnant stomach.

Pip looked over at Damien, and Damien gave him the most amazing grin he'd ever seen. Pip didn't even blush - he just grinned back.

I spent at least 20 whole minutes on the paragraph where Pip figures out how fast he needs to go to get out in time. I couldn't for the life of me remember how to do the distance and speed and velocity crap, so it took a long time because I was trying to figure it out without paper, just with the calculator. Finally, I did the smart thing and just looked up the formulas online. Heh. But yeah, that's more math done at home then I've done since like February, because I stopped doing all of my math homework. That's funny, I did more math outside of school (after school is out) in one day then I did on my math homework for about 4 months.

By the way, this isn't the end. There is one more chapter plus an epilogue left. So...read those both.

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